Returning to difficult child-land

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AliceLee, Jul 29, 2007.

  1. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi friends....I took a break from the forum for a while. I have been working hard on detaching from my daughter. Has been going pretty well, until today, that is.

    Long story (sorry). She has been living with her difficult child boyfriend at his mother's house. They fight like cats & dogs and its been on again, off again. They are both physically and verbally abusive. boyfriend has a felony abduction conviction for one of their incidents. A few weeks ago, he called us and said she was "out of control." We were glad that he called us instead of fighting back, and my husband ended up going over to their house. Our daughter broke down, admitted she needed help, and did go in for an evaluation soon after. She has been diagnosed with "intermittant impulse control disorder" (I think I've got that right). It was suggested that she enroll in a 9 week anger management group therapy session. To our knowledge, she has not done that. However, every time we see her she is pleasant (actually a JOY to be with!) and is talking the talk (wants to go to community college in the fall, wants to pay off all her debt...)

    Anyhow, Thursday night, she arrives at our house (unexpectedly) saying that she and boyfriend are fighting, can she stay here for a couple of nights? We say ok, but she must be respectful and clean up after herself. She leaves Friday morning to go back to boyfriend's mother's house to get ready for work. Apparently, boyfriend is there and they fight, and she doesn't go to work (this was her second day)! Yesterday afternoon, she went out with a girlfriend. She called me around 9 pm, and I asked if she would be coming home for the night. She said she wasn't sure, but would call me if she was NOT going to spend the night at our house.

    I woke up at 3:30 daughter, no phone call. Tossed and turned, eventually went back to sleep. 6:30 am: no daughter, no phone call. Our easy child wakes up and is livid because her brand new $50 jeans and brand new shorts are missing. Didn't hear from difficult child until 5 pm, when she comes in and heads straight for the computer.

    husband confronts difficult child for taking her sister's clothes and not respecting us by giving a simple phone call. They end up getting into it, and it is not a pretty scene. She packs her bag and leaves in a huge huff.

    This is the same old, same old for us. The only difference from a year ago is that difficult child now has run out of friends who will take her in.

    I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want to help her, but not to my own (and husband and easy child's) detriment. Today has been rough...lots of crying and feeling helpless for me. easy child has been angry all day. husband usually is able to detach, but not today...I think he feels guilty because he lost his temper with her.

    Thanks for listening..
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Hey Alice! Missed seeing you around! Sorry to hear difficult child is still acting gfgy.

    You already know this but here goes. She has to hit rock bottom and want to change. Nothing you do will change that.

    It is not fair to easy child. She deserves a safe home. That includes being able to put her things in her room without having to worry that they will come up missing.

    My difficult child treated my easy child that way. My easy child gave me the strength to detach from difficult child. She was doing everything she could to live right and we were all in turmoil with difficult child all the time. He would take anything he wanted from easy child and if she told me he was ugly to her for telling.

    My difficult child is gone. He has used all the difficult child buddies he had around here and is last I heard in Atlanta.

    I just pray for his safety and for him to run out of people to help him. As long as someone is helping he has no reason to want to change.

    You have to take care of yourself and the rest of your family. Your daughter is making the choice to stay in the situations she is in. Hopefully, she will get tired of the fighting and want to get away for good.

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Sorry you are back, but glad you are back. Just wanted to say that there is hope that she will move on to a better relationship and hopefully change her life. I know it has only been a short time since my difficult child has found a new girlfriend but I truly feel she has been a gift that has fallen out of the sky for him. he has been on such a good road to begin with for a while now, and now she has come along and I have such a great feeling that this is a huge change in his life and she came along at the right time for all the right reasons. I hope your difficult child can find her way soon also.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Isn't it absolutely mindboggling how we can be all detached and
    functional and them WHAMO something happens that puts us back
    into the panic, worry, teary eyed, traumatized state that comes
    with difficult children???

    Climb back on the Detachment train. Make easy child, husband and most especially YOU the priority. It is easier to climb back on once
    you have familiarity with the tracks. You can do it! DDD
  5. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Here's your ticket to the detachment train :warrior:

    We're here for you............glad you're back but sorry too.

    difficult child's drama is never ending unless we put a stop to it.

    Here's to helping you on our train :smile: