Really Blue today....a vent of sorts

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Feb 8, 2010.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I'm not sure why I feel this way, think it's a combination of many things.

    difficult child-A came home Sunday Morning (2:55am to be exact). I know the exact time because he comes through the garage door (won't give him any more keys to lose). My bedroom is right above the garage. Add to that, my alarm system (3 fuzzbutts) went off. Since I'm alone in the house, they are extra protective (I'm the last source for doggie treats ;)). difficult child-A came in, said he was sorry for waking me. He brought two friends with him.... no one was drunk or smelled like pot so this is a good thing.

    When I woke up at 6am his friends were sleeping on my upstairs couches (this is my domain). We have two other bedrooms and a family room downstairs but my upstairs couches were where they were at. I kept quiet so I didn't wake his friends. When a friend asked me to join them for breakfast at the casino, I went. I was bored of being quiet.

    When I got home, difficult child-A and friends were gone. Don't know when he'll be back. I keep working on the detaching and not rescuing. Not easy when he tells me that he has no contacts at all. Mr 20/40-20/80 doesn't have glasses either. Told him if he gives me the money I'd order them for him. I won't get them for him. The guy has had over a $1,000 since Christmas. Hasn't paid his fines, hasn't gotten his bank account caught up, I'm not helping with contacts. He has to live with his choices. I do feel bad for him and my heart breaks, but I don't feel sorry for him. But I do want to cry.

    Since I got home yesterday and found him gone, I've been extra down. It doesn't help things that I'm on my fifth week of being totally alone in the house (except for the fuzzbutts). Or that husband has been gone for 14 weeks so far (minus the few days home for Christmas) and his come home date of 4 weeks from now has been changed to 12+ weeks more.

    Yesterday was our 13th year anniversary. We did have a good time even if it was just talking on the phone. But issues from husband's past are coming to surface. His Mom cheated on his Dad when he was out of town and then gave him divorce papers on Valentine's Day of their 13th year. husband is worried that I might get tired of him being gone and leave him.

    My job stinks. Moral has hit the bottom, grabbed a shovel and is digging deeper.

    I'm just not in a happy place right now. I had to cancel my psychiatrist appointment on the 1st to go to court with difficult child-A and can't get in until the end of next week. Been trying all the self-care exercised and things, it's just not helping.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It really annoys me when I see that a whole bunch of people have read a post and not one person has reached out to give you a hug. Sometimes we need to vent and be heard and responded to.

    I'm so sorry that you are down. Please accept my softest, gentlest hug. I'm so sorry you are down. I can certainly understand why.

  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Sounds like just a pile of Blick!! I vote you do something awesome for you that tickles your fancy and just leads to a stress free fun day. Will it change your life? Nope. But it will put some pep in your step and give you something to look forward to. So whats it going to be?
    I wanna hear you say you've got something awesome for YOU planned!!! (((hugs)))
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry you're down. Hugs. Could you possibly take a small trip and surprise husband? That may do you both a world of good. Or send him a tiny gift. It always makes me feel better when I'm down to do a simple act of kindness for someone else.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aww Mom2, sorry I wasnt here earlier. I had to get offline to talk to Tony then got busy with stuff around the house. Sorry I missed you needing us.

    I know its tough with husband's gone. I am in awe of you having your's gone so long! It has to be extremely hard. Tony is just gone for a week or two at a time.

    13 years huh? You newlywed you! Im pushing 27! Yeah honestly now...I kinda push him out the

    I understand the alone blues. Do you do the phone thing every night with husband? Do you have a pretty set schedule to talk to him? I do with Tony. Its just a weird thing we always do when he is out of town but we always watch American Idol together. yeah...I know...stupid, but its our little time together on the phone. We actually spend more time talking when he is out of town than we do when he is home. We are held captive by the Maybe you can find some funny little show that you each love to watch and do that each week. Or something...maybe a music video or whatever. Just throwing ideas out.

    Hugs hun. I hope you feel better.
  7. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words.

    I'm doing better today. Yesterday was just a bad day.

    Janet, husband and I have such a predictable phone pattern. He is working 5pm - 5am east coast time. He gets off of work and stays awake until it's time for me to get up. Then he will give me a wake up call. Then, when it's time for him to wake up - I give him a wake up call. Then we talk on and off all the while he gets ready for work. Like you, we talk more when he's gone then when he's home. Actually, all these trips are what taught husband how to "talk" to me. As hard as it is to have him gone, it really keeps us strong. We realize how much we want to be together.

    With no one home, I've turned my dining room into a sewing room. I've just finished the top of my second quilt. I'm hoping someday to be able to put one together without ripping it about a dozen times to get everything lined up. But, it is a lot of fun. The top I just finished is for my newest niece...who is 5 days late. I keep telling everyone, she's waiting for her blanket from her auntie.

    Since I didn't adjust my food/gas budget with everyone gone, I have extra money to buy more quilting supplies. Plus to do other things. I have plans to go out with one of my girlfriends this weekend. I have a call in to my massage person. And I'm planning a trip to go see easy child and take him to my grandma's for Easter. She's almost 93. It should be fun. Oh, and my Mom is going to go too. I'm looking forward to it.

    Also, I've been saving my leave and whenever husband does get home, I'm taking a week off of work to just stay with him.

    Thanks for letting me vent yesterday. Sometimes it just helps to get the stuff off the chest.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    So sorry I didn't see your post yesterday. My husband is gone alot also. He always has been (38 yrs married) but it did get harder once the kids were all moved out. I'm glad you are doing better today. Is there a quilter's club around by you? check at the fabric store and/or craft store. Also the library might know of one. That way you get to do what you love and be with people!

    Here is a (((((HUG))))) for the next time you need one! -RM
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Ironically (Suz???) my first thought was hugs, hugs and more hugs.
    I too am sorry that you are down.
    Chances are super duper high that all of us have either felt exactly what you are feeling or something very very close to it.
    It is so frustrating when difficult children are in the picture. You try, try and try some more, but they just don't get it and life is often tough, stressful, worrisome, confusing, conflicting...etc.

    I'm rushing a bit at the moment (sorry...) but I can tell ya...I saw so many good things in your post. Love the way, that you can see some little positives in the middle of difficulties.

    Love the way that you are going out with your girlfriend!

    Healthy distractions are awesome! Discover/rediscover yourself! What do you like to do??? Well, do it!

    If you are on the PE forum, your kids are "older." Time for you to let much go/detach. Time for them to pick up the ball. Set up BOUNDARIES. If they are in the garage or some sort of separate from the house living guess is you have GOOD reason for this. Make sure boundaries are crystal clear and as best as you are able, try for you and your spouse (SO??) to be on the same page. A united front is hard to topple.

    And like Janet said...always good to spend time with your husband. Just saw what you said about taking those weeks off! This is WONDERFUL. Do you plan at least one really fun thing to do that week?????? Enjoy!

    Even with- the difficulties...push through...enjoy life. HOld on fast to those that have helped you along the way....gather your strength and put one foot in front of the other and enjoy life as best as you are able!

    If you continue to have toooo many "down" days, I do hope that you are able to seek professional counseling. Believe me, many of us have felt the need.

    Wishing you well (hugs).
    Lasted edited by : Feb 9, 2010
  10. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    Glad you're feeling better. Until December, I hadn't had too many of those days over the past almost 2 years, but now....difficult child went into rehab in TX yesterday for 30 days. I hope she doesn't play the game, but takes it seriously like she did in long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in 2005, she truly was a different person.

    I had forgotten how easy it becomes to enable, to excuse, to want to fix it all. She needs so much secondary to this mess SHE has created and we know MENTALLY we can only do so much and keep our health/sanity, but our HEARTS want to risk ourselves for a situation that we shouldn't!! Crazy!! There is a part of me that has some peace that she may go to jail for a brief period of time, that it may be the experience that wakes her up to her stupidity, but then those mommy and daddy hearts butt in!! Nothing is ever simple, unless you are on the OTHER side!

    I think all of us with difficult children need days here and there to just be blue and vent--we have certainly earned it. Much love and hugs!
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I wonder when you have to cancel with- your p-doctor due to something very important, if he or she would consider a telephone apt. once in awhile.
    You might ask.

    Also, at some point, if these court appearances are a constant, and if they conflict with an important apt. of yours, you might consider NOT going or compromising... for example, you take difficult child, but then leave and come back later. Take care of what YOU need to take care of.

    Surely, we want to help our "children." But when our children become adults, it is important to pull back and let them help themselves. This goes double if our help is hurting us (or them) in some way.

    by the way, happy belated anniversary!

    Hang in there!

  12. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hang in there, and {{{hugs}}}. I'm glad you're starting to feel better. I like Nomad's suggestion - if you have an important appointment that conflicts with a court appearance or other difficult child appointment, consider keeping your own appointment. It's a healthy adult interaction to be able to say, I'd like to be there to help but I already have an appointment. I'll be thinking about you; please let me know how it goes. I'm working on that myself these days; difficult child has many medical, psychiatrist, and physio appointments and I've caught myself canceling my own appointments to be able to drive him. This week I gave him plenty of notice and asked him to make arrangements for the end of the week. It's a change for us, but a healthy one, I think. Please be sure to put your own health and care high on your priority list.