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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759700" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>All of this isn't your business. It's hers.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your responsibility is to learn to limit how much of this you let enter your radar. I think it's possible to school the people in your orbit to not bring all of these problems to you. I am doing better at this. Finally, my ex is learning that everything blows up in his face when he brings stories to me. I just can't take it. </p><p></p><p>This part is tough: </p><p></p><p>This is my weak spot. I want my son to change too. I want him happy. I want him stable. I want him productive. But I am only just now accepting that he can't do much better than he's doing. Now. He wants to change, on some level, too. But he has not until now had even the idea, let alone the motivation. You can bring a horse to water....Until your daughter comes to you and says, <em>Mom, I would like your help because there are things I would like to change in myself and in my life</em>....you have no place to stand, nor do I, with respect to change with our kids or helping their lives get better. Your potential control is over you. But gee whiz do I understand this wishing and hoping.</p><p></p><p>OK. This is just self-torture. Do you really think people wash their dirty linen on Facebook? But the thing is, and I struggle with this too, there is only one REALITY. I am coming to see that the closer I can come to accepting reality, the less suffering there is for everybody. Our reality here, those of us on this forum, is that we have children who are suffering, and we suffer with them. Piling on with more suffering by comparing them or us to some ideal fantasy just doesn't help. Personally, I would stay off Facebook.</p><p></p><p>I am not judging you in any way. I understand every single word and I empathize. I feel your pain. I have felt it too and I still do, but less. The thing is YOU need to start protecting yourself. If you work at getting good boundaries, to feel less guilty and less reactive, seek out the things in your life that give you joy, you will grow in ability to hold onto hope and to love her as she is, and so will I.</p><p></p><p> I believe with all of my heart that you will begin to see rainbows and so will your daughter, if we begin first, with us, in us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759700, member: 18958"] All of this isn't your business. It's hers. Your responsibility is to learn to limit how much of this you let enter your radar. I think it's possible to school the people in your orbit to not bring all of these problems to you. I am doing better at this. Finally, my ex is learning that everything blows up in his face when he brings stories to me. I just can't take it. This part is tough: This is my weak spot. I want my son to change too. I want him happy. I want him stable. I want him productive. But I am only just now accepting that he can't do much better than he's doing. Now. He wants to change, on some level, too. But he has not until now had even the idea, let alone the motivation. You can bring a horse to water....Until your daughter comes to you and says, [I]Mom, I would like your help because there are things I would like to change in myself and in my life[/I]....you have no place to stand, nor do I, with respect to change with our kids or helping their lives get better. Your potential control is over you. But gee whiz do I understand this wishing and hoping. OK. This is just self-torture. Do you really think people wash their dirty linen on Facebook? But the thing is, and I struggle with this too, there is only one REALITY. I am coming to see that the closer I can come to accepting reality, the less suffering there is for everybody. Our reality here, those of us on this forum, is that we have children who are suffering, and we suffer with them. Piling on with more suffering by comparing them or us to some ideal fantasy just doesn't help. Personally, I would stay off Facebook. I am not judging you in any way. I understand every single word and I empathize. I feel your pain. I have felt it too and I still do, but less. The thing is YOU need to start protecting yourself. If you work at getting good boundaries, to feel less guilty and less reactive, seek out the things in your life that give you joy, you will grow in ability to hold onto hope and to love her as she is, and so will I. I believe with all of my heart that you will begin to see rainbows and so will your daughter, if we begin first, with us, in us. [/QUOTE]
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