Found this amusing - I'm starting to experience the wonderful onset of menopausal hot flashes, so I was already a little bit cranky. It was a bad day for the telemarketers to be calling every 75 minutes, especially when my phone number is on the "Do Not Call" list. Add it up. Menopause, stress, and a phone that won't stop ringing, and it's a recipe for the surreptitious underpinnings of justice. This would be the umpteen-gazillionth time I've asked these so-n-so's to take me off their call list in a week and a half, and I've had enough. It's illegal to impersonate a police office or make any threats, so I carefully scripted what I was going to say. I had my notes and my cellphone, and now I was ready for these jerks. My phone rang, and I answered in a most authoritative voice: Me: Agent Zugowski. Department of Circuitous Affairs, this call is being recorded. TELEMARKETER: [*sputter*] Umm ... uhh ... [*sputter*] Me: This is Agent Zugowski. Hello?! TELEMARKETER: I, uhh, this call is recorded too. Me: Are you calling to report a homicide? TELEMARKETER: Oh no! Of course not! Me: Sir, this is a secured line. What is your name? [Grunting sounds; did this guy just poop his pants?] TM: My name is Patel, but I did not kill anyone! Me: Mr. Patel, sir, what is your address and phone number? TM: I work for ADC, my company collects on dead accounts. Me: Dead accountants?! TM: No, no, noooo! I am looking for Mr. Isaac Schwartz! (At this point his English is going downhill fast) Me: Mr. Patel, there is no Issac Schwartz at this address or phone number. (As I've told them a billionhundreth times before.) You've reached Internal Fairs. Are you reporting terrorist activity? (At this point, I'm thinking it's time to turn up the heat, so I tell the poor slob that I've already traced the line. Then I tell him to hold on for a second, pretending that someone else in the room is talking to me. I muffle the phone a bit to make it seem like I don't want him to hear the conversation in the room. And it's for times like these I have a nice montage of pre-recorded military/police sounds on my cellphone, and play it back so the guy thinks some orders are being given and some heavy stuff is about to ensue.) RECORDING: "Lieutenant, we've located the caller in sector 26. His Bu-No is verified as FNG. QVC confirms it. We've got him on a 10-54d (possible dead body). Call him in as an 11-26 (an abandoned bicycle)." TM: Um, excuse me, please. Hello? Hello? Are you there? I didn't... Me: (Cutting him off) Do NOT hang up. We have verified your location and eunuchs are responding. TM: (He's clearly shaken and seems to be weeping) But, I ... I... Me: Mr. Patel, tell me where you were this morning between the hours of 7 and 11 a.m. (Slurpee anyone?) TM: I am work all morning long! I just call for bills, for bad accounts to be paid. I tell you the truth, I have done nothing wrong! Me: If you haven't done anything wrong, then why are you calling this classified division? TM: I *must* have the wrong phone number! I am SO sorry. I will remove it from all of our databases immediately! Me: (Muffling the phone again, talking to other "agents") TM: Hello? Sir, I am so sorry for my mistake! I have no number for you now. They are all erased, I promise. Please don't ... Oh my Gosh. I ... this was a misunderstanding! Me: Agent Akimbo has just verified your employment and you are indeed a 51-50 (mentally disturbed). Mr. Patel, you will need to remove this phone number from all of your databases to avoid persecution. (At this point, he didn't know whether to scream or go jogging.) TM: Oh yes, yes! I already ... it's done, erased! Me: Next time be careful, you know ... with who you call, or you might accidentally end up with a point of view (I think this means "Privately Owned Vehicle"). Do you understand?! TM: Oh, thank you for clearing up this wrong call! Me: You're welcome. Now you can do your part by keeping a look out for terrorists and reporting any suspicious activity. Alright?! TM: Oh yes, most certainly! Me: And you'll never call this number again. Right!? TM: Never! Me: Good man. TM: Thank you and goodbye! Me: Goodbye, Mr. Patel. I get 3 or 4 a day and they are rude when you say STOP - take me off your calling list please. I got in an argument with one last week before holiday - Yeah - printing this out.