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Really? mother in law, Seriously?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 214068" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm probably too late to say anything, but I have ominous feelings about this... yes, Witz, she SHOULD be getting respite, he SHOULD be using a wheelchair, he SHOULD be eligible for hospice care at least for respite. </p><p></p><p>BUT - it's a generational thing also, and I'm betting mother in law has been quietly enabling him to refuse most or all of these services, and has been slaving hard to keep him happy, without him having to consider 'distasteful' options. I saw my best friend go through this with her parents - no way would they allow A STRANGER into their home to help clean and help cook. No, they could manage fine, thanks (yeah, right). And no way would they eat pre-packaged meals or subsistence rubbish - it's unhealthy to buy frozen food, we'll cook it all ourselves, thank you.</p><p></p><p>What they wanted was for a daughter to move in with them (and suffer the constant verbal abuse) and to do the cleaning for them and to cook meals for them in their own home for every meal. </p><p></p><p>Their food - with her parents, he was a chef and her mother also a good cook. But he had dementia and hearing loss. Her mother was in constant pain and was using alcohol to make it all go away. Her mother was also losing her eyesight and her sense of smell. The combination (plus her father's violent temper) was an explosive combination, but nobody could do anything until there was a disaster. As far as food was concerned, they would cook a meal and put leftovers in the fridge. Eventually. Then later in the week they would get it all out, reheat it and serve it up. leftovers would get packaged up, put back in the fridge. Eventually. This would go on until it was eaten, by which stage the food was often furry. Neither parent had the capability to notice if the food was bad; her father's dementia was too bad, her mother's eyesight and sense of smell was too bad (assuming she was sober).</p><p></p><p>What the daughter tried to do - she tried to set up respite. No way. Then she tried to set up Home Care (government agency cleaner an hour a week, they do what cleaning you ask for). Her father screamed at her that 'no spies' would be allowed in the door.</p><p>Then daughter cooked meals for her parents and packaged them up in the freezer in pre-bought disposable containers. Her parents were very angry with her for filling their freezer with inferior shop-bought meals; they wouldn't believe her when she said it was all homecooking (I saw her do it, I could vouch that it was all fresh home-cooked). My friend did too gooda job on making the meals look good.</p><p>Next time she visited, it was all still there, untouched. her mother said to her, "We don't eat supermarket food." Again my friend explained that these were her own cooking, her parents' favourites. My friend then got some out to reheat and feed her parents who admitted to enjoying them. </p><p>Next visit - it was all still there, untouched. My friend reminded her mother again that it was good food, home-cooked. Next visit - the freezer was empty. her mother said they'd had to throw away a lot of supermarket food.</p><p></p><p>You can't help people who are like this.</p><p></p><p>And your mother in law said that grandpa would love to come and stay with you? I doubt that. I doubt he said anything of the sort, I doubt he's even said he wants to sell his place and move in with mother in law. But maybe they've finally persuaded him.</p><p></p><p>mother in law sounds tired, exhausted emotionally and physically. She needs a break, for sure. </p><p></p><p>BUT - there ARE options and these don't have to include running yourself (or herself) into the ground. Maybe she's too close to the situation and can't see this, but if she's tired and he refuses to go into respite or allow an outside agency to help, then it's time for all concerned to walk away rather than burn themselves out trying to keep him content.</p><p></p><p>So I understand your need to say no, just as I understand her desperation to ask you for help. She needs to talk to your equivalent of the ACAT team (Aged Care and Assessment).</p><p></p><p>We have mother in law in this category also, to a large extent. Thankfully she will allow home care to assist and doesn't want to be a burden on us, but she will never go into a nursing home or a retirement home if she has any say in it. We sat down as a family and worked out ways to live with this and make all our lives easier. Moving her close to us made it easier for us to keep an eye on her and help her, plus helps us make sure she's still enjoying life and has friends.</p><p></p><p>But her generation can be very difficult when it comes to using aids, allowing anyone outside the family to help and in general accessing services. It's selfish, but many would rather a child gave up their profession and career indefinitely, to move home and wait on them hand and foot. In generations past, this was one important reason for having a large family; so ONE of them at least, would be your live-in carer in old age. Unpaid slave. Your mother in law may well have become the unwitting unpaid slave and is desperate for a short rest. It will also aggravate her blinkered approach to your children - if she accepts that you have your hands full, then she has to accept that she can't ask you for help. And she MUST ask you because she is at the end of her tether.</p><p></p><p>See if you can find something to put in place to help them all. Surely Grandpa would prefer that when family visits, it's because they WANT to and not because there are chores?</p><p></p><p>A person who is elderly and frail can stay in his own home if he wants to, as long as he is prepared to make full use of all available resources. NO family should ever be guilted in to doing this stuff.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 214068, member: 1991"] I'm probably too late to say anything, but I have ominous feelings about this... yes, Witz, she SHOULD be getting respite, he SHOULD be using a wheelchair, he SHOULD be eligible for hospice care at least for respite. BUT - it's a generational thing also, and I'm betting mother in law has been quietly enabling him to refuse most or all of these services, and has been slaving hard to keep him happy, without him having to consider 'distasteful' options. I saw my best friend go through this with her parents - no way would they allow A STRANGER into their home to help clean and help cook. No, they could manage fine, thanks (yeah, right). And no way would they eat pre-packaged meals or subsistence rubbish - it's unhealthy to buy frozen food, we'll cook it all ourselves, thank you. What they wanted was for a daughter to move in with them (and suffer the constant verbal abuse) and to do the cleaning for them and to cook meals for them in their own home for every meal. Their food - with her parents, he was a chef and her mother also a good cook. But he had dementia and hearing loss. Her mother was in constant pain and was using alcohol to make it all go away. Her mother was also losing her eyesight and her sense of smell. The combination (plus her father's violent temper) was an explosive combination, but nobody could do anything until there was a disaster. As far as food was concerned, they would cook a meal and put leftovers in the fridge. Eventually. Then later in the week they would get it all out, reheat it and serve it up. leftovers would get packaged up, put back in the fridge. Eventually. This would go on until it was eaten, by which stage the food was often furry. Neither parent had the capability to notice if the food was bad; her father's dementia was too bad, her mother's eyesight and sense of smell was too bad (assuming she was sober). What the daughter tried to do - she tried to set up respite. No way. Then she tried to set up Home Care (government agency cleaner an hour a week, they do what cleaning you ask for). Her father screamed at her that 'no spies' would be allowed in the door. Then daughter cooked meals for her parents and packaged them up in the freezer in pre-bought disposable containers. Her parents were very angry with her for filling their freezer with inferior shop-bought meals; they wouldn't believe her when she said it was all homecooking (I saw her do it, I could vouch that it was all fresh home-cooked). My friend did too gooda job on making the meals look good. Next time she visited, it was all still there, untouched. her mother said to her, "We don't eat supermarket food." Again my friend explained that these were her own cooking, her parents' favourites. My friend then got some out to reheat and feed her parents who admitted to enjoying them. Next visit - it was all still there, untouched. My friend reminded her mother again that it was good food, home-cooked. Next visit - the freezer was empty. her mother said they'd had to throw away a lot of supermarket food. You can't help people who are like this. And your mother in law said that grandpa would love to come and stay with you? I doubt that. I doubt he said anything of the sort, I doubt he's even said he wants to sell his place and move in with mother in law. But maybe they've finally persuaded him. mother in law sounds tired, exhausted emotionally and physically. She needs a break, for sure. BUT - there ARE options and these don't have to include running yourself (or herself) into the ground. Maybe she's too close to the situation and can't see this, but if she's tired and he refuses to go into respite or allow an outside agency to help, then it's time for all concerned to walk away rather than burn themselves out trying to keep him content. So I understand your need to say no, just as I understand her desperation to ask you for help. She needs to talk to your equivalent of the ACAT team (Aged Care and Assessment). We have mother in law in this category also, to a large extent. Thankfully she will allow home care to assist and doesn't want to be a burden on us, but she will never go into a nursing home or a retirement home if she has any say in it. We sat down as a family and worked out ways to live with this and make all our lives easier. Moving her close to us made it easier for us to keep an eye on her and help her, plus helps us make sure she's still enjoying life and has friends. But her generation can be very difficult when it comes to using aids, allowing anyone outside the family to help and in general accessing services. It's selfish, but many would rather a child gave up their profession and career indefinitely, to move home and wait on them hand and foot. In generations past, this was one important reason for having a large family; so ONE of them at least, would be your live-in carer in old age. Unpaid slave. Your mother in law may well have become the unwitting unpaid slave and is desperate for a short rest. It will also aggravate her blinkered approach to your children - if she accepts that you have your hands full, then she has to accept that she can't ask you for help. And she MUST ask you because she is at the end of her tether. See if you can find something to put in place to help them all. Surely Grandpa would prefer that when family visits, it's because they WANT to and not because there are chores? A person who is elderly and frail can stay in his own home if he wants to, as long as he is prepared to make full use of all available resources. NO family should ever be guilted in to doing this stuff. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Really? mother in law, Seriously?
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