Really, really, REALLY need your help. Falling apart. Son's marriage related.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Aug 25, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Those of you who read my posts know my son feels his marriage may be falling apart and I am glad to be his support system and to try to help him. Well...I was better able to do this until I found out that my daughter-in-law HATES me. I am in tears just thinking about it. Hate is such a strong word, and I didn't intentionally do anything to make her hate me.

    When my grandson George was born, I noticed that he wasn't making good eye contact. At the same time, he wasn't very old and I realized I was being foolish. I teasingly told my daughter J., who was babysitting for George at the time, to check out his eye contact so that she could tell me I was all wet and make me feel better. Unfortunately, J. made the big mistake of telling daughter in law what I said, having no idea that daughter in law would freak out. She just figured everyone would laugh at "nervous mom" and that would be that.

    I got a very nasty call from daughter in law that my son agreed to let her do. I was horrified at her call--I had meant NO harm, I love my grandson with every breath I have, and I hadn't said anything to daughter in law anyways. She didn't see my demeanor or hear the sound of my voice. She yelled at me that this was what she was afraid of--that I'd be looking for something to be wrong with George. My son backed her up, but I figured, well, she's his wife and they have to remain a team. But I got so upset over my daughter in law's words that I spent a few days suicidal and a step from the hospital. I don't remember how I finally calmed down, but this is NOT how I usually am. I normally have my anxiety disorder/mood disorder under great control...but this was me getting reamed out for something...I didn't mean it malicously, nor even particulary seriously. Ok, fast forward...

    The next time we visit the grown kids in Illinois we stay with son and daughter in law. daughter in law is rude and unfriendly to everyone, including my 85 year old father, my sister, my younger kids, everyone. They ALL brought it up to me. When I asked if I could take George for a stroll around the block, she said, in a tight voice, "He needs to be by ME now." Yeah, ok. Meanwhile, her own family is with him all the time. Fast forward again.

    We come in for a weekend and I am playing happily with adorable, precious, perfect George and he spills a drink. Well, hello, it's MY fault because I played with him near the drink (which I hadn't seen). She acted very ticky, accused me of being at fault, and whisked him out of the house. Everyone was stunned after she left. And I barely got to see him. Again. When son asks her about it, she blames it on the fact that I live three hours away, however if this was HER mother, she'd call her every day, send pictures, drive him up to see her etc. In fact the entire family drove to WI to spend time together "so he can get to know his grandmothers" (this is her mom and stepmother). She sure never invited me. Not that I expected it. Now the problem:

    I desperately needed somebody to talk to about this because I am trying to help my son cope with his marriage and possibly be his sounding and venting board so that he can take things out on ME instead of HER. He really loves her and wants to stay with her and, loving him, I want what HE wants. At the same time, my daughter told met hat she was told that daughter in law HATES me. HATES. I am flabbergasted. That's a very strong word. I did nothing to deserve her hate. I tried to be nice to her when she first joined our family. SHe would call me when she was upset and I would try to help her and be neutral. I told her I loved her. I always praise how good a mother she is. Because of the one misconstrued thing she heard I'd said about George, she HATES me, and, trust me, she acts like she does. I have been so sad since hearing this. So sad. So how can I help my son try to save his marriage when I am so sad about this and when I truly do not LIKE this woman because of how she feels about me and also because I think she's playing nasty games with my son's head? But back to me, she will NEVER allow me to be George's grandma and my son will probably never force the issue either, although maybe he will (I could be catastrophizing here...I have a tendency to do that). I can't talk to her about this. My son has begged me not to talk to her about anything, and I am respecting his wishes. I don't want to make his marriage worse by injecting myself into it as another factor.

    I never want to see daughter in law again, but, of course, I will. It will be hard to be pleasant, but I'll be civil when we cross paths. As for George, I'm afraid to even pay attention to my precious grandson anymore. What if he breaks something? It will be my fault. I am emotionally detaching from him, which is sad. I waited so long for a grandchild and wanted one badly.

    So I have questions for you wise moms.

    1/How do I support my son's gallant fight for his marriage to a woman I can't stand? What do I say? How do I keep my animosity out of it? Trust me, the marriage is in trouble.

    2/How can I get over the hurt? The serenity prayer?

    3/Any suggestions on how to put all this into perspective?

    Right now I feel like taking my loving hub and two kids still at home with me and moving as far away from this situation as I can, because it hurts so much. Alaska sounds nice :) But that would hurt my kids, who love it in Wisconsin, and that would limit my contact with my precious daughter J. who lives in Illinois and is a blessing to our entire family. Plus I also like her boyfriend. He's like another son. So I can't run away, as much as I'd like to. Also, I do desperately love my son M. I just am very hurt by his wife and so sad that I can't have contact with my grandchild.

    All free association thoughts :tongue: as well as advice, perspectives, anything is welcome. I am living on Clonazapen as I realize that this woman HATES me. The mother of my grandchild hates me, and there is nothing I can do about it, but the hurt is so deep. I already lost my son from Hong Kong. Now this. For those who wonder, I do have a therapist and she will help me, but we don't have an appointment. for a long time. I'm hoping I can get in on a cancellation.

    Thanks in advance. This is really weighing me down. I don't like being hated, and don't think anyone has ever said he/she hates me before. :(
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Just my opinion here, but this is what I would do...... I wouldn't get involved in ANY issue between your DS and daughter in law and do nothing more but let DS vent to you, without offering an opinion or saying anything negative about his wife. BUT, I would tell DS that I wanted a congenial (if it can't be "likable") relationship with daughter in law and I would write her a letter. Not a mushy, apologetic letter and not a letter full of negativity. I would just say that I would like to try to mend some fences and have a better relationship and that I am concerned that some of the conflict might be due to a misunderstanding (not mentioning anything about anyone relaying stories), and explain the situation about your typical grandmother reactions regarding your grandson's eyesight. No accusations and no defensiveness- just trying to improve a relationship and clarify possible misinterpretations.

    That's just what I would do because whether they stay married or not, it is not a good thing to have conflict between you and daughter in law if you can help it. As my son suggested to me lately ( :) ), sometimes communicating thru letters is much more effective. If this could open the door for her to get some concerns off her chest to you regarding your all's relationship, it could go a long way in changing the attitudes that are standing in the way of you having a better situation with your grandson.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's a good idea for the future. Right now he wants me to not communicate with her at all, and until I get the green light, I'm not going to contact her. She is NOT the most understanding person in the world. I've talked to her and thought she was over this.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I really, truly think you need to get over the whole "hate" thing. Your attitude needs to be well, so what? (and yes, I really do know what I'm talking about--my family has so many members that hate each other, and me, over nothing or over minor, stupid stuff--it's really ridiculous).... I mean your life goes on whether this woman likes you or not....

    And if you can truly develop a "so what" attitude about the "hate" stuff--eventually, your daughter in law will probably come around. If she's a viscious, nasty and vengeful person, at the very least she will need to visit with you to get some new material to complain about. So what? At least you got a visit. And if her attitude and disrespectful snubbing doesn't seem to bother you it will only irritate her more.

    If she never comes what?

    If she does eventually come around...great--but hey, you're not going to bend over backwards for her.

    Move to Alaska if it will make you feel better. Why not? Nothing is stopping you. But don't move out of a sense of spite--daughter in law will never know that you are trying to spite her anyway.

    As for your son? Be there for him. He loves you and always will. If his wife cannot bear to be a part of your family anymore? So what?

    He deserves better and so do you....

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    FANTASTIC advice. Thank you.
    I don't think she is vengeful or anything like that, but she is overly sensitive, holds grudges, doesn't accept apologies sometimes, and plays games/lies for her own advantage, which is what I'm afraid she's doing to my son.
    If it wasn't for my grandson I wouldn't care if she loathed me with the passion of a thousand suns. But I guess I can't control that either. Lately I've thought of fostering younger girls. That would help me get over my mothering need, help a needy child, and let me fawn attention on a different young child.
    Keep it coming :)
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahhh...sigh. My daughter in law and I could well be in this same situation but I dont think we will ever let it get that far. I am a big enough person to cave first and just give in. Everyone else in the family knows she is nuts. She also wants her kids to have a grandmother and even if her mom was still alive, I got along great with her mom so that wouldnt have been a problem. Maybe you should try to make friends with your daughter in law's family and just bypass daughter in law.

    At this point daughter in law is convinced that you are looking for any and all problems possible with George and that you are going to invent ones. You have to convince her that this is untrue. This may mean remarking often and loudly to your son in her presence how remarkable George is at some specific milestones. Say...oh wow...he is talking so well or he is kicking a ball so early isnt he? Something that she can hang on.

    As far as getting over it, you just have to do it. Dont get so caught up into your sons relationship. I have made that mistake several times and it only gets me upset and stressed out. By the time I get myself all riled up, they are usually back to being all lovey dovey again and I am left all Now I just let it go in one ear and out the other.
  7. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Sorry this is going on and troubling you.

    I've kind of been in a situation like this. My cousin, who was like a sibling to me, was common law with a man for many years. They had a child together who I adored. Anyhow, this man, he was manipulative and quite spiteful in his own sneaky way. He made it uncomfortable for our family and it was, over time, difficult to be around him. BUT we all loved my cousin. And she was with him for as long as she wanted to be. Meaning we had to put HER first. And put our feelings of dislike or hurt regarding HIM, aside. I will admit that there was some venting conversations within the family over the years. Often for the final couple of years. We struggled with being around him and remaining classy and dignified towards him.

    But we did it. We made a family decision that we would NOT cause me hurt to my cousin. So we put on smiles when needed, made small talk with him, treated him as extended family. My cousin several times either seperated from him, or was openly contemplating doing so. Throughout those periods, NONE of us entered an opinion. We expressed love for my cousin and our support in whatever happened in her relationship so long as it was what SHE wanted. We of course wanted to say SOMETHING, but we chose not to.

    It took my cousin near a decade to move on from this man, who obviously didn't love her properly, and he used their child as a pawn with her and all of us as well. It hurt to see her hurt. To see her son be weaponized. However in the end, relationships like this usually fail. And when that happened, my cousin knew her family surrounded her and her son with love and support and that we also respected her choices (staying so long with this man) as her choices to make.

    I think that you should try to help yourself understand that yes, your son married this woman. And yes, she's the mother of your grandchild. But we live in a world where no way in hades will we like everyone, nor will everyone like us. Your son picked her, she picked him. You weren't part of them falling for each other and you won't be part of the reason if they fall apart. Right? Right!!

    I imagine it is difficult to have negative feelings from her towards you and quite honestly, I'd feel pretty hurt and not so "in like" with her myself at this stage. But it is what it is. And you can't change her anymore than your son can, and it seems he wish he could for the sake of his marriage.

    If I were you, I'd simply work on myself, on coming to terms with who this women is and that she isn't close to you in your life. You are doing right from what I've read, in terms of being there as a mother for your son without steering him one way or another.

    Its a sad fact that this isn't allowing you to be as close to your grandson as possible. I for one, would make a calm and non judgemental statement, to your son. basic point being: "I love you son. I love my grandchild. I respect your marriage and whatever decision you make regarding this. I realize your wife isn't crazy about me but I do not want that to interfere with our relationship or prevent me from being a loving grandparent to grandchild."

    Then i would leave the ball in his court. I bet that since he feels her wandering off from the marriage path, and given his desire to try to save the marriage, he is probably not going to rock any boat with her right now. Not even in defense of his mother. We all know that we love our parents but as adults, we often have to put our partners first, after all we plan to spend our lifetimes with our partners and as adults, our parents are less involved in our day to day lives. But your son will know the spirit of your heart and your hopes for him, his wife, your grandchild. It will mean a TON to him.

    Be strong and keep on living your life. She is! And although it is difficult to perhaps not see your grandchild as often as you'd like, I'd just do what you can in that area and enjoy the time you do have with him.

  8. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'd go one step further and suggest that son do his venting to a marriage counselor instead of Mom/mother in law.

    I'm sure this is very painful but the bottom line is that as Mom/mother in law you can't fix this. If he wants to save his marriage he needs to do his talking to someone like a therapist who might be able to help fix it.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Going to agree with SRL here. Let him vent to a counselor. If he tells you all the awful stuff his wife does and they stay married, it will drive a wedge between you.
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Yep...step out of the picture and let them work it out. I know that is easier said than done. But, if you intervene, you'll end up on the wrong side of everyone.

    Wish things were easier.

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting.

    I echo what the others have said. Wish I were as clever and full of advice, but all I can do is agree.

    Step back and try to get your mind on other things. Is Clonezapan the same thing as Xanax? I'd go to a talk therapist, too, because they often have great ideas.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Awe, MWM, what a mean and horrible thing to deprive a child of a good grandparent! I sort of know how you feel. Even now, years after the divorce, my ExSIL tries to keep me out of things with my parents. Like birthday gatherings, etc...

    Right after they got married exsil told me that within a year she would have me out of my parents life because she was the only daughter that they (my parents) needed or wanted.

    It felt like I was kicked by a mule!!She went on to do stuff that could be chalked up to 'miscommunication' and make me look hypersensitive.

    I cannot imagine my kids doing that to me. just cannot.

    Let son vent to a counsellor. If you can afford to help him pay for it that is good as long as daughter in law doesn't find out. He should also check with HR to see if they have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). the EAP will usually pay for the first 3 sessions with a therapist. Employers are NOT told who uses the service or why anyone used it.

    I don't know what the family history is, but it almost sounds like drunken behavior. Or being on a really mean high. Maybe AlAnon would help him? Maybe he can tell her it is because he has a grandfather who was an alcoholic and he needs to do this so he can ensure that he won't start to develop alcoholism or tell her it is so you can check the facilities out because you are helping HR so employees can get a bus to lunchtime meetings. Or just find one with a lunch meeting.

    Let your son know you support him no matter what and you will enjoy talking to him about george, etc... but he needs to see a therapist and maybe AlAnon .

    Make sure that you are loving and positive for now.

    Then go find out what your rights are as a grandparent!

    I just googled grandparents rights wisconsin law and got this site:

    It is written in English as opposed to lawyerish. It has a lot of very clear info on the topic, but you also need to look into when it was written.

    I am so very sorry. I wish I could say I hope she straightened out because of all of this. But she won't. She will continue to push it until the child is 21.

    Be sure to check other sites on your rights. Kids need all the love they can get.

    If you just cannot stand it, maybe you could foster puppies one at a time?

    Lots of hugs my friend!
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  13. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    Your son's situation is full of complex emotions. It sure sounds like this would be a good time for him to enlist the services of a professional counselor. This might also help you meet your own needs regarding health and sanity.
  14. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I used to have a shirt that said, "Don't harrass the crazy person" (meaning me). Right now, for all practical purposes, your daughter in law is the crazy person. Keep that in your thoughts; it makes difficult people easier to deal with.

    If your son says he wants you to have no communication with her, I would respect his wishes. Listen to him if he wants to vent, but don't put yourself in the position of making him "choose" between his wife and his mother.

    As far as daughter in law "hating" you, so what? Maybe, when she sees how supportive you can be, she'll get over it. Maybe not, but in either case all you can do is be on your best behavior and try not to rattle her cage. I wouldn't get too hung up on the word "hate." During my time I have hated a few people but I also hate cooked spinach, fried liver, cold weather, country music singers who whine, a couple of Presidents, and a lot of other stuff. Hate is a word that can be devastating but it can also be a catch-all word that we use when we really aren't expressing ourselves very well. Don't let it become the major thing you think of when you think of her.

    If son stays married to her, kill her with kindness because you're going to have to put up with her anyway so you might as well make the best of it. If he does not stay married to her, kill her with kindness anyway, because of the grandchild. Either it will win her over or it will drive her crazy wondering what you're up to. Can't lose either way.

    Two things I've learned: (1) you can't pick who your kids marry. (2) you can't control other people; you can only control your reaction to them.

    Take a deep breath and let things work themselves out however they will. You can only do the best you can. After that, you just sit back and hope for the best.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I got one pick on who one son was going to marry but I took a very grave chance that could have gone either way when I drew my line in the sand. Thankfully, it went my way and I knew I used up my "mommy picks" from there on in. He should have asked me on the next wife but I refused to even make a I figured he should have been smarter.

    I have always said that with sons it truly is like that old adage. Daughters are daughters for the rest of their lives but sons are a son until they take a wife. Now Jamie has still been really close to us but both Crystal and now Billie seem to be quite jealous of that fact. In fact, Crystal, the first wife, would start horrible screaming arguments the minute Jamie answered a phone call from one of us. God forbid he actually called us himself. She was like a toddler who couldnt stand to have the parent be on the phone. She would scream and hit him and throw things at him. He simply couldnt stay on the phone for more than 5 minutes at a time.

    Now with Billie...I hear complaint after complaint about what Jamie hasnt done, what his faults are, how he hasnt come home from work in the middle of the day to change Haillie, yada yada. She will scream at the top of her lungs for him to come "do something with your child" while Haillie is screaming Conversations are oh so pleasant! Jamie has invested in his own cell phone so I mostly call him on that or his work cell....giggles! I rarely call their combo phone unless I really want to talk to the family. Haillie rarely wants to talk to us other than to say bad words.
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    You are in a tough spot, but not an impossible one. It is a matter of attitude and choices. LIke someone else mentioned, perhaps the best thing to do is to be strong and "live your life." She is doing this, you can too. It only fuels the fire if you are angry. Carefully guarding your emotions and words, will bring great rewards. When you speak with- your son, temper your emotions. Try very hard not to speak dispargingly about this woman. Try to avoid speaking about her at all. If you MUST speak about her or to her, speak briefly and in a kind manner. Make it REAL...make it believable! Just blank it all out if need be. In the mean time, move forward with your life in a happy, fun manner. If and when your son sees you as a happy and fun mom, he will be more likely to defend you if and when that might be appropriate behind closed doors (although don't think about this, ask about it or concern yourself with these things). What is your concern is your life, your happiness and keeping communication open with your son.

    In the words of Muttmeister:
    (1) you can't pick who your kids marry. (2) you can't control other people; you can only control your reaction to them.

    Amen sister!
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Muttmeister said what I wanted to say.

    You described your daughter in law as "she is overly sensitive, holds grudges, doesn't accept apologies sometimes, and plays games/lies for her own advantage".

    So if she is so touchy, I doubt very much that you are the only person on her hate list. You're probably not even anywhere near the top. I do wonder if she is at the top of her own list, frankly.

    So she says she hates you. Why does this mean you have to dislike her back? Once we start doing that, we create increasing conflict. Nothing positive is achieved.

    Of course you need to insulate yourself against further hurt form her, but you can do that NOT by telling yourself you dislike her back, but by liking yourself more, to compensate. If Person A hates you but Person B and Person C love you, then overall, you are at least well-liked (law of averages). And if you also know that Person A is difficult to get on with, then this devalues any opinion Person A might express, in terms of liking/disliking anybody.

    I know there are people who dislike me. Right now I'm involved in conflict with a woman I know who I have to work with. Normally I would roll over and not make a fuss, but she finally trod on my toes too hard and I have hit back. I still like this woman but I don't trust her any more. And she is being very kind to me suddenly, saying nice things (to stop me walking away and leaving her with a mess to clean up) but I suspect underneath it all, she absolutely loathes me now (because I stood up to her) and will be glad to see the back of me when she can afford to have me off the scene.
    But her behaviour towards me and other people tells me that her opinion about me is irrelevant. She will undoubtedly blacken my name with her friends, but if they have to be told what to think then I won't value their opinion of me anyway.

    If I let this upset me, then I am letting it waste my time and my energy.

    Trouble is, in your case this impacts on your son and your grandson. Unfortunatelt, there really is nothing you can do about this. The best you can do is stay right out of it. If daughter in law finds out that her husband is venting to you, she will put a stop to it, probably by banning him from visiting. So he MUST talk to an independent person and not you.

    My nephew is going through similar trials - his wife (who I always liked and got on with, I thought) has suddenly declared everyone on his side of the family (including me - it's a blanket statement) to be off limits for him. She threw him out at one stage and he was only allowed back into the home if he agreed to never, ever, be in contact with his family again. No talknig to his parents or his sister. Or any aunts & unvcles. No cousins. Nobody. And we're a very close family.

    My nephew chose to stay with his wife even under those draconian rules, because of his two girls. He sees his wife as a nut case and is worried what she will do emotionally to the girls.
    Over the last couple of years she has relented slightly at times; she let him visit his parents when it suited her to have the free babysitting. And recently for my brother's 70th birthday, she amazingly let both girls and their father spend most of the day with Grandpa. It was the first time I had ever seen the two girls. I could see that they love their grandpa although they found the large number of strange people very confusing. I talked to the other girl about a few things including the family tree (husband had his computer there with all the connections) and we made a fuss of putting both the girls and their mother into the family tree. "You belong in the family tree because your daddy does. Your mummy belongs because she's your mummy and you belong, and because she's married to your daddy and he belongs. And mummy belongs to her own family tree as well because of her parents and her grandparents." I made it clear that I have always liked their mummy and I would have liked to see her again. And I made sure that I meant it, even though I had been hearing some horror stories before the girls arrived.
    I talked to their grandma after the girls left - she said that of course they bend over backwards to only say nice things about their daughter in law but I remember hearing her say harsh things about her, way back before her son ever married her. The daughter in law bears grudges, obviously, and finally felt the long-term buildup of herMIL's disapproval.

    MWM, I wonder if your daughter in law is jealous of the close relationship you have with your son? I do think this is also a factor for my nephew and his wife. He is open and loving with us, but has to support his wife publicly and do what she says every inch of the way. So we have all accepted this, we love them all and wait for the day when thre girls are old enough to make thier own choices.

    While ever my nephew (and your son, by analogy) is in the kids' lives, then there is an influence there in grandma's favour, telling them that grandma loves them and wants to spend time with them.

    In the meantime, maybe you could write a book for George, a book about George and about hoe grandma loves him unconditionally.
    A friend of mine did this for each of her grandchildren. She actually wrote the book by cutting out letters from magazine headlines. It took her years sometimes, but her grandchildren loved them.

    If you write letters to him telling him about your day, and asking him how he is going - then you are connecting direct to the child.

    Unless your daughter in law intervenes and doesn't let him have the letters (and hopefully your son will allow them, even if he has to vet them first) then this should help maintain a loving connection between you and your grandson, even if it is only by mail.

    And do it by snail mail or dad delivery, not by email. Draw little pictures for him, write in large words if he needs them. Whatever it takes. Keep the content non-committal and general, don't use any broad hints such as "I really wish your mummy would bring you here for a visit" because the mummy will see tis as using the child to get at her. Instead you could write about topics you know he likes, such as trains. "I saw a big train today, it was red. It was pulling sixteen carriages, I thought it must have been very strong to do that."

    That sort of thing.

    But everything else - keep your distance.

  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I went to group therapy yesterday and felt much better talking to everyone. I have a single appointment today. I love the gals in my group.

    Talked to son this morning. All I did was basically listen to him, even though I was pretty angry. She is treating him like dirt, knowing he is vulnerable now and that she can get away with it. He told her that he would prefer her tell the truth to keeping secrets so she is telling him everything from how he needs to learn how to kiss to how she doesn't really like to cuddle with him all the time to how he isn't allowed to buy XXX number of CD's, and she won't tell him why. I'm convinced she's just a very controlling person who doesn't want my grandson to have anything to do with anybody on our side of the family, and I don't think it will get better, ironically, unless they divorce. I don't WANT them to divorce because it will devestate my son, but that's sadly the only way I'll be able to have a relationship with George...because then George would actually be in control of his son when he had him. I am letting go of this wish and just becoming a listener, which is what he needs and wants. I've thought of fostering, and am thinking even more of it now. I'd love to foster a very young girl. We have the room and daughter would love it. She likes children. That way I'll have a baby to fuss over, to love, to dress, to play with, and to maybe even help. And when she leaves, there can always be another little girl. But that's in the future. Right now I think I'm going to just listen to him and go with it. I can't change her, and when we cross paths, which won't be until Thanksgiving, there are other people I can talk to. I feel very sorry for my son, although he's certainly not blameless in this mess. However, he is in therapy and trying VERY hard to improve himself. She did go to therapy yesterday, but pretty much said it wasn't to save their marriage...and she doesn't want them to have any sessions together. Round and round and round this goes and where it will stop...who knows?
    On top of all this, my computer pooped out and I'm on a laptop. I'm a writer and I need a computer. If my dad won't lend us the money, I won't be able to write, but he's a good man. I think he will.
    To Marg: No, I don't think she's jealous of me. She doesn't like me and "feels uncomfortable" when I'm with George. Why? Because I came on too strong and he was afraid the last time I saw him. SHe's right and I won't do that again. Now HER mother is an alcoholic. She just got her license back, and there is a mandatory breathalyzer in her car. But daughter in law isn't the least bit worried or "uncomfortable" about letting HER be with George. :faint: I think she's just really of the mindset that George is her child, she decides when he sleeps, what he eats, when my son can take him to the park, etc. He is allowed to know HER family (not son's) and George belongs to her and only she can do right by him. Everything my son tells me solidifies my belief that this is the way she thinks. My son will figure it out one day. I have to put my own hurt aside to be strong for him because, in spite of all this, he loves her and is afraid to be alone. I'm so drained.
    Thanks to all of you. You're insight helped. And more comments are welcome.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetheart, the other gma having the breathalyzer on the car is PROOF that daughter in law comes from an alcoholic family. If at all possible your son NEEDS to go to AlAnon!!

    Drag him there if you must. She will NOT like it, but it might be what saves their relationship and even if it doesn't it will make your son strong and able to handle whatever she throws at him.

    Al Anon is just CRUCIAL. If daughter in law would go to an ACoA AlAnon meeting or 12 I think she would be astonished. ACoA stands for Adult Child of an alcoholic.

    If you can get a copy of "the Laundry List" ( The Laundry List: The Acoa (Adult Children of Alcoholics Experience) by Tony A. and Dan F - you can find it on amazon for about $2.40 used).

    This book is excellent at outlining the problems and sickness that you bring to your adult life as a result of being the child of an alcoholic.

    Your daughter in law is very ill. Her behaviors STRONGLY suggest ACoA to me. She has to have that control over your son and her house because she is so terrified of being out of control. As a kid she probably had to help raise her parents and raise herself. It is a big load. The more she can control the safe she feels.

    If YOU go to some of the AlAnon (ACoA is just one type of meeting that AlAnon offers) meetings it will help you figure out how to best keep daughter in law feeling safe enough to open up to you.

    Here is a link to an episode of the old show "The Commish".(,vepisode,1) In it they are trying to stop a rapist. The Commish starts out iwth the lady asking her permission to sit, to have a drink, just makes requests for everything. It is a way to help the lady feel more in control and I think the approach MIGHT make your daughter in law come around. So watch the episode and see if it might be useful for you.

    I hope that in a few years you can look back on this and admire how much you like each other and how much you both love your son and grandson.

  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Gosh, you've made progress in one day!
    Good for you.
    Big breath.
    I'm so sorry about your computer. I hate it when that happens. Makes me crazy.
    Best of luck with-that!
    And good for you to have an appointment. today.