Rant! I am so tired of this - it all just seems so ridiculous

[Iamwipedouttoo]

I have completely had it with my 17 year old daughter. I honestly am having such a hard time when she just seems to go out of her way to not do what is requested then acts out when you confront her about it.

Good news is we finally got difficult child to take her medication. Only after, two weeks ago psychiatrist said that she would not be writing any more scripts for the adhd medications if she refused to take something to take down her irritability and take them as perscribed and dictated that since difficult child couldn't manage the medications herself (which is what difficult child said she needed to do to be able to take them) that she needed to come to me for them every day. psychiatrist was banking on the fact that difficult child notices the adhd medications work for her so she'd take the other medications just to get the stimulant. difficult child was NOT happy about this and spent the better part of the rest of that day sobbing that everyone was mean to her.

So, that worked. difficult child started taking Zoloft along with her vyvanse a week and a half ago with me giving them to her everyday. She isn't thrilled with having to come to me for medications but she's taking them.

She actually seemed (notice I said seemed) somewhat better since starting the zoloft but since she has only been taking the zoloft for a week or so I am on the fence that it has much to do with the change. Who knows.

Anyway, since we are on break from school, she has been taking her medications around 11/11:30 am. I have an issue with this since the stims can keep her up but I was fine with the lateness it as long as it was in the am. I was trying to be flexible since she was concerned that she wouldn't be able to sleep in during break. (yeah, I'm inflexible and mean. grrr)

She's asked to sleep at friends houses during the break and she had been pretty good about being home in the am when she slept at friends homes-Coming home when I wanted her to or at least calling me if she would be late so I could get her or bring her medications. I was very impressed with how much responsibility she had been showing.

I thought things were workign out pretty well and was estatic that she was doing her best to make some changes and being responsible. IT was almost like I had my daughter back.

So difficult child asked to sleep over a friends Wednesday night. I told her as long as she came for her medications around 10:30/11AM that was fine. At noon I am calling to find out where she is and was met with this is my break, I want to do what I want. I reminded her what the arrangment for sleepovers was and went to pick her up. On our way home, I told her that sleepovers were not going to continue to happen if she wasn't going to get home in the am. She wasn't happy. Said it was her break and she didn't want to have to be home in the AM to get medications. She was sleeping in if she wanted. I told her that she needed to take the medications as directed and needed to take them in the AM, I had been flexible about the time and I was sorry that it was interfering with her vacation but that it is what it is.

New Years Eve we discussed her taking her medications the following day since she was spending the night elsewhere (friend's lakehouse with parents). I told her that a little later was fine. She was home by 1PM to take them.

Friday night she spent at home. Got her medications at 11AM when she woke up.

Saturday she was out with friends in the afternoon. Later in the evening we went shopping, got take out and where home. At 9:30 she asked if it was okay if her friend came to pick her up so she could sleepover. I told her I was fine with it as long as she was home in the AM to get her medications. I didn't hesitate since she had been being responsible doing this.

I was taking my other daughter to hang out with friends in the AM so I got difficult child's medications together before I left so when she came they would be there for her. When I arrived home at 1:30 PM I was told that my husband didn't hear from her nor did she come home to take her medications!

So I call her at 1:45. She's at a restaurant eating with two friends of hers and was told she will be home when she is done. This is her vacation. She will do what she wants. She'll be home for the medications when she is done. She was rushing me off the phone when I started to explain it was important to me that she was home to take them since that was the arrangement we had made that allowed her to sleepover at her friends and ended up hanging up on me even after I reminded her not to.

Well, she arrives home at 2:15, no apologies, and asks where her medications were. I told her I put them away for now and that she needed to sit down so we could talk. Well, I was going to tell her that she wasn't allowed to stay at anyone's house the next time she wanted because she couldn't manage to get home when she was supposed to. And if it happened again we would have to talk to the psychiatrist who might choose to discontinue her medications if she refused to take them as directed. I was going to give her the medications after she was aware of her situation.

THAT didn't happen...

She said didn't want to sit down to talk and immediately ran up to her room grabbed something then took off slamming the door on her exit.

I am tired of the power struggle. I am tired of not being the parent here. I am tired of her dictating what she does and does not do.

After the initial frustration wore off I texted her to let her know that she did not have my permission to sleep at anyone's house tonight and I expected her to be home by curfew which was met with she was doing what she wanted. I told her her choices were hers but I still strongly urged her to come home.

I stopped texting her and immediately called her friends mom to let her know that difficult child didn't have my persmission to sleep at her house tonight and explained the situation. Friends mom said she is going to make sure she gets home tonight.

Maybe I am a horrible parent but I am tired of trying to be resonable on to be walked all over. I could have said no sleepovers at all. I could have demanded she take the medications earlier. I can certainly understand this is her break and she wants to have some freedoms but give me a break...she has been allowed to sleep over friend's houses as long as she comes home in the am before noon for medications. We've worked it out before when she couldn't get home (rides, etc.) when she calls. No phone call today. Why is this so &$%# hard?

So now I get to spend the night arguing with husband as to whether to call the police to report her if she doesn't come home and worry about how it will affect her probation (she is on probation for assaulting her father - gets off with having it removed from her record if she does community service and pays a fine by March). Then I get to dream up consequences that will only put us back to where we were a week and a half ago - her ticked off at me for stuff she brings on herself. I am so tired of this. It all just seems so ridiculous to me. I am pulling my hair out.

Husband thinks it is just an "fu" to me to let me know she's in charge. Therapist says I need to make sure I deliver consequences when she does this regardless. Friends mom says I need to understand that there may be other things going on that I am not aware of that could be responsible for her behavior (she's been having boyfriend troubles). For the love of all things, what in the world is the right thing to do?

I just don't get it. I am seriously feeling like I don't have the bandwidth for all this drama that just seems to completely ridiculous to me. How hard is it to make a phone call? How hard is it to do what I expect her to do? Seriously. I have about had it. All my compassion and understanding is slowly going out the window. Her father is already done with her bs. I feel like I am the only one she has left. I love her but how much is enough?

Frustrated.

 

[Wiped Out]

Wipedouttoo,
I can understand your frustration. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think you were in the right saying that there will be not be a sleepover the next time she asks. Wish I had a great idea on how to help. My has been a great one in the past for delaying taking her medications and would get upset when I asked that she took it before noon (for awhile she was on the same combo as your daughter-recently added a different AD and she isn't taking the Vyvanse anymore). For some reason she has been much more compliant lately but I haven't figured out why.

Just out of curiosity, is it necessary she take the Vyvanse while on break? I know my easy child didn't take it over breaks (when she was on it) and it was o.k. with her doctor.

 

[Iamwipedouttoo]

I will have to talk to psychiatrist about that before the next break!

difficult child just butt dialed me...lots of commotion so I called her back to make sure she was okay - she wasn't nasty! Ah the little miracles...now we'll see if she comes home tonight.

Rattle some beads so difficult child makes the right choice tonight and some for me so that I can make the right choices if she doesn't.

 

[susiestar]

When she didn't come home did you report her as a runaway to the police? It may be your only real option. Depends on what you are willing to remove in the way of extras/privilieges.

It can be VERY helpful to remember that while you ARE expected to support her until her 18th birthday you are NOT expected to support her in the manner in which she would like to be kept. You can choose the foods availiable, electronic media available, even types of clothing she has. With a 17yo it might or might not be worthwhile to start removing things like her bedroom door. Then again it might be.

in my opinion it would depend on a lot of things - grades, medications, drug and alcohol abuse, etc.....

Parents here have removed doors, locked doors with their children out of their rooms so the child cannot get her things, stopped keeping junk food in the home, taken away various media access, etc.....

Do to get is often one of the most helpful things you can do. If she wants something she must earn it BEFORE she gets it. Sleepover? How are chores? Car to drive? how are grades? Car insurance paid? How are grades? Door slamming? No door. (Privacy is NOT a right. This can punish a parent also.)

Some of it depends on what the absolute minimums you can stand are. It is different for each child and each family.

Sending hugs.

 

[Iamwipedouttoo]

At our therapists suggestion we removed all privileges a few months ago. In our daughter's case it took her a good two months to finally accept we were not kidding and to start working to earn priviledges back.

Our biggest problem with her I think is her impulsivity. She doesn't think about what reprecussions she is facing until after the fact and then gets mad at us for dishing out what we spelled out in the first place.

Anyway

She did eventually get home tonight. But only after her texting me with her demands (rides to work - which I agreed to but told her, as always, were totally dependant on her being respectful with no name calling or yelling). She decided she wasn't capable of that and told me she wasn't sleepign at home tonight regardless of what I wanted. I told her I was proud of her the past week or so and wondered what had changed today. She said she wanted to sleep in. I asked her why she just didn't call and she said she thought I'd be mad and she didn't want to deal with it.

I encouraged her to just come home for the night so we could move forward and put this behind us and she made it pretty clear that she had every intention to not do what I wanted.

Then she got to her friends house and was confronted with the fact that I had talked to the mom and deal with the consequences of her actions.

I'll spare you the details of the text message I got when she found that out. It was not pretty.

After some intervention on the part of her friends mom, she showed up, not happy. I told her I appreciated her making the decision to come home. She ignored me. Ran up to her room.

I texted her that I loved her and again told her i appreciated her coming home tonight.

All I know is I am so frustrated right now. Tomorrow is a new day, though, right?

 

[Farmwife]

I can understand the exhausted feeling that comes with a difficult child. They have a way of wearing us down until we can barely do day to day tasks forget about managing them. Something that helped me was finally recognizing that all parents of easy child teens have drama too. It's a tough age and a certain degree of chaos, moodiness and difficulties is actually quite normal. Doesn't make it more fun but it put it in a new perspective for me. I know families with easy child's who are worse off than my difficult child. Ironic...

My biggest concern with my almost 16 year old is his learning to manage his medications by himself before he gets to 18 and being on his own if he gets there. (I doubt it) All our work as parents goes down the tubes if they rebel and quit the medications as adults.

I know your difficult child would roll her eyes at the idea but why no sleep overs at your house? It sounds like you have a working relationship with her friends mother. Is there a way to enlist her help on this. All teens think their parents are uncool. Strangely enough most of my difficult child friends like me but he just can't stand having friends over. *shrug* Anyway, if she had what felt like some freedom and privacy with friends at home you could have her home already for the medications. Maybe bribe her with a pizza for her sleepover or give them a fun activity like stuff for manicures. (I hate to use the word bribe but sometimes rewards for good behavior help me)

I'm also trying to teach difficult child some basic logic. As an impulsive teen as well he gets himself into sticky situations without a thought. I just don't get how he does it. You mentioned difficult child boyfriend troubles. Is there any way you could mention in a non confrontational manner that difficult personalities, moodiness or acting out can send a boyfriend running for the hills? I don't want to set off any womens lib alarms, I'm just talking about teen level silliness and games that go on in both genders. Maybe she was edgy and has a way of torpedo-ing her relationships. boyfriend's and parents are a lot less tolerant of brattiness than friends are. It's easy to assume since friends approve that the parents and boyfriend are the ones with the problem. lol

I know my difficult child struggles with his diagnosis. It is such a rough age. He just wants to be normal, whatever that is. The diagnosis hurt his self esteem when it needed a boost. Just bad timing in life. Even if he refuses to admit it he is aware of his behavior sometimes and how it impacts him socially. Outside of and independant of the impossible task of keeping parents quiet (another lol) he also has to learn to accept the inevitable life struggles he knows are in store for him. Then as soon as he makes progress he gets distracted and we start over again. He is angry that he has a disorder. The process of acceptance is hard even for adults.

Changing medications is another nightmare. There is that glimmer of hope everything will improve and then out of the blue they start being snarling beasts again. It has a way of wearing a parent down. Take care of yourself first. If you are not feeling up to things they can smell it like sharks sensing blood in the water. I'm solving that on my end by starting a yoga class. I need the relaxation, the escape from home and most of all I deserve it. I deserve to not have my every "free" moment consumed by a difficult child who takes advantage of my kindness and grinds me into the ground. I deserve to be a squeaky wheel and a priority too!! I think they need to see that the world doesn't start and end with their wants. (final lol)

I know you were glad to get her home. I wanted to strangle my difficult child last night but he managed to pull it together at an outing he didn't deserve and came home human. I'm not sure I would have handled her demands as kindly as you did. It seems like something my difficult child does too. 1. Has a "fit". 2. Finds way to emotionally punish and tire parents out. 3.Use unfair upper hand to keep emotional hostage of family and demand things he doesn't deserve and didn't earn. Easy for me to point all that out. I must admit I cave too sometimes just to keep peace. Is it right? Is it fair? I don't know, don't think so. Sometimes we just do what we have to in order to get by. They say consistancy helps. I'll let you know how that works the first week I have the energy to chase a difficult child like a crazed toddler. *sigh*

These difficult child didn't come with instructions. Maybe decide and aim for what kind of relationship you want with her when she is 30. I know I wouldn't tolerate some of what difficult child does if he were and adult so I don't take it now. Being under 18 doesn't make the nastiness suddenly appropriate. All teens need to know that you can't treat people like dirt and think they will keep being okay with it. I set my own personal boundaries and limits and enforce them. That works with my toxic Mother and with my hard to love difficult child.