ready to blow!!!!!

[mog]

For those of you tht might remember me,its been a long time. I am sorry that I haven't posted anything earlier but I really haven't been handling things well for myself. I have been drinnking alot and sleeping alot,missing fun activites with friends and family because I just can't keep it together.
my difficult child came home after finally getting kicked out of the system while they "wait fo rhim to screw up as an adult" because it is not their problem anymore. He has moved in and out of our house as his friends and girlfriends family take him in then figure out the real difficult child. He has his ups and downs as usual but I really don't know what to now. His room his trashed AGAIN--the bathroom is disgusting AGAIN- he has so many dirty dishes in both places that we dont have glasses to drink out of, bowls to eat out of or silverware to use, and when I say something he says don't worry about.
Then our oldest son HAD to come home because he has burned all his bridges and had no where else to go. He was in a realationship with a wonderful girl and had just gotten a great job with pepsi and had been promised a huge advancement in that job until he went to lunch one day and never went back, was living with the girlfriends parents and lying to them that he wasa going to work every night (he worked graveyard to get his foot in the door)then sleep for a little while and leaving for the day . Then was hiding from he girlfriend because she found out he was NOT working but was selling pot. They had put her brothers car in there name to use because he is in the service and going to be deployed for over a year and he was bing nice to his sister but the day they went she could not be there so they put the car in my sons name (they were talking about getting married)but he left that day and took the car. He was hiding out at his grandmothers for a while but things finally caught up with him so he asked if he could come home and I said ok and we paid for a bus ticket.
Now difficult child is acting like he rules the roost and oldest son is pushing him to do stuff. Not following our rules and staying out all night. They are both over 18 and I have told them they can come and go with respect to us as to let us know where they are and NOT coming in at all hours of the night --if they are going to be out late then make arrangments to stay there not come home and wake me up when I have to go to work and then they sleep all day.
difficult child WAS working but not now and oldest has been here three weeks and isn't even bothering to look. They "snuck" out last night and we have not heard from them at all today.
Advise on what the heck to do--both have already burned all the bridges and really have NO where else to go. HELP!!!!

 

[TeDo]

I don't mean to sound harsh but where they sleep and what they choose to do are not your responsibility. They are adults and it is THEIR responsibility to find a place to sleep and food to eat. You are no longer responsible for providing the basic necessities of life for them. I know, easier said than done. But, they have chosen to live as they have and are using you. If they still aren't home, personally I would change the locks fast, put their stuff outside and call the police if they try breaking in or causing a ruckus. If they continue to mooch off you and husband, nothing will change.

You don't need this and enabling them won't help them help themselves. Please take care of yourself. YOU come first now. {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you. I am sorry they are putting you through this.

 

[HaoZi]

Change the locks and direct them to the nearest homeless shelter? I don't know, hon, but I send you strength and *hugs*

 

[BusynMember]

I think you should post on Parent Emeritus.

I was also going to ask why they are home. So they burned their bridges and have nowhere to go? Whose fault is t hat? There are soup kitchens and shelters where they can sleep. And, from what I've found and learned, enabling adults as they behave lawlessly is the wrong thing to do to get them to change their ways.

I'd show them both the door and, yes, change the locks. You deserve peace. Hugz!!!

 

[keista]

Changing the locks was the first thing that came to my mind.

They came back. The good Mom gave them yet one more chance. You set simple rules, and they broke them. Sounds like the bridge to you is on fire, but you are still holding it up. Bridges on fire are very heavy, you might get crushed if you don't step back.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to kick your own kids to the curb, but they are adults.

It's time for you and your husband to enjoy each other and your home.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I am going to give you advice based on what I have seen lately and learned...

Let me ask you this. What reason do they have to change? What reason do they have to get a job? They have a roof over their head, food in their belly and they are allowed to do what ever they want. What motivation do they have to get off their butts and provide for themselves? None. And look what it is doing to you. Nothing and I mean nothing will change until they are forced to. They are over 18 - buh bye. Burned bridges? Shame. Time to figure it out.

My difficult child has been out six months and already I see that she has figured out how to clean up after herself (her room used to be the same way - TRASHED), she says thank you for everything, she is not afraid of physical labor to earn money, and she knows she should be thankful when someone puts a roof over her head. Now if she would just agree to go to rehab and sober living I would be thrilled!! But, she hasn't, and so I stand firm until she does.

You need to stand firm, too. Let natural consequences do their job and take care of you.

 

[JJJ]

You may need to serve them with formal evictition notices.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I definitely want to echo the invitation to post over in Parents Emeritus. We've been there done that with our adult difficult children.. you are not alone.

As for "nowhere to go," it's been my experience that many adult difficult children tend to be incredibly self-sufficient. They may pull at your heartstrings by crying about having nowhere to go, but when push comes to shove, they figure something out.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im with Crazy in inviting you to post over in Parents Emeritus.

I notice you have a grandchild in your signature. Whose child is this? I hope its not one of these kids.

Seriously, you need to decide that you have had your fill of what is going on with in your house or it wont change. The mere fact that they have burned all other bridges isnt your problem.

I can tell you what I would do if this was my house and my family simply because I have had adult kids living at home. Number one, I dont run a boarding house...its my home and I dont appreciate being woken up all night long. I want everyone home by 11 pm unless advance notice is given. If you arent working or going to school, then you need to be looking for a job at least 20 hours a week. (Dr Phil says 40 but I will cut them some slack here) You need proof that they are looking too. Chores and such are done daily. They are responsible for a portion of household expenses ie rent.

If they wont agree to certain conditions or they continue to flaunt your rules, well you have no choice but to show them the door. They will figure it out. They will also probably do much better out of your home than in it even though you cannot imagine it now.

 

[1905]

They won't have any motivation whatsoever to change. They are truly fine with the status quo. You need to change what you're doing. They need to be motivated to get a job. Not having food or a place to live is good motivation. They may have burned all their bridges because they always had you as a fallback. Things have to be uncomfortable for them. I had to kick my son out at age 18, it was hard, it was very hard for him, but if I didn't do that- he would still be laying on my couch saying, "Why should I?' when we told him to get a job. It was ugly for him. It took him awhile for him to get his act together. But....this is the only thing that helped any of us. Don't worry what others think about you- all of my relative thought we were awful people for kicking our own son out, and maybe they still do. My husband and I don't regret it, and you won't either, SAVE YOURSELF, they will save themselves. And in the future you'll have a good relationship. This is just my experience. (((many gentle hugs)))

 

[slsh]

Then our oldest son HAD to come home because he has burned all his bridges and had no where else to go.

And this is your problem.... why? I'm sorry - I know that sounds hard and callous, but at some point you have got to say enough already. It's not easy and it will break your heart, but you are not obligated to be their safety net for the rest of your life. How long are you going to allow your children's choices to have such a negative impact on your own life?

I have been drinnking alot and sleeping alot,missing fun activites with friends and family because I just can't keep it together.

You have earned the right to have a peaceful home, Mog. You deserve friends and fun and *peace*. You've *earned* it. Repeat it to yourself, over and over and over again. Motherhood does *not* mean a lifetime of sacrificing yourself for your children, especially when they have no apparent interest in getting on with their lives. And it's not just about you - husband deserves it too.

If your kids are not going to follow house rules, they need to leave. Period. If you have to formally evict them, do it. They don't have anywhere else to go? Not your problem. They could have followed rules, come in at a decent hour, gotten to work on the business of living their own lives, etc., but they didn't. They are abusing your kindness.

I'm so sorry - it's a horrible position to be in, but it is time to start really taking care of you and husband.