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Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 606347" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I've been thinking about you Cedar, wondering how it's going in your world with your difficult child. I appreciate your update, thank you.</p><p></p><p>Terrific post Cedar, you've put your own learning into a clear and concise communication which is so helpful for all of us. I'm so happy that you are utilizing the techniques you mentioned and that they are all working for you, great job. We really do have all the power to change don't we?</p><p></p><p>As I was reading your post, I was thinking about my own experience last night with my difficult child and my granddaughter. It occurred to me that after trying so hard to change my response to the external reality that I have no control over, after so much struggle, as in most issues in life, one day the new behavior is just there, it is the new reality and now it's effortless. </p><p></p><p>Last night I pick up the phone and it's my daughter, crying, a victim of some outside force she has nothing to do with.........she asks if she can come by and if I can write a check for her storage unit if she gives me the cash. (Bear in mind that 2 years ago I paid huge amounts of money to keep her current with her storage unit and once I stopped paying it had actually gone to the final point of auction.............and she has no checking account to pay for it) I simply said yes, no questions, no response other then that. She dropped by and I gave her the check made out to the storage unit, she handed me the cash. She looked terrible, I did not respond. I had nothing to say. If I had engaged in any way, the entire drama would unfold before me, her victim self would show up waiting for me to save her from herself. I did nothing. She left. I felt neutral. A <em>tiny</em> bump, but otherwise okay.</p><p></p><p>It reminded me of something a teacher told me once, "engage with crazy people and you become crazy too." Since I have been surrounded by what could be called "crazy" people my entire life, I have been engaged A LOT!! .............<em>But, now I'm not......... </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em>As I write that, I look up from my desk and there is the quote I see everyday, hanging from the desk lamp, <em>"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." </em>Wow. It is remarkable to me that we have within us the ability to do that. And, what freedom that brings. </p><p></p><p>Moments after my daughter leaves, my granddaughter returns from the store, crying. She has just realized that with her paycheck, she cannot pay for all that she needs to pay for. I have been telling her for months that once she's a senior, now that she has a job, she has to pay for certain items and be responsible for herself in a more adult fashion. Being a teen, she gave it no thought until school started, she spent all of her money on clothes she desired but certainly didn't need......... and now has no money to pay for some important items. She was freaked. I have to admit, my first response was to give her some money, however, I didn't act on it, my mind immediately switched and within a moment, I said, "okay, get your pay stubs and let's make a budget." We sat down and I showed her how to budget her money and how she could pay for everything she needed with a few changes in her thinking. We wrote it all down and within minutes she was smiling and empowered and actually said, "I can do this, AND, I can save money too."</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in the last couple of years of difficult child hell, <em>I retired my enabling status </em>.............and last night without much thought, or trying, or struggle to shift my thinking, I dodged a couple of bullets and remained in my peaceful state. My difficult child is still "out there" doing exactly what she always does, but I am not connected in to the drama. I saw my granddaughter become empowered by knowledge she can use to make better choices, rather then me saving her from them. It was a unique moment for me, both of those events coming to me within a short time, almost like a test.............will she succumb to the old behavior............or has she learned how to respond differently............</p><p></p><p>Your post about non judgment, focusing on what's working, gratitude and believing we deserve joy are all such important components to finding peace in the world of difficult child's, you said it all beautifully. I would be interested in hearing how you are feeling with your new found liberation. Are you having more fun? Are you and husband resuming your grown-up joyful moments? </p><p></p><p>I was saying to my SO last night that with difficult child no longer taking up so much space in my head, my disconnect from her chaotic life has brought me a whole new vitality and along with that a sense of my own capacity for joy.............. which has grown considerably in direct proportion to my ability to recognize how much I am not able to control.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 606347, member: 13542"] I've been thinking about you Cedar, wondering how it's going in your world with your difficult child. I appreciate your update, thank you. Terrific post Cedar, you've put your own learning into a clear and concise communication which is so helpful for all of us. I'm so happy that you are utilizing the techniques you mentioned and that they are all working for you, great job. We really do have all the power to change don't we? As I was reading your post, I was thinking about my own experience last night with my difficult child and my granddaughter. It occurred to me that after trying so hard to change my response to the external reality that I have no control over, after so much struggle, as in most issues in life, one day the new behavior is just there, it is the new reality and now it's effortless. Last night I pick up the phone and it's my daughter, crying, a victim of some outside force she has nothing to do with.........she asks if she can come by and if I can write a check for her storage unit if she gives me the cash. (Bear in mind that 2 years ago I paid huge amounts of money to keep her current with her storage unit and once I stopped paying it had actually gone to the final point of auction.............and she has no checking account to pay for it) I simply said yes, no questions, no response other then that. She dropped by and I gave her the check made out to the storage unit, she handed me the cash. She looked terrible, I did not respond. I had nothing to say. If I had engaged in any way, the entire drama would unfold before me, her victim self would show up waiting for me to save her from herself. I did nothing. She left. I felt neutral. A [I]tiny[/I] bump, but otherwise okay. It reminded me of something a teacher told me once, "engage with crazy people and you become crazy too." Since I have been surrounded by what could be called "crazy" people my entire life, I have been engaged A LOT!! .............[I]But, now I'm not......... [/I]As I write that, I look up from my desk and there is the quote I see everyday, hanging from the desk lamp, [I]"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." [/I]Wow. It is remarkable to me that we have within us the ability to do that. And, what freedom that brings. Moments after my daughter leaves, my granddaughter returns from the store, crying. She has just realized that with her paycheck, she cannot pay for all that she needs to pay for. I have been telling her for months that once she's a senior, now that she has a job, she has to pay for certain items and be responsible for herself in a more adult fashion. Being a teen, she gave it no thought until school started, she spent all of her money on clothes she desired but certainly didn't need......... and now has no money to pay for some important items. She was freaked. I have to admit, my first response was to give her some money, however, I didn't act on it, my mind immediately switched and within a moment, I said, "okay, get your pay stubs and let's make a budget." We sat down and I showed her how to budget her money and how she could pay for everything she needed with a few changes in her thinking. We wrote it all down and within minutes she was smiling and empowered and actually said, "I can do this, AND, I can save money too." Somewhere in the last couple of years of difficult child hell, [I]I retired my enabling status [/I].............and last night without much thought, or trying, or struggle to shift my thinking, I dodged a couple of bullets and remained in my peaceful state. My difficult child is still "out there" doing exactly what she always does, but I am not connected in to the drama. I saw my granddaughter become empowered by knowledge she can use to make better choices, rather then me saving her from them. It was a unique moment for me, both of those events coming to me within a short time, almost like a test.............will she succumb to the old behavior............or has she learned how to respond differently............ Your post about non judgment, focusing on what's working, gratitude and believing we deserve joy are all such important components to finding peace in the world of difficult child's, you said it all beautifully. I would be interested in hearing how you are feeling with your new found liberation. Are you having more fun? Are you and husband resuming your grown-up joyful moments? I was saying to my SO last night that with difficult child no longer taking up so much space in my head, my disconnect from her chaotic life has brought me a whole new vitality and along with that a sense of my own capacity for joy.............. which has grown considerably in direct proportion to my ability to recognize how much I am not able to control. [/QUOTE]
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Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)
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