Regarding Telemarketers! RRRRRRRRrrrrr

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Star*, Dec 27, 2007.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Found this amusing -

    I'm starting to experience the wonderful onset of menopausal hot flashes, so I was already a little bit cranky. It was a bad day for the telemarketers to be calling every 75 minutes, especially when my phone number is on the "Do Not Call" list.

    Add it up. Menopause, stress, and a phone that won't stop ringing, and it's a recipe for the surreptitious underpinnings of justice. This would be the umpteen-gazillionth time I've asked these so-n-so's to take me off their call list in a week and a half, and I've had enough.

    It's illegal to impersonate a police office or make any threats, so I carefully scripted what I was going to say. I had my notes and my cellphone, and now I was ready for these jerks.

    My phone rang, and I answered in a most authoritative voice:

    Me: Agent Zugowski. Department of Circuitous Affairs, this call is being recorded.
    TELEMARKETER: [*sputter*] Umm ... uhh ... [*sputter*]

    Me: This is Agent Zugowski. Hello?!

    TELEMARKETER: I, uhh, this call is recorded too.

    Me: Are you calling to report a homicide?
    TELEMARKETER: Oh no! Of course not!

    Me: Sir, this is a secured line. What is your name?

    [Grunting sounds; did this guy just poop his pants?]
    TM: My name is Patel, but I did not kill anyone!

    Me: Mr. Patel, sir, what is your address and phone number?

    TM: I work for ADC, my company collects on dead accounts.

    Me: Dead accountants?!
    TM: No, no, noooo! I am looking for Mr. Isaac Schwartz!

    (At this point his English is going downhill fast)

    Me: Mr. Patel, there is no Issac Schwartz at this address or phone number. (As I've told them a billionhundreth times before.) You've reached Internal Fairs. Are you reporting terrorist activity?

    (At this point, I'm thinking it's time to turn up the heat, so I tell the poor slob that I've already traced the line. Then I tell him to hold on for a second, pretending that someone else in the room is talking to me. I muffle the phone a bit to make it seem like I don't want him to hear the conversation in the room. And it's for times like these I have a nice montage of pre-recorded military/police sounds on my cellphone, and play it back so the guy thinks some orders are being given and some heavy stuff is about to ensue.)

    RECORDING: "Lieutenant, we've located the caller in sector 26. His Bu-No is verified as FNG. QVC confirms it. We've got him on a 10-54d (possible dead body). Call him in as an 11-26 (an abandoned bicycle)."

    TM: Um, excuse me, please. Hello? Hello? Are you there? I didn't...

    Me: (Cutting him off) Do NOT hang up. We have verified your location and eunuchs are responding.

    TM: (He's clearly shaken and seems to be weeping) But, I ... I...

    Me: Mr. Patel, tell me where you were this morning between the hours of 7 and 11 a.m. (Slurpee anyone?)

    TM: I am work all morning long! I just call for bills, for bad accounts to be paid. I tell you the truth, I have done nothing wrong!

    Me: If you haven't done anything wrong, then why are you calling this classified division?

    TM: I *must* have the wrong phone number! I am SO sorry. I will remove it from all of our databases immediately!

    Me: (Muffling the phone again, talking to other "agents")

    TM: Hello? Sir, I am so sorry for my mistake! I have no number for you now. They are all erased, I promise. Please don't ... Oh my Gosh. I ... this was a misunderstanding!

    Me: Agent Akimbo has just verified your employment and you are indeed a 51-50 (mentally disturbed). Mr. Patel, you will need to remove this phone number from all of your databases to avoid persecution.

    (At this point, he didn't know whether to scream or go jogging.)
    TM: Oh yes, yes! I already ... it's done, erased!

    Me: Next time be careful, you know ... with who you call, or you might accidentally end up with a point of view (I think this means "Privately Owned Vehicle"). Do you understand?!
    TM: Oh, thank you for clearing up this wrong call!

    Me: You're welcome. Now you can do your part by keeping a look out for terrorists and reporting any suspicious activity. Alright?!
    TM: Oh yes, most certainly!

    Me: And you'll never call this number again. Right!?
    TM: Never!

    Me: Good man.

    TM: Thank you and goodbye!

    Me: Goodbye, Mr. Patel.

    I get 3 or 4 a day and they are rude when you say STOP - take me off your calling list please. I got in an argument with one last week before holiday - Yeah - printing this out.
  2. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Good for you. I know they have a job to do and probably don't like it much, but if I want or need something I have a phone book and the internet.

    A few years back I had had it with them as well. This one guy calls while we were sitting down to dinner. I ask for his name and home number and time he eats dinner so I could call him at that time then we would talk. (of course he didn't give it to me) :rofl:
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Whoa, Star, that was GREAT! Will you come to my house and answer my phone for a while?


    I HATE telemarketers! I'm usually not here when they call but I find the numbers on my machine when I come home from work. Or they pop up on my computer thingie when I'm online. If I don't know who it is, I don't answer. But then my curiosity gets the better of me and I'm Googling the numbers to see who it is.

    I had a sneaky one on my machine yesterday - left a message saying, "This is Rick and I'm calling about your cable installation". No, that was "Rick" trying to SELL me cable TV service! I have a satellite system ... I don't WANT cable TV! If I wanted it, I would have already gotten it! And "Rick" can install his cable system where the sun don't shine. for all I care!
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I got the best one today - Our town is the smallest large town - swear everyone knows everyone. And we bought our new copier about a month ago from people we have known for 30 years.

    ANd the phone rings and it's Kelli from the "copier place"
    Hi Kelli how can I help you
    I'm calling from the copier place trying to get some updates for you on your copier can you give me the number on the front?
    Um - no, I'm pretty far away and doing payroll
    OH could you go look for me?
    Um- not right now - you're from the copier place?
    Yes, that's right
    Um-Which one?
    Kelli?? Which copier place?
    -her in a sounding busy tone - um the one who wants to give you updates, don't you want the updates?
    Me - SURE.....but see I talked to Mr. Ackbar in service yesterday
    and he assured me there were no more updates (lie)
    Are you sure you called the right place?
    her- This is XYZ company right?
    me- yes
    her- well then I have the right company, if you could just go get me the model number
    me- well can you put Mr. Ackbar on the phone a minute?
    (knowing FULL WELL now she is NOT from the copier company we got ours from)
    her - I'll look and see if he's here.
    me- Okay - say HOW long have you worked for Cletus?
    her - Cletus?
    me - yes, yes the OWNER!!!!
    her - laughing OH CLETUS I thought you said (never mind)
    her - so can you get the number?
    me - NOt until I talk to Cletus!
    her- well I'll have to call you back.
    me - Okay you'll have Cletus on the line when you call back right?
    her - I'll call you back
    me - OH Kelli?
    her - yes
    me-Your charade has been recorded on our new state of the art technological phone server - and a transcript of our call will be going out to all our employees with a warning about speaking with you.
    her = uh - I'll have to call you back
    me OH KELLI - we have your number - I've already located your address too, and there will be no need to call us back, remove us from your calling list.
    her - (not so sassy sounding now) Okay you're removed.

    me - Thanks = oh and I ALWAYS answer the phone and I have a fantastic memory too! Bye.

    Hung up!

    I did this all day - an "at&t" representative called and wanted to upgrade our internet to high speed - and I said "HIGH SPEED" OMG YOU MEAN I've BEEN PAYING $3,000 a month phone bills and Joe LIED to us? (yell out to invisible office worker) "BETH GET ME at&t CUSTOMER SERVICE ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW - I AM GOING TO REAM SOMEONE A NEW ONE OVER THIS -

    The guy on the other end hung up.

    Now all telemarketer calls ARE routed to me. They think it's funny.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    :rofl:, so good!!! I need you at my house!!!!

    One day, my difficult child sick of the telemarketers, taped over my voice message on the answering machine, saying:
    "You have reached the city morgue - please don't leave a message!"
    I had just submitted a billion resumes and was expecting at least a million phone calls back, (haha)..........but none the less he found it most logical to record this. Sigh.................... :highvoltage:
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, we get them at work too. Usually they claim to be taking some kind of survey, wanting to know what kind of office equipment we use. Even if they were taking a survey (which they're not) why would I want to waste my time talking to them?

    Then they ask if I'm the one who makes the decisions on what kind of office machines and computers we buy ... not hardly! Then they ask, well, who does make the decisions ... I tell them, "Nobody here" and they don't believe me. So then I try to explain that we're a STATE agency - we don't get to make any decisions ourselves. It's all decided by some guy with a big fancy title and a suit in Nashville - they sign a contract and everybody in the whole State gets the same thing! By this time they've given up and have gone on to the next name on their list!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Caller ID is a BEAUTIFUL thing. :smile:

    I haven't spoken to a telemarketer in YEARS!

    Now they're getting sneaky, or trying to, they use cell phones. Doesn't work here cuz if I don't recognize the cell phone number I don't pick it up.

    Star OMG! You had me laughing so hard tears were streaming down my cheeks!!

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
  9. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    OK I am going to go hide in my corner. I used to be a telemarketer and was darn good at it. I am awful to them now when they call though. If I have time I love to string them along and make them think they are going to get a hefty sale or whatever from me.

  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Star, I've come across something very similar to that before. It was actually a recording husband was sent as an attachment, I think it was an actual telemarketer recording when some poor sap rang a comedian who had his script and props all ready. It's hilarious to listen to. The set-up is, the telemarketer is made to think he has dialed into a murder scene and is now on the list of suspects.

    There was a MAD magazine article some years ago which showed various ways to 'play' with telemarketers. One idea was to let the baby talk to them.

    I like to 'play' with them too. I've had one bloke on the line for about half an hour while he tried to sell us aluminium siding. I finally asked (when I was tired and wanted to finish the call), "But how do you attach it to a double brick house?"

    Asking for their home phone number so you can call them back is usually the best option. When they refuse, you ask why. When they say, "Because I don't want people calling me at all hours at home..." you have your answer ready. "Well, neither do I!"