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General Parenting
Putting 12 yo difficult child into Hospital
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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 275034" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>We do. We see her every other week. My husband has a neurotic mother that has used him as her replacement spouse since he was about 8 and made him her rescuer in life and we have had some pretty severe problems because of it (for example, on our honeymoon cruise, which was a family thing with the kids and the wedding party etc..., his mother was as always crying and upset with me so he wouldn't sit with me his bride at an after dinner show). He's got very clear codependency traits and has grown up in a dynamic where there's a victim, he's a rescuer, and there's a bad guy. His father was distant and abusive, his mother an emotional mess, and so husband got validation and approval by rescuing mom from dad. </p><p> </p><p>It's a pattern that is dysfunctional and doesn't fit, especially since quite often as in the case of his mom and difficult child, the victim and the bad guy are the same person which leaves the rescuer in an impossible position. husband, expecially in his problems with his mom, has tried to force me into the bad guy role so he could resume rescuing his mom, this is something his mom greatly encouraged. SHe's pretty much cut off from our family life now. </p><p> </p><p>difficult child tried to make me into the bad guy and husband into a rescuer too, but it hasn't worked out as well because difficult child also victimizes husband so husband can more clearly see that difficult child is not much a victim and is often the bad guy.</p><p> </p><p>Of course for people who have not grown up in this dysfunctional system, this all seems crazy. Most people know that we all on occasion all bad guy, victim, and rescuer, and that these are events in our lives--not our identities. </p><p> </p><p>husband needs to do individual therapy to deal with his family of origin crappe, but won't, so we work through it in marriage therapy and it seems to be helping. But of course a stressful event like this stirs up a lot of dust.</p><p> </p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/faint.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":faint:" title="faint :faint:" data-shortname=":faint:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 275034, member: 5169"] We do. We see her every other week. My husband has a neurotic mother that has used him as her replacement spouse since he was about 8 and made him her rescuer in life and we have had some pretty severe problems because of it (for example, on our honeymoon cruise, which was a family thing with the kids and the wedding party etc..., his mother was as always crying and upset with me so he wouldn't sit with me his bride at an after dinner show). He's got very clear codependency traits and has grown up in a dynamic where there's a victim, he's a rescuer, and there's a bad guy. His father was distant and abusive, his mother an emotional mess, and so husband got validation and approval by rescuing mom from dad. It's a pattern that is dysfunctional and doesn't fit, especially since quite often as in the case of his mom and difficult child, the victim and the bad guy are the same person which leaves the rescuer in an impossible position. husband, expecially in his problems with his mom, has tried to force me into the bad guy role so he could resume rescuing his mom, this is something his mom greatly encouraged. SHe's pretty much cut off from our family life now. difficult child tried to make me into the bad guy and husband into a rescuer too, but it hasn't worked out as well because difficult child also victimizes husband so husband can more clearly see that difficult child is not much a victim and is often the bad guy. Of course for people who have not grown up in this dysfunctional system, this all seems crazy. Most people know that we all on occasion all bad guy, victim, and rescuer, and that these are events in our lives--not our identities. husband needs to do individual therapy to deal with his family of origin crappe, but won't, so we work through it in marriage therapy and it seems to be helping. But of course a stressful event like this stirs up a lot of dust. :knockedout: [/QUOTE]
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