Ready to kick son out!

[mysonnick]

PLEASE HELP ME. My son Nick is 22 years old. He is a "part-time" junior college student, barely. He sleeps all day (refuses to get a job) and stays out all night "partying" with his friends. His room is a mess, and I have to nag him to take a shower. He breaks our house rules constantly, and we have caught him stealing money from our wallets. He has also stolen our credit cards and bought beer and cigarettes without our permission. The money he has stolen from us adds up to the thousands. He always apologizes and promises to "change", but nothing ever changes. This has gone on for years now and I AM DONE. I feel bad for him because I know he is depressed and has very little self esteem, but even so, I am ready to kick him out. Where can he go so he doesn't end up on the street? We live in a middle class neighborhood--I am not familiar with homeless resources. Whenever we threaten to kick him out, he says he will kill himself. At his point I feel like we are being blackmailed. We have tried counseling and he is on medication (which probably doesn't work because he constantly smokes pot). I am literally at my wits end (he stole from my purse again last night) after he promised never to do so again. I think he needs a dose of hard, cold reality. I want to pack up his stuff and show him the front door. However, I also want to be able to give him a list of places he can go, but I don't know what to tell him. We live in California in the San Fernando Valley. If anyone out there has any advice for me, please contact me. I honestly believe he has a drug problem, but he won't admit it. I have offered to get him help or take him to a rehabilitation center, but he refuses this.

The saddest part of all this is that he is brilliant. He graduated "valedictorian" from both middle and high school. He was always in the "highly gifted" programs throughout school, and got into almost every college he applied to, including a full scholarship to a respected school back east. He could have been anything he wanted to be. Some of his friends that he went to high school with are now graduating next semester, while he is puttering around taking mickey-mouse courses at junior college. After high school, he actually went to UCLA for 5 weeks and then dropped out. We have since watched him spiral downward and come apart. He is also an incredibly talented musician. But I cannot live this way any more. Help.

 

[buddy]

Hi! there are many here who have walked in your shoes. Hang in there.... there will be replies to come I promise. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and have found a wonderful place to meet others who have loved ones that can make us nuts. I am sorry you are going through us. sounds to my inexperienced ear that you know what you need to do but it is hard to take that step. Others here will be able to share how they did it.

HUGS, Dee

 

[pinevalley]

Welcome to this board. You have come to the right place for advice and support. I'm sure that many others will come along soon to offer advice for you so that you won't feel so helpless dealing with your son. I just have a couple of questions for you: What medication is your son taking now? YOu are right that many medications do not work at all if the person is smoking pot at the same time. Has your son ever been evaluated for depression or for any other issues? You say that your son smokes pot, but are you sure that he is not using any other drugs also?
The first thing that I would do for my own peace of mind is to get a lock box or safe and hide all your cash and credit cards, for both you and your husband. Do not keep any credit cards in your purse, and only keep as little cash as possible. You want to make it as hard as possible for your son to steal from you. My teenager stole my cash and credit cards many times to pay for drugs and alcohol, and it made me furious! I had to cancel my credit cards several times this year to keep my son from using the card, and it is a total hassle for me. But this is your money, and you need to protect your money from anyone who will steal it, including your son.
Take care of yourself, and keep coming back to this board for support.

 

[mysonnick]

My son takes Prozac and xanex for anxiety. Yes, he is under a doctor's care for depression and anxiety disorder. We try to remember to put our wallets in our bedroom at night, but getting a lock box sounds like a good idea. Thanks.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I am so sorry you are going through this. I also am wondering if he is taking more than pot. When our kids start to steal, that usually means they are taking harder drugs and stealing to pay for them. Unfortunately, when somebody is mired in drugs, they are no longer honest...often not the kids we raised. My daughter, who is an ex-addict, told me, "Never trust a druggie. NEVER. Everything they say is a lie." She should know. Nobody lied better than her and she could turn on the waterworks and make us feel terrible almost like a skilled actress.

in my opinion, I feel it is dangerous for your son to be on Xanax, which is highly abused and one of the street drugs kids like to take. It can help if it is used properly...but when our kids are in the drug culture, they seldom use the drugs the right way. Chances are that no medication is going to help his depression if he sabotages it with other substances. I would really wonder about any psychiatrist that gives a person with a drug problem a medication like Xanax. There are a lot of other medications that can be used for anxiety.

My daughter was a hardcore drug user. She started at twelve (yes, twelve) although we didn't know it. She progressed to coke and meth and even tried heroin a few times. She did quit...it has been eight years now. There is always hope. BUT...they quit when they want to and are motivated to quit. Nobody can force them to. Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting to help yourself through this?

 

[Signorina]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I feel your pain. Can you call your sons dr and get advice? Or joint sessions? {{{hugs}}}

 

[Zardo]

I am so sorry for your pain. I think your primary question is how to get a list of resources together so that when you ask him to leave, he has a list of places to look for help. In my state, we have an infoline that can provide all sorts of information. You dial 211 and they assess your problem and tell you the available resources. They even have crisis counselors that will come out to your home and assist you in times of need. If you have such a resource, perhaps asking for the list and also requesting that a crisis counselor come out to meet with you and your son to present him with the news and information. In on eof our times of need, we had a counselor come out who spent 2 hours with us and our son trying to assess and advise and he connected very well with my son. If you don't have that service, you should still have a Department of Social Services to call. You can probably get the number for your state/town on the web. If you try all of that and still cannot find information, call your local police department and tell them your story. They are surprisingly helpful and have usually heard all of these stories before and know where to direct your for help. Good luck.

 

[rejectedmom]

I would talk to his doctor first before putting him out. He might not be able to tell you anything about your son's medical records if a release has not been signed and on file but he can listen to your concerns and give advise. Ask him about maybe doing an intervention and getting your son into a treatment facility. If that does not work then in my humble opinion you have no choice other than putting him out of the house. You can call you local MHMR office and ask for a list of shelters and soup kitchens. Print that up and hand it to him on his way out the door. I am sorry for your pain andd your lost dreams for your son. I totally understand. but when they are stealing and upsetting your life to this degree you need to switch from protecting them form thier consequences to letting them experience them fully. Remember to take care of you and husband during all this. do not let the focus on your difficult child be so intense that that you stop having fun or time together or start arguing so much it hurts your relationship. Many of us have been there done that and can tell you that the strain that a difficult child on drugs puts on the parents is a real concern. You deserve to live in a safe environment where you do not have to lock up everything of value. If that means telling you son he has to leave then that is what must be.

 

[DDD]

Welcome. I've been thinking about your son and have a few questions about his past lifestyle as opposed to what's happening now. We, too, had visions of an awesome future for out teen difficult child as he was multitalented, popular etc. etc. As he began his teens the sky was the limit. Then abruptly signs of trouble began to surround us. Life has been difficult, costly and disappointing.

Was you son acknowledged for his intellect and artistic talent? Did he have healthy social friends and interactions? When did you notice that something was "not right"? Has he ever "related" to a therapist or counselor or psychiatrist? Did his friends change or was there a sudden onset of isolation?

It sounds like he may have been healthy until he attended UCLA. If so I'm wondering if he was subject to bullying or abuse that turned the tide. We tried outpatient counseling, two inpatient s.a. programs etc. Our son had become a substance abuser and an alcoholic. We knew he had sustained social trauma but over the years (yes, it has been ten years) he shared with me alot of painful experiences that we were unaware of at the time his life began to spiral. I can't help but wonder if there has been trauma that turned your son's life around also. DDD

 

[Signorina]

I have to agree with DDD. My son's life changed dramatically after he was physically assaulted his first week at school and seriously hurt. I WISH I had brought him home at the time and gotten him into therapy. He refuses to get help now and there is nothing I can do. Hindsight is always 20/20 -- but since your difficult child is in therapy, maybe it's not too late for him.

 

[Tiredof33]

Your son sounds so much like mine. I have tried so many things and now I am trying very hard to live one day at a time and turn it over to a higher power. I keep telling myself it is his life. I am tired of the lies and asking for money and the guilt trips. God bless and take care of yourself.