R C 1212 New Member looking for advice

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by R C1212, Jul 1, 2015.

  1. R C1212

    R C1212 New Member

    Hi Everyone, I'm new, please...

    I have a question, if someone can help, please. I am a 51 yr old male. At age 36 my wife left me for another man. Since that time she has remarried 4 more times. In the current state I live in, we are still legally married. She filed for separation, with the woman adage "I need my time and space" (after I found out she was cheating), and I signed off on it. Somewhere in the middle of the night about 3 months after we separated, she disappeared. It was until 2 years ago I was finally able to track her down and find my kids, now grown.

    I've since reconnected with my oldest (now 22, haven't seen her since she was 6!!). We hit it off right and I was able to step in while she was in college last year and get her items that she missed out on to include a car for her cause I kept seeing post on FB about she needed a ride here and there. When I took her clothing shopping, she about made me cry when we picked out several pairs of shoes and she told me "dad, no one has ever taken me to the store to buy me a new pair of shoes, it's always been from Good Will or a flea market". I was appalled.

    So, now we've both attended each others graduations from college this spring and summer. Her; her first AAS and me my BS. Everything is fine, I've been driving over 1000 miles round trip to go up to visit with her, and even went up to pick her up and take her back coming down here to my graduation. I've filled her with items that she didn't have and wanted, laptop, camera, computer..etc. I've been there for her and again, things were just fine.

    She mentioned once that she had some bi-tendencies, and I told her "we all experiment". But this past weekend, with the SCt ruling on equality in marriage, she went to Cincy to a PRIDE rally, parade and festival. That was fine with me. No problem, I accept her the way she is. I have sins, minor at that, but I can ask forgiveness, and move forward trying to not recommit, like speeding, or sometimes leaving the seat up.. lol . But anyways, she comes back from this weekend in Cincy and the entire weekend, I kept texting her and PM'ing her on FB just to touch base and simply say "Hope you're having fun" and then a "Stay safe, let me know if you need me for anything".. and nothing.. absolutely nothing.. I posted 5 text from 7 am - 11 pm on last Saturday, and 3 on Sunday when she was to return.. that night way after I went to bed, around 1 am, she did text good night. The next day, I did my usual "Good morning Sweetheart" and nothing, again all day Monday was blank until she went to bed but just before entered my usual "Good night my darling, sweet dreams". About 2 am she chimed in with "Gnite". So the next morning I say good morning, and tell her I'll call around 2:30. I get no response. When I call at 2:30, the phone immediately goes to her voicemail without even 1 ring! I tried 3 times and the same thing. About 10 minutes later she's on FB PM and tells me "Awe, I'm sorry I missed your call, my phone was dead and I'm getting ready for work, maybe you can call Friday"... I was just stunned, what went from everyday communications rebuilding a relationship, over the course of one week, went flatlined.. I'm hurt ...again.. I'm trying to figure out what I did??

    Has anyone experienced this before, or similar. she claims she loves me, etc.. but now this? And no she says "I'm not upset" and then she asked me "why do you think I'm upset", my response was "I just though me texting you those few times might have made you think I was bugging you and thought that maybe I did something wrong", she replied with "I'm just tired and needed some sleep, been busy all weekend and only spoke (to her boyfriend) once over the weekend too".

    Yesterday, she entered that everything is fine.. I got a friend to observe her post by screen shot and she told me something wasn't right. I've been researching the web today, cause I pay for her insurance on the car I bought her and she tells me that the insurance is going to be canceled. We've had a snafu because the insurance isn't in my name and when my bank gets the automatic bill pay, they kick it out. So I called her agent and added my name to her policy and let my daughter know this morning its been paid. She responds with "I got a letter in the mail canceling my insurance" "I got your card".. I did a smiley face and then told her I think she missed my post from above where I told her "insurance snafu, talked to your agent, PAID".. she's like "sorry? (with a question mark) but was worried. I responded "I told you I have you honey, if I didn't I would also tell you that" ..

    Anyways not to go further this brings us today. I had a job interview and physical/drug screen and told her I got the job. All she responded with was "good". What happened over the weekend? What did I do? What do I need to do to get back to where we were rebuilding our family? Gosh this hurts and now I'm scare to say anything, text, PM or call her because I don't want to make her mad and don't like letting her know something since I can't call where it requires a diligent answer and all I get is "Ok" or "good" or "yes".

    Thanks for any help or advise from anyone.. this is troubling and bothersome and hurtful..

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...e-me-so-much-read-more-h.58837/#ixzz3efV1z496
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome R C1212,
    It's hard to say why your daughter is being distant. I would suggest giving her time. It sounds like you are doing quite a bit for her which I understand, making up for lost time. It's very sad that you missed out on so many years of her life.
    Most of us here have strained relationships with our adult children and I hope that is not going to happen to you.
    Touch base with her at least once a week, keep it simple, "Hi honey, just checking in to let you know I love you"
    You also may want to dial back a little bit on buying things for her. It's very generous of you to give her a car and pay for the insurance and as long as she truly appreciates it but it's a fine line between helping and enabling. I would hate for her to just "use you" because of what she can get from you.
    I'm glad you reached out. Let us know how things go.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wrote my answer in your other thread.

    Is it possible she sees you as anti-gay? That she is really in a relationship with a girlfriend, not a boyfriend and that she thinks you don't approve? That you have made her think it's bad to have a relationship with somebody of the same sex? I get the feeling that you don't really approve of it and she may too.

    That could be the cause of the rift. Sounds like this is part of her identity and it is very important to her (or s he would not have gone to a PRIDE parade). She may need you accept her 100% as she is. I would not talk to her about sinning. She isn't sinning to many of us and I'm sure she would be deeply hurt and offended if you used that word to explain homosexuality.

    Sometimes we have to put our own beliefs aside to love our children. For them and us. I suspect that you consider it a sin and that she needs to ask forgiveness is not how she feels at all. I don't believe that way either. Heck, and I never experimented and am 100% straight. Still, I think gays are perfectly normal people who were born with differing sexuality. If you feel otherwise, and talk about it, then perhaps you need to alter how to think about it or how you talk to HER about it.

    Good luck!!
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2015
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi RC, you sound like a nice guy who is trying to make up for a difficult past. You have gotten good advice here. I have two sons, one 29 and one 26. I have learned that they need space to live their own lives and it is not about me at all. They aren't mad and they love me and all is well. They just need space.

    When you think about your relationship with your own parents, I don't know about you, but that gives me a good barometer.

    I love my parents and we have a strong relation. However, we don't talk every day and they have their lives and I have mine. We know we are there for each other.

    I think you have clearly shown you love your daughter and want to be a part of her life. That is great.

    If I were you, I would try to create a new normal, where you touch base once a week and get together once every few weeks. Love her and accept her as she is. Her life is hers to live and she will have to deal with the ups and downs of it all, just like you and I do.

    Hang in there and wishing you the best.
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