Question to the group....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mikey, Jun 22, 2007.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    wife and Dancer are leaving on Monday for two weeks on the west coast, leaving me with Sarge and McWeedy. I've been nervous about this for weeks, since I have to work and that would leave McWeedy "unchecked" for the entire day (and most of the night, if he decided to stay out 'till curfew). To say the least, I wasn't very happy with wife adding herself to what was supposed to be a trip just for Dancer to see her grampa.

    Last week, though, I started to get the feeling that McWeedy wasn't going to make much trouble during that two weeks. I think that several issues came together to lead him to that point: the various medical issues, his run-in with the police, my statement that he was close to making his therapist's prediction that he'd be kicked out of the house within a year, and the fact that I'd already talked to both the police and juvie authorities about exactly what I could and couldn't do with him (and what they could/would do with him as well).

    So, while I wasn't as worried, I still wasn't looking forward to what would still be a lonely two weeks, since Sarge either works or keeps to himself, and McWeedy is gone every moment he can manage. So I started to try and plan something for "just the guys". I asked them for ideas, and came up with going to Orlando for the week of the 4th, staying at the Hard Rock hotel (something both of them have wanted to do for a while), going to the Universal theme parks, and going to see Blue Man Group in concert at Universal. We'd also be at Universal for their big 4th of July bash at Citiwalk.

    When I pitched it to them, they said it sounded fun. So I worked, begged, and finally put it all together except for actually spending the money on reservations. On a hunch, I asked them one more time "are you both sure you want to do this?".

    I should have known....

    Sarge starts bleating about not being able to miss work (even though I'd carefully worked out the trip so he'd only miss two days), and McWeedy starts griping about wanting to spend that week with his girlfriend. "Can we bring her?" he asks? At first, I said no because it was costing quite a bit per person. He then pipes up 10 minutes later that she was willing to kick in 500 bucks to go. I then say that she'd need an extra room at the hotel, which is already 300 bucks/night for the 4th. He then got that hang-dog look on his face, and said "I really wanted to be with her on the 4th" and walked away.

    So now, I'm not sure what to do. Originally, I didn't want to do this because of the money. But wife convinced me to try, saying "when will you have another chance to get away with your sons, just the three of you for something you'll remember forever?" I thought about it, then realized she was right and worked my prodigious rear end off coming up with something we'd all enjoy. I became really excited about the trip, and was looking forward to a fun, guys-only vacation with my sons.

    Only, I didn't count on the fact that no matter how "fun" I could make it for two older teen boys, that they still wouldn't want to go and couldn't appreciate that the goal was for us to spend time together.

    Sarge asked me last night if we were still going. I replied that he didn't even know if he could/would get the time off from work. He said he'd ask today, but he's a hard person to read. I never know his motivations for anything (probably borderline aspie), but if he says he wants to go, I'll take it. The only problem is McWeedy.

    First, a blatantly obvious statment: McWeedy cannot be left alone for four days, and there isn't a single person I can let him stay with that I trust. So either he goes, or nobody goes.

    Now, the question: if Sarge wants to go, do I force McWeedy to go as well? I think he'd like it once we're there, but I also think he could really ruin it if he gets a notion to be a jerk. Also, I can't send him off so that Sarge and I can go. His primary gripe is that he wants to be with his girlfriend, so sending him off would be no different than bringing him, only difference being that he'd make someone else miserable besides me.

    Over the last 12 hours, I've drifted back and forth between forcing him to go and hoping for the best, to completely giving up hope and deciding to stay home and weather the two weeks 'till wife and Dancer come back (whoopee, big fun there). And I have to make a decision today, since air flights and other things are booking up fast (that's only two weeks away).

    Thoughts from anyone? I can go, force McWeedy to come, and hope for the best, or I can stay home, essentially on my own for two weeks, and lose my chance for a summer vacation with my kids.

    Ideas, thoughts, or comments much appreciated.

    Thanks,
    Mikey
     
  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Wow, Mikey,
    I do not know--am going back and forth myself--I have a feeling that I would probably just not do it. If it didn't work out I would be very resentful and upset about spending all that money. Also, since no one is all that enthusiastic I would be resentful anyway--here I am, trying to plan a nice, expensive, fun trip for people who have no appreciation for it!
    Well, turns out I did have an opinion--hope some others come along with their perspectives!
    Jane
     
  3. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    All I can tell you is about our own experience along the same lines. After several dismal "fun-vacation" failures including forfeiting $3000 for a cruise that never happened, several hundred dollars wasted to rent a separate cabin next to our RV site for our son and his friends, etc., if we had it to do over again, we would scrap the plans.

    The trips that actually happened during that period of time were when we "forced" our son to accompany us, and they were just as disappointing. Although we did our best to keep him happy and occupied, i.e., brought along friends whose way we paid, rented jet skis and boats in the summer, gave him and a friend snow-boarding lessons in the winter, he simply didn't want to be there. And, although he wasn't actively behaving like a jerk MOST of the time, he was a real "downer" to have along.

    No matter how much we tried to make a family trip happen with our son as a pot-addicted teenager, the sorry fact is that nothing held as much allure for him as hanging out with all his pot-smoking friends. In fact, I now have no doubt about what he and his friends would have been doing in that cabin...

    I'd save my money and go somewhere on a vacation with your wife when the heat dies down. You'll probably need it...

     
  4. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    Mikey,
    Since my difficult child has pretty much morphed into a easy child, I mostly just lurk now and then. I've been following the saga of The Mighty McWeedy and I'm going to vote differently than JBrain and CAmom. I think it would be a good thing. MW and his brother can spend some time together doing something they've always wanted to do, and you three guys will have a ball! Do you really think he'd ruin a once-in-a-lifetime trip for himself? If you do, then I'd say no. BUT, you said he's always wanted to stay ay the Hard Rock, and you think he'll enjoy himself once he's there. It could be he feels like he has to object to spending the holiday apart from his girlfriend (especially if girlfriend objects to him being gone), but he may secretly hope you make him go.

    If Sarge is in, I say go for it!

    Good luck!
    :warrior:

    Genny
     
  5. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Hi Mikey

    I have to vote on the side of not going. To this day, I've scrapped more "fun" times than anyone could count. difficult child just puts such a damper on it, that I'd rather stay home. It's cheaper to be sitting at home with a non-compliant difficult child than to be on a vacation with a non-compliant difficult child. On the other hand, as long as WE are spending money on HIM, he's pretty happy. Isn't it sad that we even have to weigh the good and the bad, rather than having a surprise of a planned, fun-filled vacation?
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im gonna side with Genny here. I would vote drag him along even if he is protesting. He will shape up I think when he gets there in spite of himself. Hard to be unhappy in the happiest place on earth...lol.
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I don't know. If you force him to go and he ruins your vacation you aren't going to be very happy, but then again you never know, maybe he'll have a ball and it will turn out to be a great experience for all of you.

    I just know it's not easy to force a kid to go somewhere when they don't want to be there.

    If you could find a place for him to go, I think I would go without him, but then again do you want him to be someone elses responsibility while your gone?

    I'm not very much help am I????? I really don't know what I would do, obviously!!
     
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    I guess that's the part I'm having trouble with. His girlfriend has been gone for a week, and gets back tonight. So is he just acting wonky because he's mooning around while she's not here? Or does he really not want to go? Usually, McWeedy's pretty easy to read (except when he's making an effort to lie). This time, though, he's harder to read than his brother - and that's saying something!

    wife tried to talk to him again this morning about it. Not to try and convince him one way or the other, but to find out (if possible) what he's really thinking. He would never give a "yes or no" answer, and finally ended up saying "I don't know what I want" and then locked himself in the bathroom (well, not really, but that's where he usually escapes to when he wants to end a conversation).

    I'm still on the fence, since wife hasn't been able to get anything more out of him than I could. I guess I'll figure it out by this evening.

    :crazy2:

    The other option I have is to "take what I can get", and plan something a little less ambitious that will let McWeedy bring Weedette along with me and Sarge (like rafting in Colorado, which we can drive to). I can then plan the same Orlando trip later in the month with Dancer (who is an absolute BLAST to travel with). That's likely to end up being what happens, but I'm still hoping for a miracle.

    Thanks, everyone.

    Mikey
     
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Mikey, I'm on the fence about this one too.

    If you do decide to go, I'd leave the girlfriend at home where she belongs! Did your son get to tag along on HER families vacation? Didn't think so! If you could pull the trip off, your kids would have a great time, inspite of themselves! And it would be a wonderful way to spend some "guy time" alone with your sons. If the girlfriend goes along ... no way! If she was there, he'd spend all his time involved with her and the whole point of the trip would be lost. You'd turn into the "chaperone".

    I know they'd have a good time on the trip. Guys that age like to act cool and unimpressed, even when they are enjoying themselves. When my son was 21, it took him an entire SIX MONTHS to finally casually mention how much he enjoyed a trip to a big art museum with his sister and I! All that time he had never said a word and we just assumed that he was tagging along to be polite!
     
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    I agree, Donna, but the point is that McWeedy is tacitly calling the shots. If he doesn't go, nobody goes anywhere (for obvious reasons). And unfortunately, this isn't a "family" vacation, since my two favoite girls in the world won't be there. But it might well be the only vacation I get with Sarge. And Weedette isn't all that bad of a girl, even if she is an enabler.

    Also, if she comes along it would be on her or McWeedy's nickel, not mine.

    A shorter trip with her along wouldn't be what I wanted, but in the end would be better than nothing at all. However, I'm still rubbing my rabbit's foot that McWeedy will decide this evening not to pass up what might be the best "guy's vacation" he'll get for a long, long time.

    Mikey
     
  11. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    change of enviroment might do you all well, force mcweedy along! I am actually considering going TO gREAT wOLF lODGE this weekend for an overnight, Lord knows neither difficult child deserves it but I think we all just need a break from here.

    <<<HUGS>>>
     
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I say go. Why should all of us be the only ones that had to suffer through a horrible vacation???

    :rofl: :rofl:

    But, seriously - your son will not even remember GFs name when he looks back at 30. This trip - it could be a trip to remember, forever!
     
  13. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I haven't walked in your shoes, but I think I'd make difficult child go with-me.

    But I'd also like to think I'd go ahead and go with-Sarge in spite of everything. Siblings have a hard time of it as a general rule. A little 1:1 may be in order.

    At 17, if difficult child set his mind to it, he'll get into trouble whether you're there or not. About the best you could hope for is that if you stayed home, the trouble would be postponed for a day, a week, a month -- maybe??

    on the other hand, if you want difficult child to go, tell him you've decided you don't want him to go. Works for my difficult child from time to time. lol
     
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    McWeedy admitted he didn't know what he wanted. He wants to be with his girlfriend. Typical. He wants The Hard Rock. Also typical. He probably doesn't want to make the decision because he loses either way -- no girlfriend or no Hard Rock or he totally wins -- girlfriend and Hard Rock.

    So, I'd make the decision based on whether Sarge can get off work. If he can, go for it and no GFs allowed no matter who pays. This is a boys' night out trip. Since he is on the fence, odds are he'll sulk at first and then get with the program and have a great time. If he doesn't, he can sit in the hotel room (you can always hire a sitter from the hotel if necessary) while you and Sarge have a great time. The BMG is definitely worth the trip!

    I think the bigger question is do YOU really want to go? Were you excited finding the rooms, etc? If so, go for it. If it was just something to do, do something else. Go river rafting, rent a cabin by a lake and let each boy invite one friend, whatever. Of course, if other kids come along, you're spending the 4th by yourself.
     
  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Well, I had this problem myself earlier in the week. I wanted to take my kids (13 and 15 years old) to the beach. I live in a vacation spot- people come here from all over, and here it is in our backyard. They started complaining, they didn't want to go, and I could just forsee the whole day. I'll take them next week when I have a friend and her teen son go along. But I nixed it, its not worth it. Why should I have to drag them there, I certainly don't feel like going there, it would just be for their sake, for them to have fun-and -they're not doing me a favor, I'm doing them one. So, if you think they will be doing you some giant favor by going, and not enjoy it- it's not worth the time or expense. Hey, you tried. What wrong with these kids?(spoiled!)(I mean mine) Then again at that age, they don't want to be with their parents, I didn't.-Alyssa
     
  16. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I have no answers but just a suggestion if you decide not to go. Perhaps you can just plan a few "day trips" with both boys for when Sarge can get off from work. Maybe fishing or camping. Maybe you can take difficult child camping one or two nights. I think it would be a great experience for both of you to spend some time together.

    Whatever you do decide, let us know and keep us posted on how things go.
     
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think Mr. McWeedy may be in love :smile:

    I remember at that age thinking I would die if I had to be away from my boyfriend, who is now my husband, for more then one day. No he probably won't remember her name by the time he's 30, but for right now it's normal. Then again I met husband at that age, so maybe you are looking at his future wife :smile:

    I don't know Mikey. I would hate to see you spend all that money and have him be a miserable brat because you made him go. I think I would opt for a few day trips with sarge when he can get off from work and maybe save the hardrock cafe for you and wife when Mr. McWeedy moves out and you don't have to worry about him :smile:

    The hardrock cafe isn't going anywhere, but difficult child might be soon if he doesn't straighten up :smile:
     
  18. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Just a thought (I'm voting FOR the vacation to happen), why not sit down with them both, hand out the available flyers, brochures, etc. and put the trip planning in their laps? This would make them feel like it's truly THEIR trip and not something so important to you? You can sit and referee, put a calendar on the table and let them choose what days you're doing what and for how long. Having a local map available so that they can get an idea where things are will help a lot.

    You paid for them to play...if you want them to be enthusiastic, throw some jargon their way...

    "look, I know how hard you guys work. You need to know that you're working so that you can enjoy some of the finer things in life."

    "you know, you're going to love the girlfriend more than before and will enjoy her 10 times more when you get that 1st glimpse of her when we get back"

    "hey, it's your trip too, let's map it out so that we'll get the best bang for our buck"

    It comes down to "what'll make us each a little bit happy".

    Good luck and I hope you're blessed with some of the best weather on your trip should you decide to go!
     
  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    And out of left field...

    You said that if Lady Weedy went, it would be on Sir Weedy's dime?

    Doesn't the Weedster owe you money? Or am I wrong on both counts?


    I say go and take both boys. Just go.
     
  20. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I may be out in left field on this one but............ if Sarge can get off and you've planned a vacation........why are you letting McWeedy call the shots? it's not like he HAS to be in summer school, or he HAS to be somewhere. He's a minor, he's a member of your family, he is still under your roof and your control. Control........that word again...it seems to me that McWeedy is taking control even thinking about vacation :smile:

    I like the idea of rafting on the Colorado, that lets Sarge, McWeedy and Weedette come too.
     
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