really mad...long and a cuss word or 2 sorry

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nateisnuts, Sep 23, 2008.

  1. nateisnuts

    nateisnuts New Member

    so ive been
    letting this therapist come into my home 2x a week for 2 months now..thinking were trying to do the right thing here...well nate has a re-evaluation for oct 7th and she gave me her evaluation that shes going to hand in so i could read it before i post the highlights let me explain one more thing here..we live behind my parents in a small mother in law cottage, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, the house is actually a garage that the previous owner converted. we have lived here since weve been married..7 1/2 years. it is getting harder with both boys, but we are looking into our other options..hud, habitat, low income housing and so forth. nate has never...NEVER gone a day where he has not gone upstairs to see his grampa and gramma. my hubby works 2nd shift, 5pm-2am so my mom helps me ALOT with the boys at night. my dad is disabled so i help ALOT with taking him to apts, checking on him, running errands for him so mom doesnt have to miss alot of work. grampa is grampa lol he doesnt want to be a diciplinarian, but he tries not to let him get to out of hand.
    we all try to work together so everyone gets taken care of ya know? ok so with that in mind here are some of the highlights from this ****ing *****'s report
    hyperactivity demonstrated appears within normal age limits
    lack of appropriate boundaries allows client to manipulate
    adult authorities

    client has learned how to aacelerate stressors
    enforcing consequences often proves to be beyond the tolerance
    level of adult authorities

    reinforcement of manipulative behaviors continues to be an

    mother becomes overly dependent on caretaking from extended
    family about whom she complains cause disruption and defiance

    mother has impulsive dependency needs
    father, while a participant in childrearing, often gives
    appearance that he enables manipulation by giving in to clients
    impulsive behavior rather than addressing his complaints because
    there is an underlying demeanor that this activity compromises his
    own free time when not working outside the home

    this is familiar to client since he is frequently exposed to very
    permissive caretaking strategies to limit an adults stressors
    with rare enforcement of any consequences

    coping skills within both the immediate and extended family
    environments are inadequetely developed

    there is a negative interaction pattern developed from parental
    frustrations to behaviors

    ofetn the parents respond to normal 3 yr old behavior with offensive
    style creating a degree of defensiveness on the part of the client

    consequences are not consistently applied there are often empty threats
    parents undermine each other and cloud boundaries...parents rarely
    practice a unified front

    i am so freaking ****** its not even are my parents and we are trying to do the best we can in a stressful situation and she comes in and twists things and makes it sound like we are just stressed out adults who cant handle one little 3 yr old! she got things so wrong...i got this on thursday and its monday and im still seeing red!! shes here for a lousy 3 or 4 hours a week! and im sorry but i havent seen her really do anything with nate...she gets him to repeat rules back to her and she does this thumbs up/thumbs down for good behavior bad behavior, but mostly she just lets him play with her box of toys and does puzles with him. im not gonna take this gonna dispute this whole thing...but i dont want her back here. i really think we just need to take a step back and find our own way to handle nate..maybe if he gets worse when hes in school he may need help again...but until then i really dont want anyone here. and the "stressors" shes referring to...i have fibromyalgia, for almost 12 years now..i havent been doing well lately, i dont know if im in a bad flare or somethings progressing...but i still take damn good care of both these boys, my house is clean, dinner is made, im up with the baby when he gets up at night...i dont get to rest, my hubby thinks hes way more entitled because he works....but i keep going and doing what i gotta do ya i guess that counts for nothing...oh yeah and all this? is on top of taking care of my 11 month old who has some small developmental delays and sensory i have developmental therapy coming every other week for him and occupational
    therapy every week and of course the numerous dr's apts...but hey, im over reacting ya know...and we are all just being mean to nate...hes not hyper or oppositional...and about my hubby..yeah he can be a jerk sometimes, but he is a good dad and has ALWAYS been there for me and the boys and my family no matter what...he just doesnt like her so he tends to show his *** when she's here lol
    i posted this in a vent room and one of the responses i got was this

    Maybe she was seeing actions and behaviors that the family are not seeing. After all noone wants to here they need parenting help. I wouldn't be ******. I would use all the resources they provide to become better parents.

    and this was my reply

    shes not seeing behaviors we dont see..shes taking things that are going on and twisting them! because nate goes upstairs and sees grampa every day she is saying im overly dependent on my extended family and im relying on them for care i cant take care of my own kids! HE WANTS HIS GRAMPA FOR GODS SAKE! and my dad is always happy to see him and play with him! and the consistency sorry but its not my dads job to dicipline him..its mine! yeah he can tell him no dont do that or you cant have that and if he really acts up he sends him back downstairs and i take care of the situation. shes saying that because im stressed out and i have some medical issues that i have impulsive dependency needs and blah blah blah...i know women who have fibro who have not had children at all because they dont think they can handle it....its very hard!! but i still cowboy up and do what i gotta do!! and what you said about not wanting to hear i need parenting help? why do you think we sought out help in the first place! we want the help and we are willing to work and learn...but shes twisting things all around and making it sound like we arent caring for our kids!!
    my other concern is if she says its all us and hes just fine and dandy will he lose the medical assistance?? thats how i get his medication for his sleep...this is such a mess...i didnt get a good vibe when she first came and now i guess i know why....
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I never wanted county services in my house. From my two adoptions and foster care AND having to take my son and daughter to At Risk Help, I didn't find social workers in any way helpful or particularly knowledgeable about our situations or any of our kids. I am sure we got the same sort of reports, but had we read them we would have most likely just tossed them in the trash. We knew that there was a lot more wrong with our son than just "defiance." We knew that if the social workers took him home, they'd be in tears and sleep-deprived and would suddenly have a new perspective on our parenting. And we pretty much relied on our son's actual private professionals to help him and half of them didn't diagnose him right or know what to do. We had to hire a lot of frogs until we found a prince who really helped us.
    Although I realize this is angering, I'd just chalk it up to "She doesn't get it." That's what we did. And, in the end, we were right. I still have the urge to write a letter to our first social worker who said, "Child seems to be in charge." Yeah, well, YOU try it, lady! (actually kid. Most of our social workers were barely old enough to be out of school and had never raised a child, let alone one with a disorder). I perseonally think it's great that Nate is so close to his grandparents. I wouldn't move because a social worker doesn't like it. (((Hugs)))
  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Sorry I missed this, NIS.

    I would have been hopping mad reading that report. Actually, it would have taken far less than that to make me hopping mad. I'd venture a guess that most of us would look pretty dysfunctional if someone came in and took that close of a look at us under a high power microscope!

    I'll tell you what I'd do. Wade through that report and categorize the comments.

    1) Take note of anything that might be accurate which could possibly be contributing to your son's instability. 2) And then look and see if there's anything that could be done about it. For instance, your housing situation isn't likely to change anytime soon and just glancing through your list it doesn't sound like she's too sensitive to the very unique interactions in an extended family living on the same property (we lived with family sometimes growing up so I understand how different it is). Set those aside. We all have to work within some frameworks that aren't likely to change--that's just life.

    There are comments in there which would apply to all of us when we're starting through the process of helping a difficult child child such as there is a negative interaction pattern developed from parental frustrations to behaviors. I don't know where you're at but most of us needed to make changes in this aspect and even when we get it it tends to pop up again from time to time. Ditto with parents rarely
    practice a unified front

    Put in a call to county mental health and find out if medical assistance is contingent on this family assessment/therapy. Most likely there does need to be some sort of ongoing apt but it could easily be a proof of a therapist or doctor meeting with the child every x months and not this whole works.

    Sorry you're having to go through this--very painful, I'm sure.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2008
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I don't blame you for being mad. I would be, too. It's even more frustrating when we try so hard to do the right thing for our kids, then some yo-yo comes along and smacks us a good one. I agree with SRL, check with county mental health.

    I gave up a really good job and came back to this little town so Miss KT would have grandparents close by. Her grandad was the most wonderful person in the universe, and she spent a lot of time over there because she loved him so. Sending you many hugs, some extra strength, and peaceful quiet.