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questions/still struggling (used to be Missy44 - now Missy444)
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 478563"><p>Missy, our situation and feelings are so similar to what I have gone through with my son and i have felt the same way.</p><p></p><p>None of us are perfect parents and we can spend time what iffing ourselves and wondering if we had only.... but the truth is that kind of thinking doesn't help. You cant go back in time and the reality is you don't really know if any of those what ifs would have really made a difference. He is an adult now and so the decisions about his life are his and it truly is up to him now. The fact is none of us had perfect parents, some people have horrible childhoods and grow up and do not do the things our difficult children do. It really is not your fault.</p><p></p><p>I do recommend going to alanon - a parents meeting if they have one in your area. I personally have found it very helpful and it really helped me to let go of the guilt and the what iffing and to start to really believe the 3 Cs, you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.</p><p></p><p>I think the best (and really only) thing you can do is to continue to let your son know you love him and you will help him if and when he is ready to help himself. </p><p></p><p>Jail may be a huge wake up call... more than you realize. My son spent two weeks in jail a year ago. Before that he had the attitude I will do what i want and I don't care if I go to jail...... ha after two weeks in jail one thing he really knows is he does not want to go back. The bravado about jail is gone.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there and know you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 478563"] Missy, our situation and feelings are so similar to what I have gone through with my son and i have felt the same way. None of us are perfect parents and we can spend time what iffing ourselves and wondering if we had only.... but the truth is that kind of thinking doesn't help. You cant go back in time and the reality is you don't really know if any of those what ifs would have really made a difference. He is an adult now and so the decisions about his life are his and it truly is up to him now. The fact is none of us had perfect parents, some people have horrible childhoods and grow up and do not do the things our difficult children do. It really is not your fault. I do recommend going to alanon - a parents meeting if they have one in your area. I personally have found it very helpful and it really helped me to let go of the guilt and the what iffing and to start to really believe the 3 Cs, you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I think the best (and really only) thing you can do is to continue to let your son know you love him and you will help him if and when he is ready to help himself. Jail may be a huge wake up call... more than you realize. My son spent two weeks in jail a year ago. Before that he had the attitude I will do what i want and I don't care if I go to jail...... ha after two weeks in jail one thing he really knows is he does not want to go back. The bravado about jail is gone. Hang in there and know you are not alone. TL [/QUOTE]
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