Revisiting my thoughts on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

[InsaneCdn]

That's the thing with attachment issues (the whole spectrum of them... not just Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)).

At school, there are no "caring relationships". Teachers and other staff have a job to do - and difficult child has his part of the job to do (whether he does it or not). But, in real life, their "care" stops at the proverbial door. Everybody knows their part of the "dance" of relationships at school. No one from school is going to put their life and family on the line to help this kind of kid. (Not that teachers don't go "above and beyond" in trying to help troubled kids... just that for every teacher, there is a "limit", as there should be.)
At home... these are the "real" relationships, the kind of relationships that he is impaired in dealing with... perhaps these "real" relationships scare him. I don't know - I've never been in his shoes. But... attachment issues are not easy to deal with, even in ideal circumstances.

On one hand, he is still young - it's not like he's in HS. In theory, it may be possible to reach him... some kids can be reached.
On the other hand... easy child is in the picture. And there is no guaranteed outcome for difficult child, even IF you were to get the best possible help immediately (and have husband fully on side and bio-mom cooperating...)

I don't have answers for you - just caring {{hugs}}

 

[BusynMember]

It is very hard, if impossible, to reach most kids with full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). This sort of behavior is a precursor to adult antisocial personality disorder. The link I posted has a scary picture there and I wish it weren't there, but the information is very good. Antisocial behavior starts in childhood. If a child is already hurting animals and people, has no remorse, is acting out badly, is charming on the surface, etc. etc. (read the article) he isn't safe to live with and this is especially true if there are other children around. Nobody should live with that sort of child...he or she needs out of home placement or somewhere to take the other children. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is probably the most serious childhood disorder any of us will ever live with and the prognosis for full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) isn't good. Here's the article. This is the first paragraph:

Also known as psychopathy, sociopathy or dyssocial personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder (Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)) is a diagnosis applied to persons who routinely behave with little or no regard for the rights, safety or feelings of others. This pattern of behavior is seen in children or young adolescents and persists into adulthood.

Read more: http://www.minddisorders.com/A-Br/Antisocial-personality-disorder.html#ixzz2FKo46iko
​

http://www.minddisorders.com/A-Br/Antisocial-personality-disorder.html

 

[HopeRemains]

InsaneCdn- Thank you. The support I've gotten on this site is so tremendous. What you say makes sense, the environment of school being one of relative expectation- he easily went into it. One day they were testing the emergency sirens here in the neighboorhood and difficult child was so very worried, even though I told him there was no tornado and explained the testing routine. He said he wished he was at school with his teacher. That struck me. I think that he absolutely trusts his teachers more than he trusts the parents in his life. He told me once that he gives his current teacher a hug at the end of every day and tells her she is the best teacher in the world. He's always good for other adults, too, like uncles, aunts and grandmas. I never worried about him being out of control when staying the night with a cousin, ever. He is a people pleaser, and will do what he can to charm them, even children.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I think that he absolutely trusts his teachers more than he trusts the parents in his life.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/for...ment-disorder-51677/index2.html#ixzz2FKpGJcnh​

I'm not sure it's actually trust.
His relationship with his teacher is more limited, and therefore more predictable.
And he thrives on that predictability.
But "real" relationships are more complex...

Plus... the teacher knows less of the full picture, so is easier to manipulate. He's finding it harder to manipulate YOU, so you are seeing more extreme behaviors.

Kids with ANY level of attachment issues do NOT trust. (been there done that on the mild level, it will take a long time to build trust) They can make themselves "seem" trusting to those they have surface relationships with, such as teachers, or a friend's parents. But that isn't trust.

 

[HopeRemains]

Oh my gosh! That is a horrible picture! What is wrong with people? Geesh... going back to actually read the article now. Thank you for the link.

 

[HopeRemains]

IC- Very good points, and that makes sense. I could never quite figure that one out.

 

[BusynMember]

Exactly. It's not trust. The hugs are superficial as are the words. They are dangerous children. After my experience, I truly don't believe it's worth it for anyone with other children to take a chance exposing that child to the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid. They are very sneaky and basically, as parents, we don't know what they do, even when we think we are keeping a good eye on them. If people really want to keep the k ids at home, you need to have videocameras in every room and alarms on their doors in case they want to leave their room in the middle of the night to perp on a sibling. It is like setting up a mini-Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in your home. It's not fun, but it's necessary. They can not be left alone with other children or pets. Ever.

If anyone chooses to trust these kids, you were warned.

 

[HopeRemains]

Is it possible that psycopathy is genetic? I'm labled his biomom as a narc in my mind, but it is so very close to the diagnosis of psychopath that I am not sure of the real difference. Violence, maybe? If so, this would be biomom.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I believe there is a genetic component.
But... he also spent his first few years with bio-mom, so her direct influence (and lack of care) would leave a major impact as well. In this case, it's hard to separate the nature and the nurture, as he was exposed both ways.

Those first three years are absolutely crucial.

 

[HopeRemains]

Poor difficult child never had a chance. I am looking for apartments now, will wait until after christmas. Now I am in the position of not having had a full time job in 6 years, no money, no car... Ugh. But I will figure it out.

 

[BusynMember]

Is it possible that psycopathy is genetic? I'm labled his biomom as a narc in my mind, but it is so very close to the diagnosis of psychopath that I am not sure of the real difference. Violence, maybe? If so, this would be biomom.

Yes, there is. It may even be written in the article I posted. Adopted kids tend to be more like their biological parents than us, although environment does play a role. But DNA is powerful.

 

[buddy]

I understand how hard it is. I had to stop my job to care for my son....huge lifestyle change but we have one chance to be the parents we are meant to be right? When you say you didn't put it together or maybe didn't mention something to someone at certain times, I hope you know that I would think most of us would be the same way. Who would ever think that such a difficult kind of situation would happen? And yes, you have to prioritize and try to keep easy child safe etc. But not every child with these symptoms ends up doing terrible things. If his dad can get him into a supervised situation, which indeed he may need for life, at least he can have a life that allows him to reach his personal potential. It was hard for me to learn as I was meeting people and other parents with kids who had issues like mine, that not all kids do best in home situations where they are expected to function appropriately in a bonded family. Some kids actually thrive in a residential or school like situation because that bonding part is gone and the structure and behavioral safeguards are there....that is what the staff does 24/7. I'm not saying your step son will end up in a residential setting...just saying that is something that was really interesting to me. There is a well known woman here who has advocated for years for a home for children through 21 where they can just live, not move from foster home to foster home, not go to some temporary short or long term treatment center, but where they can live and receive therapy and supervision and reach their potential. She does this with a few kids herself, actually feels a calling for kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), (I wish I could remember her name...JO something....) and when I was new to this I thought, no way...try at least to get them a home. Now I think it is more loving to stay in contact, let them know you are still there, but give them the environment where they and others are safe. Of course I am not taking about some horrible institution, but a residence.
I really admire how you are facing this. I am sure you really care and so that makes things so very hard. Yes, poor difficult child probably had no chance once his first few years were so disrupted. I sure hope husband gets a clue that this is very very serious and he needs to get him intensive help very very quickly. And you are so right, resources are very limited. Sometimes nationally known Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) treatment centers can refer you to lesser known private therapists or doctors.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Just remember... that just because you are not living full time with difficult child doesn't mean that this board isn't here for YOU, too. Your easy child has been through some tough stuff, and you are welcome to stick around. You're a real Warrior Mom.

 

[HopeRemains]

Thank you, buddy. Unfortunately, I don't see husband going the extra mile for difficult child. I even believe that it is possible that he would drop all help sometime in the future if it is inconvenient for husband to get to. I also don't see husband ever even considering any sort of residential help. But maybe I am wrong... Maybe without me there shielding him from the worst of it he will figure it out. I have stressed to husband many times that this is serious, but he never agrees, ever. I think he has an issue with the way people percieve him and needs to always appear to be "perfect". When I told him we would be getting seperate housing, he never mentioned anything about taking easy child, he mentioned only how I am the one he would miss. What I heard was "Who will I ever get to do the things you do for me to make my life easier on such short notice?". I have also talked to husband about having "dates", just difficult child and I, in public after we've seperated. So that if there is anything there that I still can help, it might not be lost in transit. Having one more person in and out of his life may be devestating to him. (I tend to think that difficult child might just go on living his life and not mention us much. I'm not sure if that is just negative thinking or if I just know him very well. But he may be happy that I *the mean disciplinarian* am gone so he can continue unchecked at all.) =( I'm feeling very tired right now.

 

[HopeRemains]

Thank you, InsaneCdn. I appreciate everyone who has shared their stories and supported me with my own. This board is heaven sent.

 

[Methuselah]

Midwest and Insane,

Thank you so much for your posts. You understand the *ellI I and other parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)/psychopaths are going through. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)/psychopathic kids ARE SCARY. Their charm hides who they really are, so they can get away with their harm very, very easily. We, the parents, come off as lunatics who are "unsupportive" when beg the school and others not to do certain things, because we know it will give permission to the psychopath to harm us and others. They are a nightmare to live with. I'm exhausted from protecting others. difficult child 1 is out of our house and life in 3 weeks. Finally.

Hope:

I'm sorry you are going through this. I truly understand your nightmare life, your fears and anxieties.

This is what I know: my difficult children/Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)/psychopaths are absolutely in control of what they do. They know why they are doing what they are doing; they know what will happen if they do it; they just don't care. At all. Ever. To me, it isn't a mental illness. To me, to say it is an insult to anyone suffering from mental illness.

 

[HopeRemains]

buddy, I may just have to take back all of my talk about husband, maybe... He just called me after a discussion with his own Mom, crying. He was telling her how *we* are concerned for easy child's safety and that he doesn't know what to do with difficult child anymore. She also suggested calling biomom's bluff, but I think husband is still adamant about the refusal of that one, knowing it would cause more harm than good. He mentioned possibly sending difficult child to a residential center that is very nearby! (Not sure, but I think this is one of the best residential centers... Boy's Town... Not sure what the criteria is for getting him in there or their specialties, but worth a look, anyhow. Both of my brothers went there during some of their time in fostercare.) husband has broken down and actually admitted that this is serious, but I'm not sure if this is a ploy to keep me here or if it is in earnest. I still intend to leave, however, in the meantime, but I will help him if he tries to help difficult child and help our entire family however I can! And I guess time will tell if he is serious or not.

I've felt that he's worked against me for so, so long, that there was no hope... maybe there is?

 

[HopeRemains]

Hmmm... Looking at the website for boy's town, I'm not sure how husband would get a referral, as he doesn't meet some of this criteria...

[h=3]Common problems for children admitted to our program include:[/h]

• History of school failures
• Problems with authority figures
• Aggression
• Self-injury
• Property damage
• History of police and court involvement
• Multiple treatment failures

 

[TerryJ2]

Methuselah,
just to bolster your statement, the NAMI Family-to-Family course I took covered all kinds of anxiety, bipolar, depression, schizophrenia and schizoaffective mental illnesses, but not one word about psychopathy. I would agree, that there is a part of the brain or brain activity missing and it is absolutely impossible for them to feel remorse. It is not the same as mental illness.

However, not all Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids are psychopaths, Hoperemains. Just keep your eyes open and be aware. Knowledge is power.

 

[Methuselah]

Terry,

My theory is psychopathy isn't mentioned by mental health personnel bc psychopathy isn't treatable...and, hence, billable. It is hard for them to make money off of something that insurance companies won't pay for. But that may just be my cynical, eye rolling experience with supposed mental professionals talking . :-/