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General Parenting
Punishments: What works/what doesnt?
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 372301" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Hi,</p><p>Punishments at most might get short term compliance , may teach a kid to think what happens to me if I get caught , and the lesson he learns is not to get caught in the future - not the lesson we think we are teaching - and certainly we are not teaching responsibility, caring and empathy.</p><p></p><p>Kids would prefer to do well if they could so we need to find out what's getting in their way and we can't do that without input . We can't get input and cooperation if there is blame and punishment. If we choose to treat the situation as a problem to be solved and we want the kid to be part of the solution we need to forget about punishment and focus on solutions and restitution. The solution will treat the underlying problem and address the concerns of your child and your concerns opening the way for your son on his own to try and engage in the moral act of restitution. When we step back we allow the positive side of the kid to come forward , but when we do to kids , we just push them from us , the punishment just reinforces the perception that adults are unfair. There is plenty research showing the bigger the punishment , the less the internalization of the message.</p><p></p><p>We can use a litmus test for our interventions - does it promote relationship , self esteem and vision , and skills of the kid.</p><p></p><p>I would have a discussion and say we have the problem that ' money from stolen' and we feel that you have to part of the solution. We want an honest conversation , no talk about blame or punishments , just trying to understand why it happened , what was challenging you and then come up with a mutually satisfying solution to the problem . We also will need ideas from you about making amends, restitution, and most important rebuilding trust.</p><p>We need to trust you and you need to learn to trust us. How can we trust again?</p><p></p><p>If we try to promote trust, responsibility and caring , we have to work with the child and help him connect with a deep inner core of his true values , the type of person he truly wants to be . Threats , punishments, consequences and fear don't promote responsibility and values</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 372301, member: 10"] Hi, Punishments at most might get short term compliance , may teach a kid to think what happens to me if I get caught , and the lesson he learns is not to get caught in the future - not the lesson we think we are teaching - and certainly we are not teaching responsibility, caring and empathy. Kids would prefer to do well if they could so we need to find out what's getting in their way and we can't do that without input . We can't get input and cooperation if there is blame and punishment. If we choose to treat the situation as a problem to be solved and we want the kid to be part of the solution we need to forget about punishment and focus on solutions and restitution. The solution will treat the underlying problem and address the concerns of your child and your concerns opening the way for your son on his own to try and engage in the moral act of restitution. When we step back we allow the positive side of the kid to come forward , but when we do to kids , we just push them from us , the punishment just reinforces the perception that adults are unfair. There is plenty research showing the bigger the punishment , the less the internalization of the message. We can use a litmus test for our interventions - does it promote relationship , self esteem and vision , and skills of the kid. I would have a discussion and say we have the problem that ' money from stolen' and we feel that you have to part of the solution. We want an honest conversation , no talk about blame or punishments , just trying to understand why it happened , what was challenging you and then come up with a mutually satisfying solution to the problem . We also will need ideas from you about making amends, restitution, and most important rebuilding trust. We need to trust you and you need to learn to trust us. How can we trust again? If we try to promote trust, responsibility and caring , we have to work with the child and help him connect with a deep inner core of his true values , the type of person he truly wants to be . Threats , punishments, consequences and fear don't promote responsibility and values Allan [/QUOTE]
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