Received compliment today, but honestly...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I have really difficult moments.
    Per last thread re: daughter having a near stranger and family at her apt.
    Landlord IS threatening to evict. This one is nicer than the others. Says they like her A LOT, but they are worried she will hurt herself. Also a little worried that the tennants immediatley next door will leave if difficult child keeps up bad behavior.

    Pseudo squatter remains in little efficiency. husband spoke with- mom who claims girl and this family is flying home WED. Says she will give us the confirmation number next week. Says it was cheaper to fly out Wed.

    I have gotten used car seat and the people don't care if they ever see it again...it's a start. The cab company said that is probably good enough. We are thinking of just paying a cab company to haul them off to the airport Wed. morning.

    difficult child is to stay at our place almost exclusively through Wed. She is being a slob and fights with- me if I ask her to pick up after herself. Today, she said she wants to go back to her place. We have NOT told her about the threat of eviction for fear of her going into a rage.

    She assumes NO responsibility for this whatsoever and barely sees a connection between this current incident and the previous evictions...although they are big time related.

    I have a call into a local agency. There are few provisions for housing for the MI in our area. They are trying to make an exception for her into a place for "older" individuals. We are going to quietly look at it probably next week. They said the important thing is that she would have to buy into it and cooperate. They are not hopeful about this.

    Today, she visited their agency. We are hoping she will open up to group theray...a small possibility. She did make use of their pool table and talk to folks there, etc.

    Right this second...doorbell...son just stopped by. He is moving in about a year...it'll be hard with-o his support.

    I am numb...it is very tough to see them so clueless...making the same mistakes repeatedly and NOT accepting their role(s) in failures/repeated failures and how they hurt themselves and all around them. It is very concerning and I suppose a little extra so since soooo much has been invested in this child's care....but I know you've heard that before.

    Had an emergency appointment with- psychiatrist today. She was impressed with- my resiliance. But...it's 6:45...I look like _________ now.........have gotten little done, am thinking of moving in with- my son and I know by the end of the week, there will be little resiliance left.

    Thanks for letting me get all this out.
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I'm sorry. I have no idea how you have handled it this long. Don't take your daughter's crud. Be as kind to yourself as you can. Maybe husband should take you out to eat or to a movie or something.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sounds like a rough week. A difficult child can certainly take a toil on your health, body, and spirit. My oldest easy child moved away last summer. My youngest enters BCT this summer. That will just leave difficult child here with us. Maybe without the others around, it will be easier to deal with him---I doubt it. My easy child's give me daily the knowledge that it hasn't been just been my parenting.
     
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If we saw this stuff on a TV show we would just say "Impossible! It's too far fetched!" Hopefully the squatters really will be gone on Wednesday. I'd be tempted to rent them a room one night in a cheap motel and tell them to bugger off.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Witz has an excellent idea! Rent them a motel room...tell them you rented it for x amount of time and them disappear. Then they are someone elses problem.

    Hopefully they wont evict your daughter over this. It really isnt her fault these people wont leave. One doesnt think a guest is going to do this. I mean people have friends spend the night all the time without them refusing to leave.

    I can understand you being upset over your son moving away. He will still be just a phone call away though. Im sure he will still be there for you over the phone. I cant tell you how many times I have cried on Jamie's shoulders over the phone. Thats one of the things I am gonna miss when he is in Iraq...lol. But now they have cell phones over there so maybe I can still talk to him between missions.
     
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you.
    husband and I (mostly husband) convinced difficult child that she was LARGELY blame for these problems by letting people stay overnight in the apartment in the first place. I would say there is a good chance she would not want people to stay in the apartment with- her again. However, hard to say how long it will stick. Seeing it correctly was a speck of something in the right direction. (Now I'm looking at specks as a good thing. Sigh.)

    Son says he thinks he can convince her to go into a supported housing program.

    We (husband and I) went out a little late (due to conversation with- difficult child), but went out to dinner. IT was sooooo relaxing.

    I'm going to spend part of Mon and part of Tues at son's apartment. husband says he will take difficult child to her apartment for a little visit over the weekend. He is concerned that the girl might have folks in the area beat up on difficult child at a later date if he attempts to force the issue...force a woman with- two kids into the street (so to speak). This is unreal. However, he does say that after Wed., if the plane ticket isn't "real," that we will have no choice but to call someone "high up" in the police department or even an attorney and do something very different. I just hope that doesn't happen. Fortunately, the girl's mother seems more or less okay. She's either a difficult child herself or a beyond burned out mom of a difficult child. Kinda makes you wonder what folks just assume about us...doesn't it? UGH UGH AND DOUBLE UGH.

    by the way...not sure if we could really do it...but I sure did like the idea of the hotel, etc.

    Well...tomorrow will be another day from _________. This weekend will be okay with- husband here and M-W should be at best, awkward. Ain't life grand???? UGH!

    Thank you again!
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending ((((hugs)))) Nomad. My mind is still reeling over the whole squatter thing. Totally unreal if you ask me. I hope it's resovled without further complications by wed.
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    At this point, I am using the word "squatter" very losely and "rights" even more so. The police briefly suggested this...but they did this probably to simply avoid the subject altogether. They said they were there to investigate difficult child and did not want to hear about the girl staying there. When they heard that difficult child ok'd that she could stay there, that was good enough for them and wanted a court order to take another look. husband is/was for the moment very concerned that this person had some friends that would harm difficult child if he forced her out of the house. So, although this situation is grossly unfair, probably illegal, distorted and twisted...he feels that the best move at this time is to be quiet and lay low to ensure difficult children safety. I am not sure I agree, but do see his point. So, that is the plan (for the moment anyway). After Wed., if these "interesting people" are not on a plane, then it all changes because obviously we can NOT and will not cope with this any longer. So, the police and/or an attorney will be called and all forces will be employed to move their unwelcomed bottoms from the premises. I can only pray that it doesn't come to this (there are two tiny children involved) and that they leave as they said they would 'cause we are NOT kidding around. Also hope and pray that difficult child has learned her lesson. And that I don't fall into that deep dark black hole of despair that often appears after these difficult child episodes.
     
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{nomad}}} Sending hugs and positive vibes. It's so hard to feel like a Superwoman when you feel like ___________.

    :whiteflag:
     
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you everyone for your suggestions and positive wishes...they are most appreciated.
     
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Nomad,

    Wow girl do you need a break!!!! HOLY MOLEY! :anxious:

    Question - and I know this must be costing you a varitable fortune, BUT -

    If your daughter moved say TODAY out of her apartment- what would happen to the apt? Could you get your deposit back? Maybe call the mother and tell her to send the money in a moneygram for 1st, last. security to the landlord and get your kid out of there and be done with baby seats, airports, cab rides?

    Tell the landlord the legalitiy of the situation and move on. They moved in, cops said they have rights - so you're moving your kid OUT and you want your deposit back, the squatters can pay the new deposit. Let the squatters HAVE the place. They won't be able to keep it - Then the landlord would have the problem of eviciting them right?

    If this landlord is willing to work with you - I would go get the rest of my daughters stuff, have him tell the squatters they have until Wed. to come up with the 1st, last, sec. and that the lights etc will also be turned off on that day. If she's in an apt. with NO lights and NO water and children ?- tell her that if someone reports their situation to DHEC they will take her kids from her for living somewhere there is no lights or water. That is legal. Since they like playing legally.

    If they are moved out - and there is damage then the squatters can be formally charged- like I said before I would go get pictures and walk the landlord through. You dont' have to tell them what you are doing - just do it. COver your butt.

    IF when they go you can move your daughter back in? Good. If not - they you, your daughter, and the landlord are ahead of the game - she's out, they're out and the landlord can rent to someone else and maybe you can get your deposits and stuff back? If not you arent' paying for electric for squatters any more - or rent.

    Seriously - I hate to sound deviant - but you are dealing with deviant people who have had YEARS of experience skirting the law. If you aren't used to playing their game - you get conned. I lived with a con man for years.

    As far as the cab ride to the air port? BS. I'd hand that girl the car seat, I'd also get a picture of THAT proving you provided that for her to get OUT, and tell her to call her mother and tell her that the fare from that apt. to the airport is $XX - you can call the cab company and tell them how many people will be riding and get approx fare.

    Another legal thing would be since they came with nothing - if they all leave at the same time? Get husband to change the lock or a locksmith - put their stuff to the curb and call the police and tell them you think there will be problems.

    I really think you are being too nice.

    Hang in there.
    Star
     
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Star...great points. husband is being nice simply cause he suspects the girl might mean what she says re: having friends who will come after difficult child if she is forced into the street or into a homeless shelter. I don't entirely agree, but am keeping quiet for now. The agreement, for now, is to lay low until Wed.
    I agree...we should try to get the mom to fork over the cab money for the trip on Wed!!!! We have also thought of having them take the bus. We don't particularly wont them back though and are hoping that they really do get on the plane with the hopefully real plane ticket. Yes, I do think we are being too nice. husband, son and myself all agree that the niceness stops on Wed.
     
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Here are some after thoughts Nomad -

    IF you take them to the airport and the tickets are not there, or the plane is delayed or the cow jumps over the moon - you are STILL going to end up being responsible. Call the cab company, (you already got that baby seat) and find out what the fare is for 2 adults and I think you said 2 kids? Call the Mom and tell her that you had an emergency come up and won't be able to get them to the airport, but cab fare is XX $$.

    As far as having friends around that will beat her up? OH COME ON. If they had ANY other friends in that entire town? They would be THERE, not in your daughters house. And true enough - if they leave - and you change the locks? They are NO LONGER squatters. Then they are trespassers.

    I would also look up the local number for whatever is your child and family services and have it written in my date book or palm pilot or blackberry - on speed dial - and get the Landlord to tell them - Wednesday at noon he has no options and is shutting off the power/phone/cable/ etc indefinitely. I would tell her - that all those friends she is going to have beat up your kid? She may want to call them for a place to stay with power - or DHEC is going to get a call. I HATE BULLIES.

    I think you just have to out-smart them at their own game. But I WOULD tell the Landlord - Wed. at noon they are on a plane OR to help you and shut off the power and water to that unit. All he has to do is say he's having some work done and that is legal. When they are in there at 3:00 still without power - then I would tell her you think someone called DHEC on her for living in someplace without power and water and children.

    I would also call the phone company and temp. suspend phone service - I'm sure that bill is going to be outrageous!

    Too bad you don't have a BUNCH of friends that can ALSO move in - right now they have the life huh? I would have say 20 of my closest friends move in WITH THEM - lol

    Hugs - this really stinks like skunk bottom
     
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Star...the fear is this is somewhat culturally related. The reason is that they think difficult child disrespected her by changing her mind. They DO NOT see that they also changed the deal. In addition, she has plenty of relatives in a nearby city. For a very short time, she stayed with them, but began a feud with them. Who is to say, that a feud with difficult child would not redirect them to a new common cause? It seems throwing two babies out into the street...is big time disrespect to her and her family. AND sadly, she has made some friends with some of difficult children pseudo friends and they kinda side with her. None of these folks are too healthy either. They DON'T think having five people in an efficiency is a big deal and don't really understand why difficult child (or we for that matter) are freaking out. All they see is that it is difficult children fault and that we are trying to force her and her babies onto the street.I find it curious that NO ONE is offering to take them in. husband did his best to convince one of them today...no luck.

    On the positive side,, she keeps on cleaning the apartment. ON the negative side, she has not offered to help to pay for gas or seems even remotely appreciative of the horrible stress and inconvenience this has cause or even the possibility that husband might take them to the airport or pay for a taxi. We are not even sure she has looked seriously for carseats. IT's all very pathetic....difficult child seems to have a better notion of how one bad move can set off many other difficulties. The deadline is approaching. Fear/culture...whatever...it wont matter...they must be out. They do have confirmed plane reservations, so with reference to that...it looks good that this is legit.

    p.s. Can't turn off the electric...this space is connect to another space, which is also being rented and there is no phone. difficult child only uses her cell.
    I'll update at the end of the week...
     
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