Reaching out this evening......difficult child on social network

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by BKS, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Hi,

    My difficult child posts on a social website and I checked in this evening anonymously. All VERY depressing. He is 19 years old and sitting with a bottle of Whiskey and a friend in the friends house, where he is now staying. The friend is living with an alcoholic sister (age 28) and one parent, who sells drugs. To see the family on the street you would never suspect since they look so clean cut and attractive. My difficult child's friend has even modeled.

    My husband and I rarely, if at all, drink and I see our son blossoming into an alcoholic. I suppose my mistake is even checking the site to begin with. When I first discovered it, it was a bit of reassurance that he was okay and had a roof over his head. Now what I see makes me ill.

    Anyone else still check the social websites? Or am I just torturing myself.......I don't know what I think I will see that will make me happy....

    Thanks for listening,
    BKS
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi BKS, don't judge yourself for doing what I have read on this board many, many times............parents check on FB and cell phones and whatever they can get their hands on to make sure their kids are safe. I think it's a natural response to the unnatural set of circumstances we find ourselves in.

    Perhaps it could be said, that it can inflict pain in the actual knowing of what they are up to, yet at the same time, it allows us to sleep, to know they're safe, they have a roof over their heads, they're eating, they're okay. I just don't think there are any 'rules' in the world in which we live, it's a sort of free for all where we do the best we can to stay sane under extraordinary circumstances................you may decide to check on FB one day, and then not for awhile. I guess it's all a part of detaching, like a rubber band we fly ahead and back and sideways trying to negotiate this territory and do it right. But, there just 'ain't' no right or wrong here, we just do the best we can.
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yes i check my sons FB page regularly...and at times it has horrified me and at other times it has given me a sense of relief. It is and has been my window into what is going on with him. Now that he is completely on his own, travelling around with no address and no phone it is my one means of communication with him. We are now "friends" and we will private message each other...so at least we are communicating.

    It is hard to see the crazy bad stuff....and if you need to not look for your own peace of mind that is fine...and if you need to check just to know he is alive that is ok too.

    TL
     
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    For sure!! Though my difficult children page is private now so I can't see anything. That helps. I am definitely one to check cellphone usage - all the time! It is obsessive, but not good for detaching.....
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I check also. I'm a lot better than I was. I still check cellphone records when I worry if I haven't heard from her for awhile. We are facebook friends so I can see her profile but she doesn't use it much because she has no computer and can only do some things with her cell. I too think soemtimes it makes us feel better knowing they are alive. There have been times in the past that it hurt more than it helped and during those times I tried to detach more. I have asked her not to post some of the things she was posting and tried to explain the ramifications of putting some of those things out in the public. She has been better about it.

    Nancy
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I check also. I'm a lot better than I was. I still check cellphone records when I worry if I haven't heard from her for awhile. We are facebook friends so I can see her profile but she doesn't use it much because she has no computer and can only do some things with her cell. I too think soemtimes it makes us feel better knowing they are alive. There have been times in the past that it hurt more than it helped and during those times I tried to detach more. I have asked her not to post some of the things she was posting and tried to explain the ramifications of putting some of those things out in the public. She has been better about it.

    Nancy
     
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    My difficult child lives with me, and I still check. I do it for a variety of reasons, and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. The difference is that, in time and with hard work, you will learn to recognize what you cannot control. This is an ongoing process, to be certain.
    Dash
     
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I gave up a while ago trying to explain the ramifications of posting stupid things on your FB page... it was pointless and would only make him unfriend me. So I say nothing about that and try to be very neutral or even supportive if i say anything.
     
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child deactivated her fb account today. I asked her who she was hiding from and she said noone, it was getting annoying. I'm sure she's hiding from someone.
     
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    My niece stopped hers too ....I think because too many adults see her posts but mostly because they use twitter more and dont think FB is cool. She freely admits that most of her friends know that not as many parents use twitter. Sigh
     
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I also do check FB and Twitter and also phone records but them more to see if there is anything that would hint gambling. If something would happen to him, I would be notified so I don't really need to check to know he is alive. His FB is private, but I'm his friend so I see some. He does have almost thousand friends and I do believe he is using different categories so I'm probably out from some postings because what he does post is mostly quite appropriate. Of course his situation is bit unique and he has been taught about social media also by his team, his agent etc. so he is more careful than most kids. His social skills defects are showing also in social media, but he does get clear cut appropriate/inappropriate/get you deep into trouble-rules. With Twitter he is very careful, it certainly helped him to understand possible consequences then from his ten first followers more than half were sport reporters and there was also his team's fanclub and team's official Twitter account among the first ones. Even from his Twitter you notice he is not socially skilled, but again he does have sense to avoid anything controversial on it.
     
  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    One of the problems is you never know if what they say is the truth....or a crazy mixed up lie.

    however, i check too. I just try to stay calm if it is bad cause you never really know with these kids.
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AG, you are definitely right. Kids can put stuff up to safe face with their friends. If all your friends are druggies and they are the group who are taking you in, who wants to be the stuffed shirt who sits there and not doing anything. No one.
     
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Nancy- she may have blocked you. been there done that. That's why I am trying to creat a faux college student on FB and hoping to get some 18-21 FB friends and eventually friend difficult child as my 19 yo alter ego/alias
     
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sig I thought so too but I had other people check for me and her fb was down. She was hiding from someone. She's back up now.
     
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