Really, really bad teachers' mtng

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    They were nice.
    But clear.
    If difficult child misses one more day of school between now and Dec. 7, he gets kicked out.
    If he has any more absences ie. dr appointment, he must have a signed dr's note. (I rarely take him to the dr. Didn't even take him for the flu. Why pay $ for the obvious? And he drives me nuts because he won't take pain medications for headaches, and he continues to find milk products outside of our house and eat them, and then have a stomach ache the next day.)
    He must complete 90% of his homework.
    He must be separated from his classmates at lunch. (He's been eating wheat and lying about it. I found a bunch of old lunches in his locker and it smelled oh! so good. NOT.)
    He is flunking all but one core class.

    Maybe it's best that he attend public school and get an IEP. But he told easy child that his goal was to flunk out of this private school so he could go to school with-his friends. I don't want to give him what he wants.
    If he's got an IEP, chances are, he'll only have about 1/2 the same classes with-his friends, anyway, so maybe that's okay.

    There are Special Education schools here but they are 1 hr away and very expensive. I'm not sure if we could handle the commute, because we are landlocked, and if the bridges are raised, or the tunnels have car crashes, the cars get backed up all day and I just don't have the patience for that.

    I am assuming, as you can see, that no matter how we lower the boom, difficult child will not be up to par on Dec. 7. It's just as well. I don't think the teachers really "get" what Asperger's is.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, manipulation or not it sounds to me like you have gotten into a mode of a "battle of wits". My suggestion is to forget that and remember the objective- which is for him to get thru school as successfully as possible. I think if it was me, I'd put him back in public school. I haven't tried having my son in private school- I probably would have if I could've afforded it. But, it probably would have had these results and I've heard that difficult child's don't always do so well in private school. If the only reason that you don't want to switch him to public school is that you don't want him to "win", my recommendation is to hang up that fight- it's his life and his education after all. But that's just my 2 cents. This wouldn't be the battle I would choose.

    ETA: I think that probably came across a lot harsher than I meant it. I do understand you being frustrated and know how easy it is sometimes to feel the need to let our kids know what they MUST do. I just don't see any way you can win this one- and I think it might have gotten into a battle or isn't meeting his needs and the focus is no longer on the overall objective- which is his education.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    His goal is to flunk out of school?? Nice goal.

    Does he have any other goals for his life? Any ideas for his future? Does he understand that "flunking to be with his friends" is probably not the best way to get what he wants?

    And, if that really is his goal--then no matter how many meetings are held between well-meaning teachers and loving parents--his academic performance will continue to be miserable.

    So sorry...this really hoovers.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just curious. What's so bad or unusual about a twelve year old wanting to be with his friends rather than a strict private school that he probably feels doesn't meet his needs? Does he fit in there? Do the other kids include him?

    I know my own kids hated private school because they had a lot of trouble there and could not conform to it and the school would NOT conform to them. I'm not sure why it's negative for him to want to be with his friends. in my opinion that's a good sign for an Aspie, many who have NO friends.

    At any rate, if he wants to leave, he'll find a way to get kicked out and in my opinion it's a good idea to start thinking about an IEP and getting a school advocate to get good services for him.

    Good luck :tongue:
  5. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    My daughter is texting with her friends about a plot to get moved out of her new public school to go back to her old private school. It is hard to adjust to a new school.

    I know you can't do much about it, if they kick him out.

    I would be furious about the diet cheating. I come down very hard on my daughter when I find out she has been cheating. I can tell by the way she acts. Her privileges all stop. I know it is hard but I want her to see how hard her life would be if she continued to eat those foods that make her into a mentally unstable difficult child. They have to buy into it themselves, unfortunately.

    I had such high hopes for your difficult child when he started his diet. I'm sorry it isn't working out.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    nice goals.....

    I'm not sure there is anything you can at this point to keep him in this school. Unfortunately, he's going to get what he wants. However, it may not really turn out better for him because "the grass is always greener" is usually always wrong.

    Sorry Terry, I know this has been a struggle. I'm sorry he has burned the bridge.

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry Terry, I know you were really hoping this would be good school for difficult child. Sending hugs your way.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    it may not really turn out better for him because "the grass is always greener" is usually always wrong.

    I agree, LDM. And I can put my response to you and MWM in the same sentence: what's wrong with-wanting to be with-his friends instead of a strict Catholic school is that he will not be with-his friends if he's got an IEP at our zoned public school. Once they find out he's got an IEP, they will shun him. He has already been shunned by the neighborhood kids because of the issues last yr. His circle of friends becomes smaller every day.
    MWM, he doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. Want a huge house? Buy it. Ooops, gotta pay the mortgage. He just doesn't "get it."

    We all want things we can't have. But we don't all sabotage our lives to get those things.

    Hope, how funny that your daughter is doing the opposite. But it doesn't matter whether it's a strict Catholic school or a lax public school (in a kid's opinion), it's just that the grass is always greener, as LDM pointed out.

    At this point, I'm almost hoping he flunks out. I am exhausted. The teachers are exhausted.
    Is difficult child exhausted? Nope.
    We can save a lot on tuition, if nothing else.

    by the way, if he thinks Catholic school is strict, wait until I make him wear a collared shirt to public school every day and STILL make him do his homework. Just because he doesn't care doesn't mean that I don't. I'm tired, not stupid.

    We told him tonight about the teacher's mtng. He was devastated. Apparently he really didn't mean it when he told easy child that his goal was to flunk out.
    We warned him over and over. We warned him last Christmas, when he was failing at the other private school, where ALL of his friends were.
    We warned him when he started to slip at the new school.
    The teachers warned him.
    "But I didn't take it seriously," he said.
    "You've got one month," we answered.
    He ran to his room.
    1/2 hr later, I checked on him, expecting total chaos.
    He was fast asleep.
  9. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Terry, I'm sorry.

    I totally understand the exhaustion.

    I don't have any really great advice. Just (((hugs))).
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I'm still puzzled and wondering if you are overreacting. My daughter has an IEP and is probably one of the most popular girls at school. My son has an IEP and has friends.

    I don't really understand why public school is bad for a "differently wired" kid especially since you say they don't "get" Aspergers where he is at. Is he getting any specific interventions for Aspergers?

    I'm personally not a fan of schools just for one disorder either...I think you should let him try public school. This private school has been a disaster for him just as Catholic School was a disaster for both of my kids the three years they went.

    But everyone is different and I respect your opinion. Anyhoooo, good luck, whatever you decide to do. But don't be so sure an IEP is the social kiss of death. It certainly isn't here.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Terry probably isn't overreacting. It's the other kids who often overreact. different areas/different schools can me light years apart in responses to this sort of thing. For us - the local school was a nightmare, the highway school was brilliant. The IEP thing and the autism led to difficult child 3 being shunned at the local school, except for the kids wanting to use him as a punching bag. But at the highway, he had friends.

    My own view here - he's failnig anyway. Terry, you think he could be better off anyway at the public school. If you wait and he succeeds in failing out, then there is more chance that he might see it as a reward (even though he is now saying it's not really ewhat he ants). But if you move him now, you pre-empt the reward factor.

    Frankly, the demand over the homework is, I think, unrealistic. For ANY kid on the spectrum especially one who needs medications during the day to cope. These kids need a break from schoolwork, school is really hard work for them (even if they don't appear to be working - it is still hard work, jsut trying to get through the day without raging). If these kids are coping with homework, then great. But if they're not, what is to be gained by forcing it all the more?

    It sounds to me like the private school is trying to force your square peg to fit into a round hole.

    Move him now. It will save a lot of time and trouble.

  12. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    My difficult child was 12 when I withdrew him from private school (rather than have an expulsion on his record) and he went to public school for the first time in his life. He hasn't done well at public school either and I think it unlikely he'll graduate. I hope he gets a GED instead.

    There are other options like Job Corps as well. I think sometimes we forget that it is only very recently that all children were expected to graduate from high school. Our current educational system, based on an outmoded factory model, does not suit everyone.
  13. Terry,

    I'm so sorry about this and I am sending hugs.

    When you mentioned that you checked in on difficult child and he was... asleep. Well, that sounds just like our difficult child. These kind of things just don't bother him at all.

    We tried both public and private school. Neither of them really worked for difficult child, but the public school HAD to work with us and they HAD to accommodate. As you know, private schools do as they wish.

    Jeppy, I am completely with you on the "outmoded factory model". We have so far to go with our educational system as it only hits the top of the bell curve, the middle of the road. Every other student suffers along.

    Terry, we despaired daily when our difficult child was 12. husband thought he would "grow out of it", and I was planning for the GED route. But lots and lots of work on our part , with some grudging assistance from the school system, got difficult child through the obstacle course. Hang in there, some work and some time may get you all there!

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like he could make it in a mainstream class with an IEP- if that's the case, chances are the other kids would never know he was on an IEP. And, at least here, by the time these kids are in 7th grade or higher so many have been on an IEP that other kids are not so cruel about it anymore. It can really help relieve some issues- like homework, how to handle situations at school district, etc.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    No fair, Marg! You beat me to it! LOL.

    Yes, I am going from experience here. The good thing is that difficult child loves football and that will give him an "in." And maybe the IEP won't be as obvious as I think. I can only wait and see.

    I don't know how much of it is that he can't deal with-doing the homework, or that he is so addicted to his PS2 and computer games. Strangely enough, we only allow him 1 hr a day, but he is still addicted. He spends the remaining time harassing us and following us around and it's a constant battle. He is so persistent! In regard to his addiction, iIt's sort of like AA. He has even admitted he can't control himself and doesn't know how. He says his friends aren't really his friends ... they're just together to play PS2. (Pretty insightful! No wonder they never want to come over to our house, even though we have almost 4 acres on the water. BO-ring!)
    At any rate, he will rage or at least posture as though he is going to when we take away the PS2 and still tries to grab it out of our hands. We've gone over that topic in therapy many times.
    Now that it's totally disassembled and he has nothing to tempt him (we separated the components and hid them), and he knows that the ban will last at least until Dec. 7, he has been remarkably good at not arguing about it or harassing us. Probably because he knows that the teachers and his parents are all on the same page and he knows how serious it is now.

    I'd never thought of that.
    I'm sitting here blinking.
  16. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Terry, I had a similar "move him now" reaction. If he's not doing well and there's little hope for improvement, I'd stop wasting time and money on what's not working and do a pre-emptive strike. The other thing you want to take into consideration is that it often takes a number of months to get an IEP in place in public schools. If your son already had an IEP and were transferring in the IEP would stay in place until a new one could be written but as it stands now he would transfer with no supports or services in place and few legal protections. If he transfers it would be so much better for him to have been through the evaluation process and on day 1 to walk into school with whatever goals, accomodations, etc are seen fit for him.

    Have you given any consideration to some sort of residental placement?
  17. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I moved my son from the private school he and easy child attended to public school when he was in kindergarden. I am a product of private school and easy child attended private school until high school.

    However, after three years in this private school (where his sister excelled) it was painfully apparent that my son would never be totally comfortable there. The way I described it back then was that they wanted little soilders all lined up in a box and my difficult child would never fit in that box! Moving him to public school was the best thing I ever did for difficult child! He struggled, the teachers struggled, I struggled - in hindsight I wished I have taken him out of there the first year.

    Fortunately, my difficult child doesn't have a memory of all the times he got in trouble (at least four bad days a week), the times he got blamed just because he was difficult child, the different way the teachers related to him, etc.......

    klmno has a really good point. By the time high school arrives, many of the students have had an IEP for some reason or another. If his IEP gives him a few mods and accoms, the others will probably never know. If it includes some special classes, it's not as big a deal as we parents think it is.

    The only issue I think your son would have is being the new kid. I know you say many of his friends attend the public school, but perhaps an outing to laser quest or something like that would be a good starting place before he starts there. Social bonding goes a long way for making a kid feel part of the group.

  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's what I mean by the kids don't care if you have an IEP, at least in our school. First of all, little kids are different than older kids who understand better. My son never had any issue with having an IEP nor did my daughter. Nobody even ever brought it up to them. They know a lot of even "cool" kids (like my daughter) have IEP's. It's not a biggie. At least not here. And this is a pretty conservative town in Wisconsin. I don't think anyone thinks about it in relation to either of my kids.

    Secondly, my son and daughter were blamed for their own problems in Catholic School and the staff was nasty about it. They didn't really "believe" in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son did not learn ONE THING in three years. He was confused by all the noise, the large classes, and, because he's tall and they were inflexible, always sitting in back of the class. He couldn't concentrate at all back there. They did have a nun take my son and daughter out for extra tutoring 45 min. three times a week, and we appreciated that, but it was not enough to move especially my son ahead. And he's extremely bright (always makes the honor roll now).

    My daughter has more academic struggles than my son although she is a real social hit. She was made into a "bad kid" at Catholic School. She was "not trying." It wasn't true. The parents of the kids there were very snobbish (not saying it's like that at YOUR school, but it was at ours). One tried to get my daughter kicked out because she was on partial scholarship. The kids did not include her because the parents didn't think we were rich enough. I heard enough about this from more compassionate parents.

    Both are happy to be out of there. Some kids can fit into a school where you have to conform to the "nth" and some just can not do it. In that case, in my opinion, it's best to try something else. I'm not a big fan of specialized schools, such as "they all have autism" "They all have behavior problems" etc. That's just my own biased dislike, however I think my son learned A LOT about socializing at public school. He has a table of friends...he smiles and tells me "We're the geeks" (the smart kids). He is also allowed to do his homework in school so we never have homework issues and have peaceful nights at home that are calm and nurturing to both kids. There was nothing fun about World War III over homework :faint::tongue:. Good luck!
  19. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Sounds to me that what difficult child wants is besides the point. If the point of making choices for their best interests is actually making steps to meet their interests, you have already stated that the current private school is not meeting his needs. Any school not working with you due to his Aspergers and what it creates in terms of needing services at school, isn't going to be a right fit for a child with Aspergers. its a no brainer really.

    I totally understand that it might become a problem if kids learn he has an IEP. but part of IEP development is working with staff as a PARENT with a say. You can make provisions to ensure, due to those specific concerns, that help at school via his IEP is not blatant, and not in difficult child's face, nor in the other students face.

    I also have to say, I would think a private school where he doesn't want to be, a school where his friends are not, a school that doesn't meet his special needs, has already become not the right option.

    The fact of the matter is, as much as it hoovers, your child is different, as are all of the children that have brought us together here on this site. Our children are going to be different in the adult world. They are going to face some kids who label them and don't respect them as people as they should. They will face this as adults and part of helping these kids has got to be helping them learn to cope for their adult years, with the ugly people of the world. We should also keep in mind that our non difficult child kids can face the same social problems anyhow. My easy child is a COMPLETE easy child. She's a wonderful kid. She is bullied. She has few, if any "real" friends. Socially, there is no real reason she isn't making friends. I do know though, that for her, her difficult child brother had no problem making friends even with the entire school body knowing his problems and witnessing them. then his easy child sister has none of those issues and gets treated miserably at school. It isnt' always the kids we expect that have problems socially at school.

    In the end, it sounds like whatever the resolution becomes, this school isn't it. It doesn't work with you and difficult child in working with his diagnosis and that is never going to be the right environment.

    I do wish you the best of luck. Making tough choices like this is always a case for us parents of not knowing which boat to float at any given time. We want the best for our kids. Sometimes we have to take the good with the bad. I think for me, I'd prefer to help difficult child cope with problems socially at school, rather than coping with his education failing him because the school doesn't work with him. School ends and childhood friendships disolve. Education is the key to a future and for me anyhow, would be the deciding factor. Not that I'd ignore the social concerns, but that would be part of what I'd anticipate a school with a IEP would consider in working with your family.
  20. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Terry, you've received a lot of good advice so I'm just sending a gentle {{{hug}}}.