Rambling non update of sorts...difficult child stopped by tonight and I had a bad week

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    easy child must have gotten a text that difficult child was trying to reach h - and said "dad, difficult child wants you to call him".

    So h called him and came to me and said "difficult child is in town and wants to stop by and pick up some things." I said "when?", he said "now", I said "OK - ask if he wants to stay for dinner." (I have no idea why I said that) H called him, found out what he wanted to get and told him to come at a specific time (15 minutes) and difficult child declined the dinner invitation.

    He showed up, looking no worse for wear, and wanted his black work shoes, his dorm refrigerator and his golf clubs (?). As he hauled the golf clubs down from the garage attic, I asked if any of them were my dad's. He said - "all of them" and I said, "you can't take them." And he he didn't react and put them down.

    His girlfriend was waiting in the car, he struggled to get the fridge in there, and then his skateboard rail.

    He came back to the house and I asked him if he would go upstairs and say hello to his brothers. He did - I saw him glance at his redecorated room and pause and then he went into the upstairs lounge (teen cave) and he definitely noticed that we had rearranged it and had some new seating and a new flat screen replacing the 20 year old tv. He ruffled his youngest brother's hair and said "hey" to pc17 and that was all. PCs seemed nonplussed to see him and he was up there for less than a minute.

    (The boys had been bugging us for a new tv and some gaming chairs for YEARS and we finally went ahead & surprised them with it on Friday- it was our way of letting the younger boys know that life goes on ... and I guess it was a little kismet at work.)

    Came back downstairs and I asked him if he was OK and if he was in school. He claimed to be going to community college up there - I asked if he was full time - he said "no, just taking a landscaping class and chemistry". Then he said goodbye - no hug, no kiss - and he was gone.

    All in all - he was here for about 10 minutes.

    I had an inkling he was in town - his girlfriend had posted that she was coming back for her mom's birthday and when I checked difficult child's phone records - his calls/texts were showing in real time. (When he is away - they lag for 12-24 hours as I guess he is roaming or has no 3G up there.) I had also seen his "shopping list" when I checked his email account and under "things to get" were his golf clubs, his rail, and his refrigerator - so that wasn't a surprise. I can't imagine why he would need golf clubs in February except to sell them so I am glad I didn't let him take them.

    I had noticed a FB post on his wall from his girlfriend's dad saying "congrats on the job" and I had texted him later that week to say "congrats on the job, I hope things work out the way you want them to and hope all is well with you..." and he texted back "thank you , hope all is well with you" and that's the only communication I had with him since he left on 1/23. I immediately regretted texting him and didn't fess up to H that I had until 5 days later.

    It's been a very fraught week here. I am having some huge drama - family and work - with my brothers. I had a long phone call from my eldest brother on Wed - purportedly to see how I am doing -- he asked a lot of questions about difficult child including if I had been in touch with him to which I lied "no" (see text comment above) He also asked if I wanted him to get in touch with difficult child and I said, "no", He asked how I knew difficult child was ok - and I said I can check to see if he is using his phone. He made some inane remark about "well, what if someone stole his phone and it's not him" and I said, "I can tell it's him using his phone." Sure enough, I check difficult child's phone records later that night and my brother had called difficult child and spoken to him for about 45 minutes and had called me afterwards. Never mentioning that he had spoken to difficult child. Now I feel like he was fishing - and I am guessing he knows that I lied about not having been in touch with difficult child - but I am not sure why he was fishing. And although I didn't say anything unfortunate, I feel like my answers would have been different had I known he had just spoken to difficult child. And I am a little perturbed, but I hope in my heart he means well and I really don't think he would give difficult child bad advice. I truly hope my brother is just trying to keep the lines of communication open so I am going to chalk it up to good intentions and leave it alone and try not to dwell.

    Anyway, I was getting a little weepy while on the phone with my bro - so I changed the subject to a work/benefit plan meeting we are attending next week. And we had a nice CASUAL chat about it and agreed we wanted to look into a dumb detail regarding the employee benefit plan. Unbeknownst to me ,my eldest brother later requested that information from the main office - to be sent to both of us - and my OTHER brother got wind of it and got paranoid that older bro and I are going behind his back and sent me and my 74 yo old mother a venomous email to that effect at 11:30pm on Friday. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. I was up all night carefully wording a response to him and an explanation to my mother and had a stress hangover all day on Saturday. I am so tired of going from one crisis to the next and I wish everyone would just leave me alone. Family businesses are NEVER a good idea. My brothers don't get along and my clueless mom was left in charge after my dad died and she doesn't need this bull.

    I am seriously considering moving to MARS

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the update Sig, I've been wondering how things were but I knew you said on a couple posts you hadn't talked to him. I don't get why your brother didn't tell you he talked to difficult child unless he thought you would get upset, or like you said he was fishing and trying to find out for difficult child what your mood was.

    I agree that family business is difficult at best and when you have siblings that aren't cooperative it makes it worse. I haven't spoken with my sister in over a year now and we were very close at one time. All over difficult child, so the fallout from difficult children go far and wide.

    I am still shaking my head at difficult child's girlfriend's family and why they are doing what they are. If difficult child and girlfriend end up together do they not think this will cause problems?

    I loved that he saw the newly redecorated room and the new teen cave and thank goodness you did not let him leave with your dad's golf clubs.

    I think you are doing really well. You are going to have to reinforce detachment to me now.

  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    Glad you were able to see him today. Know it was difficult....

    I live on Mars. Haven't spoken to my alcoholic and likely sociopathic mother in 3 years (since she attempted to blackmail me....long story). I stopped talking to one niece when I learned all the awful things she had been telling me about difficult child were a lie (digital phone recorder set up to catch difficult child really caught her). I gave her a chance to explain - instead I got nothing but more lies and vulgarities - so I walked away and she chose not to approach me. My other niece then left a horrid 8 minute curse filled voice mail defending her sister. Haven't heard from her since. Their father (my brother) then decided shortly thereafter to ignore my calls and texts. But he's an addict so I shouldn't be surprised.

    Kind of strange he sided with our mother as not long before that she called one of the nieces (his daughter) and told her things like, "I hate that monster came out of my body." What mother/grandmother would ever do that?

    While it is sad sometimes and lonely at other times, I do NOT miss the drama, the lies, the toxicity..... If I knew of something to improve the situation, I would do it. But I tried for decades....so Mars is a pretty good place. It's got a great group of friends who are kind and loving.

    I think you are doing awesome with all this...I know it is really really hard.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sig... whatever you do, do NOT move to Mars... Don't you know that men are from Mars?
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    IC - you kill me! I wish this board had a like button! Thank you so much for the giggle - I needed it. And I certainly don't need any more men in my life - I am surrounded. 3 sons, 2 brothers, 8 nephews. UGH

    And thank you Nancy and AG for understanding. Makes me feel like I am not alone. I think I will always be frustrated by those people who invite chaos into their lives...I just don't get it.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I am another that hates the drama! I am the last one in the family to know what is going on. I have a niece that has a loser for a husband and all of the drama from a divorce. He still stops by when ever it's convenient for him amd she says she can't stop him. Oh please! I just don't listen to it, my difficult child brings enough drama without the rest of the family.

    My mother also loves the drama and she is in everyones business, so I tell them very little. If you don't pay my bills you don't get a vote in what I do!
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Can we get a group rate on the shuttle?

    I think you were BRILLIANT to not let him take those golf clubs. that is so random it smacks of selling them. I am glad he just came and went peacefully even if it was so quick. It think you are right, it all happened just the way it was supposed to. See what you are missing??? Not to torture him but a little hint that the world really does not revolve around him but at the same time you had invited him to stay and he could have enjoyed it with them for a while.

    Your story about your brother??? that is odd. Not mean really, just too bad he didn't just say, I just talked to difficult child and I was wondering how you are doing??? Why play games? Sorry about all of that.

    So, my friend.....What are you going to do for fun this week??? Anything?
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You did great Sig. Not sure what your brother was up to but I think it good that you just let it go. in my opinion a pick up of golf clubs in Feb just smaks of a planned trip to a pawn shop.
  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Actually Buddy, I have dinner plans with my high school bff on Wednesday. I will be in town (my main office is 2 hours away) for the stupid 401K meeting in the morning and I am meeting her for dinner at the mall at 6pm. Which should give me a few hours to wander the mall and do some shopping. And while retail therapy is probably ill advised for me financially- it sure is fun and a heck of a lot cheaper than a few hours on a therapist's couch...

    thanks for asking!

    And thank you everyone for the warm words. I am so very weary today and it's nice to be with people who get it.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm a big fan of retail therapy. :check_writer:

    I hope dinner and shopping with your friend gives you a nice respite from GFGworld.

  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm all for retail shopping too. easy child and I spent three days this weekend out of town shopping and having bonding time.

  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I'm dealing with my stress differently. Have been cleaning like crazy. I actually cleaned the vacuum tonight. I figure if I stay stressed, my "to-do" list will be done by 2014.
  13. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I was out of town for the week-end visiting my parents and I just returned tonight. I love the comments on this thread! This is a great group of women who have a wicked sense of humor! And Sig, I also think that you handled the situation with your difficult child beautifully! I know that it was hard to see him again, but you are a very strong mom and you deserve to have some shopping therapy this week. Enjoy!