Ready to jump

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Csubak, May 31, 2015.

  1. Csubak

    Csubak New Member

    I am brand new to this site. I have a 22 year old son that is chronically angry, irritable and nasty...especially to my husband and I. We are having trouble finding the right medications to stabilize him. Most recently he was placed on trileptal and the angry moods have increased. He says he is depressed and has anxiety. Can trileptal do that? We are at wits end. He's been on the Trileptal for 3 weeks. Does anyone know of a medication (s) that will calm down his brain? He was also prescribed klonidine. We gave him the first dose today.
     
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Csubak! I'm sorry your son is so difficult right now. Finding the right medication to stabilize can be so difficult. What works for one, doesn't always work for another. We trialed many medications but did eventually find a great combination that has kept him relatively stable.

    Most parents with older children post in the parent emeritus forum on our site. I'll move your post there so be sure to look for it there!

    Sending gentle hugs your way.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you give us some background on him? It may be different than needing psychiatric drugs. He could be using recreational drugs and that makes the young adults nasty. Does he go to school? Work? Do chores about the house? Do you have other kids to worry about who have to watch him as he disrespects you. Is t his ok with you or are you thinking of maybe setting some boundaries and, if he crosses them, make him leave and grow up? What is your plan? He is too old for you to do anything to change him. You can only change yourselves and your reaction to him.

    Is this husband his stepfather? Where is Dad?

    Does he lie, steal, assault you or deface your property when angry? Do you pay for everything, like his cell phone and car insurance and let him use your car?

    I'm sorry you had to come here. It is usually pretty bad if you find yourself here, but we are here to support you and give you are experience, which is massive. At his age, he needs to work on changing himself. The medications, even if he doesn't smoke pot or shoot heroin or do meth, can not do all the work. I have mental health issues. It takes hard work and lots of good therapy and he has to be willing to comply or he will not get better, and that is on his shoulders, not yours. Learning to control his anger is his issue not yours. Don't let him abuse you. Yes, our grown kids can and often do abuse us and usually we let them...at least at first.
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Has he received any formal diagnoses? Especially if the evaluations were done after he became an adult?
    Diagnosis is one of the factors in determining medications. If the diagnosis is incorrect OR incomplete (i.e. more than one thing going on), getting the right help (medications/therapy) is difficult.
     
  5. Csubak

    Csubak New Member

    He is not using drugs. He does not have a car because we refuse to buy him one. He is not allowed to drive our cars. My husband is his dad. He does not assault us physically. Never has. Just verbal. Has punched walls and doors. We have tossed him out a few times. He has been hospitalized twice for depression and mood problems. He was diagnosed with mood disorder not otherwise specified. As a child he was diagnosed with ADHD. He is an only child. In my opinion I find it hard to accept the fact that he can get a handle on all of this without the proper medications. I was just wondering if anyone had or has a similar scenario and what medications have worked for them.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I second everything SWOT writes.

    You have asked for specific information about medication and their side effects, which no one can responsibly give you. Each medication, as you know, acts differently depending upon individuals' characteristics. Your son is uniquely himself, as is his situation. Information about a side effect of a specific medication is best addressed by your son to his physician, unless there is a compelling reason your son and his physician cannot communicate independently.

    It is this issue that you do not specifically address, that which many of us have come to believe is the crucial and central one.

    Of course there are reasons for a 22 year old adult to live a life dependent upon their parents.

    But even in cases that are borderline, where the parent fears that the adult child lacks competency, or has impaired judgment, or chronic illnesses, where the parent feels the child needs protection, are not always clear cut.

    It may be helpful or not, for me to share our situation. You decide. Our sons do share some symptoms in common. My son was diagnosed ADHD when quite young.

    A major mistake I made was to continue to seek control of major and important areas of my son's life, after he was an adult. And I tried and tried to do so until he was 26 years old.

    My son is mentally ill, has poor judgment, has a chronic illness requiring treatment. Still, I have come to believe that he is better off making his own decisions about medication, housing, money, treatment, etc.

    Do I suffer? Yes. Do I worry? Of course. Do I doubt myself? All the time.

    But I have come to accept two things, important things, to me:

    Trying to assert control over my son led to greatly increased conflict between us. Trying to achieve control led to my making my son wrong, led to power struggles between us. As I look back on it, when I did too much for him, and sheltered him, he was more anxious, more angry, more depressed, in general, more symptomatic. This, I realized, was completely against what I wanted.

    Second thing. For my son to mature, to grow, to change...is he not entitled to live and learn from the gains and losses of his life? Could I decide that he was not? No. I could not. I came to accept that my son deserved a life of self-determination, not one dictated by and determined by his mother's goals or needs.

    Your concern is the anger, depression and anxiety of your adult son. Forgive me if I respond without essential information. Of course, my perspective is based only on my own experience, my own situation.

    One reason that our children can be depressed and anxious, is because of barriers to their fully participating in constructing their own lives. At once they fear and want independence and autonomy. On some level, too, they still need us. This creates conflict, and with it the symptoms you describe. Of course, there can be other reasons, too.

    My son is happier, more involved and has more pride in himself, when he can and does make decisions himself that improve his life. And when his decisions are poor ones, he has the opportunity to make better ones. And he does.

    He likes himself better. He is less anxious. He is less depressed. He is less self-conscious.

    When I get out of the way, he grows.

    I apologize if in my post I have gone places you had not asked to go. Because I am new at this way of thinking it is helpful for me to clarify where I have been and what I need to do.

    Of course, none of this, not one bit, may apply to your situation. But it does to mine.

    I look forward to knowing you better. I hope you post more.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2015
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Maybe he can't, but he's the one who has to make his appointments, take the medication and go to therapy too. I've had a mood disorder since very young. It's a bad one. I have been hospitalized. I take care of my own illness. Nobody can do it for me. Nobody can do it for your son. If he refuses, then it is on his shoulders. You can't take care of his illness like when he was eight. He is legally an adult and you can't make him do anything.

    I do not think that medications without therapy will be very effective.

    For me, Paroxatine was a miracle drug, but not everyone likes it. It is very individual. He needs to see a psychiatrist and to go through the guinea pig testing, like all of us, and hope something works. He needs to give each medication 4-6 weeks before giving up. There is a new blood test that helps doctors learn which medication may be best for your son so he can utilize this new knowledge.

    But he is the one who needs to be in control of his illness. You can not force him to take care of himself.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's a blood test to indicate which AD would work best for the person. Look it up as I have no idea how it works. Could be that test you're referring to. I never had one; just heard about it recently and it sounds promising.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2015
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Last edited: May 31, 2015
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