Question

susiestar

Roll With It
When I was in college a guy I was dating came up to visit (I went to school out of state). It never occurred to me to even ASK if he could sleep in my room. I think my parents would have laughed for about an hour before saying no. I know the guy was not thrilled, but when he brought it up I told him it would be disrespectful to my parents and no way in Hades.

My folks knew I spent the night at husband's apartment when we were dating, but I lived at home at the time and would not have even asked if he could stay over. Again, it would have seemed disrespectful. He did spend the night on their couch once, but he fell asleep while we were watching a movie and I didn't want to wake him up. Other than that, it was not even an issue that was discussed. Even gfgbro never brought it up.

If my kids are of age AND in a stable committed relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend that I don't despise, I might consider it. Not sure how husband would feel, but it would depend on him mostly. A one night stand? Not in my home - I have worked to teach my kids to have more respect for themselves and their health than that. I am not even sure my kids would ask to have an overnight guest of the opposite gender spend the night. They are pretty respectful and my husband would find it to be very disrespectful. They read him and his opinions quite well.

I think this is personal and individual, and if you are paying for the home then you have the right to make the rules that you are comfortable with. If your kids object then they can do what centuries of other young adults have done and figure out another place to live or to at least spend a night now and then.
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
I think that parents who are my daughters age have less of a problem with this scenario. My daughter would allow it if it was a long term relationship and she was comfortable with their significant other.

I was just curios if my way of thinking had gone the way of the dinosaurs.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I don't think your choice has gone the way of the dinosaur at all. Here in what my oldest calls the buckle of the bible belt, it is far more common. I know parents who would literally beat their child if they asked to have a guest of the opposite sex spend the night, esp if they wanted that guest to spend the night in the same bedroom.

Of course the whole chastity is the only sex ed point of view isn't uncommon here, and more than a couple of the churches have chastity balls also.
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
I know that my children were sexually active while they were still living at home. They knew it was not going to happen under my roof at night or while I was at work. I think it would have blurred the lines when it came to me saying no to other things that I did not want in my house ( drinking, smoking, people moving in....). I can't dictate anyone else's moral behavior. I also won't let anyone involve me in their engaging in activities that go against my beliefs.

The younger parents in this group looked at me like I was from outer space. They were all worried that their "children" would not feel welcome or comfortable if they did not allow them to do whatever they wanted.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I think many parents worry too much about their kids happiness. My parents told me that I was promised the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness. It was MY job to find a way to be happy AND be a productive member of society. Their emphasis was on the productive contributing member of society, NOT whether I was happy.

I can still remember parents who gave their very young children coke and other sodas in their bottles because it wasn't "fair" for the parents to have soda and the kids not to. I was considered mean and a bad parent because I taught my kids that some things were only for adults. I didn't really care because I thought (and think) that this is bad parenting and stupid. I don't use the word stupid lightly, but it has always applied to me in this instance.

As parents our job is far bigger than worrying if our kids are happy with the rules. Rules exist for a reason, and some things are just not okay. Of course it depends on what you feel is important, but I feel respect for parents is important. Rules like no sex in my home are made for a reason, and that reason is due to what the parents, the ones paying for the home, are comfortable with. In some ways the kids SHOULD be unhappy. If they are not, why would they move out? Living with mom and dad provides a LOT of luxuries that most young ones cannot afford on their own. Parents make kids too comfortable and then wonder why they don't get jobs and move out, etc...

I truly believe that as parents supporting our kids we have the right and responsibility to make the rules. It is our kids PRIVILEGE to follow those rules and respect us, otherwise they have the responsibility to pay their own way and establish their own house with their own rules. I have rules that say my kids cannot keep me out of their medical records while they live in my home. I have the right to look anywhere in my home, go through anything in my home, and examine any electronics that my kids use. Period. I generally don't go through their stuff, but if I feel a need I will NOT apologize for it. If they behave appropriately, they get more privacy. To me this is logical, but to others it isn't. My home, my rules. You have every right and RESPONSIBILITY to make your kids follow the rules you establish, even if it doesn't fill them with happiness.
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
My kids never asked when they were younger. It never really came up. My daughter moved to another state when she was about 21 and a few years later she was in a very serious relationship with a man and they had moved in to an apartment together. I had no problem with this - I was GLAD he was there with her! She was a nurse working nights and I always worried about her being by herself. They soon became engaged and traveled up here for Thanksgiving for us to meet him. I had no problem with them sharing my spare bedroom. Would have been rather hypocritical if I did! They were both in their mid 20's, already living together, engaged to be married. No problem. And that man has now been my son-in-law for thirteen years. But if one of my kids had asked about bringing a casual hookup or someone they were dating home when they were younger? Absolutely not and they knew better than to ask!
 
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