Question for the *brainstorming list*

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Jun 27, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Excuse me if my thoughts ramble, I will try my best to make sense with these qusetions.

    In reading the list most of the suggestions are geared toward the difficult child that is asking for help from one of us.

    My situation at this time is a difficult child that is seeking out his sister. He has called twice and you all know the conversation that took place. The first time she was not home. The second time I lied and said she was running out the door to work. She ran into at the store maybe an hr later so he knows I lied.

    Today, the PITA difficult child that my difficult child is living with calls my house and asks for easy child. I asked him what he wanted her for? Oh, I just need to talk to her about something, he said. I just said she is not here and left it at that.

    What would be a response other than lying for my difficult child and the other difficult child he is asking to call here for him?

    *In speaking with the therapist regarding protecting easy child from difficult child, she used the words "I am like a pitbull standing guard" speaking of me protecting easy child.

    She made a statement that has been on my mind~

    You want to protect her from everything, yet part of her growing up is experiencing pain and learning from it.

    She also said as hard as this is on her, she saw it as a blessing for the opportunity for easy child to experience these pains now and learn to deal with it in a healthy way before she finds her life mate. Reminding me of how many women live in unhealthy relationships trying to "fix" the partner they have chosen.

    I am only sharing that part to shed light on easy child's makeup.
    I am a fixer! I am learning at age 40 to change that! I have suffered great pain trying to "fix" a man.

    During the struggles with difficult child at home, easy child was the pleaser. She has all the triggers to become the woman that finds the broken man in her life and tries to fix him.

    All that being said, What would you tell difficult child when he calls for her? He is not asking me for anything and I am not sure what he wants with easy child, but how would you handle it? How would you handle the other difficult child that he asked to call for her?

  2. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    I believe, at 17 years old, I'd let her decide whether or not she wanted to speak with her brother or his friends. The fact is that she's always going to be his sister and might as well learn some skills to deal with him now while she lives at home with you nearby to help her navigate.

    If she doesn't want to speak with and/or have contact with him, then you can tell him that and won't be lying.
  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I was just thinking about asking your easy child if she wants to talk with him. If she says no, there is your answer. If she says yes I guess I would go over the list with her. I would even tell her that mom said I can't give you anything, but I can talk on the phone. It would make you the bad guy once again, but give your easy child an "out" if she still wanted to talk with him, but not get pulled into his game of what's in it for me....
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    in my humble opinion my son is a crack abuser. I have no idea what level he is on at this point but ~

    He is mooching off others for a roof

    He blew the motor in his car

    He has to come up with 400 a mth to pay court

    His sister is working 2 jobs and has her own car

    If he wasn't my son I would say the only reason a crack addict had any dealings with someone that didn't do crack with him would be to get something out of them so he could buy more crack.

    My mommy heart wishes it was for strength and affirmation of love...I believe the other to be the truth now.

    Is there a happy medium between protection and allowing contact?

    Am I reading too much into this?
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    WM and CA, She wants to meet him somewhere. She thinks I am over reacting with my concerns.

    He lives in a different world she doesn't understand.

    My worst fear would be someone that has been looking for my son finds him and he is with easy child and she gets in the middle of it.

    We all know that most people that live in the world my son is in talk with guns
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Honey, if it is as serious as you think, screen your calls. Just don't answer the phone when he calls. If you don't have caller ID, don't answer ANY calls. If it is important, the caller will call back. You can do this for a period of time until you and easy child get through a few sessions with therapist and al-anon.

    easy child may be 17, but she is still a child.
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    If these were my kids the only contact I would allow is on the phone. If your son needs that much money you know he's only trying to see Sis for some cash, a ride, or wants to "borrow" her car for an "extended " period....if you get my drift....I can't see the real need for contact...until he can pull himself together.

    I forget if she graduated from HS or will be a senior next fall...Is she thinking about college? Would be great if she could go to a school out of your town. How does she feel about all this? No sibling wants to be taken advantage of.....
  8. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    She is now a senior, graduates next may. She is undecided between attending a college near here or "making it big" in california with her modeling.

    She is ready to leave this small town either way.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is not good. Fortunately for me, my son is my youngest and he is stupid but not in quite the drug problem yours is. Mine also would die before he would allow drugs to touch his sibs. I dont get the concept of putting their siblings at risk. See...Cory has the sense to know that his older brother was a Marine MP and what he did could impact him...therefore he stayed far away from him when Jamie was home. He wouldnt even allow his friends to smoke a joint on our property if Jamie was due home on leave. It just wasnt cool. Now that Jamie is a law enforcement officer it really isnt The boys keep their worlds separate out of respect. Cory wouldnt dream of going up to Jamies house and carrying drugs there. It simply wouldnt happen. Jamie would kill him!
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Nomad I like your suggestion but, easy child still sees her bro thru the memories she has.

    I am struggling with detaching and she is not yet aware that she needs to detach.

    She is 17, you know "Nothing bad is ever going to happen to me mom"

    She wouldn't agree with the standing beside her on the phone. Again, she is flapping her independence wings at this point.

    Janet ~ My Corey has no boundaries. It doesn't matter who he manipulates to get his way. It is all about "him" he has no concern for anyone else
  11. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    My thoughts on this now (which is subject to change with further thought)

    Say she is not here until she grasps the fact of what detaching is and how important it is for her well being and safety.

    This goes against what I need to do to change my thinking and reactions (trying to control and fix situations)

    I know any questions to difficult child or his buddy will not be answered honestly so there is no reason for me to get in an argument with him about why he is calling her.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HH...have you considered getting an order of protection against him for HER? This might just solve the problem and tell him that he cant be doing this crap to her. He cant be going around you to contact her to try to manipulate her. He cant try to get his buddies to contact her either.

    It would probably make him mad and make her feel like you are butting into her business but oh well. Sometimes a momma has to do what a momma has to do.
  13. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Do you have a phone answering machine? Might be a good idea to get one and screen calls....If it's important people leave messages....My mom always used to say, just because the phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it. She may think she can handle this, but when drugs are involved it can get scary real fast.....not a lesson you really want her to learn by experience... I wish you luck in dealing with the sibling relationship and in my mind there is a difference in control and protective behavior...she is also living under your roof so you get to call the shots about what goes on in your home....
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I think she has to figure it out herself. she can do that while still living under your roof. the minute she is out of your protective bubble, he will hook up with her somehow.

    let him talk to her. then ask her what he wants so you two can discuss if it is a good idea or not. that way you will have some input in her decision.
  15. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    in my humble opinion, there's something about sibling love that will ultimately put them together.

    Have you discussed your thoughts and fears of this whole thing with easy child?

    What would happen if you role play a little with her? also, it seems like the therapist is agreeable to having easy child see difficult child and go from there.

    Do you think the screening of calls will eventually lead to a waiting by the end of the street until easy child leaves and then difficult child ultimately talking to her whereever she ends up at?

    My difficult child 2 caught on quick to what difficult child 1 was up to. It didn't take long before difficult child 2 learned not to take his calls and to only call him when HE wanted to.

    Thinking of you.
  16. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all for the suggestions.

    I am walking a fine line with the control issues with easy child right now, it has to do with other issues but they all mesh in the end.

    I feel like if I demand control with this she is ultimately going to keep his contacting her from me.

    I think it would turn out just like Sunny said, he would just meet her down the street or show back up at her job. All she has to do is give him her cell # and I would never have a clue.

    I hadn't even thought of a protective order for her, maybe I will bring that up to the therapist.

    She has been angry, maybe angry is not the right word. She has been distant since the meeting we had with the therapist. I think she feels like I took something away from her. Here's this person that knows only what she feels like talking about and I :censored2: in and spill the beans. Her only reply thru the entire hour was "I don't want to talk about it!" But it was apparent that it was affecting her because tears streamed down most of the time.

    I do feel like I have to protect her, but I also feel like I would rather her find out now the truths of addiction while she is at home with us and we can be there for her rather than later in life.

    I am in awe how one family members choices affect the other members of the family so deeply.

    Thank you all,

  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    would she be willing to read teh codependent no more book by melody beattie?

    would she let you educate her in substance abuse so she knows what she is dealing with?
  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Oh, HH, this is hard. My pcdaughter and your difficult child son are almost identical in age and in their station in life. difficult child says he is clean now, but I still have my doubts. He is back home and pcdaughter has moved out. She can't stand living with him!! She will talk and try to help him out, but she hasn't forgiven him for the chaos he brought to her life over the years---and she has very few fond memories. It's sad that there is such a rift in my family because of difficult child's actions over the years. I miss her so much. She was the spark that kept the fire going---and he is the the water that douses it out!
  19. tandem biker

    tandem biker New Member

    Dear Hearthope,

    One of the things I would suggest to you and then possibly you could suggest to easy child would be to tune in to the show "Intervention" (check out this online link to the show: which might give you/her a better indication of the world that he may currently be involved in right now. It realistically shows just how convoluted addicts (drugs, alcohol, etc.) are and the lengths they go to obtain their fixes and the destruction they cause among family members who are concerned about them. This might better help the two of you have a conversation about your concerns over her mental/physical safety over having a relationship with him at this stage.

    Best wishes.
  20. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Janet ~ She is not opening up about her feelings toward her bro now. Her biodad has taught her the effects of addiction. Maybe that is why it is so hard on her that her bro has chosen the same path?

    EW ~ My easy child didn't want difficult child living here. She can recall ALOT of bad times. She misses him but not enough to have him live here. She says she saw from the beginning why he couldn't live here before I figured it out.

    TB ~ I can't watch the show. easy child has tried a couple of times but it upsets her as well.