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Family of Origin
Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 670887" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>"<em>...on strike from life...."</em></p><p></p><p>But you did come back, Copa. You came back and protected and defended and cared for; you offered the sister yourself. You opened to her, Copa. </p><p></p><p>You offered forgiveness, and family.</p><p></p><p>Copa, do you know the size and shape and color of the things you chose to forgive yours sister for? It's mind-boggling Copa, that you could forgive it <em>but you did</em>.</p><p></p><p>She insisted things remain as they were; as they had always been. To me, what the sister insists on is that Copa shut up about it and be sacrificed, forever. So the sister will be accepted, and can live, and can be cute and loved and stain free because you remember the love of the real father and she...made another choice.</p><p></p><p>This enrages me, Copa. </p><p></p><p>That it happened when you were both little girls is one thing. That the sister should choose to do it to you now, as an adult, makes her an evil, twisted thing. In my eyes, it does. The choice she is making ~ that she knows it, and knows how and why and still chooses it ~ rings of evil and I don't care how many awards she has received for compassion. It is easy to be all kinds of good things when a sister has been made to carry and reflect and incorporate the wrong <em>from the time she was a beautiful little girl weighing no more than thirty to fifty pounds</em>. <em>A long legged colt of a girl, made to serve dysfunction she had no hand in creating and was given no choice in servicing.</em></p><p></p><p>That is how brave and strong you are, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Now is time to heal. None of those things they taught you were true.</p><p></p><p>*** </p><p></p><p>Even so Copa, you loved your sister enough to make a place for being sisters to happen. She chose the old patterns, long familiar to her <em>and to you</em>. Ridicule-before-witnesses, cynicism and entitlement in every aspect of every single thing including returning your belongings with stains.</p><p></p><p>And it's so unfair that she did that, Copa.</p><p></p><p>How hurtful that must have been.</p><p></p><p>But Copa, that Sister does something reprehensible does not mean you must accept that how she sees you matters. Copa, your beautiful life is your own. You must come to see yourself through your own eyes Copa, and never through the eyes of the abuser, again. And never, ever, to see and accept and believe our abuser's justifications for abusing us, for so gleefully stuffing us into roles guaranteeing their survival and happiness at the cost of our own.</p><p></p><p>That was always a lie, Copa. Your father would never have countenanced such a thing. He was gone, Copa, and terrible things happened to the daughter he loved above all things; and terrible things happened to him, and his life was not what he would have had it.</p><p></p><p>But you can step out of the hurt of it, Copa.</p><p></p><p>*** </p><p></p><p>That stain, Copa. That is why it bothers you so, and it should.</p><p></p><p>How else might you see the return of that comforter in that condition Copa, than through the abusive sister's eyes?</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Confronted with your refusal to continue believing with her that she could do no wrong <em>when she was in fact mistreating the mother and stealing her blind</em>, the sister explodes in rage and storms off.</p><p></p><p>And you feel badly.</p><p></p><p>And the sister behaves as she does toward M...and <em>you</em> feel badly. </p><p></p><p>You owe her nothing, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Yet, you are carrying her shame.</p><p></p><p>What Sister wants from you Copa is to continue willingly to be that little girl at the bottom of the dungeon in the center of the town. So she can keep being happy, so she can keep being special, and accepted; and so you can bear the stain for both sisters.</p><p></p><p>There is no stain, Copa.</p><p></p><p>You are your father's child.</p><p></p><p>He loved you fiercely ~ loved all of you, fiercely. Bad things happened to him. Bad things happened to the daughter he loved.</p><p></p><p>Step free of it, Copa. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 670887, member: 17461"] "[I]...on strike from life...."[/I] But you did come back, Copa. You came back and protected and defended and cared for; you offered the sister yourself. You opened to her, Copa. You offered forgiveness, and family. Copa, do you know the size and shape and color of the things you chose to forgive yours sister for? It's mind-boggling Copa, that you could forgive it [I]but you did[/I]. She insisted things remain as they were; as they had always been. To me, what the sister insists on is that Copa shut up about it and be sacrificed, forever. So the sister will be accepted, and can live, and can be cute and loved and stain free because you remember the love of the real father and she...made another choice. This enrages me, Copa. That it happened when you were both little girls is one thing. That the sister should choose to do it to you now, as an adult, makes her an evil, twisted thing. In my eyes, it does. The choice she is making ~ that she knows it, and knows how and why and still chooses it ~ rings of evil and I don't care how many awards she has received for compassion. It is easy to be all kinds of good things when a sister has been made to carry and reflect and incorporate the wrong [I]from the time she was a beautiful little girl weighing no more than thirty to fifty pounds[/I]. [I]A long legged colt of a girl, made to serve dysfunction she had no hand in creating and was given no choice in servicing.[/I] That is how brave and strong you are, Copa. Now is time to heal. None of those things they taught you were true. *** Even so Copa, you loved your sister enough to make a place for being sisters to happen. She chose the old patterns, long familiar to her [I]and to you[/I]. Ridicule-before-witnesses, cynicism and entitlement in every aspect of every single thing including returning your belongings with stains. And it's so unfair that she did that, Copa. How hurtful that must have been. But Copa, that Sister does something reprehensible does not mean you must accept that how she sees you matters. Copa, your beautiful life is your own. You must come to see yourself through your own eyes Copa, and never through the eyes of the abuser, again. And never, ever, to see and accept and believe our abuser's justifications for abusing us, for so gleefully stuffing us into roles guaranteeing their survival and happiness at the cost of our own. That was always a lie, Copa. Your father would never have countenanced such a thing. He was gone, Copa, and terrible things happened to the daughter he loved above all things; and terrible things happened to him, and his life was not what he would have had it. But you can step out of the hurt of it, Copa. *** That stain, Copa. That is why it bothers you so, and it should. How else might you see the return of that comforter in that condition Copa, than through the abusive sister's eyes? *** Confronted with your refusal to continue believing with her that she could do no wrong [I]when she was in fact mistreating the mother and stealing her blind[/I], the sister explodes in rage and storms off. And you feel badly. And the sister behaves as she does toward M...and [I]you[/I] feel badly. You owe her nothing, Copa. Yet, you are carrying her shame. What Sister wants from you Copa is to continue willingly to be that little girl at the bottom of the dungeon in the center of the town. So she can keep being happy, so she can keep being special, and accepted; and so you can bear the stain for both sisters. There is no stain, Copa. You are your father's child. He loved you fiercely ~ loved all of you, fiercely. Bad things happened to him. Bad things happened to the daughter he loved. Step free of it, Copa. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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