Re: Help I need help kicked my son out (Intro post)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 22moomm, Nov 30, 2011.

  1. 22moomm

    22moomm New Member

    new here, I went threw and got a restraining order on my son, I am broken hearted that my life has ended up in this mess. My son is 25 and was mentally abusing me and started to use his strength and body to intimadate me, I had kicked him out before and have always let him come home, I couldn't do it again, I believe my son to be using bath salts, I broke I couldn't take it anymore, I tryed to kick him out he would not leave, I had the police remove him,or as they told me strongly encouraged him to leave since they could not make him as this was his place of residence. The next day I went and got a restraining order. He now leaves next door with his elderly grandparents. I hate it, He still needs help. I asked the court that he go to anger management and test drug free they did request anger management but no time limit and placed a 5 year order on him, other then my husband and daughter the family on both sides blame me and I receive no support, I cry a lot and miss my son the old one who wasn't a drugged out mess. I am so glad I found your site to see other mom's have the same pain. My son does not shower regularly hates to change and wash his clothes and I hear the problem still excists but my mother in law tells me regular how wonderful he is, life truly sucks. Does anyone have any idea how to get through to him, he has had oppertunities to go to counseling but won't I feel so heart broken and like a rotten mom to have had to let it get to this extent
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Hi and welcome to the Board!

    I'm very proud of you for being so brave - what you did was not easy, it to tremendous courage and it sounds like you had absolutely NO support in defending yourself. For that I am very sorry. YOU HAVE EVER RIGHT TO BE SAFE and HAPPY in your own home!!!!! EVERY SINGLE RIGHT. No matter what anyone says - Be it your husband, your Mother in law - your other son, a neighbor, his Grandparents or even him - Abuse should NEVER be tolerated by ANYONE. Just beacause he is your child makes it NO LESS tolerable, or correct or OKAY. Abuse is ABUSE. PERIOD. And you do NOT have to take it.

    At 25? WHAT in the blue hades is he still doing living at home with Mom and Dad? (none of my buz) but seriously? He should be out looking for a job, gainfully employed or trying like the rest of the world - at the least hitting LABOR FORCE every day - unless he is disabled - and then? There are services for HIM that would put him in his own place, and hopefully training him at a skill so that when you and your husband are no longer living your son can support himself. You can't just think in the NOW - you have to think in the future - like what happens when he's 50 and you're dead? How is he going to support himself then? Grandma and Grandpa surely won't be alive then to take him in. So no one is doing him ANY favors by "helping" him now. You're going to end up with a 30 year old looser who can't get a job, or keep a bank account, or feed himself, and end up in prison because everyone wanted to HELP. ENABLE is more like it. FEEL SORRY for him because he has "problems". Well he's going to have WAY MORE PROBLEMS if everyone doesn't buck up and start tough loving this man soon - and ALLOW HIM TO HAVE THE LESSONS THAT LIFE NEEDS TO TEACH HIM. INSTEAD OF BABYING him - because he's going to behave like a 25 year old TODDLER if he does NOT GET his way and man-handle his Mother because he has a drug problem. Really - he put his hands on you - and now he gets to go live with your husbands parents? They supported you that much? Well done enabling grandparents. Teaching him a lot of lessons that will help him get a job, treat women right - be on his own -

    It may be time to face some cold hard facts in your life moomm. Some things that maybe you don't want to see, -possibly know but don't want to see. (I'm sorry you're crying here, but I've been there - and had to leave everything I worked my entire life for behind) IT was worth it....I have peace in my life....and all the THINGS I left ???? I eventually replaced. Got them all on my own too. Now I have people in my life that DO support me and would NEVER EVER think of allowing ANYONE to harm me. Touch a hair on my head now and see what certainly wouldn't be - "Oh come here to Grandmas." I promise you that - 20 years ago - ABSOLUTELY - I lived it. EXACTLY and it was a living hell. Now I wake up in the morning and look at my ceiling, listen to the quiet....and I think----I wish everyone could experience when I read about things like this? I tell them about it. I make no bones about How I feel....what you can's not that hard.

    What you have to know though? YOU can not fix ANYONE else in that family but YOURSELF. You can not change your son......your husband, your MOther in law, your Father in law - your daughter.... (I think I read all that right) ......and I'm hurt for you that they don't support your decision after the violence you suffered. YOU WERE RIGHT to do what you did....If you had that much courage........I would encourage you to call a domestic violence hot line in your area and TALK to them - it's one ever needs to know your name - they will listen, and give you good advice, encourage you to come in and meet with them. It's FREE....and no one ever has to know. I think it would help you tremendously to have someone face to face to talk to and KNOW that there ARE A LOT MORE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU and BELIEVE YOU DID THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING.....than you know.

    I went through 15 years of therapy ----twice a week to get my head screwed back on right - and I promise you some days I really didn't want to go - I actually went orignally to PROVE to everyone I didn't need to go that once HE was out of the house ---MY problems were OVER was all HIM.....and everyone else was probably right - I was wrong..

    I was wrong....It WAS me....and I needed help - lots of it.....and I got it, I got stronger, learned about myself, became empowered - and the more I did? The less everyone that tried to tell me I was wrong liked me - and the more I realized THEY were the ones that were wrong? The less I really wanted to be around them because what I realized is they really DID NOT care about ME after all - they just cared about NOT having a "problem" or an "Issue" or police around or wasn't ME they cared long as things went along tra la la.....and I kept my mouth shut? We all got along fine----me in my place. The minute I found my voice and had an opinion? Found out I had worth and started to voice that I WAS someone...and WOULD NOT be pushed.....or pounded on, and WOULD NOT stand for it....then I was trouble and no one wanted me and they tried to shut me up. But it was too late. I had already started down a path of self - awareness that said YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE....YOU ARE WORTH -----IMMEASURABLE VALUE.....and YOU HAVE GIFTS and TALENTS AND SKILLS and YOU ARE SOMEONE....and they can't turn that off.

    I don't know your family - I don't know you.....but I am saddened that you are crying and feel alone.....and I remember what that is like. But it does not have to be like that. I did most of my counseling in the early part of my time - in secret. No one knew for over a year. I learned about me, about them and made a plan and left. That was over 15 years ago - and I've never looked back, no regrets and I made something of myself and my life and I am at peace and happy. My son is trying (he's 21) because he saw my example and wanted peace in HIS life too. I can't make him do anything - but children do learn by example. At 25 - the choices in his life are HIS - you can't force him to do anything. BUT if he's around miserable people - and one person is happy? He may model his life after the happy one......eventually.....

    It's a thought.
    I wish you nothing but the best for you.......
    Hugs & love
  3. janie

    janie New Zealand

    Hi 22moomm,

    I know the pain you are going through.
    You have done the right thing - hard though it is.

    Star*s post is spot on :)

    I encourage you to keep going.

    "Kia Kaha" - this is a Maori phrase meaning "Be Strong"

    From Janie (in New Zealand)
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, there and welcome to the board.

    I agree with Star. At your son's age, why is he living at home? Regardless of what your family says (I would limit contact with them right now), any twenty-five year old who still lives at home with ME better be clean and sober, gainfully employed, paying rent, doing a lot of the chores and acting respectfully. I had to escort our daughter out of the house when she used drugs AND SHE QUIT! Not saying it's that simple, but she has told me many times that the easier I made it for her, the less incentive she would have had to face who she had become. She is 27 now, graduating college in a few weeks, living in a house she bought with her SO of eight years and doing GREAT. At one time I thought, "She will either end up in prison or dead."

    What can you do to make your son see the light? Nothing. You can't make him see the light. He has to come to t he conclusion that he hates his life and has to change. You can talk to him all day every day (and all night too) and he will not quit or even seek help until he is ready to do so. He is an adult now and you can not control what he does. You can only control your reaction to what he does. You can only make sure he does not ruin YOUR life and you can learn to detach from him and to focus your caring on those who are kind and loving toward you. You aren't helping him by giving him a warm place to go home to when he is abusive and self-destructive. Unfortunately, his grandparents are, but you can't control THEM either.

    Finally, I would go to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting to talk to people who have gone through what you are in real life. I found the groups both very helpful.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, and I understand. Most of us have been through this and we understand. And we care.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh i feel your pain and understand. Really the only way to get through to him is to let him him feel the pain and cosequences of his actions. You cant do anything else. Calling the police and getting the ro was absolutely the right thing to do. He needs to get the message that abuse of you will not be tolerated. If he is using drugs eventually others in his life will see what he is like and wont put up with it either. I hope you can find a good alanon group, it can help.

  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    22moomm so glad you found your way to these amazing people. Many of us do not live your story but do live life with kids who hurt us at times. I have no advice, not my area of experiece, but I do have a soft shoulder and support for you. I am glad hub and daughter have your back, sorry the rest of the family does not. I did have that experience, and it hurt.

    Keep safe and listen to these wise ones.....
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you found us too, you are not alone anymore. Read what Star said over and over. Mnay of us have had to put our difficult children out of the house. We kicked out our 19 yo difficult child last year a couple days after Christmas. It was horrible, it was cold and snowing and she had only the clothes on her back. We had found out the day before Christmas that she stole our easy child's credit card and got another tatoo. She was drinking and smoking pot every day 24/7. To make a long story short she ended up in rehab the summer of '10 and lived in a sober house for 6 months and is now living in an apartment with other sober people and has a job.

    Your son will not get help until the pain of staying the same becomes too great. Your in-laws think they are helping him but they aren't. They do it out of love. They can't bear to think of him on the street or worse. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. And come here and read and listen and share.

  8. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Welcome! You are not a rotten mom! You did the right thing. I am glad you found this site. Coming here has helped me tremendously. Everyone is so helpful and supportive.
  9. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    You're absolutely not alone. I kicked out my 18 year old almost 2 months ago now, and also became the "bad mom" and target of everyone's anger and codependency. He's living 300 miles away with his father now, and I had to block all contact with him after increasingly hostile communication from him. And, yes, the cops were involved too, although I didn't get a restraining order (he left the area before it became necessary, but it was my next step if he escalated).

    Lots of hugs and support to you. As others have said, you absolutely deserve and require to be safe in your own home. At 25, he does not need to be living with his mom and doing drugs while you completely subsidize him. Seriously. Hang in there, and don't cave in to pressure from family. As long as you're his punching bag and bank account, nobody else has to be, so they are invested in keeping him with you rather than in following your lead and giving him consequences for his actions. Focus on your own needs now, including therapy. Being physically threatened is not trivial, and can have long-lasting effects in terms of anxiety and stress, especially since he is living right next door!
  10. 22moomm

    22moomm New Member

    Thank you everyone, your words of encouragement help, I guess I need to straighten out a few thing, First my son was not physical just intimidating and mentally abusive. Second he still lived at home because I wanted him to at the beginning, I am 46 at the age of 36 I had a stroke, to make a long story short I have lupus and have lost my perefreal vision so I can no longer drive. I loved my kids around we spent a lot of time together, I was afraid if I kicked my son out he would end up dead on a street corner. Stupid me I know but I can't go back. To get a ride to Alon will be hard and I do see a shrink from time to time and she has also said I am brave and stay strong, she knows my family and had counciled my son when he was younger, I have tried to get him to see her again but he has no showed the appointment so it is all up to him now. I looked on line for a group since I can do that at least for support so thank you all for being so welcoming. I am having a really hard day today, your 19 year old daughter and best friend is leaving in 2 weeks to an out of state job, exciting and good for her but I feel my life and world becoming smaller, I know to put it on my daughter is wrong she needs to spread her wings. She is going to be a live in nanny in sunny Flordia about 5 minutes from the beach. My husband knows Im devasted but he works crazy hours and well I will be alone alot more. It totally sucks but God will not give me more than I can handle I just may not like what he gives. thank you all!!
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    22moomm, I also think you did the right thing. My youngest son is 25 and we had to put him out in 2008. That was right before I ended up with meningitis and almost died so I can relate to your health issues. He has returned one time for a period of time but he wont be returning again because it just doesnt work.

    Our son was also verbally aggressive though he would never lay a hand or attempt to block or touch us. Just lots of screaming going on. Putting my son out made him grow up. He is doing much better now. He just had a baby girl in September. His second.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Lupus IS painful. Being nearly blind? Is debilitating. Having a 52 year old son, that doesn't work, with his (untold number) pregnant girlfriend (both on drugs) unable to support himself that comes home in the middle of the night and begs his Mother to let them use her vehicle to go BACK to the bar in a threatening tone because she's continually ENABLED her children all her life due to HER health situation and fear of being ALONE? Not so good. When the son and his girlfriend grabbed the keys and went out to her van and took it anyway - and she stood behind it to STOP them from driving drunk yet again in HER car - yet again? They ran her over and drug her about 1/4 of a mile down the road and she died about a week later.
    The other son - my x? Was in jail, so messed up on drugs he didn't even know his Mother had been killed by his brother and girlfriend. But as a favor to their Mother (her dying wish) they let him out and instead of hanging around the funeral home he went and got high and nearly missed the funeral. Gosh - what a winner. The other siblings fought so badly at the funeral people left. Her Grandchildren fought over what little possessions she did have...and they actually FOUGHT over the van that killed her.

    Her biggest fear? Being alone, and not having her son ever get well. Twenty years ago I begged her to STOP meddling in his life - (my x) SHE refused. She knew how to manipulate EVERYONE. She would go to a therapist once in a while, and had ALL THE ANSWERS. She felt SORRY for her sons and did EVERYTHING for them to bail their butts out of trouble. Her x husband to this day won't talk to his sons. Has very little to do with the others. My point in all of this to you? She was so worried about being alone, and scaring off her kids - and in the end? She did NOT do any of them any favors. They are ALL still miserable drunks that can NOT keep a job - are in and out of jail constantly in their mid to late 5o's....have absolutely NO money and at what point do you tell a man to grow up and be responsible for HIMSELF????? At what point do you say - I will be okay on my own.....go live your life? She was lonely, and sick, and for that? She could have gotten Medicare to get her a nurse or help or whatever. She needed to LET HIM and her other kids - go live their lives and figure out for herself how to live hers the best way she could,and hope they get help.

    As far as the abuse? No.....don't EVEN try to tell me that BECAUSE he ONLY......mentally abuses you it's NOT AS BAD either. I don't have to have a broken bone or a busted jaw to be a victim and NEED COUNSELING. If you are suffering in a house where people are allowing this to happen to you and you are accepting this? THEN YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY....and get help. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE ON ANY LEVEL FOR ANY REASON....You don't like hearing it....and the next step IS being physical. Then what? No one WANTS to think about it...or HOPE for it - but it can happen. You need help for YOU......and as far as a ride??? Well - Medicaid and Medicare SHOULD offer cab service and some sort of van service for you - you'll have to call and check what's available in your area. I know most areas for people TO and FROM most cities. Medicaid offered it here. And if you start calling social services and TELL them? Well - all you can do is call - and as far as CALLING? The domestic violence people are NOT just for people that are BEATEN.......they are there ON THE PHONE......for people that are mentally and verbally abused too. THAT IS YOU- NO CAR REQUIRED.

    THESE are....very hard words to swallow - but there is no sugar coating anything I have to say. I have no back door neighbor softy policy when it comes to helping in these situations......and you ARE in a situation like this. Plain and simple - nothing ANYONE wants to hear - I certainly didn't.....Lord knows...I wasn't "abused" or tortured, or a battered wife....those people were stupid. Well the dumb thing about it would have been to refuse to listen and NOT get help and continue to live like that. In chaos, in turmoil, in tears....miserable.....crying all the time....and NOT taking advantage of the advice that put me within reach of knowing I AM worthy and I CAN feel better, BE healthier.....mentally and physically. Your Lupus? May even take a backseat once your stress goes down. I lost an Aunt to Lupus and am on watch myself for it. So far - so good......nothing showing up.....I do feel for you moomm......I really really do. And I get where you are coming from - a LOT of us do......really really.

    It's okay some just stinks to be you....and then you meet us and your days start to get a little better, and you get a little less angry about taking the advice....and you feel a twinge happier....and things don't seem so hopeless....and knowing you have support and that you are not really nuts helps a lot.

    Hugs & Love .....
  13. 22moomm

    22moomm New Member

    Thank you for the encouragement and your words are not harsh they are the truth and somewhere deep inside I know it because I did go through with the restraining order as hard as it was to do, I don't want the ride to be and issue so that is why I looked online, I am going to talk to my husband about getting me to a couple of meetings and I think then I will be able to find someone willing to drive, I am sure of it. Thank you this site has helped at least I know I'm not alone. My mother in law took me to dinner last night and she is starting to see some of the things I went through with the clothes the showers and such so hopefully she will also get smart and make him get the help he needs (kicking him out and making him stand on his own two feet) Her problem is my father in law is 86 and my son has helped her with house and yard work. It will come to light he can't change until he gets help or wants help I realize that, it is just somedays it is so hard to see the baby you tried so hard to raise right go so wrong as I think you know thank you again
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911


    You are never alone anytime.......about anything. YOU ARE A BRAVE WOMAN......and SMART.......and COURAGEOUS.....and despite the fact that we are not there with you physically? When you feel alone? Think of us there standing behind you like a possee to give you strength. A band of angels if you will. It's what I do when I feel all alone and suprisingly it helps.

    There are none of us here that haven't gone through something - horrible. If I ever told my story (and I may write it someday) I'm not sure if I'd have to include string in the book so people could tie their mouths back up from dropping. TO know me now and know what I endured - and accepted then? And what I will and won't tolerate now? TWO TOTALLY different women. Completely different outlook on life, myself and helping others. My entire life I was bullied.....picked on, put down...and then I got into a marriage that was abusive beyond description, and therapy. Some of it I never could unlock - it's just that bad. But fifteen years of therapy later? I'm a better person for it and when I see ANYONE (not just you) anyone - (ask em here - I'm pretty bold in public) women, men, kids....dogs, animals......I WILL say what is right if someone is not being treated properly. Especially if they think or have people around them telling them "You're a troublemaker, you should just be quiet, or look what you did now by standing up for yourself." - I'll tell you a good one - Have your Mother in Law beat you for having your husband (her son) beat you for trying to stick up for yourself and making him angry and telling her about it. Try that one on for size.....I know what I'm talking about. And then....wait until the sister found about the fact that I got the Mother upset and she tried to beat me up too. Yeah talk about a whipping boy....Then run away? And have them all hunt you down like a deer in the woods, drag you back and threaten you. (I laugh now) but what a mess. Sound extreme? Happens EVERY DAY.....Sound SO MUCH MORE EXTREME than your world? How much more? Think about it....only on a verbal level. Now you know why I say - VERBAL and mental violence ARE abuse...and you don't need to suffer any of it. You don't need to wait UNTIL someone "sees" what you've been suffereing through - They may NEVER fully understand how YOU've felt because they haven't had years of it.

    Just saying......I'm strong for ya sister.......And I'm not taking any excuses from ya either. ;-) Hard to get that someone you never met, probably never WILL meet can care about you so much - but I do -----and Im so very glad that you found us and are a part of THIS family. We get it......really - we do.

    Hugs & Love
  15. 22moomm

    22moomm New Member

    Star, THANK YOU!, I am just realizing since I stuck up for myself with my son how abused I was as a child, I grew up with verbaly abusive parents and you are right abuse is abuse, I am starting to be strong and stick up for myself, what ever I did growing up was never good enough, still is with my dad today, I lost my mom to cancer 4 years ago and her and I came to an understanding to agree not to agree on life. She always was the peace maker, the person who said you just have to accept dad, well she is probably surprise if she see's but I'm not accepting his **** either, my oldest brother and his family no longer communicate with my dad, and if by chance they see him around you can bet the next day or hours later, dad will send off his nasty email to put them down. I have learned I delete before I even read them. I can't even imagine what your life was like , I am so glad you have found the strength to become strong, it's hard, somehow it is easier at the time to be the whipping boy but in the end, my house is calmer, nicer and I am functioning better day to day, I have to remind myself of that when I feel down. My daughter is going to live out of state, she also has a restaining order on her brother, she has written him to see if he would meet her at the shrinks before she goes, his anwser to his brother an my husband was no way, I told her to leave knowing she tried and he is still sick . Thank you!!! (does this thing have spell check?)
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I dybt== woriqyq about speeellll chick. lol. But I think it does.

    When I started therapy? I actually went to PROVE to my girlfriend that IF the person that ABUSED me was out of my life - I no longer had A PROBLEM. Remove the problem - problem gone. Simply put - she was the idiot and I just was exhasperated to the point (hang on dog whining so badly I need to get him a bone) SO she took me and opened the door I got out, she got back in and locked the door and said - YOU BETTER go in, it's a 50 mile walk home. I was FURIOUS. I went in.....and ended up talking about junk for an HOUR and 15-30 minutes. Slap me silly...OMG who needs therapy when you can talk like that right> Sigh.....SO I started going BEFORE I got divorced. I lied and said I was playing pool. I went for a year to get the courage and knowledge I needed to leave a hideously abusive marriage. When I had the "smarts" and the PLAN to do so? I put things in motion, had myself in order and left. I went into hiding for nearly 13 years. Long story ......interesting I guess, scary....but I overcame not just survived.

    I kinda drifted from one therapist to another for a while because they QUIT......OMG I thought it was story....and yeah it's wild...and almost non-believable. But it's them - they burn out, and we didn't see eye to eye or Id idn't agree with the thought process or the faith background. I finally found this last guy and saw him for about 7 years. My entire family did actually. We went twice a week and son went once. What I learned from him was that things can happen to you in your absolute BEGINNING of life that you store in your mind and you are not conscious about......smells, sights, sounds, all your senses store things in your brain.....all the time - and you aren't even aware. That's why - you smell a smell and you say OMG that is like my old Grade takes you back. Same with BAD things......bad memories..they're all stored just like a digital camera in your mind. RECALL is hell. SO when you've had enough-----all this stuff that you "STUFF" and keep locked up - finally has to come out somewhere and BLAMO.......RAGE, CRY, EXPLOSION...and you're body has had SO MUCH stress that you just go koo koo and your family is like - WHAT THE??????? THen you look like a nutt.......and instead of dealing with issues......YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT from early on to stiffle, shut up, stuff it.....and what's happening now is that your storage unit (your brain) is FULL TO CAPACITY......

    WHat a therapist does is helps you go through your mental storage unit and get rid of the bad junk files.......shred a lot of the ****.......and replace those memories with WHY's of YOU WERE TOO LITTLE TO DEAL with it and YOU HAD NO CONTROL over it's. But you can't do that on your takes a professional. It really really does and IT TAKES TIME......but you need to DO get THROUGH IT.....and stand strong in the face of the junk that your going to go through with your son, your in laws and the people in your life that are NOT going to be able to support you - YOU HAVE THE ABILITY INSIDE YOURSELF TO SUPPORT YOURSELF AND STAND ALONE (actually you are never alone)'s there. You just need to have it pulled out .......with help. ANd know thinks and belive things like - OMG I am smart, I am beautiful....I am intelligent, I can do this and that......and I don't and will NOT take YOUR **** and I am sorry that you are miserable but I am not a fixer or problem solver. AND you will learn over again how to be compassionte.

    Trust that.......

    Hugs & Love
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member

    dont worry about spell check. I am picky about my spelling in reports and formal letters, here I love the people listen to WHAT we say, not how we say it. You are doing fine. you have been through so much and look how you are doing ! I know it is tough, but wow, you are hanging in there... keep posting, keep reaching out. You do know, dont you, that when you do this, it actually not only helps yourself, but you make it so others can move forward. It is great to have another sister on the board.
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    star, I wonder if there is a market for an online counseling center? (I know, can hear the liability lawyers now, but....) Know what I mean??? I think, skype or online would be an amazing way for someone like you...maybe call it a life coach instead... could really help people. But of course you have to stay here as a CD sister (to the cd brothers too). Here you get us as we get
  19. DrPepper

    DrPepper New Member

    moom, you've answered my question as to whether if I got sick or had some sort of illness if my difficult child would suddenly and miraculously stop thinking about himself as the center of the universe for one second and be concerned with me, his mom, who has always been there for him. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, but my mind wonders what might trigger my son's immature mind into a mature young man, capable of caring for someone other than himself. If I was dying of cancer, would he come around??

    I'm sorry that you are struggling and that your daughter is moving away. My daughter moved out of state a couple of years ago. She's doing great, but I sure do miss her. You will too, but you'll find satisfaction in knowing that she can take care of herself and that you've done a good job as a parent to make this happen. Scary as it is to have them leave the nest, so it is inevitable. Also, where they live can become nice destination spots!

    As for your son, you see on TV these sons who are devoted to their moms. What magic do these moms possess to garner so much devotion? Grown kids mentally abusing their mom? So wrong and I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. You always think that loving your kids will be enough for them to turn into good people and law abiding citizens, but not always the case. Sometimes love is not enough.

    Take care,
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Just FYI -

    When my arrested and was going to be charged with 30 years in prison at age 15 -16? I had a literal stroke. Thought it was a heart attack, but nope....only a stroke. I ended up in the ER for the night and was released the same night with a script of Atavan and ADs. I couldn't go to the Department of Juvenile Justice to see my son, but DF went and when he came into the visitation room (with the vending machines) to see "us" and only saw DF? He said "Where is Mom?" DF sat him down and explained that his actions and his behaviors had taken it's toll on me and I had a stroke, was in the hospital and could not make it. Dude looked at DF and said in a casual tone "Is she alright?" and DF said "She is for now." and before there could be any more explaination......the next breath DUde said "Could I have some money for the snack machine - they dont feed us well back there."

    THAT told me a LOT about introspective thinking on the part of a difficult child....

    AND as I say - LIFE goes on......whether it's yours or theirs. Don't take it personally. It's just who they are.

    You can't MAKE them feel things they don't. But you CAN allow them to let life KNOCK them with the lessons that you WISH they had....and maybe just maybe will mean something if they get the full force of a life hurricane.