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Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 606790" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>That quote about 'skidding in sideways' always makes me laugh...........and now I envision you and I both sliding in screaming in laughter hanging on to the chocolate and the Chardonnay.............it's such a funny image. Yup, that's what I want to do..........(we could play Dean Martin singing one of his happy songs!)</p><p></p><p>Yes, unfortunately our girls do act the same and treat us poorly. My difficult child actually helped me to understand that I should never allow ANYONE to treat me that way, in particular, her.......</p><p></p><p>You know Cedar, that shame thing fuels a lot........think about it, if one does not feel worthy or valued and that they are somehow flawed due to deep feelings of shame.............they would try so hard, try to be perfect, try to cover that shame with perfection. It's an inside job. It makes sense to me that such a person would do the opposite with their children and their children could possibly end up entitled. My daughter is entitled. (However she brings many other negative components in as well, entitlement alone would be relatively simple to adjust to, but there are deep seated issues operating within her which have been unacknowledged and subsequently have flourished.) </p><p></p><p>As I was reading Brene Brown's book I could easily see my own experiences of shame and how that pushed me into not only perfection, but control. Years ago I read a very interesting book entitled, <u>Addiction to perfectio</u>n by Marion Woodman, you might find it interesting. </p><p></p><p>I unwittingly raised my daughter to treat me like my mother did, my mother is not really like my daughter, but I <em>felt the same</em> when I was around them, as if I am not enough, as if I have to continue this relentless attempt at gaining their approval...........in the last 5 years I have very directly retired from this position in my family. I went to the source and essentially quit. Because I am no longer engaged in the drama my mother actually initiated, no one treats me that way anymore, but I had to be the one who stopped it, they're not even aware of what they are doing, it's all unconscious ways they learned to manipulate others to get their needs met, I was simply a pawn. It wasn't really even about me............but I did suffer in it. No one is to blame, people do the best they can with what they have, my parents were raised by extremely dysfunctional people as well, it just goes down the line until it is healed. I've been trying for my entire life to heal this family insanity. </p><p></p><p>I understand that need to strive for perfection, it runs very deep, I do really get that you feel that you can't let that go. I've learned that there are some things I am able to let go of, some I continue to work on...........remember what Brene' Brown said? " The opposite of scarcity is not abundance, it is <u>enough</u>." I am enough. So are you. With that in mind, we can let go a little bit, it doesn't have to be perfect. I let go a little each day. Give that a try. Or don't. Letting your difficult child go may be enough of a feat all by itself. You don't need another thing on your list.</p><p></p><p>I thought that quote my daughter posted was very telling (once SO made it clear to me that it was pointed at me) I am in awe of the word "deserve" as if she deserves the life she wants, but I don't........ my life is about giving her what she wants. HA! It used to be about that, I used to feel that way .......... fired up with my own inadequacies, I could make it all right by offering my life up on the block for her disposal. And the other word, sacrifice, geez, I did sacrifice myself on the altar of parenthood..........and those are, interestingly, what my daughter still expects........... sacrifice on my part, so she gets what she deserves. Yikes, I am very happy to be on the other side of that!!! My daughter told her roommate, who told me, that when the roommate asked her why she doesn't call me, my daughter said, in an angry tone, "she doesn't care about me." I could feed that energy for the rest of my life and it would never be satisfied, I would never be enough. Well, I am out of the game now. And, feeling pretty darn good too. </p><p></p><p>I know this probably sounds so weird, but the truth is that this really bad experience with my difficult child and all her antics for the last 2 years has freed me in many ways from a truckload of issues I was carrying around and didn't even know it. It's pretty odd. But, I had to dig deep to detach and accept what I couldn't change............. and really, that changed my life.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 606790, member: 13542"] That quote about 'skidding in sideways' always makes me laugh...........and now I envision you and I both sliding in screaming in laughter hanging on to the chocolate and the Chardonnay.............it's such a funny image. Yup, that's what I want to do..........(we could play Dean Martin singing one of his happy songs!) Yes, unfortunately our girls do act the same and treat us poorly. My difficult child actually helped me to understand that I should never allow ANYONE to treat me that way, in particular, her....... You know Cedar, that shame thing fuels a lot........think about it, if one does not feel worthy or valued and that they are somehow flawed due to deep feelings of shame.............they would try so hard, try to be perfect, try to cover that shame with perfection. It's an inside job. It makes sense to me that such a person would do the opposite with their children and their children could possibly end up entitled. My daughter is entitled. (However she brings many other negative components in as well, entitlement alone would be relatively simple to adjust to, but there are deep seated issues operating within her which have been unacknowledged and subsequently have flourished.) As I was reading Brene Brown's book I could easily see my own experiences of shame and how that pushed me into not only perfection, but control. Years ago I read a very interesting book entitled, [U]Addiction to perfectio[/U]n by Marion Woodman, you might find it interesting. I unwittingly raised my daughter to treat me like my mother did, my mother is not really like my daughter, but I [I]felt the same[/I] when I was around them, as if I am not enough, as if I have to continue this relentless attempt at gaining their approval...........in the last 5 years I have very directly retired from this position in my family. I went to the source and essentially quit. Because I am no longer engaged in the drama my mother actually initiated, no one treats me that way anymore, but I had to be the one who stopped it, they're not even aware of what they are doing, it's all unconscious ways they learned to manipulate others to get their needs met, I was simply a pawn. It wasn't really even about me............but I did suffer in it. No one is to blame, people do the best they can with what they have, my parents were raised by extremely dysfunctional people as well, it just goes down the line until it is healed. I've been trying for my entire life to heal this family insanity. I understand that need to strive for perfection, it runs very deep, I do really get that you feel that you can't let that go. I've learned that there are some things I am able to let go of, some I continue to work on...........remember what Brene' Brown said? " The opposite of scarcity is not abundance, it is [U]enough[/U]." I am enough. So are you. With that in mind, we can let go a little bit, it doesn't have to be perfect. I let go a little each day. Give that a try. Or don't. Letting your difficult child go may be enough of a feat all by itself. You don't need another thing on your list. I thought that quote my daughter posted was very telling (once SO made it clear to me that it was pointed at me) I am in awe of the word "deserve" as if she deserves the life she wants, but I don't........ my life is about giving her what she wants. HA! It used to be about that, I used to feel that way .......... fired up with my own inadequacies, I could make it all right by offering my life up on the block for her disposal. And the other word, sacrifice, geez, I did sacrifice myself on the altar of parenthood..........and those are, interestingly, what my daughter still expects........... sacrifice on my part, so she gets what she deserves. Yikes, I am very happy to be on the other side of that!!! My daughter told her roommate, who told me, that when the roommate asked her why she doesn't call me, my daughter said, in an angry tone, "she doesn't care about me." I could feed that energy for the rest of my life and it would never be satisfied, I would never be enough. Well, I am out of the game now. And, feeling pretty darn good too. I know this probably sounds so weird, but the truth is that this really bad experience with my difficult child and all her antics for the last 2 years has freed me in many ways from a truckload of issues I was carrying around and didn't even know it. It's pretty odd. But, I had to dig deep to detach and accept what I couldn't change............. and really, that changed my life............. [/QUOTE]
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Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)
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