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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674481" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Sp,<em> it is all a game and we are unwitting players in this. </em>The game, for our d cs is to keep us wrapped up tight in their lives and in their drama.</p><p>The biggest chip they have,<em> is the guilt chip</em>.<em> It keeps us dazed and confused</em>, <em>wondering why, and trying to help</em>.</p><p>It keeps us feeling sorry for the conditions our d cs have got themselves into, as a consequence of their choices. There is no use arguing this, with a d c, in the throes of drug use, or mental illness, the risky behaviors, and the results of those.</p><p></p><p>Couch surfing, eventually burning all of their bridges.</p><p></p><p>I think it was COM who likened us as parents to a spoke in a bicycle rim, we are just one spoke, they use us up and move on to the next and the next, until they have gone through all of the spokes, and end up back at us.</p><p></p><p>This is no way to live, we all know this.</p><p></p><p> I went back to your July post, to get a better feel for this. I have had my two come in and out of my house for years. it has been a nightmare. What I began to see was patterning. My response, to their latest "emergency" they would move in, start out okay, then everything would go to <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> and a hand basket. As I would talk with my two, lay down the rules again, the guilt chip would come down, slap. It took awhile for me to see the manipulation and the nature of the beast. That I was being dragged down with them, my home, my son. It made no sense.</p><p>Here, I had three other children who did quite well, these two, using drugs using us, were getting all of the attention. It was so very, very unbalanced.</p><p> The guilt chip. Our d cs are incredibly intuitive and smart, they know just how to play us.</p><p> This is good SP, <em>but she knows you do, </em>that is why she keeps at it, she knows how to get to you.</p><p> This is from your July post, SP.</p><p>You are seeing things, you know what is going on.</p><p>I read an article about changing habits, and patterns, part of the process is thinking about it, then taking small steps to work towards the goal, you have done the hard work. Now, you have hit another area towards the goal that is difficult.</p><p></p><p>The thought of your daughter being homeless, is making this difficult, especially now when it is cold, during the holidays.</p><p>There are places out there, that she can avail herself of. If she does have issues with mental illness, she needs help and medication, but she has to be willing to get the help she needs.</p><p>These are all issues out of your control, she is an adult.</p><p></p><p> This is unfair, SP, she has made you uncomfortable even in your town? I would think, with all of the bridges she has burned, these people realize there is no weight to her words.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is called cycling, spinning. Saying and feeling the same things over and over. But you know SP? It will change, when you begin to see it for what it is, and <em>want change.</em></p><p></p><p>I would say, one of the biggest eye openers for me, was seeing my 14 year old, on my bed, curled up in a fetal position sobbing, after the ugly, dramatic exodus of my Tornado and the grands. It took all of my focus off of them, and I zeroed in on this lovely, bright, sensitive young man, who was going through all of this crazy, his entire life. He doesn't deserve to have it all up in his face. In his home. I began to realize, that if I didn't change my patterns, my responses, my guilt and subsequent cycling, <em>I would lose my son, too.</em></p><p></p><p> SP, when I start to go into thinking about my two, my grands, I focus on my son, and his right to live peaceably. Then, I say a quick prayer, I gave them over to God, it is really too much for me to handle.</p><p></p><p>You have done the hard work in having your d c leave.</p><p>Stay strong, and stay the course. It is hard, but you can do this.</p><p></p><p>Build up your "toolbox", collect "tools" that will help you stop repeating and spinning. Find something that helps <em>you</em>, a hobby, working out, meetings. Your therapist must have resources you can check out, to build yourself up.</p><p>How about your son? I ended up taking my boy to counseling, I wanted him to be able to talk out his feelings confidentially.</p><p></p><p>You can do this SP, you are doing this. We all need a little help here and there. This is one of the most difficult things known to man.</p><p></p><p><em>Keep on keeping on,</em> you are not alone. Most of us have been exactly where you are at. You will be okay.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674481, member: 19522"] Sp,[I] it is all a game and we are unwitting players in this. [/I]The game, for our d cs is to keep us wrapped up tight in their lives and in their drama. The biggest chip they have,[I] is the guilt chip[/I].[I] It keeps us dazed and confused[/I], [I]wondering why, and trying to help[/I]. It keeps us feeling sorry for the conditions our d cs have got themselves into, as a consequence of their choices. There is no use arguing this, with a d c, in the throes of drug use, or mental illness, the risky behaviors, and the results of those. Couch surfing, eventually burning all of their bridges. I think it was COM who likened us as parents to a spoke in a bicycle rim, we are just one spoke, they use us up and move on to the next and the next, until they have gone through all of the spokes, and end up back at us. This is no way to live, we all know this. I went back to your July post, to get a better feel for this. I have had my two come in and out of my house for years. it has been a nightmare. What I began to see was patterning. My response, to their latest "emergency" they would move in, start out okay, then everything would go to :censored2: and a hand basket. As I would talk with my two, lay down the rules again, the guilt chip would come down, slap. It took awhile for me to see the manipulation and the nature of the beast. That I was being dragged down with them, my home, my son. It made no sense. Here, I had three other children who did quite well, these two, using drugs using us, were getting all of the attention. It was so very, very unbalanced. The guilt chip. Our d cs are incredibly intuitive and smart, they know just how to play us. This is good SP, [I]but she knows you do, [/I]that is why she keeps at it, she knows how to get to you. This is from your July post, SP. You are seeing things, you know what is going on. I read an article about changing habits, and patterns, part of the process is thinking about it, then taking small steps to work towards the goal, you have done the hard work. Now, you have hit another area towards the goal that is difficult. The thought of your daughter being homeless, is making this difficult, especially now when it is cold, during the holidays. There are places out there, that she can avail herself of. If she does have issues with mental illness, she needs help and medication, but she has to be willing to get the help she needs. These are all issues out of your control, she is an adult. This is unfair, SP, she has made you uncomfortable even in your town? I would think, with all of the bridges she has burned, these people realize there is no weight to her words. This is called cycling, spinning. Saying and feeling the same things over and over. But you know SP? It will change, when you begin to see it for what it is, and [I]want change.[/I] I would say, one of the biggest eye openers for me, was seeing my 14 year old, on my bed, curled up in a fetal position sobbing, after the ugly, dramatic exodus of my Tornado and the grands. It took all of my focus off of them, and I zeroed in on this lovely, bright, sensitive young man, who was going through all of this crazy, his entire life. He doesn't deserve to have it all up in his face. In his home. I began to realize, that if I didn't change my patterns, my responses, my guilt and subsequent cycling, [I]I would lose my son, too.[/I] SP, when I start to go into thinking about my two, my grands, I focus on my son, and his right to live peaceably. Then, I say a quick prayer, I gave them over to God, it is really too much for me to handle. You have done the hard work in having your d c leave. Stay strong, and stay the course. It is hard, but you can do this. Build up your "toolbox", collect "tools" that will help you stop repeating and spinning. Find something that helps [I]you[/I], a hobby, working out, meetings. Your therapist must have resources you can check out, to build yourself up. How about your son? I ended up taking my boy to counseling, I wanted him to be able to talk out his feelings confidentially. You can do this SP, you are doing this. We all need a little help here and there. This is one of the most difficult things known to man. [I]Keep on keeping on,[/I] you are not alone. Most of us have been exactly where you are at. You will be okay. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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