Reading Resources Requested

[Deja]

I'm glad I found this site earlier than later. We kicked my son out on 5/1, but had given him that date on 4/7. He had options, e.g. moving in with his older brother for 1 month, but he didn't like the idea of paying rent (Ha!). We suspect he's living with the family of a friend, for now. After reading many threads (and I read everyday) we suspect he will ask to come back at some point. Since this is his first "out of the house" experience, and he does have a job (albeit part-time), we would allow him to come back WITH RESTRICTIONS/REQUIREMENTS.
Here's where you come in. We have some ideas (listed below), but know there are more. So either let us know some of yours, or let us know where to find suggestions. Everything will be written down and signed. This will be a contract with- difficult child.

Our list so far:

• Ask difficult child why he wants to come back. We are not to give him the answer.
• Just like unemployment, he'll need to tell us what he did on any given day, to find FT employment.
• Seek and attend "finding FT employment" workshops. They are free.
• Going back to college (he's 21) does not mean a free ride.
• There is a time limit (60 days?) to how long he can stay in the house.
• If we have to travel, he will need to find other residence for that time. House alarm will be activated.
• Allowance and amount it is to be clearly defined. Nothing more. And it will become less over time. (Thinking is enough for gas to get to work/ find a job. Concert? Not on our dime, or $40.)
• Drug testing? (would really like your comments on this one.)

And?.....tell us what we're missing. We know there's a lot!
Thanks, parents!
(Group hug)

 

[TeDo]

If he's 21 why on earth would you give him an allowance? At this age, it's a privilege to have his housing and food paid for.

If he's staying with someone else right now, he will only ask to come home when there is nowhere else for him to go. If you really want to make a point, make sure he "suffers" a little. Let him worry about where he's going next and don't let him know there's even the slightest chance you'll let him back before you're actually ready to. Coming home won't be a luxury to him if he doesn't have to sweat it out first.

I would give him no more than 60 days to get a full-time job and another 60 after that to move out so he'd better save his earnings for deposits.

What are his responsibilities around the house? If he's going to live there rent free, he should work it off until he's working full-time and even then he should do his fair share. For now, he should have to do more since he's not doing anything better.

Make sure you tell him "welcome to adulthood" every time he complains about something you deal with or have to do on a regular basis.

 

[keista]

I agree with Tedo on the allowance thing. My allowance was cut off the second I got a job at 16, I never got it back even when out of work.

Are drugs/alcohol an issue? That needs to be addressed.
Curfew/noise hours need to be addressed. They can be flexible if he gets a job where he does have to work late - but only for work purposes.
Friends in and out needs to be addressed.

 

[Deja]

Understood. The allowance was gas money, for his PT job and to look for FT. That would decrease over time.
And definitely on the rent. It would be in line with the roommate rent rates we've been seeing in the paper. Right now that hits close to $400/mo.
I forgot to put the chores back on the list. I didn't think of it because he was fairly good with that before. But rightly so, everything needs to go on the list.

As far as drugs and alcohol. I'm sure it's being done, but I'm not sure to what extent. The family he lives with, one of the 3 difficult child's sells pot, but his mother thinks "that's ok". Really? Not ok in this house.

Thank you for the ideas.

 

[helpangel]

A couple thoughts...

I don't pay allowances either, I allow them to live here that's all the allowance they get regardless of age
I will come up with jobs to earn money - if want something and willing to work for it.

Auto insurance is the responsibility of the person driving the car (or rapping it around the tree) not the owner
same goes for gas

Anyone with money for alcohol or drugs has money for rent

My dad did it with me, I've done it with my son & friends (people staying until they get on their feet)
Put a portion of rent they pay into an envelope to help them on a security deposit
my dad banked 50% for me but I had a child and needed out as soon as possible for everyone's sake
my son being here was costing about 300 a month so I put away 50% of anything over 300

It seems when rent portion is being saved for them they are more ready to hand it over.
I also noticed they tend to pay you more then you asked for (at least my son does)
It got me out of my parents house at least a year quicker then I could have on my own.
That security envelope saved us financial burden when my son's work closed their doors and it took 3 months to find another job. (student loans & auto insurance close to wiped out his saving so me being able to get his rent there helped a lot)

I'm new to this forum I hope some of this helps

 

[Nomad]

Hi. We didn't pay an allowance to our son once he turned a certain age and worked. He worked PT and went to college. He lived at home the first two years. He ended up doing very well.

I think your list is VERY good. RE: the limit to stay at home: I would call it perhaps a "trial run," or a probationary period. If he does very well, maybe you would consider extending it for a full year. But, I see your point, it probably should NOT be an indefinate invitation and after all, he is 21 (and it would very likely do him good to move out and be independent). If drugs have been an issue, I think periodic drug testing is a great idea. These things are probably obvious, but I would not allow in your home: rudeness, violence, cussing, violations of the law, etc.

I'm a little confused by the title of this post re: reading resource. I like a book called "Boundaries," by authors Cloud and Townsend.

Best of luck...stand firm.