Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) rears it's very ugly head with both

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jul 29, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    tweedles dee & dum in a new & exciting form. Least of which the tweedles are sharing with anyone who will listen that I'm dying; plenty of attention, sympathy & you poor little one's coming their way.

    kt has shared various & sundry ideas with day treatment staff, school staff & respite staff, that if each of these individuals didn't know us so well - let's just say husband & I would be in jail tonight.

    wm, on the other hand, has informed everyone in his life, that he hasn't had the family kt & wm b/day party - more pity parties. More questions from wm on the "fine definition" of abuse & neglect. I guess he's loading his imaginary gun. AND he shouldn't owe us half the money for his glasses because he hadn't gotten our birthday gift to him yet. I guess it's a stand off - or hey, how about this? A matter of more appropriate timing?

    If we were unknowns in the community & amoung our team husband & I would be fried. Now, it's just blatantly annoying. Things like staffing, appropriate days off, a little thing like my walking??? Not much to ask for.

    psychiatrist feels kt should be in another placement (hey, what's one more?), so my medications can kick in & I get a good start on getting better. The team is behind this - heck tonight I'm behind this plan. The cruel bitter morning light may change my thinking.

    My children are the most selfish creatures. They must never reproduce.
     
  2. blb

    blb New Member

    Oh Linda,

    Just what you need to complete the week, huh? :hammer:

    Look at it this way, they each could have a great future as fiction writers, heck, screenplays even, can't you just hear them pitching a story to a willing producer?? :hypnosis:

    Do you think the staffing team would get a kick out of you piping up at the next meeting, "...reports of my death are greatly exaggerated," a la Twain.

    Sorry you have to go through this. At least I think your sense of humor is still intact, it is still intact isn't it??? :rofl:
     
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    difficult children just seem to know how to kick hard when your down. I think they smell the weakness. Sorry yours are acting up. Glad you're well known.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I'm ao sorry Linda. The Tweedles both seem to be trying to hurt you in the most effective manner. It really stinks.

    Thankfully you DO live in a community where the difficult child antics are well known, as are you and husband.

    I think our kids are like lions with a herd of antelope. They strike out hardest at the weak one. As soon as a :warrior: warrior mom gets a chink in the armor the little jerks hit as hard as they can.

    I hope that detachment can help you through these troubled times.

    Hugs,
    Susie
     
  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Linda it does seem like they know where to hit where it hurts.... they think they are playing the game still. I can't imagine "keeping my cool" in your situation.

    As if you don't have enough going on... I admire your calm. Keep up your strength.
     
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    blb, my humor is still intact - may be a bit battered but it's there. :crazy2:

    Thank you ladies - I've been grateful after last week, that I've worked so hard to pull a treatment team together & negotiated & in turn, have made a reputation that is squeaky clean & above board with my children.

    Just don't get this - "let's kick mom when she's down" mentality. Never will. Wasn't raised this way; worked hard to teach & model empathy & caring with kt & wm for 6 years now.

    Ah well, blb - a fiction writer can make a good living with the right storyline.

    These children will never get a power of attorney over any medical or financial situation. EVER!

    Thanks for letting me get that out of my system. :kisses:
     
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Linda,
    Thank goodness there are people in the know with the tweedles. I'm sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else.
     
  8. lynnp

    lynnp New Member

    BEFORE we got our kids I really believed that the best thing you could do as a parent was be a good role model. Be empathic, help others, read books...blah, blah, blah. Imagine my surprise when I discoverd that some kids just can "see" what a role model looks like and couldn't even define what one is!!! UGH! Good, good luck.
     
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Gosh, I really feel for everyone involved. I can't imagine being kt and wm with all of their issues - suddenly finding out that their mom is sick. It must fuel all of their worst nightmares - which evidently have taken taken on a life of their own when the 2 of them are awake.

    My son has huge abandonment issues, and even me going to a dr appointment, let alone having a serious illness sends him into a huge panic. He becomes sure that I will die, despite continuous reassurance, even if I am just at a routine checkup. When I have been seriously ill, in the hospital, he is racked with nightmares of what he feels is my imminent death. It is very hard to deal with, and he has not endured even a small iota of what kt and wm have gone through. I can only imagine what deep seeded, phobic fears are rearing their ugly heads with kt and wm. In fact, it would almost seem as if they might assume you are dead, or make up false stories, just to secure their personal wall - a wall they want to build high in order to counter any potential future pain.

    I certainly will hope and pray that kt will be able to remain in the home, and overcome her intense fears, in order to be able to be part of your recovery. This certainly would be the best for all. My thoughts will be with you all.
     
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thank you ladies....as you can tell it's been a challenging week here.
     
  11. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I am not convinced that this is a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). In order for the kids to be this upset with your illness, it seems tio me they would have to feel some sort of bond or connection to you.
    I also am not convinced their fears and reactions are in any way abnormal, or even over the top.
    Children do depend on parents for all their needs. When illness strikes a parent, a childs self preservation is going to kick in and they are going to fear over what will become of them. Children also do know very often adults will try to sheild them from hard truths, and scary information, and not always let them know if a parent is sick enough to ------pass away. Your kids do see your diminished phsyical ability, and it is not just children who begin to be afraid when they see someone need to use assistive devices. Or have hospital stays. Your children do actually seem to be useing self preservation, and understanding that you ARE ill and putting 2 plus 2 together, and thinking about their future, and understanding that they ARE dependant upon you and husband for their needs. This would seem to me to show a level of maturity and intelligence. ANd a level of bonding. Even non difficult child children very often, even into adulthood- do not view their own parents as "human beings" but rather as their support and caregivers. Even non difficult child kids will take the possibility of something happeneing to their parents and turn it in such a way as to worry "what will become of me" and if you think about it, when you hear of children who do lose a parent, very often you will also think "oh the poor child" and your children already had the sad experience with their bio mom..........and wound up with you--- so they already have the history that things can get quite disrupted when something is not going so great for the parent figures. How a parents life is going is not in the control of the children, BUT very often it IS the children who are so greatly affected. Your children already have experienced first hand the upheaval their little lives can go thru totally unrelated to their own behaviors, becuz what happened to them in bio home had nothing at all to do with their behaviors or actions, it was their bio mom who was ill and twisted. Now they are seeing that your husband was in phospital last summer, was it? and now you are dealing with this illness and it is normal for them to be afraid and upset and acting out. I have a strong feeling kt could be thinking oh no, mom is this ill and will have more difficulty takeing care of me, so will I land in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or a foster home over it? And it is not like she has never seen such a thing happen.

    One thing so many people say all the time is "look out for number 1" and "take care of yourself" in the case of children, especially younger ones, we do have to take care of them and their needs, and they are not normally going to be thinking about us or our needs, it really is not usually their job......
    And even after they become adults, well. a very many people even as adults do not find it their job to take care of ill parents or think about what an ill or elderly or disabled parents wants or needs.

    I urge you to remember how you were feeling inside you when your mom was ill. How scared etc you were. And you were a fully grown adult with children of your own and a husband. Kt and wm already were taken from one bio mom, no matter what kind of mom she was, she was their mom, and they "lost her" so to speak. And how young are they? It is not that strange that they worry they could lose you, too, and once again, their "home" and "family"
    And as for wms birthday? After 9-11 how many people said things needed to get back to "normal"? Wm may very well need the reaasurance that things are in fact as close to "normal" as can be. And a birthday is a celebration of his life. He truly may need to feel a celebration of Life. He truly may need the event to happen. We all need to feel it makes a difference that we exist. And he may be wanting to be able to think that his existance is something important to you, he may need to feel he is a positive force in giving you the will and strength to go on, even if he is not um........providing you with support that you can interpret as support. He could be interpreting it as.... do I matter enough to her to have her become well again? Do I give her the will to live? And no, his behavior itself is not what likely would be in his mind, but just his mere existance.

    They are mere children, and ill children at that, and ones who have already lived thru a great deal of tragedy. And yes, their needs at this time are also important. Your docs and your husband need to help YOU and their docs and your husband etc need to help them to deal with all this.
     
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