Really needing words of strength today..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Wakegirl, Feb 26, 2013.

  1. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    My previous post was that difficult child has moved in with his girlfriends aunt. She's a recovering addict, 10 years clean now, and is willing to give him a chance. Last night was his first night there, and there was already an altercation. difficult child had not seen his girlfriend much in the past 3 weeks. Matter if fact, only once. She wouldn't go around the friends he was hanging out with. So, she picked him up yesterday and took him to her aunts. The first thing he wanted to do when they got there was have sex. Are you freaking kidding me???? Here he is with a brand new start, in her aunts house (and yes, the aunt was there), and that's the first thing on his mind?? Amazes me!!!! The girlfriend got mad, and left. Well, she told her aunt before she left what happened, and the aunt was livid. She read difficult child the riot act. And actually told him to leave. He freaked out. He didn't want to go back to living with his friends that use drugs. She said he literally walked in her bedroom just bawling, got on his hands and knees, and begged her to let him stay. She told me it was the most heart wrenching thing she's seen in a while, and there was no way she could make him leave. She really believes he doesn't want to go back to his old environment. She also said the scene took her back to the day when everybody else had given up on her, and her last resort (in her mind) was to go live in a crack house. All of this breaks her heart. But she said she's going to do her best at keeping him on the right track.

    I learned all of this when difficult child called me and all he kept saying was "I'll have to call you back". He was crying and I could hear her in the background yelling at him. He hung up, and I couldn't get back in touch with him for a while. He finally called back and told me everything was fine, but could I please bring him something to eat. He said he didn't feel comfortable eating their food yet. So, as bad as I felt (I have the flu) I went and got him some dinner and took it by there. He came out to the car, and started crying again, as he walked away. I followed him, and went inside to talk to her. We talked for a good while, and we're on the same page about everything. I really feel like he's at a safe place. She's divorced and has a 9 year old...so she will not put up with any of his antics. He's got a nice bedroom with a place to lay his head every night. He's got someone that has been in his shoes, that wants to see him live a better life. I did tell her that I would give her money to help with food and whatever else. They are taking him today to get a hair cut. Thank goodness!!! My handsome son was really starting to not look like himself. It's been a month since the aunt had seen him, and she said the same thing. She hardly recognized him.

    Before I left, I made sure he was still taking his medicine (antibiotics), and gave him a little pep talk. He seemed so depressed. Didn't say much back to me. He had told his girlfriend earlier that day that he just wants to die. I can handle a lot. I've learned to. But hearing that brings me to immediate tears and makes me want to go get him and give him one more chance here. I know he's feeling so awkward over there. I feel like he really wants away from the drugs. And I feel like, as his mother, I should be the one to help him. He seems so lost, so depressed...and I'm wanting to fix it. Because that's what we parents think we can do...when we really can't. Gosh, this is tough. Heavy heart today.

    On a last note, have I mentioned that his father lives 4 miles from me, and is sitting in his house, remarried, raising his 2 kids, with no worries in the world about his son? That alone kills me. How can any parent not care? I actually blame him for a few of difficult child's problems. I firmly believe that every young boy needs their father to be an active role model in their lives, and my difficult child has never had that. I can't imagine living my life knowing that my father simply doesn't care.

    Off to read some more self help books and nurse this flu. I hope everybody has a blessed day. I'm going to count my blessings, because I know I do have plenty of them. Although hard to see right now.
     
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Many many hugs. You're doing great! Please take care of yourself.
     
  3. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Wanted to add (because my last 2 posts may have been confusing) that he did move in with the aunt yesterday. I thought it was going to be today. But I just hear the news as it comes in. Hard to understand what's going on sometimes when you live as a bystander.
     
  4. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Thank you, Buddy. Having to learn to live for today. Not yesterday or tomorrow. It's a tough lesson!
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your post tugged at my heartstrings because I have been there done that and experienced that awful feeling that you want to scoop him up and take him home and make it OK. I felt that way when difficult child was living with the druggie neighbor boy and she finally contacted me and told me she hated living there. She looked awful and she said she was depressed all the time and wanted to die. I wanted to just tell her to come home and the thought was that she would be so grateful to come back that everything would be better. I knew in my heart it wouldn't be any better but I so wanted it to be.

    He needs to grow up in a hurry. One way to show that is to respect girlfriend's aunt and her house. Typical young man, all they think about is sex. Well that got him into the trouble he's in so now he better learn how to switch gears and figure out how he is going to make this work.

    I have no answers because I am still trying to give my difficult child support while not enable her as she learns how to live independantly. What a shame these kids blow what they had and then find out they are miserable with what they got. There are still times that my heart hurts so badly because I know how difficult child is struggling and it didn't have to be that way.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2013
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I've often heard Dr. Phil say, "You can't give what you don't have." If anyone, our difficult child's, even our easy child's and sometimes ourselves - were put in positions of responsibility either at home or at work that we/they are not equipped to manage, it would be a disaster. Time, training, patience, but most of all - effort by the responsible person - is the deciding factor in success. WE can want it, difficult child's girlfriend's aunt can want it for him, you can want it for him, but HE needs a combination of latent ability and burning desire - he has to want it more than anyone. Crying and falling on his knees will work with auntie for a while, but that will get old, and he must show sincere effort. Promises are just words until they're backed up by results. He is lucky to have the support he is being given. It is so tough to be a supportive spectator when it's your child. Big bear hugs to you.
     
  7. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    Big hugs. Hang in there! I agree, you are doing great! I am in a similar situation with my difficult child, as he is currently in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and hates it, and all I want to do it take him home and hope he is better. But luckily, even though our HEARTS think that we can help make them better, our MINDS know that things won't change if we swoop in and try to "help". So we just watch, wait, pray, and come here for support.
    I know the guilt and pain you are feeling. I hope you know in your heart that you really ARE helping him, by letting him stay where he is, and work things out for himself.
    Stay strong!!
     
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member


    I think your son was testing the waters, both with his girlfriend, and with her aunt. Both stood up to him immediately. Because of their strength, your son was able to reach into the best part of himself, the part that wants to be healthy and free, again. I know this part is so hard to walk through. I think you're a wonderful mom. You are doing the hardest thing, however much it hurts you, because you know it is best for your son.

    He must be an amazing boy, to have so many people love him so much.

    Barbara
     
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