really upset!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, May 23, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I had my grandson all weekend. He usually stays one night and wants to go home. This time on saturday he says mama can I stay here my mom and dad just always yell!! That breaks my heart. Then on Sunday out of the blue he says My mom really really hates you!!! I dont know why, but she really hates you!! Not that it comes as any surprise to me that she would say that but to say that to a 4 year old!!!!! I just told him I didnt know why she hates me but I love her! And that is all I said. I wanted to just go after her with everything in me but I didnt for fear she would just yell at him. How dare she play with that little boys head like that!! Then while he was here my other daughter and I were trying to see if he knew is abcs and how far he could count. He fumbled through saying his abcs and counting but does not recognize the letter or number when shown. Then I told him he had something on his elbow and he reached for his shoulder. His mom does not work with him at all and he is suppose to start kindergarten next year! I plan on getting some puzzles and workbooks to start helping him, but isnt that the moms job? Nope she sits on her butt all day and plays with her phone. He is so smart! He needs someone to put some time in with him. I want to yell at her so bad, but everything just goes in one ear and out the other!! She just dont care !!
     
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Good on you to take the high road in your response to him, ST. Talking negatively about his momma would only hurt everyone, especially him. I think he is a very lucky little guy to have your stabilizing influence in his life. I would just try (wouldn't be easy!!) to button my lip and make grandson visits easy for her. Hopefully that will result in him getting to spend even more time with you.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm so sorry for your pain.your daughter will do what she wants to do. It may make you feel temporarily better if you yell at her, but it won't change things for the better and she may use the grandchild and not let you see him. Telling her off never worked before.

    in my opinion you need to accept who your daughter is, that you can't change her one bit, that she has wrongheaded thinking and that you have no legal grounds to really help your grandson. All you can do is be nice to him when he is with you. If he is smart, his teachers will catch him up.

    Good luck!
     
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    ST, you are getting good advice here. I remember a few days ago you were heartbroken to think you couldn't spend time with that precious grandson. Now you can and you did! There is a way forward in all of this nonsense and pain.

    Perhaps it is to say very very little to her except "what she wants to hear" in order to get him with you more. Then, you do what you can.

    Let her go...emotionally...and put that energy into him when you have him around...and when he's not around...put the energy into yourself. Taking care of YOU will help him.

    You can only do so much. We can't save the world. We can barely save ourselves, and that's a full time job.

    Start focusing on YOU today. What do you want? What do you enjoy? Do it!!

    We're here for you and I'm so glad that precious little boy has YOU In his life.

    Blessings to you today.
     
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so glad you got to spend time with your grandson. Always remember, you are the positive influence in his little life.

    This just had to heartbreaking to hear. I do not believe that she really hates you, I think she hates that you have changed and no longer will rescue her.
    I may be wrong but I doubt that she is telling your grandson directly, he is most likely overhearing what she is saying to the boyfriend. She obviously does not care what this little guy hears and that is truly sad.
    Yelling at her would only give her ammo to use against you. Your best defense against is to be strong, hold your head high and to not buy into anything she says. Again, she is just angry that you have changed and she can no longer manipulate you. I know it may not feel like it but this is a good thing. YOU have made great progress in detaching from her.

    You can do nothing to change your daughter. All you can do is be the best influence you can be to your grandson. I would also suggest that whey you have him make sure to tell him how much you love him and how much you love your daughter.

    So Tired, you have come such a long way since you first came here, you are doing really well.

    http://3.BiPolar (BP).blogspot.com/-bJXQqNkyz1g/UFdP5Ht1gdI/AAAAAAAAACk/UT1KmrvCXj8/s1600/stength.jpg
     
  6. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My daughter is borderline (no children, thank goodness) and she gleefully admits to how many times she has thrown me and my husband "under the bus" to anyone who will listen. Sometimes because she is angry at me (for something I am not even aware of) or to manipulate to get sympathy and handouts. Just keep holding your head high. Keep taking the high road. People who know me or get to know me, know it is all within her. People who don't usually figure it out with her erratic behavior and temperament. Those who stay blindly by her side, well, they just deserve what she doles out. And it sounds like your grandson, even at four, is beginning to question her. ("I don't know why but she does.") To do or say something could backfire. She could take it out on your grandson, or on you by not letting you see him. Just continue to reassure him and act oblivious around her (I know, hard to do). That is what he will remember as he grows: mom's erratic, unstable behavior vs. grandmother's calm, loving support.
     
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