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Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 606638" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, I completely agree with you about the true cost of difficult child's is time we can't recover. At our age, in our 60's, we are WAY more aware of time then the younger parents on this site. When we're younger, most of us have that sense of "there is plenty of time" we don't see life from the perspective of "running out of time" until we are really running out of time. I just read a quote by the Dalai Lama where he said, the greatest illusion is that we have plenty of time. That concept alone can keep us mired in the difficult child world without a thought of our own life and how much of it gets eaten up with trying to control another, which of course, in time we come to realize just how futile an adventure that is.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps our age and our experience can support younger parents to think things through a little more, to identify their lack of control and learn to detach sooner so that they can grab onto their own dreams and go live them. Life is VERY short and a life spent worrying and afraid of the choices other people make turns out to be a waste of precious moments we can't retrieve.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I respectfully disagree that it is "almost too late" to live your dream......... I absolutely refuse to believe that..........yes, we are in our 60's, but if your health is still good, then you have time to go directly into those dreams you speak about and hit the ground running.........there is now nothing to stop you. I am presuming that your difficult child has taken her daughter and gone to live with her ex as you mentioned. Once your head clears from all of this, and I do realize that takes a little bit of time to put this all in some kind of livable perspective............get the hell out of Dodge and go live your life!</p><p></p><p>I have come to understand my role as parent in a completely different manner then I previously believed......as you are now...........my initial beliefs centered around my being a perfect mother based on the imperfections of my own upbringing...........which kept me locked in a pattern of enabling...........once that shattered and the truth surfaced, as it has for you, the entire package redefined itself, the pieces of the former belief system realigned themselves and left me able to see it all clearly.</p><p></p><p>Once you're able to see this clearly and you move through what you've lost............and believe me, I understand the gravity and depth of the loss.............put it behind you and recognize the opportunity you and husband have right now.................you may be late to the party, but the party is not over yet...........</p><p></p><p><strong>You and husband didn't do anything wrong</strong>, you did way more then you likely should have, with both of your kids. 25 years is enough now...............I think when we believe we did something wrong, or we didn't do enough, or in some manner we have not risen to the appropriate self imposed level of excellence in parenting, we find ways to punish ourselves, we take away our own joy and our own pleasure..........You did the very best you could have, so did I, so do most of the parents on this site.............and we keep looking for more ways we can help, we can give, we can fix...............you and husband have done all of that.............so have I...........our kids are middle aged for goodness sakes and as you mentioned in your post to Kathy, they continue to want to make us responsible for their choices. As Nancy Reagan said, "JUST SAY NO." </p><p></p><p>My daughter posted this on Facebook the other day.........."Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve." I read that and was thinking she was addressing her daughter who she abandoned and has absolutely no contact with and how that quote could possibly apply given her abdication of her role as mother..................then my SO said, "that's directed at <strong>you</strong> because you stopped giving her everything she asked for, you stopped financially supporting her and you started living your own life." Good Lord.</p><p></p><p>I may be completely out of line here Cedar, please forgive this but I just want to see you dancing on the patio with husband every night now...............no matter what happens, don't take on the raising of your oldest granddaughter , if your difficult child can't rise to the occasion, make other plans for the granddaughter................take your life now and protect it from all difficult child's, cherish it, take husband's hand and<em> "do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light."</em> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Georgia'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Georgia'"><em>Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"</em> This is my new philosophy Cedar................I invite you to join me on this ride...............let's hit it!</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 606638, member: 13542"] Cedar, I completely agree with you about the true cost of difficult child's is time we can't recover. At our age, in our 60's, we are WAY more aware of time then the younger parents on this site. When we're younger, most of us have that sense of "there is plenty of time" we don't see life from the perspective of "running out of time" until we are really running out of time. I just read a quote by the Dalai Lama where he said, the greatest illusion is that we have plenty of time. That concept alone can keep us mired in the difficult child world without a thought of our own life and how much of it gets eaten up with trying to control another, which of course, in time we come to realize just how futile an adventure that is. Perhaps our age and our experience can support younger parents to think things through a little more, to identify their lack of control and learn to detach sooner so that they can grab onto their own dreams and go live them. Life is VERY short and a life spent worrying and afraid of the choices other people make turns out to be a waste of precious moments we can't retrieve. Cedar, I respectfully disagree that it is "almost too late" to live your dream......... I absolutely refuse to believe that..........yes, we are in our 60's, but if your health is still good, then you have time to go directly into those dreams you speak about and hit the ground running.........there is now nothing to stop you. I am presuming that your difficult child has taken her daughter and gone to live with her ex as you mentioned. Once your head clears from all of this, and I do realize that takes a little bit of time to put this all in some kind of livable perspective............get the hell out of Dodge and go live your life! I have come to understand my role as parent in a completely different manner then I previously believed......as you are now...........my initial beliefs centered around my being a perfect mother based on the imperfections of my own upbringing...........which kept me locked in a pattern of enabling...........once that shattered and the truth surfaced, as it has for you, the entire package redefined itself, the pieces of the former belief system realigned themselves and left me able to see it all clearly. Once you're able to see this clearly and you move through what you've lost............and believe me, I understand the gravity and depth of the loss.............put it behind you and recognize the opportunity you and husband have right now.................you may be late to the party, but the party is not over yet........... [B]You and husband didn't do anything wrong[/B], you did way more then you likely should have, with both of your kids. 25 years is enough now...............I think when we believe we did something wrong, or we didn't do enough, or in some manner we have not risen to the appropriate self imposed level of excellence in parenting, we find ways to punish ourselves, we take away our own joy and our own pleasure..........You did the very best you could have, so did I, so do most of the parents on this site.............and we keep looking for more ways we can help, we can give, we can fix...............you and husband have done all of that.............so have I...........our kids are middle aged for goodness sakes and as you mentioned in your post to Kathy, they continue to want to make us responsible for their choices. As Nancy Reagan said, "JUST SAY NO." My daughter posted this on Facebook the other day.........."Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve." I read that and was thinking she was addressing her daughter who she abandoned and has absolutely no contact with and how that quote could possibly apply given her abdication of her role as mother..................then my SO said, "that's directed at [B]you[/B] because you stopped giving her everything she asked for, you stopped financially supporting her and you started living your own life." Good Lord. I may be completely out of line here Cedar, please forgive this but I just want to see you dancing on the patio with husband every night now...............no matter what happens, don't take on the raising of your oldest granddaughter , if your difficult child can't rise to the occasion, make other plans for the granddaughter................take your life now and protect it from all difficult child's, cherish it, take husband's hand and[I] "do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light."[/I] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Georgia][I][/I] [I]Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"[/I] This is my new philosophy Cedar................I invite you to join me on this ride...............let's hit it![/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)
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