Relapse. Me!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by bby31288, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Hi everyone. I think the last time I was withdrawing from oxy. Well flash forward and here I am again. This time husband caught me, I was spending 100$ or more daily. That does catch up with you. I am in I guess about day 3 of no oxy. Because I had some Percocet to try and split it up. I'm trying hard. It's hard to look at my husband and see that face the disappoint in my family at me. I am praying this is the last time I will have to do this. Just wanted you guys know even full grown up kids screw up! I'm trying really hard. Thanks guys for letting me vent.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Addiction is addiction at any age and I'm rooting for you. If I recall the last time you posted you were not going to NA meetings to get the in person help that most people need. Pill addiction evidently is particularly difficult. Please feel free to vent but an even bigger PLEASE find a meeting so you have good support. Hugs DDD
  3. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I have tried for so long. This is not good. I have not attended NA meetings because I do guest want my from to know. He will be so upset with the money I have pi$$ed away.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm assuming you are speaking of your husband?? Surely it must be scarey to worry about the truth coming out. on the other is going to come out eventually and the most important goal is for you to become healthy again. Please focus on your goal. You can not change the past but you can change your future. Do you know The Serenity Prayer? Now is the time to repeat it in your head. Hugs DDD
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    bby, I just wanted to offer my hugs and support as well. I too suggest a meeting. Coming here and "telling on yourself" is a first step...but there is more work to be done if you are to get clean and stay clean.

    It's one day at a time...and doing the next right thing.
    Hugs and love,
    ps...I think there are even online meetings.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    bby you can't do this alone. I'm sorry I don't remember a lot from before but were you in treatment? Relapse is so common with addiction but you need to go back to doing the things that helped the last time. My strong suggestion is to get yourself back into treatment. Yes your husband is probably upset but he wants you well, as him to help you get the help you need.

    You admitted your relapse, that's a huge step. You can do this bby.
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Thank you for posting here and being open to hearing from other people. I wish you the very best in your next steps. There is so much support for you here, and for all people trying to stop. I want to encourage you to reach out more and get all of the help you can and take advantage of all of the help that is out there.

    You are enough. You can do this. Prayers for you tonight.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    bby, holding you in my prayers and my thoughts............hugs..........hang in there..........
  9. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I saw the doctor today. She gave me clonidine. It's supposed to help me thru withdrawals. Next up is a meeting. I had gone before but stopped. Thank you for all of your help and support. I'm hoping this tine is it.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so happy to read your afternoon post. Way To Go! You can do it and we will be sending supportive thoughts and prayers your way. DDD
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi bby,
    Thinking of you this morning. How is the withdrawal process going? Have you been able to make a meeting?

    Good for you for seeing Dr. to help you through this.
    Keep taking good care of yourself.
  12. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Good morning. I spoke with my sponsor and went to a meeting last night.

    I'm going to be totally honest. The clonodine (sp) seems to be working great. It helps with muscle aches. Sweating. Insomnia. It is kind of scary to me. If it stays in my mind that the pain of withdrawal is this ok. There isn't a deterrent to not relapse. Do you guys understand
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Great about the sponsor and meeting.

    I understand what you are saying about the physical part of no deterrent.

    What about all of the other negative effects---the other side of the coin when it comes to addiction. Are those a deterrent?

    I hope you can continue on this journey and get your life back.

    When I look at my son, who is addicted to drugs, I see a person who has the physical addiction and the mental addiction as well, which brings with it lack of responsibility, immaturity, bad decision-making, victim behavior, no forward progress in his life, lack of resources, like money, a home, food, shelter, education, relationships, etc.

    His drug is #1. He has slowly alienated every single person who loves him with his out of control behavior.

    My ex-husband was a very high functioning alcoholic, had an executive position, etc. But even though his life was not the dramatic life my son now leads, my ex-husband was fearful, anxious, judgmental, lied when the truth was just as good, insecure. I could go on and on. He was far from being a whole person. I believe he hated himself for the life he lived.

    Our relationship was badly damaged by his addiction. I tried really really hard to stick with him and be a good partner, but there were three entities in the relationship: him, me and alcohol. He had one face on to the public and another face on to me.

    I stuck with him for 10 years (we were married 29 years and together 33 years) as his addiction progressed. As you know, the disease is progressive. It only gets worse.

    My friends said I "danced as fast as I could" to make him happy. It didn't work because he was deeply unhappy inside himself. One person can't make another person happy.

    Your situation could be different, but I bet it's not that different.

    I don't know about your husband, but I want to live with and be with a person who is as whole as possible. One person just can't carry another on his/her back and make it work well.

    Please take what you like here, and leave the rest. You are the only person who can decide what you will do.

    My prayers are with you today.
  14. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Childofmine...thank you so much for your post. Every word you wrote is perfect.

    My husband is wonderful. But the look of sadness on his face. When he asked me where all the money went. I just cried. My family doesn't deserve this.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Perhaps you can make that distinction in your can alleviate the physical pain of withdrawal, but you cannot alleviate the damage to those you love............and to yourself.

    Keep up the good work.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    bby please find a substance abuse counselor, one that really knows what addicts go through and how they rationalize and what their triggers for relapse are. I don't want to keep harping on treatment but that's a reason treatment centers are so important. You are away from the everyday stresses and learn how to live substance free. You come to terms with not only the physical but the emotional and real life toll it takes on your life with relationships and jobs and family and friends and quality of life. Some people never go through withdrawal and yet their lives are in shambles because of their use and that's what keeps them sober. When my difficult child was in the treatment center the first three days were dealt with the physcial withdrawal, the next 57 days were dealt with learning how to live happy without it. That turns into a day at a time lifetime commitment.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I doubt this will make much impact but I have never shared it before and it seems appropriate. My Daddy was an alcoholic who joined AA and worked the program for decades. He used to refer to "wearing a hair suit". I've never sought out where the reference originated but as I understood his interpretation the addict has to stop wearing the guilt before moving toward sobriety. He hurt his family. You have guilt for hurting your family. The guilt (if I "get it) can prevent the forward progress toward sober living. I'm not sure how you shed that mindset but it makes sense that if you wallow in the guilt for your painful choices it impedes your progress in traveling a healthier new road. You can not change the past. You CAN move forward. I hope you are able to do so but you need qualified support. Hugs DDD
  18. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I'm still relapsing and not wanting too. husband pretty much wants a divorce. I'm still trying to hid this. It's not working. After 25 years it's gonna be over. I can't tell him so he just yells about missing money. I have no excuses. But tears. I'm so ashamed.
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I am so sorry. I hope you will get help --- I know how hard it is to change and we all have to have lots of help and support. None of us can do it alone.

    Honesty is a huge first step forward if you can. Even if things don't turn out like you want, you will regain your self respect.

    I wish you all the best. The first step toward honesty and help is the hardest.

    Prayers for you right now.
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Bby,

    I do hope you get treatment and help. It sounds like you really want it but are scared and ashamed and all those other feelings. I suggest if you havent seen it to go online and look up The Anonymous People.... it is a good film about people in recovery etc. I just saw it the other night at my sons program.

    I understand your husband is upset and angry. He is probably angry because he knows you are not telling him the truth..... I really think that there is no hope for a marriage relationship where there is dishonesty. I know with my son the hardest thing for me is that I really cant trust him and what he tells me.... hopefully as he gets sober that will get better.

    I think there is no hope for your marriage if you continue to be dishonest with your husband. I have no idea what the situation will be if you do tell him the truth, but really I think that is your only chance is to own up to whats going on and ask for his help and tell him you need rehab.

    And in the ned no matter what happens you will at least know you took responsibility and was honest with him.

    On our trip to Cambodia we went to some temples... had a great guide who once was a Buddist monk. He told us something that Buddha said that makes a lot of sense and I think applies to all of us that need to take one day at a time.

    "If you live with your left food in the past and your right foot in the future then you pee on today!!

    And of course he told us this standing up as a male and so it gave us a visual picture. LOL.


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