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Questions for parents of those who been there done that....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 75492" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>As one who survived the "I Threw My Kid Out" (no, it wasn't easy--it was the hardest thing I ever did), I tend to think hardball works better than softball with difficult children. My mommy softness didn't help my daughter one bit. In fact, she exploited it. I don't know if I ever would have thrown her out of my house if we hadn't gone away overnight (the entire family, except for her) and surprised her by coming home early and finding her and her druggie friends all over the trashed house high as kites. I detached then and there and laid down some hard rules. She either went to rehab, worked the program, and followed our house rules or she had to leave our home. I could see that her having a nice, comfy, warm house and lots of good food was enabling her lifestyle. Yeah, she could turn on the charm and stare me in the eyes and lie and say she'd changed. Of course that only made it more devastating when we found drug paraphernalia stashed in her room (she had no privacy--after her second parole we told her we would freely look in her room and read her diary and computer stuff at our will). We were lucky. We found out she was planning on running off to Colorado to be with a guy she'd never met. We derailed that by calling him--she had his number in her diary. </p><p>My daughter chose to leave and swore at us and said she'd never speak to me again, and I cried for three straight weeks. Well, she straightened her life out, and, in the meantime, while she was sorting out her life, my two younger kids weren't subjected to her rudeness and tantrums and the cops visiting our house. Now she is twenty-three and a different young adult. She doesn't do drugs anymore, even quit smoking cigarettes, has a nice boyfriend, a good job, and we are best friends. I am convinced that cushioning our difficult children actually harms them--they are difficult children, after all, and will take what they can get. With no incentive to change because we'll pick them up when they fall, they DON'T change. I personally never used an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but do feel that some parents have unrealistic expectations of RTCs. Many are holding facilities for kids who are too dangerous or self-destructive to live at home. They may do better in a very structured setting, then come home to the real world and remain unchanged. Some kids may really get a lot out of RTCs, but I really think most don't change that much, and they are, unfortunately, not with the nicest kids while they are at the RTCs. So if your difficult child is the same now as he was before, I would stop praying for a miracle and plan a realistic course that is the best for your family. I can't speak about what that is because each family is different. My daughter was eighteen when she chose to leave rather than get help and follow our rules. I've never been sorry we made her go. Prayers and hugs to you and yours. I know how hard it is--do I ever!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 75492, member: 1550"] As one who survived the "I Threw My Kid Out" (no, it wasn't easy--it was the hardest thing I ever did), I tend to think hardball works better than softball with difficult children. My mommy softness didn't help my daughter one bit. In fact, she exploited it. I don't know if I ever would have thrown her out of my house if we hadn't gone away overnight (the entire family, except for her) and surprised her by coming home early and finding her and her druggie friends all over the trashed house high as kites. I detached then and there and laid down some hard rules. She either went to rehab, worked the program, and followed our house rules or she had to leave our home. I could see that her having a nice, comfy, warm house and lots of good food was enabling her lifestyle. Yeah, she could turn on the charm and stare me in the eyes and lie and say she'd changed. Of course that only made it more devastating when we found drug paraphernalia stashed in her room (she had no privacy--after her second parole we told her we would freely look in her room and read her diary and computer stuff at our will). We were lucky. We found out she was planning on running off to Colorado to be with a guy she'd never met. We derailed that by calling him--she had his number in her diary. My daughter chose to leave and swore at us and said she'd never speak to me again, and I cried for three straight weeks. Well, she straightened her life out, and, in the meantime, while she was sorting out her life, my two younger kids weren't subjected to her rudeness and tantrums and the cops visiting our house. Now she is twenty-three and a different young adult. She doesn't do drugs anymore, even quit smoking cigarettes, has a nice boyfriend, a good job, and we are best friends. I am convinced that cushioning our difficult children actually harms them--they are difficult children, after all, and will take what they can get. With no incentive to change because we'll pick them up when they fall, they DON'T change. I personally never used an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but do feel that some parents have unrealistic expectations of RTCs. Many are holding facilities for kids who are too dangerous or self-destructive to live at home. They may do better in a very structured setting, then come home to the real world and remain unchanged. Some kids may really get a lot out of RTCs, but I really think most don't change that much, and they are, unfortunately, not with the nicest kids while they are at the RTCs. So if your difficult child is the same now as he was before, I would stop praying for a miracle and plan a realistic course that is the best for your family. I can't speak about what that is because each family is different. My daughter was eighteen when she chose to leave rather than get help and follow our rules. I've never been sorry we made her go. Prayers and hugs to you and yours. I know how hard it is--do I ever! [/QUOTE]
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