Really worried

[Tanya M]

We keep writing on the envelope "not at this address" but they just keep sending them. We got more today and my husband said "I guess I will just trash these".

You did the right thing by writing not at this address. If they continue to send them I would contact the hospital or wherever they are coming from and tell them you have returned them but you keep getting them and you are requesting they stop.

I did this with a cell phone bill that kept coming here for my son. Once I contacted the company and explained that he did not live here they stopped sending them.

Part of the problem however is our DCs will fill out paperwork and use our address.

"you just need to cut the cord"

Well those are easy words to speak but much, much harder to implement. It just takes time. You will get there, I know this to be true because I like many others here have been right where you are. You have an advantage over me, I didn't know about this site when I was going through my darkest times with my son. It's such a wonderful thing, this site, to be able to share with others who never judge and who really get it.

Hang in there Okie Girl.

 

[Seeking Peace]

"But Okie Girl...that's just it...it's HIM clearing away his own obstacles that is doing the healing and the growing and the assuming of responsibility. If I do it..I rob him of the chance to become a mature adult...of the person he is meant to be...of learning that he can count on himself."

Childofmine, well said!!!! That's the God's honest truth! I pray for that day!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

I know we worry ourselves sick but it pisses me off that they never worry about us. My son could care less that I am alone, if I am dead or alive. He could care less about me on my birthday or Mothers Day. We worry ourselves sick while they only think of themselves. Worst torture there is.

 

[in a daze]

"Well Mom I am trying to get my bank account set back up. I have been to the credit union yesterday and now today...because Dad gave me for my birthday the payment for my old accounts, the money I owed the bank...and they said it went through...but the credit union still isn't showing it paid. I'm so frustrated because now they have to mail my checks instead of direct deposit them. But I did tell them that once we do get it all set up, every time a check comes in...to take some money out automatically and put into a savings account. I don't know how much I can afford to save right now, Mom, but I want to save something from each check."

OMG....be still my heart....

 

[okie girl]

it has been a week since my Difficult Child has used his phone. Now I am wonderingly if I had done the wrong thing by blocking his phone and sending his messages to spam. ( I knew I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him if he did call). I haven't really talked to him or seen him since March. I just pray he is safe. I just want him to know I love him and miss him. I have no idea how I would contact him if there is an emergency. Just feeling down.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Okie,

This is part of the really rough time.

Trust that he will make it through this time because you know, he most assuredly will. Our thoughts often go to the worst.

My youngest son (not a Difficult Child) told me about a cartoon he read about when parents don't hear from our kids.
Mom: Kid is tied up, in a locked car trunk
Dad: Kid is in a hot tub, with booze and several women

As moms, at least for many of us, we just seem to think the worst. I see it on this board often and hear it from friends.

He knows you are put out with him, just as he knows you love him and he loves you. At some level, he does know these things. Our Difficult Child's have memories, too. A couple weeks ago, Difficult Child texted that he remembers laughter and me reading books to him. Sure, the point of the text was to manipulate me to respond so he could start asking for money. But, still, he DOES remember and your son does, too.

Can you do something calming this evening? Hot tea and a good book?

I am going with cold beer and the laptop, but I understand that combination is not for everybody.

Hugs,
SS

 

[okie girl]

Okie,

This is part of the really rough time.

Trust that he will make it through this time because you know, he most assuredly will. Our thoughts often go to the worst.

My youngest son (not a Difficult Child) told me about a cartoon he read about when parents don't hear from our kids.
Mom: Kid is tied up, in a locked car trunk
Dad: Kid is in a hot tub, with booze and several women

As moms, at least for many of us, we just seem to think the worst. I see it on this board often and hear it from friends.

He knows you are put out with him, just as he knows you love him and he loves you. At some level, he does know these things. Our Difficult Child's have memories, too. A couple weeks ago, Difficult Child texted that he remembers laughter and me reading books to him. Sure, the point of the text was to manipulate me to respond so he could start asking for money. But, still, he DOES remember and your son does, too.

Can you do something calming this evening? Hot tea and a good book?

I am going with cold beer and the laptop, but I understand that combination is not for everybody.

Hugs,
SS

Thank you SS. I have good days and not so good days. I miss him so much. I have been checking the county jail blotter to see if he is in jail but he isn't. I think I would feel better if he were. At least I would know he had a bed and food. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better. Thanks again.

 

[Carri]

Hi Okie girl, you're not alone. I have no idea where my son is either. I told him he's not welcome here any longer after he recently stole from me again, and he's respecting that, so I should be happy, but the not knowing is so difficult. I also write "no longer at this address" when I receive his mail. Detaching has gotten easier but I think I'll always feel anxious when I hear a siren until I know he's in jail again. I'm even considering relocating. Somewhere where I won't run into people that ask how my son is doing or where I'm always always on edge. Doesn't this just suck? I love coming to this page to read words of wisdom and to know I'm not alone. Hang in there...

 

[Jabberwockey]

I have been checking the county jail blotter to see if he is in jail but he isn't.

Don't. He is an adult who is living his own life. Let him.

 

[Freedom08]

Don't. He is an adult who is living his own life. Let him.

I need to remind myself of this.

It's so difficult not to worry. I usually whip myself up into such a state I want to outrun the grief and worry. It doesn't help. Hugs [emoji173]️

 

[Jabberwockey]

So easy to say yet so hard to actually do! I understand, but there comes a point that you have to let go for your sake as well as theirs.

 

[BusynMember]

I feel bad for you, not him. You are older now and he never checks up to see if you are sick or need his help or are happy. At his age, most adult children are starting to take care of their parents. Instead, he is making you so stressed, he could kill you.
To me, you are the one who deserves compassion. Your son has had 40 some years to at least understand that caring goes two ways. If you care about him, he ought to care about you and sometimes ask about your welfare and offer to help. I'm sure he is stronger than you and your husband.
I feel sad for you because you need to care for yourselves and can't do anything for him and he apparently doesn't mind scaring the wits out of you. He's not a 20 year old kid who has gone wrong and doesn't get it yet, wih parens who are still pretty young and can handle it to a point. Yet he still doesn't care.
It is up to you to either let the stress destroy you or to try to do nice t hings for you and husband in spite of your son, who is probably trying to scare you (which is extremely cruel for a man his age).
You can't save him. He has to save himself. Whether he does or d oesn't, I hope you and your husband save yourselves from him. And I hope you have other adult kids who do care about you and grandchildren to enjoy. But you can find ways to enjoy life even if you don't. What about traveling?

 

[okie girl]

Thanks you all for your support. I need it. I admit he has always enjoyed worrying me. I got a message from his great aunt saying she didn't know Difficult Child had surgery and hoped he was okay. I called her and she said she read it on Facebook. He blocked me from his Facebook so this was news to me. He had surgery in the town he grew up in and this is the town that he has two felony warrants! I'm not even for sure he had surgery. He lies so much! This really does suck and it is never ending. I am feeling a little better. Thanks again for all of your support.

 

[okie girl]

Well....I talked with my aunt regarding my Difficult Child's Face Book post saying he was in the hospital after having surgery. She is 84. The date in the post was from 4 years ago! Bless her heart.