Rec'd a call from my other tweedle....

[timer lady]

who was in a "tither" because foster mum refused to let wm stay out & about from 9 in the morning til 10 at night. Foster mum invited wm to call me & ask if I would let him out for that length of time with friends we don't know & wm will not introduce to anyone.

wm insists we are punishing him for no reason, that he is an adult (just turned 17), & that his foster brothers could go out for that amount of time. True to his brothers yet they are now 18 & working full time.

wm has always & continues to believe that what one person has earned in privileges applies to him. He insisted that he get new clothes because kt got bras that were sorely needed. (How he knew this is beyond me)

I listened to wm's tirade for all of 5 minutes then hung up. I called foster mum & let her know that I agreed with her & that if wm was not home by 4:30 as requested I would be out to pick up his new cell phone. wm was scheduled to meet with his in home therapist & I gave therapist a heads up. therapist cracks me up ~ he let me know that he would beat wm into submission if I looked the other direction.

No problem.

 

[AnnieO]

I like the therapist!!!

He can have new clothes - if he earns them... Just like other "adults"!!!!!

You are so strong, Linda... I hope I can be half that strong...

 

[DaisyFace]

What a frustrating few days you have had!

It almost makes you want to pick up an extra bra for wm....ya know - just to be fair.

 

[TerryJ2]

I like your therapist! And the foster mom was nice to call you. Great communication!
DF, LOL! I thought of that but was too *shy* to type it.

 

[mstang67chic]

Well Wm....I suppose you can have some new bras too but I don't think they really make good sling shots.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

 

[Shari]

Hm....

Two Brooms gave husband a $10 the other day because his sister's birthday present (back in April) cost a bit more than his did (back in April). So the $10 evened it up.

Maybe Wm needs to have a Grandma Two Brooms?

 

[susiestar]

If there were not so many issues with prior sexual abuse and acting out, the bra might have been a way to get through to him. While his behavior is irrational in many ways, I can also see how this bean counting started. As a very young child, he probably learned that when kt got something different and good for her (good in the way of a toy, not in any healthy way) it meant someone was going to do something bad to him. If bad things were being passed around, making sure kt got what he got was a way to to lessen the abuse. People only have so much energy no matter what they do or their reasons for doing it. So if wm was the only one being hurt the abuse was far worse. wearing out the abuser was a way to be hurt less. Pushing to make sure the good things were given to him also was one of the very few ways he could try to keep himself safe. It also had to be very hard because his bond with kt and the natural instinct to protect her would make him feel bad. He was young enough to not know that what was happening wasn'tnormal and also to have those loving instincts that most children have. This doesn't mean that he is going to be able to get the world to abide by his rules but it does mean that it is probably almost instinctive, possibly on the fight or flight level of action/reaction.

I called it bean counting because in manyways our kids become little fixated accountants, trying to make sure they get what they think is their fair "share". Even with all the years of therapy and intervention and supports it is likely that he has little if any understanding of why he feels so driven to demand whatever he thinks is owed to him.

It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but understanding that it isn't anything that you did can make it easier. It can be easy to forget, but I think this is probably like the anger that adoptied children have no matter how wonderful the forever parents are. It takes being mature enough to accept that the anger is there and that your forever parents love you anyway and a lot of hard work in therapy to process the anger. Given that the abuse was so pervasive, vicious and evil and happened so early in their lives, I would think it would take even longer to realize what he is doing, accept that it isn't healthy and get to the point that you are able to work through it. And that all has to happen before the hard work of therapy starts.

I think the way you disengage with love is maybe the best gift any mother has given any child. You are not hiding from the problems or shielding them from them. You refuse to be treated that way or participate in family therapy when it simply isn't going to accomplish anything now but you still send very clear messages that you love them. I would imagine that even after all these years the tweedles are confused by this. Too much early programming to get over until they are far more mature. By not allowing them to treat you like koi and by sticking to your boundaries, you are teaching them that it truly is possible to be upset/angry/unhappy/irritated/frustrated/fed up or feel other non-warm-fuzzy feelings about someone and still love the person.

You are teaching them that love is not all cute cuddly kittens and rainbows, but is a roaring mama lioness.

 

[timer lady]

You ladies get it. I'm caught off guard by the newer members of wm's team that are sucked into his antics & his poor lil orphan stories. You'd think husband & I never existed or gave a care for that child.

Susie, thank you for your kind words. I hope the lessons being taught will sink in for wm.