Reality Check

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Elmwood, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. Elmwood

    Elmwood New Member

    Before I start ... I was a member of the board a few years back but I "wandered away" and can't remember my old login so had to start a new account. I know I should fill in my signature with all of our info etc... but I just can't wrap my head around it right now so I will get to it soon. difficult child is 12 has ADHD/ODD and on respirdal and dexedrine but his medications are being assessed. Unfortunately we live in a very rural area and doctors appointments take a while to get so we are still playing the waiting game at this point.

    A little background. difficult child has in the past mainly had major issues at school (defiance, meltdowns, extreme destructive behaviour) with minor issues at home (getting into other people's things, some destructive behaviour).

    He rarely melts down at home with only one meltdown in the last year. It was directed at me.. he met a young fellow at school who was in a group home and made it sound like it was the greatest place on earth. difficult child proceeded to melt down at home with the intention of having CAS come and get him and take him away so he could be at this "cool place". I tried to call his bluff (that was my first mistake) and handed him the phone .. he proceeded to call CAS but since it was the weekend he didn't get anywhere with it. Things cooled down and since then things have gradually been deteriorating at home. As crazy as it sounds I didn't realize how far things had deteriorated until yesterday.

    As I said we live in a rural area. For whatever reason the people around here don't come to us with any problems they have with difficult child, and never have, they immediately call the police. We have had them at our door over an online game (which he is now banned from) and graffitti (which we determined later it wasn't difficult child). Maybe those things are what lulled me into not seeing how things were escalating.. no excuse but I have no clue how I didn't see this coming.

    Two days ago a young lady moved into a foster home here in town. difficult child immediately latched onto her as he does with anyone new in town. Our town has a population of 250 and i'm sure that includes cows and dogs so needless to say every family in town knows about difficult child and he is the first one they blame when something goes wrong.. when someone new comes into town he is in there like a dirty shirt.

    This one was bad news. She showed up in his class on Friday and Saturday the two of them were arrested for assault. They had a run in with some kids at the park and came home to report that they had been in a fight. All seemed pretty trivial at that time and not a new occurrance with this crew so difficult child went back outside with orders not to go back to the park which is near where these kids live. Turns out they didn't listen and proceeded to go back to the park and get some retribution. The result was 2 kids with bumps and bruises on arms and legs and one gone to the hospital to have his testicles checked out for any damage.

    While at the OPP station difficult child is in the holding cell and we can hear him first melting down, then yelling to the other girl and they start to throw wet toilet paper around their cells. difficult child chose to talk to us instead of a lawyer and when in the room with us proceeds to for the first time ever tell stepdad off, calling him names etc...It gets to the point that the officer threatens to hog tie them and eventually difficult child falls asleep in the cell.

    Unfortunately easy child is there as the father of the young fellow who has gone to the hospital has made comments of some retribution and we can't leave her home alone. I wish with all my heart that she didn't have to experience that, she looks today like her heart has been broken.

    We have tried to get help from CAS, Mental Health, The school board, doctors ... the list goes on and will continue to grow I'm sure.. but nobody seems to have any answers and this seems to be the result.. it's escallating and I don't see it changing.

    He seems oblivious to the severity of what is going on, he is carrying on today like nothing happened and right now is rather "angry" with me because he is not allowed out of the house. I question if he even has a conscience at this point and that terrifies me. This was a reality check.. I can't believe that I didn't see this coming.. how could I have missed it??? I have failed him by letting this happen but I will continue to fight for difficult child.. but today I'm tired.. very very tired.
     
  2. Elmwood

    Elmwood New Member

    Well ... I have been "officially notified" ... that he is "going goth" ... trying to pick my battles here but anyone have any suggestions on how to remove permanent marker from lips ? ...
     
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Rubbing alcohol and a cotton ball will remove the permanent marker.

    I'm sorry to hear about everything else. I would think living in such a small town would make everything that much worse. Between not being able to get help quickly and everyone knowing you and difficult child, it would just make it all that much more difficult.

    I don't have much advice really. It sounds like for now all you can do is keep an eye on him 24/7. That is extremely difficult to do when you have another kiddo.

    I'm sure someone else will be along shortly with better advice. (((hugs))) and welcome back to the board.
     
  4. Elmwood

    Elmwood New Member

    Thanks AllStressedOut, yep that worked.. but he has promptly reapplied it ... it wouldn't be so bad if he colored IN the lines **rolls eyes**... he has also added another piercing in his ear .. himself .. he has repeatedly done this over the last while and says it doesn't hurt .. so I'm thinking that the transformation has begun **sigh**
     
  5. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    You should do it to your own face and take him to the grocery store with you like that. See if he manages to make it through the store with you before dying of embarrassment. Maybe that will make him think twice before applying it again. If not, it will at least make people more worried about your sanity than your sons behavior. LOL Sorry, humor seems to be my only defense against difficult children lately, mine included.
     
  6. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    I need humor because I can so TOTALLY embarass difficult child 2! He is EASILY embarassed - love the humor angle!
     
  7. Elmwood

    Elmwood New Member

    haha .. I can just imagine all the "farmer's wives" at the grocery store ... we think we are the talk of the town now .. i just may have to do that :wink:
     
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Elmwood
    Welcome back, welcome!


    Let's see, strong attraction to the wrong crowd of friends, painting his lips with permanent marker and going Goth, attacking other children, has cauliflower in his pierced ears, defies authority, yelling at step-dad to make a scene in front of police (doubt they heard a thing he had to say to school district) and basically out of control at 12? Lack on conscience? Interesting.

    My thought would be to talk to the officer that arrested him without difficult child knowing. Both you and school district. Sometimes (not always) they can be in court and suggest alternatives ie: group home, boot camps, Residential Treatment Center (RTC), psychiatric hospitals in your state. At this point he needs to go away. You've done all you can do, and he continues to make poor choices that are NOW affecting the safety and well being of the rest of your family.

    But go where? Well...where do you live? What is the closest major city? Is this serious enough for you to consider terminating your parental rights to have him placed somewhere else? No, I'm not kidding. Deptartment of Social services may have some answers, calling the Governors office and asking if there is a state agency that would get you help is also an idea.

    When you do go to court or arbitration I would ask the officer to speak up for your family and tell the judge that you have tried everything and you can't control him. YOu can also file a petition of incorrigibility with your county family court and have him removed from your home.

    DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS as threats. If you don't follow through he'll know once again you were bluffing. And in his mind he wins.

    If you're tired of the crap...get a shovel and start putting some of these ideas in motion. If you can't get help at a local level, or with a pastor, or with a school guidance counselor for resources please start calling around to the agencies I mentioned.

    Good luck - hang tough.
    We're here for you
    Wherever you are
    Star
     
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