Really worried

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by okie girl, Aug 4, 2015.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Haven't posted in awhile. I have my sons number blocked and his messages are sent to spam. I just was so tired. Anyway, i had an appointed with my psychologist last week and checked my spam messages before I went in to see him. I had two messages from Difficult Child. One said "I'm so tired of it all" and the other one said "I am doing bad". I pay for his cell phone and I check it every so often to see if he is using it. At least that way I know he is okay. He has not had any activity on his phone since Sunday. I know how much he uses his cell so I am getting concerned. My psychologist said the text were very vague and says he is just trying to upset me but since he isn't using his phone, I am getting concerned. I have check the Internet and there is no record of him being arrested. What do y'all think?
     
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    If I was that worried, I'd text him and simply say, "I wanted to know you were okay." But that's me.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Could the phone be broken?

    I mean, it is not always the worst case thing that happens.

    My heart goes out to you. I know how scary this is.

    Those bummed out messages are par for the course, for our sons, especially, it seems.

    Or he lost the phone. Or misplaced it. Or the phone was robbed. And somebody removed the SIM.

    I am not a techie person. Are any of these things possible?
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2015
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Okie, I get messages like that from my son. He does not have a phone he has a tablet and uses Facebook.

    It's been almost 2 months since he has posted anything and when he did it was something like "my life sucks why doesn't &^%$ work out for me"
    It's hard reading those messages then not hearing anything from him for weeks or months. My son is homeless and is wondering through the western US. At this very moment I have no idea where he is let alone which state he's in.

    If you do send him a text there is no guarantee that he will answer. If you don't get an answer you will worry more. It's also possible he lost the phone, or lost the charger.

    I get it, I know that feeling of not knowing but worrying will not change anything nor will it make him contact you. Worrying will only cause ill effect to you.

    Try and find some way to distract yourself so your thoughts are not consumed with the worrying and wondering.

    I hope that you will hear something from him soon.

    I know how you are feeling and I'm so sorry.

    ((HUGS)) to you........................
     
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  5. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    I would think if something happened, you would have heard. Do you live in the same town?
     
  6. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you T....your reply made me feel so much better. Sometimes my imagination can get out of hand. I have blocked his calls because when I do talk to him, I start to second guess my decisions on not letting him live with me. He is homeless and now his truck was impounded with everything he owned was in it. He got out of jail last November and I let him stay here but he just didn't seem motivated. He moved out and was staying with a friend (they were going to split the apt). I tried to get him to stay with us and save some money, pay on his fines, go to AA meetings (which was part of his probation) but he said I was driving him crazy and he needed his space. He lost his job soon after moving out. Now he has 2 felony warrants and will probably go to prison when he is picked up. He just keep digging the hole deeper. I just don't understand why he can't keep a job and take care of his responsibilities.
     
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  7. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Seeking....yes we live in the same town. I guess no news is good news.
     
  8. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Copa....yes it is possible his phone needs charging or he lost it.
     
  9. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    My daughter uses prepaid phone, so a lot of times her 30 days is just up. Or she can't use it without wireless. I agree, it could be any number of things. Again, no news is good news....
     
  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member



    Okie,

    I hope you do not think I am making light of your fear, because I TOTALLY get it. It is scary enough with any of our offspring. And, when we have a Difficult Child, our fears can be escalated.

    Difficult Children do play us, though. Whether your son is trying to mess with you or not....my thoughts are he IS alive & fending for himself.

    SS
     
  11. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thanks SS, I have never seen this before. I am feeling better. Thanks to all of you.
     
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This my friend is the mystery of having a Difficult Child. I have wondered the same thing so many times about my son. My son will always have some kind of excuse as to why he can't get a job. Even when he has managed to get a job it only lasts for a few months before he quits.
    I have given up trying to figure out why because it will only drive me crazy. :crazy2:
    I now just accept that it is what it is.
     
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi OG,

    Hope you are feeling OK today.

    We have all been in the place of 'not knowing' and the fear that comes with it.

    Take peace in the knowledge that you have done all you can and then some, and nothing else can be done unless he is willing to change his life.

    Apple
     
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  14. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    I'm feeling better today. You are so right Apple. It is up to him to change
     
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  15. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Lil......tried to call him. The message says "not accepting calls at this time". I called AT&T and they said this would mean the phone is turned off or lost. Checked again this morning. Still no activity. I guess I have got to let this go. I am just so tired of worrying about him!
     
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yes, "Not accepting calls" generally means the phone is turned off or out of minutes on a pre-paid. He could have lost his charger. He could have dropped it and broke it and can't get it to turn on. There are many reasons.

    Since you live in the same town, I think you'll have to go with "no news is good news". If you hadn't seen those messages, you would not be worrying...so try not to. (Yes, I know, SO much easier said than done.)
     
  17. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Another possibility for the lack of usage on the phone is that he figured out that you were tracking and got a track phone and only turns his on to message you.
     
  18. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Hadn't thought of that. Thx
     
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Okie girl, rest in this: No news is good news. I used to drive myself nuts with the not knowing.

    But the police are so very resourceful. I used to get knocks on the door and there were the police, looking for Difficult Child. Even though he hasn't lived here in years. They do their legwork and they find the old addresses, and they come looking.

    Living with the awful not-knowing....that is the hardest thing of all.

    There is so much we will never know about the lives of our DCs.

    My Difficult Child was homeless multiple times, for long periods of time, in the town where I live and in another city four hours away. At Christmas and in the coldest time of the year.

    I learned to live with it. I had no choice because nothing I ever tried to do made any kind of difference.

    I had to change myself. I could not change him. Lord knows, I did every single thing under the shining sun to try to get him to change.

    Today...he is doing SO much better. In fact, let me share a phone conversation he and I had yesterday:

    "Well Mom I am trying to get my bank account set back up. I have been to the credit union yesterday and now today...because Dad gave me for my birthday the payment for my old accounts, the money I owed the bank...and they said it went through...but the credit union still isn't showing it paid. I'm so frustrated because now they have to mail my checks instead of direct deposit them. But I did tell them that once we do get it all set up, every time a check comes in...to take some money out automatically and put into a savings account. I don't know how much I can afford to save right now, Mom, but I want to save something from each check."

    Okie girl, I truly thought I would never hear words like that from my Difficult Child. Never. He was so far gone. He was ugly and awful and hateful and cussing me out and didn't care and on the street and using drugs and everything...everything awful.

    Now...he is sweet and kind and working two jobs and trying to go back to school and not calling me very often...it has turned around. I am still...cautiously optimistic. It's been a year as of June 26. More than a year now. But he taught me well. I know that things can turn on a dime. I am cautiously optimistic and I have to watch myself...not to get too involved...too engaged....to whatever.

    Do you know..can you even begin to imagine...how thankful I am that he is talking like this? You want to jump for joy and rush in to clear away any obstacle for a person who is trying so hard.

    But Okie Girl...that's just it...it's HIM clearing away his own obstacles that is doing the healing and the growing and the assuming of responsibility. If I do it..I rob him of the chance to become a mature adult...of the person he is meant to be...of learning that he can count on himself.

    That is why I have to continue to stand back and stand down...and to be vigilant...not with him...but with myself.

    Hang in there. There is hope. Right now, in the unknowing time...focus on yourself. Give yourself the energy and time you deserve to grow and heal. We're here for you.
     
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  20. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    COM....thank you for your post. It is so..so..hard being in the dark and not knowing where he is and if he is okay. The people he associates with are very shady. He has been using our address and we keep getting bills from different hospitals. We keep writing on the envelope "not at this address" but they just keep sending them. We got more today and my husband said "I guess I will just trash these". I decided to open them up. One was for over $7000. I have no idea what it was for. Then, my imagination kicks back in...maybe something is wrong with him or maybe he is just trying to get more pain pills. I'm just worn out. My husband does not have any kids and he said "you just need to cut the cord". He just doesn't understand that a parent will always worry about their kids no matter how old they are. husband has been very good to all my family and I think he just gets aggravated with him worrying me so much. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever see Difficult Child again.
     
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