Question for the *brainstorming list*

[KFld]

She can't stand living with him!! She will talk and try to help him out, but she hasn't forgiven him for the chaos he brought to her life over the years---

This is pretty much how my easy child and difficult child's relationship is and difficult child hasn't lived home in almost 2 years. easy child resents so much of what difficult child did to our lives and always has her guard up with him, though she does let it down a little more now.

This is a tough one because I know how my difficult child abused his relationship with easy child who at the time worshipped him. She would give him money and do whatever she needed for him until he started stealing from her and that crushed her. I think your difficult child is looking for something from her since she has a car and 2 jobs, he probably knows she would do anything for him. I don't know if it's a good idea to let her learn this for herself, but then again, she is going to truly resent your controlling this relationship and you have to decide if it's important enough to keep her away, when you could lose her in the end.

I think I would handle it this way. If you have caller i.d. or voicemail, then screen your phone calls if you don't recognize the number. If you don't answer when difficult child or his friend calls, then you don't have to make the decision whether to let her talk to him or not. If she happens to answer, that is her choice. This takes the control of the situation off of you. You won't have to feel guilty that you didn't allow it and she gets mad, or that you did allow it and he screws her in the end. Leave it up to her, but you can continue to detatch. I would not answer my phone unless I knew exactly who it was. If it's somebody important, they will leave you a message.

 

[DDD]

I agree with Karen. It is a difficult decision, for sure. To
me, this is another example of how PCs ARE impacted no matter how
"healthy" they appear, no matter how much they achieve. I harp
on that subject every time there is an opportunity because I
have lived it, even when substance abuse is not the difficult child issue.

The one reassuring aspect of PCs is that they truly know they are
loved and can turn to their parent if needed. Good luck. DDD

 

[hearthope]

Thanks Karen and DDD!

I have not had another call that I have answered from difficult child or his buddy. Most everyone that calls for easy child calls her on her cell, if our landline rings it is usually for me or husband.

I know that if I try to control this she will give him her cell # and what ever happens will be kept from me.

So far she says she hasn't given it to him, but I am not sure I believe that 100%.

I am continuing to detach. I offer advice to easy child when she is receptive and leave the rest alone.

She had a really good talk today with therapist so hopefully she is working thru her feelings. The therapist agrees with me about her seeing her bro, she wasn't aware of everything he had done and is still doing when she suggested they meet.

Thank you all again for your thoughts....I think we all try so hard for our easy child's knowing the pain that has been caused by the sibling that they love when that sibling uses the very love the easy child has for them for their own gain