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Family of Origin
Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671185" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>To me these are powerful questions, and not just because I thought of them. I will answer putting myself at the center.My goodness. I never believed that I could hold anybody. That anybody would want to be with me if they really knew me. </p><p></p><p>I think at the heart of me was a deep rage. I did not realize that it was my own self that could not tolerate the rage in me. And that once I could see it and own it, it no longer scared me so. </p><p></p><p>In these Foo threads I realized more than I had ever permitted before, that I suppressed my rage at how I was treated as a child. Doing so was the price of surviving. I had to adopt the persona as a good little girl so that I could hold on to the idea that my parents loved me enough to take care of me. So anger got suppressed. I feared it so. </p><p></p><p>That is why my own son's anger as he grew up was so intolerable to me. I believed, I think it was me that was out of control. I took personally his anger, and reacted in kind because I felt accused as angry. Which I could not tolerate. And when I became so angry, I became angrier at him for making me so.</p><p></p><p>Well, in my case, my Dad did not stay. And then he disappeared completely. And then he destroyed himself. And when he did he denounced me as unworthy. </p><p></p><p>When my Dad left, I believed it must have been my fault. Or else he would not have left. When he died, I must have felt it was my fault, too.</p><p></p><p>Of course I was wired to believe everything was my fault and my responsibility. At the same time I believed I was a flake. Now I know this is not true. Because now I know I am Germany.</p><p></p><p>I do not think I deserve constancy, because everybody important to me betrayed me in one way or another. It is a marvel that I can be constant. </p><p></p><p>Thank you all for your constancy to me.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671185, member: 18958"] To me these are powerful questions, and not just because I thought of them. I will answer putting myself at the center.My goodness. I never believed that I could hold anybody. That anybody would want to be with me if they really knew me. I think at the heart of me was a deep rage. I did not realize that it was my own self that could not tolerate the rage in me. And that once I could see it and own it, it no longer scared me so. In these Foo threads I realized more than I had ever permitted before, that I suppressed my rage at how I was treated as a child. Doing so was the price of surviving. I had to adopt the persona as a good little girl so that I could hold on to the idea that my parents loved me enough to take care of me. So anger got suppressed. I feared it so. That is why my own son's anger as he grew up was so intolerable to me. I believed, I think it was me that was out of control. I took personally his anger, and reacted in kind because I felt accused as angry. Which I could not tolerate. And when I became so angry, I became angrier at him for making me so. Well, in my case, my Dad did not stay. And then he disappeared completely. And then he destroyed himself. And when he did he denounced me as unworthy. When my Dad left, I believed it must have been my fault. Or else he would not have left. When he died, I must have felt it was my fault, too. Of course I was wired to believe everything was my fault and my responsibility. At the same time I believed I was a flake. Now I know this is not true. Because now I know I am Germany. I do not think I deserve constancy, because everybody important to me betrayed me in one way or another. It is a marvel that I can be constant. Thank you all for your constancy to me. COPA [/QUOTE]
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