Respite, not a respite...

[HopeRemains]

This is probably going to come out whiney no matter how I put it, so my apologies in advance!

So, last week husband set it up with his Mom that difficult child will be welcome over there on Mondays. This is great, because summer is here and a break once a week is wonderful, it's what I asked for. Only- it's not as perfect as I thought. His Mom is already so judgemental of us- of me in particular. difficult child is perfect, her first grandson, "never" misbehaves for her (probably because she is so much better with him, right? sheesh.) The truth is that before I came along, she was the woman in husband and difficult child's life. She knows exactly how he used to act for her. He just doesn't do that anymore with her because they aren't as close as they used to be- so now she says it must just be us. She has blatantly accused me of favoritism of my younger son and told us how she feels bad for difficult child. She also makes excuses for difficult child's BioMom, even though she's dealt with her in the past and seen firsthand what kinds of things she puts difficult child and husband through. BM has actually tried to physically fight mother in law on more than one occasion, so I hear.

husband is a Momma's Boy, but stands up to her sometimes when she is way over the line. I am not predisposed to just take her insults, so I try to keep my distance as much as possible. She's the sort who makes compliments into insults, if you know what I mean.

So this Friday, difficult child's BioMom emailed 5 minutes after she picked him up to say that she would be sending him home on Sunday with NO underwear on because we had sent him in a pair of "her" underwear and she was keeping them. (First of all, she must have checked what underwear he had on as soon as he got into the car, who does that? Second of all, we don't have any clothes from her house, she sent those as "replacement underwear" a month ago when he got Gak all over all of his clothes and she threw all of the clothes we sent him in away, even the underwear, apparently.) We even sent the too small and stained "replacement clothes" back to her, except for the underwear, which I'd forgotten about. He just happened to have them on that day. So anyhow, BM decided that she needed to drop difficult child off really early (because she knew we had plans) so husband just had her take him to mother in law (mother in law), where he was going to stay the night. mother in law actually told us that we were ridiculous to want to go to the store and pick difficult child up some underwear at the store and that we were overreacting because we were irritated that BM didn't send him home with underwear on. She said she'd "find" something for him to wear. Is that wierd to anyone else?

mother in law also told husband last week that he should just "get over" the fact that BM's now husband, then boyfriend, choked difficult child when he was 2 yrs old and on a visit to her.

So now, I am just fretting over the fact that he is going to be over there so often. We already have BM talking badly about us and now difficult child will also have his Grandma doing the same thing, just in a different way. I should just let this go, I think. I don't have any other, better solutions.

Does anyone else ever feel like **** because they have the need for respite? I didn't until I realized yesterday that mother in law is going to more than likely use this as one more thing against us(me) and tell everyone else is husband's family how "wierd" our family is and how we just shove difficult child off to the side. Ugh. Can't win for winning!

 

[Liahona]

Wow, you are in a no win situation. Considering the long term affects of hearing how bad his family is and the more immediate safety affects (difficult child 1 would always become more violent after hearing things like that) I don't know that your difficult child going would be any help at all. That much time with someone so against you might make him worse and he is already not safe.

Would husband re-visit the idea of daycare? Lots of school age kids have to go to daycare in the summer because the parents work.

 

[Bunny]

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't in this situation. I'm sure that the respite is badly needed, but my concern is how he will be when he comes home. Will mother in law fill his head with bad things about you, and if she does, how will that effect his behavior when he is with you? If there someone else who could spend some time with difficult child? I agree that you need the respite, but I'm not sure if your mother in law is the person you should be sending him to. It just sounds like it will only make things worse for you.

How often does difficult child see BM? And why on earth does mother in law think that your husband needs to "get over" the fact that BM's now husband, then boyfriend, tried to choke difficult child? How can that be a good thing? Is there any abuse going on at BM's house from the new husband?

 

[HopeRemains]

Bunny- I don't think it's so much that she will fill his head in the way BM does, it's just her attitude towards us and some of the things she says are just so off the wall sometimes. It's more of an issue of her making him feel that we are "too hard" on him or giving him an already overinflated sense of "he is right, we are wrong". It may not be so bad when we are not there, because then she can't undermine us at every turn right in front of him. IE: We tell him to put the permanent marker away, Gma says "Oh, he's FINE. You guys need to ease up on him...", then 5 minutes later she's mad because he scribbled on her wall with it and we weren't "watching" him.

Now I feel like I've made my bed, so now I have to lie in it, because husband will never admit that his Mom's remarks and attitude will effect difficult child. If I say something now, he will just feel like he helped out, but it's just not "good enough" for me. I'm trying to think outside of the box on this one now. Like maybe set up some play dates for him on Mondays, if I can.

 

[HopeRemains]

And... I have no idea why she would think we should just 'get over it'. She said it was a long time ago. No time is too long when it's your child who has been hurt and you still HAVE to send him over to the place it happened. Long story short: BM and this guy were fighting, physically, as they did a LOT. difficult child threw a frisbee at his head, difficult child got snached up by his throat against the wall and screamed at. BM took him and started walking to her parent's. Her boyfriend drove by and threw a slurpee on them. This is the event as told to husband by BM back then. Now she won't admit to it. Her uncle heard the screaming (guess he lived next to them) and called the police. BM wouldn't press charges.

Ours is a messed up situation, because we are seperated by a state line. husband tried to follow up on the charges but he couldn't because she wouldn't press charges. He also tried to talk to that state's CPS, who couldn't help. What he should have done was go to our county's court to try to get some help. He didn't know that back then. In the decree, he does have the right of first refusal, but BM won't adhere to it at all and leaves difficult child with her now husband (who difficult child has no problem with now and calls him "Daddy") just to make husband upset. She started taking her regular visits a couple of years ago which are every other weekend.

 

[Liahona]

There is probably a police report even if she didn't press charges! You might be able to use that. I'm sorry. I'm sure you are doing everything you can think of to keep difficult child safe from bio-mom.

husband suggests swim team. It'll last 3 hours a day and will wear him out. It will make him more hungry though.

 

[HopeRemains]

I don't think there is a swim team around here, but we do have a community pool and lake. It doesn't help much when I don't have an extra vehicle, but good news: husband's boss just gave him a motorcycle (on payments) and so I will have the van some of the time this summer to actually get the boys out of the house! They both love the water, though difficult child is very leery of actually "swimming" he showed a lot of progress last year. I will definately get him into the swimming classes that they offer.

About BM, it is VERY frustrating. But just as there are so many women I can relate to here about difficult child, there are so many others in similar positions when it comes to their child and the other parent. The closest I've come yet to finding someone with both similar problems is you, Liahona, from reading some of your posts. I guarantee that there is a police report of the incident and I'm afraid that things have been boiling over for awhile now and court will happen this summer/fall. We've changed our minds about it a few times, let's take her, no wait, it's not worth it, what if she only gets a slap on the hands, how will this affect difficult child (because even though we would never even mention court to him, she most definately would), etc. In fact, she tells husband that he and I both are in contempt all the time (me, because she says she can "hear" me talking in the backround, so it must mean I am talking about her, right?- and husband, well, I don't know why, he follows all of the rules) and that she is taking us to court. For years. Somedays I just wish husband would take her to get it over with, but I know that won't "fix" her, Know what I mean??

Trying to find that fine line that is "the best interest of the child" but we just never know.

 

[Liahona]

Good luck. It is really hard. We don't take x to court. He takes us to court, a lot. You're situation might be different. You might need to take her to court. Step2two was in your situation for years. So, there are 2 of us here that can understand. Step was the step-mom as well. I'm the bio-mom to difficult child 1. You're right court won't fix her. It won't change her behavior at all. X keeps saying we are in contempt. Its a bunch of hogwash. As long as you have a better lawyer than bm does you'll be o.k. Just know the divorce decree inside and out.

Glad to hear that you'll have some transportation.

 

[DammitJanet]

Let me ask you, is mother in law fairly good to difficult child when she is with him? Does she do fun stuff with him on his days with her? If so I would probably suck it up.

I am none too thrilled with the mother's of my grandchildren and I am sure over the years they will figure that out. None of them are as old as your is at the moment though. I try desperately right now to never say anything negative about my oldest one's mother and I will do the same with other's parents but lord she will make it hard because she is a few fries short of a happy meal. I have a while to go with the youngest one before I have to make a decision with the baby...lol.

I am angry with my oldest grandchilds mother right now but hopefully we can having a smile and nod relationship this summer because she has broken a ton of agreements over this past year. All I want to do is get my hands on my granddaughter when she gets home for the summer then she can bite my biscuits. She has had her for the past year and now the summer is my sons. Her family seems to think that isnt going to be the case but they arent the father so they can want all they want. They arent parents. They want to see her, they can come see her at Cory's house. The child deserves to see her paternal family for the summer if her mother is going to have her for 10 months out of the year. Especially when the child wants to live with us.

 

[HopeRemains]

Janet- She is good with him- they do fun things like fishing and she is always working on something he can "help" with. That's the reason initially I thought- hey, this is going to work out well! But it was a reality check when she spoke with me this weekend and I realized that the repercussions might not be worth it. I think you are right, that I am just going to have to suck it up, even if it makes them both behave a little worse when we are over there. I'm not sure quite how much influence she has when we are back home. It takes him an adjustment period no matter where he goes when we get back home. I think it probably benefits him more than hinders, after considering things, because a good day with Grandma beats a bad day with me, hands down. If my worries turn out to be valid and she's causing more trouble than good, we can always cut the visits down or out. Time will tell. And the family who matters knows our situation and will not just condem us because of what she might say, so I should not worry about that, either.

I am glad that your Granddaughter gets to come for the summer, how exciting!