Re: Contract post...what if they aren't in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?

[hearts and roses]

I didn't want to highjack the other contract post. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions to put into a contract for a teen who is not coming back from Residential Treatment Center (RTC). When difficult child comes home, the plan is that we all sit together and come to agreements about certain things and I want it all in writing. I've done driving contracts with both my girls and thought I'd type something up along those lines - have us all sign it. I can be particular about what I want out of the living arrangement, but I'd love to hear some ideas that I may miss.

difficult child will be 18 by the time she comes home - she wants to come hom next weekend FOR her 18th, but we're resisting that. When she comes home I don't want to be a pita about curfews, but it is our house and H and I do have to get up in the morning and I don't want to be woken up late or worry all night. It's reasonable for me to expect a phone call by 11 PM if she's not coming home or will be later than 12 right? And, same thing if she's not coming home for dinner, right? And should I not do her laundry along with ours (it saves water and energy to do a large load than 3 small ones)? She will be required to get a job and contribute $100/mont towards her car insurance. Those are the easy things....my biggest fears are me freaking out inside when I know she's been drinking or hanging out with loser guys. I need to let that go, don't I? And what about counseling - can I make that a condition of coming home?

If anyone can suggest anything at all, please do. Thanks.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I would spend some time with husband before she gets home and decide with him what you guys feel is fair.

It is YOUR (plural, the two of you) house.

I would include a curfew or a phone call by a reasonable hour; that is very fair. A call if not coming home for dinner.

She is responsible for her own room, laundry, etc. Up to you if groceries is included in that or not.

Other household chores should be discussed. Every person in the house should pull their own weight.

She gets X time to get a job. You may say no going out until she is working.

She pays X for rent. Certainly you can put it into an account for her (don't tell her) to give her when she is ready to move out. You can choose for her to pay towards the insurance or pay all of it. If she is using your car, she should definitely keep gas in it.

Again, your house. You can make the conditions. You want her to be in counseling? Make it a condition. She doesn't go, she's out. Drinking and drugging. Very scary, very important, especially after her "I'm an alcoholic" stint. Make a rule. No drinking. No drugs. She's not old enough to drink. If she comes home under the influence, she is out. If you suspect it, test her. If she brings it in the house, call the cops.

It is your home and you have the right to keep it as you choose.

On a side note, think long and hard about this. Her pg scare is over. Her dad is enjoying having her there, and just bought her a bedroom set. She got a job there. Is there a hurry to bring her home?

 

[branbran]

I soon will be fretting about the very same thing. My 16 yo difficult child is in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and she just came home last weekend for the very first time in almost a year. The visit was awsome. She will be coming home for the weekend next week. She will be coming home for good in August 08. I worry alot about that. I'm so afraid she will regress to the old behaviors, staying out all night, getting high, hanging out with gang members, not to mention the horrors that occur in the house, violent episodes, the terrible cursing, throwing things, etc.... I actually feel guilty for enjoying the peace that is in my household now. I don't want to go back to the chaos, but I do expect it. I'm not counting on miracles, I do however hope that her behavior will have gotten better. She is doing really well right now, our first visit was unbelievable, she didn't even curse once!!!! For her that is a miracle. I too have to write up a contract for our home visits, and am also not sure what it should consist of. I'm guessing, curfew, basic household rules and household duties. For my difficult child it will be hard because she doesn't have friends, hasn't really had them her whole life, she really has trouble maintaining relationships with her peers. So how do I give her a curfew, I don't want her leaving my house at all. I know that is unrealistic, but when she was home she would walk the streets until she found someone to hang out with, usually drug dealers or gang members. I told her that she can only go out without a member of my family when she makes real friends, positive people to hang out with.

I too have a problem letting go, I'm so wrapped up in her life I don't know who I am anymore. It's tough for you because your daughter will be 18 so the rules change. You should definately make counseling a condition of her homecoming. That is what I fear, when my daughter turns 18 how do I get her to comply with her treatment ie, medication and therapy? I worry so much about that. So if you could actually make that a rule, go for it. I think household chores should be on the agenda, if they can be responsible in placement then they should take the same responsiblity at home. Sounds good right? Alot easier for me to type than to enforce in my home. lol When my daughter was home her room was a total disaster, shoot every room she went into she left a wreck. In her Residential Treatment Center (RTC), her room is immaculate, her therapist tells me she even color coordinates her clothes!!!! I thought she had the wrong kid in mind. Of course when she was here last weekend, I had to stay on top of her to clean up after herself. Aaah, the joys of motherhood.

Good luck with the contract and with the homecoming. Let us know how it goes. I would love any advise with regards to the contents of the contract, as I have no idea what to put in my own. :smile:

 

[branbran]

I'm sorry I misread your post, I thought she was coming home from an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I guess our situations aren't as similar as I thought. I'd still love to hear about the ideas you come up with for the contract. I might need to steal a few. Good luck.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ok my two cents and they arent worth that probably.

She is under age...tell her drinking is against the law. You wont condone it but if its that or drive drunk or ride with a drunk, call. Id rather have her alive than dead.

Drugs will be reported to the cops.

Curfew is a biggie. She is female. I may be more lenient with a boy but she isnt. Since she isnt working, she really needs to be home at a decent hour on week nights. There is nothing she needs to do after 11 that she cant do before 11. Even boarding houses have rules. Weekends I might extend the curfew to 1 on friday and saturday nights.

I would make sure she knows she is responsible for cleaning up after herself now. She has certain days to do her laundry. Give her two days a week. That is plenty of time to build up good sized loads.

Do charge her a fair rent, include her portion of insurance, cell phone, food, electric...etc. Now...you can put all but her car insurance aside in a little account that you dont tell her about named "move out money" to be given to her when she finally leaves the nest in a mature fashion.

Make sure you talk about if she is allowed to have people over when you are home...or not home. Phone privileges...how late? Cooking, snacking....whats off limits. Think of what problems were in the past.

 

[hearts and roses]

Oh thank you, thank you. I printed this out and use some things listed as my guideline. I am speaking with her dad today and I am telling him I'd like to stick to the end of the month date that we had originally agreed on. difficult child wants to come home earlier but she doesn't have her license anyway so I would be expected to drive her or she'd have her friends picking her up...not something I am ready for just yet. Also, H, exh, and I need time to go over what the contract will say. I don't think difficult child realizes that there will be strong conditions on her coming home and she needs to understand this. My H rolls his eyes when I mention anything of a talk or contract or agreement, etc. He thinks it's ridiculous and that we don't need to do that. In his words, "difficult child KNOWS the difference between right and wrong!! That is so stupid!!" But I know difficult child and if it's all down on paper, she will have a clear understanding of things...she won't be able to say later, "No, you said I could do this/that and...." you know? So, if I can't sit with H, I should just do it on my own, right?

I also don't want to fall into that trap of her bouncing between mine and exh's house, so I wanted to talk with exh about making sure that the same rules apply at his house. Not sure if that's going to fly since he recently told difficult child that if she and a couple of girlfriend's wanted to smoke pot in his house, he'd be okay with it. He further explained that while he won't smoke with her, he does smoke so he understands that he needs it to live life; otherwise he'd be a mess. So, not only do I not really want difficult child being under exh's supervision for an extended period of time (considering that eventually difficult child will find friends and if the pot smoking is permitted at his house, surely they will do just that!), but I don't want her thinking she can just bounce back and forth when things get tough. I know that exh will just tell her that she can always go to him if it stinks at home. I guess that's one of the things I have to let go of. I guess she's better off there than on the floor of a friend's home.

Thanks again. I will work on this tonight after I speak with H and exh. We need to have some ground rules and make a decision as to her paying rent, etc. I've never been a big advocate of charging rent, though my mom charged me and then used it for my first apt's security deposit and to buy me stuff for it as well. So, I see the point. The insurance money easy child paid went into a separate college account we had set up to cover move in costs when she went away. I suppose this would be a similar thing.

 

[mstang67chic]

I wasn't a difficult child but at one point I had moved out and then came back home. My parents had similar rules and I think they were fair.
Curfew - No curfew as I was over 18 but I was required to call before a certain time to let them know if I wasn't going to be home that night.

Rent - I don't recall the amount but I was required to pay so much rent as I was working. In my case I think it was a pretty small amount but it was more for the responsibility angle than anything.

Food - I was included in family meals and snacks but if I wanted anything above and beyond what was in the house, I bought it.

Phone - I paid for any long distance calls I made.

Laundry - I did my own unless mom offered to do some to make a full load and vice versa. I also helped out around the house; picking up, dishes and other house specific chores. (We heated soley with wood so some of the things I helped with were pretty specific to our household)

Vehicle - "My" vehicle was registered to my mom even though I was the only one who drove it. (POS that it was) I either helped with or fully paid my insurance/gas (don't quite remember on the insurance) But again, I was working and I had done that in high school anyway so it wasn't a big deal for me. Any repairs that were needed I either handled myself or my dad took care of and I paid for parts if needed.

Personal products/clothes - I was welcome to use whatever shampoo and/or soap that was in the house but by that time I had my own brand preferences so I usually just bought my own stuff. Same with clothes although mom would pick things up for me now and then if she happened across a deal. Otherwise I only got stuff for birthday and Christmas.

Basically I think that what has been mentioned is more than fair. Anything you will be asking of her is more for courtesy sake than "parental control". LIke someone said, it's YOUR house and there would be house rules for anyone living there, whether they be family or guests.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks for weighing in mstang. Your situation sounds very similar to mine at that age and that's basically all I expect from BOTH of my daughters. I don't really like the idea of a curfew either at 18, but I need to put a time on the call I must get if she's not coming home...so, we'll work that one out.

I have nervous energy. The house is clean and quiet (well, except for H buzz sawing in the upper addition), fridge is mostly full, I have a pie in the oven. I am really enjoying this.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Jo,
I think one of the most important things is that you put things in the contract that you feel you can actually carry through on if she violates them. Also, what is important to one person may not be to another so go by what you are comfortable with. If you don't really care about having a curfew then don't put it in there just because it seems like something you ought to care about. I have found that if I am doing things because it seems like what a parent should do I am not able to follow through when that time comes because they aren't things that actually matter to me--does this make any sense? I don't think I am explaining very well, hopefully you get it anyway!

I do know my dtr never cared about contracts--she just did whatever she wanted anyway--she would agree to anything, she just did what she wanted. Well, she no longer lives with me and never will again....

Jane