Ready for difficult child to leave

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Aug 18, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Not that long ago I posted about difficult child going off on me for making a comment she didn't like while we were on a camping trip.

    Last week the whole family spent a week on vacation together. The trip was a complete mess and difficult child and easy child were picking at each other all week long. On the day we packed to leave I was trying to consolidate things and of course difficult child can't understand the concept and starts an argument. For the last three days of the trip she snipped at us whenever she felt like it.

    Yesterday difficult child went to the fridge to get her birth control out and found the box empty. She immediately began accusing us and easy child of stealing it. When I looked at the carton it was clear she needed it refilled and that she had already used it all last month. Of course we get no apology just a blow off and ignored.

    Last night we had friends over to enjoy a fire. We were sitting around talking about the trip and how since difficult child is 19 she was legally allowed to drink there. I didn't love it but honestly if she is going to drink I would rather it be somewhere safe where we are around. difficult child picked up either a stomach bug while we were there or had too much alcohol and rich food while we were there. I am guessing the slight hangovers were part of the reason she was so snippy. Anyway our friend went into the house to go to the bathroom and teased difficult child about drinking too much and having an upset stomach. difficult child proceeded to go off on us as soon as the friend left. She posted another scathing post on Facebook and proceeded to have a breakdown.

    husband and I have had enough. I refuse to live in a home where everything I say is monitored by a 19 year old kid. I refuse to need her permission to talk to my adult friends about our lives. I refuse to continue being berated by a teenager. We are going to let her know that if she can't respect that we are adults and don't answer to her she has to leave. If she can't deal with that then we will set a timeline for her to leave.
     
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Ouch, District.

    It does sound like difficult child is shifting responsibility for herself onto you, again.

    Maybe pointing that out could help her get a grip?

    From your other posts, it sounds like you were all really happy to be together again.

    Maybe if difficult child could step back, she could get a little perspective on her own behavior?

    I'm sorry this is happening again, District. I know how hard you have tried.

    Sometimes, they seem determined not to hear us.

    Or to misunderstand what they do hear.

    Cedar
     
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Cedar,
    Things are always good when she is getting what she wants they way she wants it. All it takes is someone doing or saying something she doesn't like and all you know what breaks lose. Case in point, my aunt is driving across the country to bring difficult child her car (my care I let her drive). difficult child's comment on that was "she will put a ton of miles on it." Seriously!!! Lets skip the fact the woman is driving four days across the country and paying for it all out of her pocket so that difficult child can have her own car again. difficult child is going to be ticked because her car will now have more mileage on it instead of being greatful it is coming.

    Last night she stayed in her room all night long and only came out to get dinner. I didn't mind one little bit.
     
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    DSTC---I am sorry. I remember your post about the camping trip and here you are again.

    You are walking through the forest right now. You are giving your daughter lots of chances to shape up and as you are giving her those changes, you are getting more and more and more tired of her lack of response.

    You're getting there. You are getting to: completely sick and tired.

    And that is when things start to change. When WE are completely sick and tired of their chaos and unacceptable behavior.

    That is a very good day, DSTC. A very good day for us.

    I'm sure you have set a lot of rules before and done a lot of talking and reasoning and explaining and tried consequences and all of the normal stuff. Your signature says she is ODD. I have read a lot about that, as I have thought my difficult child surely must have ODD due to his completely counter-common-sense behavior.

    Who knows? All I know at this point is I almost don't care what your diagnosis is. We all have problems. We all struggle. If you have a diagnosis and you don't want to get help and then you don't want to take the help, and your behavior is out of control and disruptive to everybody around you, then...well...you can't stay here.

    I got there inch by inch, DSTC. And I really mean inch by inch.

    Today my difficult child is 25. Evidently he is on Day Two of his new job at McDonald's. He called me late yesterday afternoon from an unknown cell phone to say this: I worked all day today, Mom. It felt good to work again. I got up at 4 a.m. to ride the bike to work so I could be there at 6 a.m. The shirts they gave me got stolen so I had to call the new supervisor and tell her that. I hated to call her because I know that is the worst possible first impression. I tried to do everything else before I called her, like borrow a shirt. But I couldn't so I called her and she was really nice. She said things happen. She said she would meet me with some more shirts and name tag. I'm really tired now and I have to go to probation now and call the other probation about my appointment there tomorrow.

    I said: Sounds good, honey. I am proud of you. Have a good day tomorrow.

    DSTC, I don't know where he is staying. I have no idea how to get in touch with him. Evidently he and the new girlfriend are already broken up. I have no idea if he will go to work again today or has gone or not. I don't know what he is eating and where he is sleeping. I don't know if he is using drugs or drinking or smoking or anything.

    And you know what? I don't need to know any of that. Today, I don't. I was glad to hear from him and that conversation had a very positive tone to it---for me.

    He does sound different but who knows? I mean, I'm sure he doesn't even really know.

    I am going to do all I can today not to interfere or involve myself with him. In fact, I hope he doesn't call me again for a few days.

    He must walk his own path. That is the only way he has a prayer to become an adult. I am just praying for him---that he can continue walking forward---and for me, that I can continue walking forward. That is really all there is.

    Warm hugs. Hang in there. Decide what you will and won't live with, just for today. You can always change your mind. Take care of YOU. You matter too. In fact, you are 1 percent more important than she is. Claim it. You deserve peace and respect and good things. Work toward them.
     
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  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    DTSC, sorry you are going through another time of high drama. Part of me wants to say that 19 is so young. My easy child said and did some pretty thoughtless things at 19 that she wouldn't dream of now. At 19 that filter between brain and mouth is often not yet operational. The comment about the car was way out of line, ungrateful, and selfish. But also true, if she's excited about having her own car.

    On the other hand, she's got a good job and has shown she can handle that. You all have given her a lot of help over the summer, housing her and giving her time to find that good job. It might be time for her to work toward having her own fridge. Then she doesn't have to worry about anybody stealing her BC pills :D
     
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Her job wont let her afford much in the way of housing but she could rent a room pretty easily. I am getting all my information together today and husband and I are going to discuss it tonight. I think if we can help find her a room that it would be a good idea for her to move out.

    I will be happy to buy her a mini fridge to keep her BC in. LOL
     
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