Remind me not to get up at 3 am and expect anyone to act civily- vent

[DammitJanet]

Tony has been making a huge deal lately about how he gets up at 4 am to go to work and how hard he works and blah blah blah. How no one appreciates anything he does, yada yada yada. I just dont understand. I get to sleep whatever, I dont do anything. He hurts more than I could ever understand. He has it worse than I do. No one has it worse than him. Never mind that I have actual diagnoses, I am actually up because my joints were swollen and woke me up, I have a bladder infection, I stepped on a nail and it hurts so bad the sheets were bothering me.

I have been washing clothes since Saturday and folding them. Both he and Keyana kept throwing them off the couch as soon as I got them folded so now I have to rewash them and fold them again. Cory has yet to take his pile...the third pile I folded for him and Mandy...to his room. Billy hasnt taken his pile to his room yet. Tony did take one of his piles but has yet to take the second one.

And then I get asked at 4 am...where are his warm shirts? Hell if I know! I just washed darn near everything. Look wherever you put stuff. If its not there, look in the box of winter clothes we havent got out yet. I get yelled at. It couldnt possibly be there. He knows what he knows. I must have put his stuff in with Cory's. Nope. He sat right here with me while I folded clothes and I asked him...is this yours or Cory's. Cant blame me on that one.

I have done dishes, cooked meals...though on Monday night he wasnt satisfied with what I cooked. He started whining the second he saw what I made....left over deer stew and gravy but I didnt have extra stew veggies to add to it to make an actual stew so it was basically stew meat. I made corn bread to go with it. I thought that was a good meal. He started complaining the minute he walked in the door saying how he couldnt believe I expected him to eat just that...why not some rice too. I was like rice too along with corn bread? Seems like just more starch but if thats what you want, fine. I made rice. Anything to calm you down. Then...he didnt want the corn bread.

I had been sick since Sunday too. On Monday I had the stomach flu...or something. I kept having diarrhea. I was afraid to leave the house to go to the store. He wasnt happy about that. But even with that I cooked and washed dishes and made dinner. Then after he did all that complaining about the rice...he didnt eat the cornbread and said...oh...no one told him we had cornbread!!!... Of course we did...It was in the oven and both Cory and I told him. Heck, I had the oven open when he walked in!

Last night I was wrapping presents in the bedroom and he came in and just announced that it was HIS time for bed and I should know it and to GET my (insert bad word) off the bed NOW.

I know he is stressed out with his boss. I know why. I am ticked at his boss over the same reason he is. He has a very good reason to be ticked and after Xmas I intend to have a word of prayer with the man because he is treating Tony wrong and I dont like it one bit. However, he doesnt need to come home and take it out on me. I dont mind if he comes home and tells me he is ticked off at work...fine. I get it and would let him rant for hours. I also get it he is tired and hurting. Tell me that. Just dont yell at me like I am useless and doing nothing and like I am dirt.

I work hard around here whether he thinks so or not. No one else helps me much at all which is why this place is a sty. I cant do it all myself. He actually had the gall to tell me he worked hard on the kitchen over the weekend and now it looked horrible. Well...he didnt leave it perfect and I did wash the dishes. He didnt do all that much more than wash dishes either.

Argh.

 

[Shari]

Oh doesn't that just **** you off?

This is when I'd just like to move out and let them see exactly what all I dont do....

My husband has been stressed since th accident because he has to manage everything. My mom does 98% of the laundry and all sweeping and mopping. She takes wee to school in the mornings. Someone carries in supper every night, so there's no cooking or grocery shopping. I am still managing bills and Wee's schedule...so just what, dear husband, has you so stressed? lol

Why couldn't we find grown ups fpr spouses, Janet???

 

[flutterby]

Man, where is that Borderline (BPD) temper when you really need it. I'd be tempted to unleash some of that on some people in that house right now.

Why in the world are you washing and folding Cory and Mandy's clothes? Hmmmm?

 

[DammitJanet]

Well...I actually wasnt washing them per se. Or some of them I was I guess but you have to understand our laundry room. It isnt quite like yours.

Our laundry room is this room, probably 8 foot wide and 10 foot long. Water heater is in the far corner encased in drywall, then comes the washer and dryer, then the furnace. On the other side is a 4 ft deep freezer and a little mudroom sink that I dont think we have ever used. The back door is in this laundry room.

In a perfect world my family would have baskets in their room that they would put their dirty laundry in...maybe two...whites and darks. Hahaha. Nope. My family tosses dirty laundry on the floor in front of the washer and dryer. When it is clean and dry, they toss it on top of the freezer or over on the mudroom sink. Eventually it piles up and up and it falls over behind the freezer or onto the floor to where it ends up getting rewashed. Or we lose things. Junk ends up getting tossed to the back of the laundry room that people dont want anymore...towards the back door...which we really cant use anymore because the steps arent there anymore.

So eventually I get a bug up my butt and say enough is enough, I cant take it anymore and I start grabbing piles of laundry off the top of the freezer and start folding. I have come to the conclusion that Mandy and Cory have so many clothes that they dont need to buy another thing for years. Especially Mandy. Cory maybe. Some of his stuff is too big for him because he has lost so much weight. Mandy has more clothes than you would believe. They need to be buying Keyana clothes instead of her clothes...literally. She needs clothes badly. She is a growing girl. Mandy isnt. I bought Keyana a ton of winter clothes not two months ago. I cant find half of them. I have no idea where they are. A few may have gone to her moms house but not that many. I certainly didnt send just the shirts.

I had to go buy Xmas pj's for the kids, 2 sets of sweats for keyana, socks, undershirts for her...she has underwear thank god. Im probably gonna to buy her a pair of those fake ugh type boots because all she has is rain type boots and her shoes dont fit inside them. She has outgrown shes this fall like you wouldnt believe. She started this school year where 10's where a bit big and now 11's are getting snug. Im glad I bought her dance shoes big! I am gonna have to take her twinkle toes to Hailie...and Hailie hates to wear shoes. Maybe the twinkle toes will make a difference.

 

[susiestar]

I totally understand where you are coming from! husband and I used to get SO upset iwth my parents when they would come visit. We did a couple of loads of laundry each night - at least 4 nights a week. We did NOT do all the laundry at one time because Wiz had at least as many clothes as husband and I combined. NOT that we bought for him - stuff my mother sent because she was seriously into shoppaholism. Not outgrown clothes, literally 30+ outfits most of the time. They INSISTED on washing it ALL and then would be FURIOUS at our lack of gratitude because we didn't "keep up" with the laundry.

Never mind that we didn't have ROOM to put all the clean clothes away. Or that Jess needed more items (she would get 1 outfit or maybe 2 for every 4-5 that Wiz got. With almost 4 yrs between them AND their sensory issues and preferences hand me downs were not a real option.) and Wiz needed a LOT less entitlement and a LOT less stuff of any kind.

Right now our laundry room is a PITA. between the washer and dryer is the only place the litter box can live. I will NOT have it in the kitchen/dining room and niether bathroom really has a good place for it. husband llikes to pull stuff out of the dryer and leave it on the floor there. Of COURSE the cat likes to jump into the basket. He is Siamese and letting his feet touch the floor for ANY reason other than eating is a mortal sin in his book! Then husband gets mad because I make him rewash laundry because it got litter tracked into it.

I finally started fining husband and the kids for loads left on the floor of the utility room. Maybe you should charge Cory and Mandy and Billy a quarter for every item you have to rewash. It cured a LOT of the "I don't want to wear this today so lets' toss it on the floor and stomp on it" when Wiz was at his worst with it.

I hope work becomes less stressful for Tony. Hopefully he can become less stressed after the holidays. Have you gotten medications for that infection?? You had better at least call the doctor before you head off to Jamie's house.

 

[DDD]

Sounds like Tony is on overload. There's no doubt that he loves you but probably you are the only one he feels "safe" expresing his negative feelings to since work is a problem and the grown kids don't give a RA about anyone but themselves.

I understand that it is easier to do all you can do rather than live like a hoarder but I suggest that you pass the ball back to the kids. Any dirty clothes should be put back in their rooms. You should only worry about you, Tony and K. Eventually the
adult kids will all be living like Billy in their rooms and hopefully the light bulb moment will come. I'd ask them "where do you want your clothes in your room as I no longer will have them strewn around the house". Then stick to it. If they go off in dirty clothes or clothes that don't fit....their problem.

Concentrate on you and Tony. You both deserve to be treated with respect for getting up each day and doing all you can do to keep the family going. He probably feels underappreciated as he is treated the same as they are. Lord knows you are underappreciated too. Neither one of you are thirty now and it's time for your offspring to start showing respect to both of you. Don't pick up laundry and don't pick up their dishes. They are roommates of yours and need to be treated like that instead of guests!

Sounds a bit ranty on my part, doesn't it? Well, lol, I've used those methods with some success. As a matter of fact I realized that even Christmas has always fallen on me......and the kids were guest recipients. This year I am not out shopping for presents. This year I didn't break out all the "family" ornaments or even the stockings. This year they are welcome to join us...or not. I've been asked "what are we doing Christmas?" and I've replied "not much as I am tired of doing all the work without any help".

Nobody can take advantage of you unless you give them permission. You and Tony are the most important people in your household and they need to know it, Janet. Otherwise you will continue using all your energy trying to keep everyone happy and clean etc. etc. and out of necessity you'll be unable to focus on you and your husband. Hugs. DDD

 

[HaoZi]

Why don't you just dump their clothes on their beds and let them deal with their own laundry? I can't tell you how tempted I would be to open that back door and start kicking out improperly placed laundry.

 

[Mom2oddson]

Remember, at times, men can be dense. I don't know how many times husband has come home in a rotten mood because of his job and started taking it out on me. I call him on it now. And at times, I have to call him on it LOUDLY (because he can be dense). When I do, he starts with the deer-in-the-headlights look, followed by the Lightbulb-just-went-off look, then comes the sheepish look with an apology. After that, he starts venting on what really is bothering him and we are back at peace with each other.

I hope things get better for both of you.

 

[Bunny]

I'm sorry that things are so tough for your husband at work right now. I hope that after the new year things get better for both of you.

Pam

 

[Hound dog]

Wow............sounds like my laundry room, only mine is larger and can evidently hold more clothing. lol

Men! OMG!

Janet, why don't you attempt to sit down with him and tell him what you told us. Yes dear I get you're stressed and POed at bossman, so talk to me about it instead of taking it out on me as if I am bossman. I understand you hurt. So talk to me about it instead of acting like I caused it.

Now with my husband, this normally requires me to rip his head off in a big way, then saying those things as I have to get his attention first. omg Sometimes I have to repeat as he'll remember only a few days at best. I doubt he's meaning to take it out on you, it's mostly a guy thing, but we're not geared that way, so he's gonna have to talk instead of yell and complain. ugh

((hugs))

 

[DammitJanet]

I think most of you are completely right. I do need to just dump their clothes back on their beds instead of folding it. Every so often, I go through the house on a hunt for dishes. Its like a wild game hunt...lol. Stalking the wild bowl...careful now...quietly sneak up before it can scamper off!

We do feel unappreciated...by everyone. Im sure he thinks I dont appreciate him because I dont meet him at the door like June Cleaver but hey, I never did. I would think he would wonder just what in the world I did if I started greeting him at the door with ...heck, I dont know what because he comes in dressed in work clothes and work boots so a robe and slippers just wouldnt work...lol. He also doesnt read the paper so I couldnt hand him that.

The two main problems are the over crowded house and the fact that he is being required to drive longer and longer distances to get to his job. He is getting older and it is wearing on him badly. Real problem is his boss is also a friend. Which is why I would think he would see what this is doing to him and NOT do it. Boss own this company, is a couple of years younger than Tony and he doesnt work near as many hours or near as hard. No...he has Tony to do it for him. Just 2 or 3 years ago, if he was driving this far, he would be staying in a motel and getting a dollar more an hour. Now they expect him to drive back and forth each day for the same pay. He is ticked and rightfully so. Staying out of town isnt great but at least he doesnt have to get up at 4 and drive 2.5 hours each way to work and back.

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmm. Since Tony's boss is also a friend, would it be possible to speak with him about what it is doing to Tony? Odds are, since he hasn't done it himself he has no clue how grueling that can be, especially when age is beginning to catch up with you. Just the drive to the other side of cincy and back was taking a huge toll on husband. He swears he will never work that far from home again. He used to have to do the 3am crud too.

At the very least maybe the boss will spring for a cheap motel room so he isn't forced to do these awful drives back and forth.

 

[KTMom91]

With Boss being a friend, he may not even see what kind of stress the drive is putting on Tony. And because Tony's been able to handle anything, no problem, Boss might think he can still do it.

With the laundry...I made a rule years ago that I wouldn't wash anything that wasn't in the basket, and everyone has a basket in their bedrooms. It cut down on Son #2 and Miss KT washing one shirt at a time. I folded and put clothes back in the basket, unless someone (meaning Miss KT) gave me attitude, then I just dumped her stuff back in her basket. Now she does the laundry when she's home. Maybe it's time to delegate, and take care of you and Tony, and Keyana when she's with you. Let everyone else go naked...not your problem.

Sending hugs...hope you feel better soon.

 

[Star*]

I think -

You and Tony need to find a place NEAR tonys work that just YOU and Tony stay at -

Start systematically bagging up Mandys clothes and the clothes that do NOT fit Cory and Billy and anyone else - and GIT THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE - store them where=ever ======double bag them, put them in a car, a shed - whatever - but get it to where everyone only has 7 outfits - and DOWNSIZE.

As far as meals? GIVE tony a menu on Sunday night and stick to it - if he wants to add, or subtract - LET HIM - make him feel it's HIS CHOICE. Makes it easier for you too IF you know what to make.

House messy - DELEGATE - Things don't get picked up> BAG IT UP AND TOSS IT OUT AND THAT IS HOW YOU CLEAN HOUSE FOR UNGRATEFUL UNHELPFUL PEOPLE - OUT IT GOES. You think I'm kidding?

I had over 100 room mates in my years of marriage - and I'm telling you what - I solved a LOT of problems that way - I was NOT going to live like a pig. I was NOT going to be someones MOMMY - and I wasn't going to clean up junk twice. If I asked and more than once? HEFTY was in THEIR future - and then I had my little "OH you cleaned up? AWESOME!!!!!!!" speech and walked off.

Yeah - you clean with Hefty bags once ? It becomes a NON issue - there=after - TRUST me.

Then - you have a place to go away to- Tony has a place to stay at if he's tired........and honestly? HE is the only one I'd be worried about at this point. You and him -

 

[DDD]

Yikes! I just have to jump in and give unsolicited advice. Sorry 'bout that but I care for you.

Please don't even think about calling Tony's boss. I know about husbands. I know about males. To call his boss would be worse than having an affair! It does not matter a whit whether the boss is a dear friend, a relative, a neightborhood priest,
male or female. Please don't call.

Tony is feeling vulnerable and having you step in on his behalf (no matter how subtle) will cause damage. I agree with Starbie...concentrate on you and Tony. Hugs. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmm yes 3D has a point, darn it, and I didn't think about it that way.

As for the suggestions of hefty bags ..................ohhhhhhh yeah! That has done wonders for me. No one even complains anymore. If I pick it up? Goes in the trash..........as ummmm katie will discover when she gets back. (she knows this rule already ugh) I figure if you don't care enough about it to pick it up and put it away, must be garbage. Works wonders for sure.

With the laundry...............because we soooooooo did that rewash thing for years with Nichole.........same thing.......rewash ONCE, second time it's the trash. Also worked wonders.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I tend to be pretty level headed most of the time, but if my husband had pulled that dinner stunt he would have been wearing corn bread. Immature, I know, but it sure does make a point. It hasn't happened in years, but once I did throw a full plate of spagetti at husband when he complained about dinner. Think, "Want you dinner? Here, catch!" I work too, pal. Now he's gone so much working that he's grateful for any home cooked meal he gets.

Laundry. Daughter started doing hers after I had a Mama Meltdown about five years ago. I don't remember what set me off, but I do recall it was a camel/straw/back moment. So, now she's 19 and mostly buys her own clothing; she washes it, dries it, and sometimes actually folds it and puts it away (or it stays in her big bucket to become a big wrinkled mess). Every time she does laundry, I mean EVERYTIME, something is left on the floor. A sock, panty, shirt, and this week it was a pillow case. I mean, when she changed her sheets, or folded these sheets, didn't she notice something was missing?? So, it sits in my room and I keep meaning to hold it up and ask her if she is missing something.

Anyway, she would always leave something on the garage (where the washer and dryer is) floor after she would pull her things (usually after a day or two or me yelling for her to get her stuff out) out of the dryer. So, I began to collect them in a pile on top of the dryer. We have matching front loading washer and dryer that are on stands so it's up high. I mentioned to her that her items were beginning to make a big pile on the dryer; perhaps she might be needing some of those items. She would mumble she would get them and then never did. Finally, after about six months, I took the whole pile and tossed everything in the trash. To this day, she has never made a mention of it. The pillow case I couldn't do because it is part of a matching set. But, a new pile of her clothing is beginning to form again.

Son doesn't care whether he has clean clothes or not. I made mention about how I washed, folded, and put away his clothes (I do it for me, not for him). He just gave me a blank look. I asked him, "Do you even care if you have clean clothes?" He responds, "No, actually, I don't.". What is there to say to that?? LOL At least I know the truth and don't expect any kind of appreciation from him.

It does sound like Tony is overwhelmed and feeling under appreciated. Doesn't mean it's okay to take it out on you. I would have a sit down and let him know that you are on HIS SIDE and you will listen and support him. But, it's not okay for him to treat you in such a rude manner.

As far as the laundry goes, the adults in your home are responsible for their own. If they make the decision to throw it all over the laundry room floor, or other places, they may come in and not find it there anymore.

 

[1905]

You need to have a little talk with Mandy and Cory (and Billy). These are all adults, capable, healthy and strong adults to whom you've been very kind. I don't know how much rent anyone's paying and it doesn't matter. Lay down the rules and the consequences. They will keep their clothes out of the laundry room, or it will be bagged and tossed into their rooms. It's their choice. Make up some rules for the kitchen, delegate food shopping, and cleaning. Tell Mandy how much you LOVE how she cleans the kitchen and tell her that's her new job. Maybe give each one a permanant job instead of switching up on jobs. They may be happy living like that, but not in your house. It's your rules, it's not fair how little help they give to you. I'm right there with you, trust me.