Relapse again

[klmno]

Really, you have no way of knowing if this is her first 'relapse' in 90 days or not. Maybe her head isn;'t where you think it is. I know that isn;t what you want to hear and I'm sorry. It's just that I've seen you here so caught up in what she's doing and what you think people in AA/NA ought to be doing and that really leaves you easily snowed. She isn't telling you the truth and that hurts, I'm sure. But seven times over won't make it hurt any less. I'm sorry.

 

[Nancy]

klmno I'm not sure what it is but for some reason your replies don't comfort me. I don't think I get snowed easily and your comment that I am so caught up in what she should be doing or what is going on in AA really has me baffled. Can I not express my thoughts here without fear that you are judging them.

You are wrong if you think difficult child has me snowed. I have been traveling this road far too long to let her snow me at all. I have been on this board for 13 years, not much surprises or shocks me. All that being said I can't help but feel kicked in the stomach everytime she has a setback. Surely you can understand that.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

I do understand that you are hurt by this. And I sympathize with you wanting comfort. But I think you need to realize that you don't have all the answers for yourself or for her, no matter how long you've been here. That isn't said to judge you or hurt you- I know you don';t deserve either. It's just an honest opinion trying in all sincereity to help you and help you help your daughter.

 

[Fran]

Ugh! what a disappointment. You have to wonder how long she will sabotage herself. I guess that's why they say "one day at a time". I hope today starts another attempt to shake this monster from her back but I don't blame you for wanting distance and not having her at the family function. You are able to enjoy parts of your life without it always being overshadowed by difficult child concerns. I hope her relapses get shorter and shorter and her maturity starts to make her see how stupid she is being by hanging out with those who are a door to temptation for her.
Hang tough and hugs.

 

[Nancy]

Thanks Fran, I do find myself enjoying life much more with the distance. She does sabotage herself over and over again. It goes back to thinking she isn't good enough I think. The good thing is she doesn't live here anymore, it's easier to detach.

klmno when did I ever say I had all the answers? If you have been dealing with addiction in your family as long as I have (61 years now) I would think you would be more understanding.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy, I keep being struck by how alike our difficult children are... and we seem to keep revolving between each one of them being in treatment and then relapsing. I so get where you are because I have been there and will probably be there again unfortunately. I think you have been doing a great job of setting limits and letting go... it is a process that is for sure. And when they are doing well it is so easy to get our hopes up and then that dread and then that kick in the stomach like you said.

I know for me I am starting to lose faith...and although i will love him and support his recovery, I think I am hoping less.... too many disappointments so far to have a lot of faith.

I don't think you have been snowed..... you have been hopeful but you knew last night she wasn't telling the truth, and you knew that her stories were bogus but it is such a disappointment.

One thing with my difficult child is that he is out of state.... I know from too much experience that if he is in this area he can't stay away from his comfort friends, especially the girlfriend. And the relationship with the girlfriend is so volatile that when it is going badly it sends him to the drug use, and his male friends are all users. So yeah bad news. My hope right now is that the contacts he is makingn where he is are all in recovery and so will help him get a new start.... and the risk is definitely there that he will just find other people to relapse with and it will get worse. His being out of state helps me detach a little.... and we basically only communicate when he texts me for money. I do however check his phone records, mostly to see if he is in constant with the girlfriend because that is always a bad sign... I am getting better though and not doing it as much. I also check his fb page as that gives me a hint into what is going on.

Anyway hugs and sympathy to you.... I hope someday both of our difficult children will be in recovery and stay there and we can each get off this roller coaster.

TL

 

[Nancy]

TL I know our difficult children are so much alike and we are in the same revolving door. When I hear you son has relapsed it makes me so sad because I want him to do well, I want to prove that they can make it. But I'm losing faith too, I still have that corner of my heart that hopes it's not true, but I have serious doubts that she can remain sober. I just hoped I wouldn't go to my grave feeling this way. I'd rather have hope and what happens after I'm gone, well I won't know.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

Nancy, I'm not 61yo, I'm 50yo. I have had challenges in my life that most can't understand, including addiction. My posts have never been meant to hurt you or judge you. That doesn't mean I can always say what you want to hear.

 

[Wiped Out]

Awww Nancy. I'm so sorry. I don't come into P.E. often (even though easy child/difficult child is 18 now). This has to be so difficult; sure do wish a magic wand could be waved and everything could be better. ((((hugs))))

 

[Nancy]

klmno you seem to have a chip on your shoulder and you sound very harsh in your comments. Perhaps I am too sensitive but you are not the only one who has had difficult family situations, I doubt whether you can understand all of mine either. You may not like what I'm going to say either but your comments are not supportive and it may be more beneficial to keep them to yourself.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

OK- I can keep from responding to your threads

 

[DammitJanet]

Okay guys. K, Nancy needs to work on this with her daughter her way. I dont think Nancy's daughter is snowing anyone but herself maybe. At this point we dont even know if something happened for a fact. On this board we support each other. We all need to remember that when we come here people are raw from events that are extremely emotionally difficult for parents. With adult children, what is happening to them most of the time is life threatening on any day and time. Not that it cant with the younger kids but with adult kids it can happen more often. We really need to remember that this place is a soft place to land of all of us.

 

[busywend]

Nancy, I am so sorry to hear about difficult children bad choices. I think going with your gut is right every time.

KLMNO, I read your comments as offensive as well and I do try to keep an open mind. I am glad you all solved the issue on your own.

DJ - well said.

 

[Elsieshaye]

I'm sorry Nancy. Lots of hugs and support.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy,

I too keep really hoping for both our difficult children.... when yours is doing well it gives me hope... when she isn't I despair along with you. I do think there is hope for both of them.... but I think we may be doing this for awhile.

TL

 

[Nomad]

Oh. VERY sad. Did she ever admit it?
A profound disappointment.
Are you going to Al Anon or FA?
Very glad to hear that you want to reduce the looking around at her "stuff" and are pulling back.
That sounds wise. A big move toward greater detachment.
Sending good thoughts (as always).

 

[Mattsmom277]

I'm so incredibly sad to read this post Nancy. I haven't been logged in to the board and when I logged in I had tha tout in my stomache feeling for any members difficult child relapsing. Seeing it was your post made the pit a bit deeper.

I truly hope your daughter finds a path to long term sobriety. The disappointment is nearly palpable in your post.

Ill be thinking of you and your difficult child both.

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, to me I tend to believe your daughter was trying to improve. It usually takes some relapses before they can get the monkey off their backs for good. If she moves on from her relapse, and tries again, it's a good sign.

I think everyone has a right to step back from difficult adult kids. They are emotionally exhausting. I actually think you are doing a really good job with her. Just because she relapsed, it does not mean that she was playing games with you all of this time. My daughter would get clean, then relapse often in her attempt to finally do it. Hang in there.

 

[Star*]

Nancy,

If there were anything I could say to her? It would be "You're only fooling yourself, because you are CERTAINLY NOT fooling your Mother." I saw the title of your post and thought "Oh NO!" and then checked the date and hoped that maybe this were a really old thread revisited.

I have no great advice to offer because after watching daughter using rehab like a revolving door I realized that each addict and addictive personality is unique, and so is their time of deciding they are tired of lving like they do.

Please know you and your family are in our families prayers nightly for added strength, continued courage, enlightment, knowledge and support for sobriety and family happiness & unification.

 

[DrPepper]

It's frustrating when as parents we have a good sense and life experience to know what the keys are to happiness. We at least know that self destruction won't lead to happiness. These kids seem so struggling and so lost that you just want to lay it out like, this is what you need to do to be happy, step 1, step 2, step 3, now go live a happy and prosperous life. And it is scary, the danger they put themselves in when they're not thinking with a clear mind.

Nancy, I hope your daughter gets and stays on the right path soon.

Take care.