reaching out

[Cassie423]

First I should tell you about myself. I am 32 single mom. I have 3 children. My middle child was always unusual. She is extremely bright, she taught herself how to read and basic math by the time she was 4. She scores of the charts. Since she was a baby she is very scheduled, setting a schedule she maintained for months the first day home from the hospital. She was always easily upset and very aggressive. Her sister was always being bit, and my daughters tantrums a bit more intense then normal, but I always thought she was grow out of them. She is now 9, yesterday was one of the worse episodes since she was born. She screamed, kicked threw whatever she could get her hands on, and repeated to me that she couldn't calm down. Breathing and counting, playing the piano all didn't work for about 4 hours. She finally calmed down but was easily escalated again, it was like walking on egg shells.
I had her in counseling, and have made an appointment to get her back into the clinic. But in the meantime what do I do? I feel lost, like a failure as a parent.
Some background her father has ADHD, and I have been diagnosed as depressed but it was the situation. My father was an extreme alcoholic and drug user and I know he had some undiagnosed mental health issues causing the substance abuse.
I hope you guys can give me some insight!

 

[Bunny]

I'm glad that you found us, but I'm sorry that you needed to. I can totally relate to how your daughter was once she calmed down. My son can be the same way. He will calm down, but some teeny tiny thing will happen and it will ramp him up all over again. It's exhausting, and very depressing.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT a failure. I think that almost all of here have felt that way at one time or another, but the honest truth is that your daughter, for whatever reason, is just wired differently and needs to be parented differently. The big question is what is going on with her and why is she wired differently?

You said that you were trying to get her back into the clinic. Has she been evaluated there? Does she see a therapist? A psychiatrist? Has she ever been diagnosed with anything? She needs to be evaluated by someone who can figure out what is going on and can give you some direction to help her with coping.

 

[BusynMember]

I just woke up so I'm still tired, but look up Asperger's Syndrome. She has a lot of red flags for that. I'd take her to a neuropsychologist for a complete evaluation.

Welcome, but sorry you had to come.

 

[Cassie423]

Thank you for your insight as parents. When I took her to be seen they started asking questions associated with an aspergers. I didn't like the fact they wanted to jump right to a diagnosis without finding out more about my daughter. They did a Tovan(??-It was a year ago) which places her with characteristics similar to a person with ADD -- But unable to diagnosis that without medication.
She hasn't had many problems in school and the problems she does have can be associated with boredom, and when she appears not to be paying attention she is and can repeat what is said ver betum(sp?).
We were at the point that we would go in and see the psychiatrist then my car broke down, and there was no way to get her to the center so I stopped therapy for a while.
She is far worse when she gets home after a bad day at school, she will be fine in school and lets loose at home. And she is worse when she goes to her father's house but not bad at her father's house. I don't know if it is normal for the behaviors to be worse at home?

 

[BusynMember]

difficult children don't follow any pattern. My son, who is on the spectrum, was worse at home because school is so structured plus he is high functioning enough not to want to act up in front of other kids. At home, when we had to interrupt his routine a lot and take him to stimulating places (like shopping) he was much worse. The fact that she has to go from your house to Dad's house is also upsetting her comfort zone and perhaps his house is more chaotic than yours. Routine, routine, routine...it's what t hey crave an d makes your life easier too!

 

[Bunny]

My son's behaviors have ALWAYS been worse at home than at school. His teachers have no clue what we are dealing with here. I've been told it's because a school day has much more structure to it than does his time spent at home. Plus, he doesn't want the other kids to see him throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown, which would mark him for teasing or bullying, so he holds it all together and falls apart in my doorway.

It's better now, with medications and some maturity helping along the way, but it will never be perfect.

 

[Dixies_fire]

In a similar situation to you, personally if I was you and virtually I am you. I would read about girls with aspergers there Are several helpful resources that spoke so strongly to me that I identified with them not just for my daughter but myself.
I would request the evaluation, I understand not wanting to take a word from someone who has barely spoken to your daughter as three people have tried to tell me my daughter has ADHD, and I don't really think she does and they spoke with her for less then 20 minutes each time.

Welcome to the board

 

[lovelyboy]

I am not going to analize to much...just say what works sometimes for us when my son behaves like your daughter....
If he is so very upset I try to make less eye contact....not react on his behaviour.....Not react on things he says that tries to provoke me.....I sometimes will tell him that I can see he is very upset so I am disengaging for a while.
I will give him some space.
Ok....If this doesnt work, sometimes what works is to ask him if he wants to snuggle up and watch a movie with me....then I make sure the sound is not to loud, turn the lights low and give him a big warm blanket(this is part of sensory modulation)....
Also make sure she isnt hungry...this is a big trigger in our house....make sure she is warm or cold enough....
Start talking in a monotone voice....no high pitches....Keep sentences short....Ask if she needs a hug or want no touching...and respect that.
Sometimes with my son a dark bathroom with candles helps to calm him.... I will sit down and talk to him(while he is in the bath) and try and find out what happened in his day and work through feelings and misunderstandings....
Sometimes they also become like this when they are anxious about a change that needs to happen or something coming up.....

My son has very mild Aspergers.....And this causes him alot of misinterpretation of his world causing anxiety leading to meltdowns....