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Substance Abuse
Rambling & whiny-but how do you cope when the sadness gets to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 505818" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Signorina - I think a better way to think of it is this is the new "normal" - for now. Your relationship with- difficult child may not always be this way (probably won't). It may get better (probably will - as he matures and you master the art of living with- detachment).</p><p></p><p>I was surprised that strangers couldn't see my raw grief when thank you went his own way. He made some really awful choices, and it was just a terribly dark time. Like you, I wanted to fix it, to get him on track, but like you I finally realized there wasn't a doggone thing that I could do. Made me really miss the old toddler days when he would come running for curing kiss for a "boo-boo." Weren't those wonderful (and unappreciated) days, when a mom's kiss could cure all? Except - at 18, he didn't think he had any "boo-boos" and thought he knew exactly what he was doing. </p><p></p><p>I'm not the poster child for good coping skills, but having had a fair amt of grief with- 3 (so far) of my kids, I can tell you how I got thru it. On the really *really* bad days, I gave into the grief. Let it just take me. I think it's important to do this, albeit rarely. On the days that were just really bad, I'd grit my teeth and try to get thru it. I spent months in 2009 with- red eyes, and silent tears running down my face became the norm, but I dug in my heels and did my best to make it to the next day. For me, once the really *really* bad days and the really bad days started to recede, a bad day was a relief. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> </p><p></p><p>At the same time, I made sure thank you knew that our door was figuratively open. I left contact up to him - and we went through a hellacious 4 months of zero contact. I took to checking his myspace for activity, just to confirm he was still alive. But when he did make contact? I very consciously made it superficial. Good to see you, glad you came by, wanna cookie? I learned quickly not to ask "How are you?", 'cuz my kid would tell me, and I didn't want to know. The goal is to try to keep a relationship intact, and sometimes that means shutting up, smiling, and faking it a lot. I actually did a lot of verbal prompting of myself - I'd ask thank you something or start to offer advice, and then I'd say "whoops, never mind, didn't mean to say that." I did that a *lot*. Still do, though interestingly now he gets a bit peeved at me - he wants to hear my opinions, LOL. </p><p></p><p>Work on you, let him do his thing. Personally, I've found counseling with- a good therapist very helpful for the really horrible times, but it's not for everyone. Whatever it is for you, do it. </p><p></p><p>When he does make contact, try to keep it light. In some ways, I think thank you and I had to build a whole new relationship once he starting coming back around - based on adult/adult, not parent/child. It's actually been very liberating for me - much less worry and stress. It's his life to do with- as he pleases. But it's very easy for me to enjoy it now because he has cleaned up his act significantly, and continues to make strides. </p><p></p><p>It may take a while, but hopefully your kiddo will get there too.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry - I know it's incredibly painful. But nothing is written in stone - remember that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 505818, member: 8"] Signorina - I think a better way to think of it is this is the new "normal" - for now. Your relationship with- difficult child may not always be this way (probably won't). It may get better (probably will - as he matures and you master the art of living with- detachment). I was surprised that strangers couldn't see my raw grief when thank you went his own way. He made some really awful choices, and it was just a terribly dark time. Like you, I wanted to fix it, to get him on track, but like you I finally realized there wasn't a doggone thing that I could do. Made me really miss the old toddler days when he would come running for curing kiss for a "boo-boo." Weren't those wonderful (and unappreciated) days, when a mom's kiss could cure all? Except - at 18, he didn't think he had any "boo-boos" and thought he knew exactly what he was doing. I'm not the poster child for good coping skills, but having had a fair amt of grief with- 3 (so far) of my kids, I can tell you how I got thru it. On the really *really* bad days, I gave into the grief. Let it just take me. I think it's important to do this, albeit rarely. On the days that were just really bad, I'd grit my teeth and try to get thru it. I spent months in 2009 with- red eyes, and silent tears running down my face became the norm, but I dug in my heels and did my best to make it to the next day. For me, once the really *really* bad days and the really bad days started to recede, a bad day was a relief. :winking: At the same time, I made sure thank you knew that our door was figuratively open. I left contact up to him - and we went through a hellacious 4 months of zero contact. I took to checking his myspace for activity, just to confirm he was still alive. But when he did make contact? I very consciously made it superficial. Good to see you, glad you came by, wanna cookie? I learned quickly not to ask "How are you?", 'cuz my kid would tell me, and I didn't want to know. The goal is to try to keep a relationship intact, and sometimes that means shutting up, smiling, and faking it a lot. I actually did a lot of verbal prompting of myself - I'd ask thank you something or start to offer advice, and then I'd say "whoops, never mind, didn't mean to say that." I did that a *lot*. Still do, though interestingly now he gets a bit peeved at me - he wants to hear my opinions, LOL. Work on you, let him do his thing. Personally, I've found counseling with- a good therapist very helpful for the really horrible times, but it's not for everyone. Whatever it is for you, do it. When he does make contact, try to keep it light. In some ways, I think thank you and I had to build a whole new relationship once he starting coming back around - based on adult/adult, not parent/child. It's actually been very liberating for me - much less worry and stress. It's his life to do with- as he pleases. But it's very easy for me to enjoy it now because he has cleaned up his act significantly, and continues to make strides. It may take a while, but hopefully your kiddo will get there too. I'm so sorry - I know it's incredibly painful. But nothing is written in stone - remember that. [/QUOTE]
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Rambling & whiny-but how do you cope when the sadness gets to you?
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