Thank you all for your thoughts. I actually forgot I wrote this thread until a few minutes ago, and I was shocked at the number of replies. Each of you touched on different important aspects that I have either said or asked myself. If October is hard on me, but I function daily ok then why talk about it. Does the fact that each year on these 3 days I feel physically sick like I have the flu and just want to lay down and sleep until the following day, does that mean I have to talk about it. Am I in denial and affectively pushing all of this down, or am I ok and just have a period in my life that most can't relate to so therefore I don't talk about it. There are so many issues, so many what if's.
Gotaloveem, I am sorry for the loss of your son. I can not imagine that pain. I do however know that for me time did change things. Life has gotten easier. I won't say enjoyable, because it hasn't, but it has gotten easier. The loss is not the first thing in my head when I wake up each morning, and it's not my last thought before falling asleep. And yes, days (even weeks) may go by that he's not in my thoughts. Life is busy and therefore time does seem to go by quicker in between thoughts and memories. I hope the pain and the loss is more gentle to you.
I will say that now and then I still do have flashbacks of the the crime scene or related event. But I also have flashbacks of daily life. The vivid views, sounds, and smells of streets we walked. The bakery or gas station where we knew everyone. Sitting down to dinner, watching tv or even the way he would tease me because my spanish always had a southern twaing to it. The way that he not only accepted the fact that I was college educated and professionally licensed, and he was not; but that it never diminished his self worth, male ego and his place of the man of the house in our relationship. He has been the only male (other than my father) who was proud of my accomplishments and was not threatened by them. And he was the only one who when I came home I did not have to wear the authoritative pants and make all the decisions, like I do at work. And he is the only one I have ever met who was so widely versed in all subjects, even though he chose to leave college. The vast wealth of knowledge he had was amazing, and we could talk on any level about any subject. But although he was so incredibily intellegent, and he has a very famous father (in their country of origin) he was amazingly humble and not pretentious. Actually I dated him for years, and never knew who his father was and what their name meant. He acquired his humbleness from him father. To say that he was my soul mate, is an insult to that meaning. I know that what I(we) lost is not something that I can ever regain with someone else.
In truth, sometimes when I realize that time has gone by and he has not come to mind and am ashamed. I feel as though I have betrayed him and his memory not remembering him or giving thanks to G-d for our time together. Other times when this guilt comes to me I correct myself and internally say that this is not true. I do not need to relive that murder scene in my head to prove that I do not disrespect his memory. The homicide detectives told me that this one event will forever change me. I will never to be same. At that time I did not understand what they meant. And today, trying to remember who that woman was years ago is something that I don't actually remember. And in truth, there are days that I have no memory of. I don't know where I was for Thanksgiving or Christmas that year. These days (even weeks) are lost to me forever.
In addition, speaking to someone just a few minutes ago I thought of another truth that I had forgotten about. Remembering back to some things I think to myself, who was that? I honestly can say I don't remember who I was years ago today. My life totally changed after he died. Things that were so important then, are not now. Things that I took for granted are important to me now. I don't acquire "things" any more. They are worthless, and have no meaning. When he was murdered they also robbed our house. Items that the police found are still in the evidence room, and I'll never get them back. Other things are just gone. My years of collecting antiques, and other expensive things for investment just went "wooosh" out the door. Like him, those items can not be replaced. They were one of a kind. So with so many things I just lost interest in it, or never tried to continue where it was left off. I just walked away once the trial was over, and never went back. I even refused the jury trial and went straight to making a plea deal with the murderers. I could not imagine having to relive that crime scene day by day during a trial. Or I would not and could not allow the crime scene pictures to be revealed to the public or more importantly for his parents and family to see. It is enough that I saw what they did to him. It's my burden, and I will never allow it to be his parents burden. I know they would not survive if they saw those pictures, and therefore I gave them a deal. Instead of the death penalty or life in prison I gave them a long sentence with an ending date. After that I just walked away in every sense of the word. To some extent I question if I use the children as a diversion. Something to keep me busy, so that I don't have to remember or think. Having the boys means a busy day, and then sleep. So far 9 yrs have past, and this diversion seems to be working.
Thank you all for sharing your traumas and your thoughts. I pray each of you heal and don't live that those painful memories anymore.
There are lyrics to a song by Lincoln Park that sums up my feelings about this.
"Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away noone can ever see
wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
for years and years they've played
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so, there'd never be a past
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change".
