Random acts of, well you know, and an upcoming birthday.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jabberwockey, Mar 30, 2015.

  1. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Well, our son is back on FB again. He contacted us last week as he "acquired" another smart phone. Don't ask where he got it from, I didn't. I can only guess that he got it from his new girlfriend...who is married....who he had dinner with including her husband. Makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.

    Anyway, since he got back on FB last week I've seen a grand total of three posts of his which means he probably has me blocked. Works for me as I don't want to see most of his stuff anyway. Only friended him as an easy way to contact each other. So his first post announced to the FB world that he was back. A day or so later, he updated his profile pick. Last night, after having been back on FB for around 5 days or so, he posts something to the effect of I'm turning 20 in a week and could care less. Seriously?????

    He has made no bones about the fact that he hates his life and his friends. So what has he done to change this you ask? Good question, the short answer, and unfortunately the long one as well, is nothing. He's been unemployed since January. I doubt seriously that he done anything more than the most cursory job hunting. In other words, every couple of weeks he might go to the library and put in an online application. He still hangs out with the same people who have helped to make his life miserable and who he always complains are unreliable at best. But he wont stop hanging out with them because its better to have sucky friends than no friends, right? Personally, I'd rather be alone than call or hang out with someone I didn't trust but that's me.

    He is also apparently without cigarettes (no sympathy whatsoever on this point) as he commented to Lil the other day that a friend had given him a refillable e-cig and it would be nice if we could get him some refills for his birthday.

    With the new phone he can access the internet again so he will be on our Netflix account and he also called Lil about getting the password to our DirectTV so he could watch Game of Thrones online. She reminded him that his account would be shut off on June 1st as per our agreement when we got him the apartment. He was surprised that we were going to cut off his phone service. I wonder how shocked he will act when we wont sign for his lease extension when the lease comes due June 1st? Lets be honest here, its going to happen.

    Sorry, this is pretty much just a bit of venting. Lil and I got into the discussion last night of why. Why does he do this, why wont he do that? I will admit that I'm better at not asking useless questions like this than Lil is. Not saying they aren't legitimate questions, just that there is no way to answer them and I'm having trouble not thinking about it right now.

    Anyway, I got talking with an offender this morning and it got me going on the whole "What the hell are/were they thinking?!?!" thing and now I find myself trying, against all reason, to figure out what the hell is going on in my son's mind. I had more job experience by my 17th birthday than he has by his 20th yet he has held more jobs in the last year than I did by the age of 23. I probably bathe more in a week than he does in a month.

    He has such a NARROW view of what the world is and that view is so convoluted by his me-centric thinking that he just sits in his little rathole of an apartment waiting for his life to change while making no attempt whatsoever to encourage that change.

    I do believe its time though. Time for Lil and I to go see a counselor. Time for us to quit talking about getting on with our lives and actually doing it. We need help letting this go and getting on with our lives. I might scratch my head at my son for just sitting there and waiting for his life to change, but it hit me last night that Lil and I are doing that very same thing. We were initially so overwhelmed with what was going on with our son that we ignored other aspects of our lives. Our house is a shambles. Not filthy as in you would be squicked out walking in or sitting down but cluttered and dirty well beyond being simply lived in. We are both having trouble sleeping. Maybe we should wear ourselves out cleaning house so we can sleep. Lack of sleep is also having an adverse affect on our weight, which is affecting our sleep. Its all become a vicious circle and its time to break that circle.

    The discussion we are having in Sunday School is titled "You Cant Walk on Water if You Don't Get Out of the Boat" and this has bearing hear even for those who aren't Christians. Because this translates simply to "You Can't do it if You Don't Try!" Time to try!
     
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  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I know how you feel. When my Difficult Child posts things on FB about how much he hates his life I too wonder and what are you doing to change things. I suppose until they get really sick and tired of the way they are living nothing will change for them.

    My husband and I bent over backwards for our son, I lost count of how many (second chances) we gave him. We too paid for places for him to live and all we expected was for him to get a job. He did actually have a few jobs but in his true fashion he blew it. You see with my son he truly thinks he knows more than everyone. He was working in a warehouse at a furniture store, they took a chance on him knowing that he was a convicted felon. After a couple of months he announces that he's quiting because "the owner has no clue how to run a business and I can't work for someone like that".
    Seriously!!! The owner has had the same business for close to 40 years, obviously he's doing something right. That statement coming from someone who has yet to hold a job for longer than 6 months!!

    I think you and Lil are going through the needed motions of doing everything you can to help him but until he truly wants to apply effort to his life nothing will change for him.

    My son a few times tried to say that husband and I never cared about him, that we didn't love him to which I quickly pointed out all that we have done for him and that we did those things out of love and concern. Your son may also try to say you never helped him but you did and that's something he can't use as an excuse.

    I think it's great that you are seeing that you and Lil need some help dealing with this. You are both such wonderful people, you have given so much to try and help your son but it's time to start helping yourselves in order to take your lives back.

    June 1st will be a hard one. I'm sure your son does not really grasp that you will not be re-signing the lease and he will have to figure things out for himself.

    You have done all you can and then some.

    Hang in there!!!!
     
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  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Yup, that's our son as well.

    Its just hit that point that we know what to do, just not where to start. And Im certain that there is more that we can do so that will help as well.

    This is what really just boggles the mind. Because you're right, come June 1st he will cry and argue that he's done everything we asked him to do and its not HIS fault that nobody will hire him and what will he do...blah, blah, blah. Not looking forward to it.
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think I may be making things harder for Jabber than they would be otherwise. I'm definitely having a harder time with this...or else it's just that "guy" thing. :confused: Last night I managed a small meltdown, the poor man. Today's not much better, as I sit at my desk wiping tears. I really have to invest in better eye makeup.

    I think I may have just hit my limit. Jabber's right about every single thing. The house is just a disaster, but I have no desire to do anything about it. Or I do, but never when I'm home to actually do anything. It's not unsanitary (well, maybe the master bathroom is) but we take out the trash and do the dishes and wipe down the cupboards. But it's just a cluttered mess...for instance Jabber's sleeping bag is sitting next to the TV. He used it in October. It hasn't been put away since. I hate it. I don't particularly care to do anything about it. I think about it. I made a list of all the things that need done before we can sell. Do we get started on any of the DIY stuff? No.

    I'm gaining weight again. Slowly but surely. That has to stop before I can't fit thru a door. My knees hurt. I'm tired all the time. I came home Friday and told Jabber I honestly believe this weight will kill me. But I'm not doing anything about it. Not really. I think about it. But I don't really get past the thinking point.

    Sometimes I feel like my kid. I know he hates his life. But he doesn't do anything about it. Isn't it exactly the same?

    I'm just SO TIRED. I'm exhausted all day and then don't sleep worth a damn.

    I do know I simply can't handle this. Not if it were to happen today. I couldn't begin to deal.
     
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  5. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I don't think I could either. If today were June 1st it would most definitely NOT be a pretty site. Part of the reason I think we need to see a counselor. To help us prepare for the inevitable meltdown and to figure out how to get on with our lives.
     
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well how about you call EAP then? I'm tired of always calling them. lol Your turn. :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2015
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Maybe the girlfriend and her hubby will let him move in with them????

    I know the 'what was he thinking' conversations....

    We have had many.

    Just the other day difficult child told his dad, when asked why didn't he do something simple,''I am self-destructive. That's just the way I am."

    What do you do with that?

    Right now my 10yo is cleaning/vacuuming the truck out. Dad bought her something she wanted yesterday in exchange for her cleaning both vehicles. All morning she has been doing her school work quickly so as to get going on the chore. She always does a good job and needs no supervision. And she will move heaven and earth to make sure it gets done before dad gets home. Not out of fear, but because his good opinion is important to her. She doesn't want to let him down.

    I remember when difficult child was 18yo and dad wanted him to clean out the car that day while dad was at work. He specifically told him it needed to be done before he got home from work. (difficult child used the car and it was mostly his mess) difficult child had nothing to do all day. I gently reminded him several times that his dad would be home at 5. He never got it done. And was indignant when dad was mad.

    We used to brain-storm for hours as to why difficult child was like this.

    So much of his behavior was always blamed on his learning disabilities, and NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD). Not sure if that helped or hurt him.

    Years later, we are still asking the same questions.
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Wow is that familiar. Our son always had chores. They weren't much, pooper scoop the yard (and we walk the dogs on leashes and so we know where they go), clean the cat box, keep cans, etc., out of his room. Little things that really shouldn't take more than 15-20 minutes.

    He'd get home from school at 3 and not start until 4:30...or not get it done at all. When he'd be home all day, same thing. Not that he did anything else. Just sat on his butt.

    He has NO learning disabilities or any other disability that we know of. Just laziness.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you guys are having a hard time.
    I believe the choice to see a counselor is an excellent option right now. As I've mentioned many times, I could not have moved through this dense forest without a guide, the therapy was a necessity, not a luxury.
    June is right around the corner and in my opinion, you both are going to need support to stand in your truth, to hold on to your boundaries when your son has no where to go and the manipulations and guilting begin. Having professional support during that is going to be essential.
    You both have been through hell, and like many of us here, there comes a point where we pick ourselves up off the floor and begin living again...............it's one step at a time, in my opinion, the next step is, contact the counselor. The next steps will follow.
    Hang in there. I know how hard this is...........get as much support as you can.
     
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Jabber is correct, you need to get some help before June 1st.

    Lil, I think you might need to go see your Dr. Stress can do wicked things to our health. Stress can cause so many problems, one being lack of restfull sleep. When our bodies do not get the proper sleep it can cause weight gain and also depression. You may benefit from an anti depressant for a while.
    When my mom died I was also dealing with my son's crappola and hitting the 5 year mark of being cancer free. I was having a hard time sleeping and just felt drained all the time. That drianed feeling was one of my symptoms with the lymphoma so when I went for a check up I shared with my oncologist my fears. He knew my life story (great Dr.) anyway, he told me my cancer was not coming back but that I was depressed due to son's crappola and my mother's passing. He contacted my GP Dr. and I went on anti depressants for about 6 months. Made all the difference in the world.

    June 1st will be here soon so you and Jabber really should seak out a counselor.

    I know you can get through this. If I and husband can do it so can you two.

    I won't sugar coat it, it's hard and there will always be part of your heart that aches for your son.
    (you and I share the only child factor) that makes it really hard.

    It's only through acceptance that we can let go and move on with our own lives. Accepting that no matter how hard you try to help him until he helps himself nothing will change.

    ((HUGS)) to you........
     
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  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yeah, LOL, and our doctor, who I've been seeing for nearly 20 years, just retired unexpectedly. So I also have to find a new primary care doctor and I'm now overdue for my annual on top of everything else.

    Which reminds me, I also need to schedule physicals to keep our health insurance incentives. :rolleyes: But I can just go to the employee health center for that.

    It sounds absolutely crazy, given that I currently take SEVEN prescription drugs - including 3 for my blood pressure - PLUS aspirin, Zyrtec and a vitamin (That's right, 11 pills a day - the one for acid reflux I take twice) but I hate pills. I truly detest the idea of another pill. (Oh wait - I forgot the Estroven for menopause and the ibuprophen (I ususally take 4 otc, which is the equivalent of 1 prescription) so that's actually SIXTEEN pills per day!)

    Hell's Bells! Why am I not dead?

    Seriously.

    And on that note, I think I'm done with work for the day. Getting off the computer and going to do some retail therapy. Actually, buying jeans for my big old butt is not exactly therapeutic, but necessary.
     
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  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Yeah, neither one of us slept well for several weeks. I've had two nights of actual, good rest for the last two nights due to taking muscle relaxers for my back. This morning was the first time in weeks I felt like I was thinking clearly. Granted, getting fuzzy again but that's a bit of a given this late in the work day! Sleep is a big part of the reason I want to start exercising again.

    We have a counselor appointment for Wednesday. We actually spoke to this counselor when all this started almost two years ago so, while he may not be up to date, he at least has an idea.
     
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Lil, my goodness, that is alot of prescription pills. I still think you should see your Dr. I know how hard it is when you have to find a new Dr. I hope you are able to find someone that's good and you like.

    I'm so glad you have an appointment. I think it will be very good to have some professional help get through this. Make sure you let the counselor know about your lack of sleep issues and all the other ways this has been affecting you.

    Jabber you are so right about excersise and sleep. One of the main reasons I excersise is to help my body releive stress and it also helps us sleep better. It's just good for our overall health, physical and mental.

    I hope you both have a good nights sleep tonight.
     
  14. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    That's how our son is too, why do now what you can ignore and someone else will do later? He had a chance a few winters ago to make some money shoveling snow. I had shoveled our elderly neighbors drive after the previous snow fall and, against my wishes, she left a $20 and a twelve pack of soda on the back patio for us. I told him that they would probably have paid him $30 no problem if he had done it. He got a bit pissy that I didn't ask him to help but we all went on about our business. The next snow came and I reminded him. "I'm waiting for the snow to stop" was his mantra for the day. I went out and started shoveling our drive. I get most of the way done and notice one of the neighborhood kids walk onto their drive with a shovel and started in. Our son finally came out at around 4:00 or 4:30 as the other kid was finishing up. He was PISSED even though he had no right to be. If he had just got up when I told him to it would have been fine.
     
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  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    That sounds SOOOooo familiar about the car. And this: "But he wont stop hanging out with them because its better to have sucky friends than no friends, right? Personally, I'd rather be alone than call or hang out with someone I didn't trust but that's me."
     
  16. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    +1 for exercise and counseling. Moving is actually an antidepressant.
     
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  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    OMG. I just want to kill him sometimes. Today he's bored. His roommate moved back home. He has nothing to do. Tells me he'll be applying for this job in a few days. Why not now? Well its online. So go to the library. He has $10 in fines and no money. He can't do laundry. Hasn't for months. Why not? He can do it free at Salvation Army. "Well there's a very narrow window of time" when he can do it there...and everything is so far away and it takes HOURS to walk. Blah. Blah. Blah. I tell him about the guy on the news who walked over 20 miles to work and lived on 3 hours sleep for years. He asks what we're doing Easter, which is his birthday. I tell him going to church, because I have no choices whatsoever in my life, but I'd thought of seeing if he wanted to have dinner...(I'm sorry Jabber...we should have talked about it). He said he would and I left. ---After he said something about not having choices either and I pointed out all he has is choices!

    Before anyone says I did well...I was taking him some Ramen noodles because he's out of food again. Yeah, probably enabling.

    So, now I've cried in a parking lot and posted this. I need to go get my car inspected. No jeans. Ha! And is thought I couldn't feel worse before I went to the clothing store. :(

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  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    3 for Blood Pressure. 1 for acid reflux. 1 for potassium zapped by the B.P. medication. Lipitor. And 1 for a benign pituitary tumor.

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  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure and I wouldn't find this easy, but some of our younger kids do everything online: The internet is on his phone. He has a phone. He can apply today. I know my son does almost everything online. He has a computer (which I'm using now), but it is old and he never really touches it.
     
  20. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Most job applications are online now. And yes! He has a new smart phone so can do it from that. Maybe.
     
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